Day 30: Peace or Silence

I am THANKFUL for PEACE and SILENCE.

I am THANKFUL for the tranquil moments when my thoughts are still and sometimes SILENT.  Those are the moments when the phone isn’t chiming or ringing, no buzzing, no laughter, just me sitting still and alone in the SILENCE listening and hoping to hear.  I have been going through and I get caught up in my emotions often.  I pull back from friends and loved ones.  I take a break and chill in my solitude.  Seeking and hoping to hear from God.  Seeking and hoping for some PEACE and/or control.  PEACE of mind. Inner PEACE.  PEACE and order. I am THANKFUL that sometimes it is necessary to have SILENCE to reach a PEACEFUL state of mind.

I am THANKFUL that I am at PEACE with my daddy being gone.  I still seek PEACE of being in this life without him.  I often have a moment of SILENCE in his honor.  I am THANKFUL that he looked at PEACE and now rest in PEACE with his mother (my grandmother – May she rest in PEACE).  I am THANKFUL to know PEACE and aspire to know it more.

 

May we all have a moment of SILENCE for all those loved ones that may rest in PEACE.

Peace and Comfort

All I want for Christmas is my heart to be healed.  I want my daddy to walk through the door, smile, to hear him laugh, have him hug me tight, provide me with some direction, have a conversation, tell me a story from his past, tell me how much he loves my sister and I even my mother.  I would give anything to be able to hear his voice right now.  My mother has shared that she has some home videos.  I havent felt like I was ready but I think that I am.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of him.  Not a day goes by that I do not miss him.  Not a day goes by that I don't wish that I would have done this or that differently.  Every time I look at me I see him and that is tough but it does make it a little better for those moments.  I constantly feel like I repeat myself when I reference my daddy but it is how I feel often.  I write it out in lieu of having one of those ugly moments that are hard to come from.

In the last few months, I have had a couple of friends lose the men in their lives.  Their fathers, grandfathers and father figures.  My heart instantly goes to those friends as I know how it feels.  I do my best to be there for them.  In that I go through my own emotions.  It hurts as it does not seem to go away.  I mourn for them and for myself all over again.  I always hope that they know that I am always there no matter the time.  I emphathize with them from a place of love and comfort.

A season of comfort and joy can also be a time of sadness and grief.  This holiday will be the first for several that I know without love ones.  It is very difficult to reflect on the greatness of their lives when you miss them so much.  I know this feeling first hand.  I know how it feels to have your heart broken in a million little pieces and not be able to put them together like your favorite puzzle.  I also understand that I was blessed to have the love and a relationship with my daddy.  He was not a perfect man but he was beyond great to me.  I think about all the conversations, all the things that he taught me and constantly wish to have just one more hug, one more conversation, one more I love you. Simple one more lesson to make me better, feel my strength and kno w moe more through his heart and his eyes.

I pray peace and comfort to all those that go through a season of thanksgiving feeling lost, alone and not a completely full.  I pray peace and comfort to all those that I loved and losty peace and comfort for all those that have been able to fight through the grief to see all that there is to be thankful for in life.  Peace and Comfort to all that have taken a moment to reflect and remember all those that have lost a parent(s), grandparents and  parent figure.  Know that you are not alone and that there was love.

Peace and Comfort,

Freckles

Remembering...

 

 

 

Freckles' Thought For This Day...

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you use those gifts that you have received,
and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

St. Thérèse de Lisieux, 1873-1897

30 Day Blog Challenge Day #18: Something I Crave

Something I Crave

2 years ago my daddy died.  A week after we buried him, I lost my job.  I picked up part time jobs and worked out all the time to hold it together.  That is the year that I turned 30 but it did not seem to happy.  6 months after that I moved back to Los Angeles from Atlanta.  My mother said that I needed to deal with everything and get myself back together.  Thankful for my mother.  My heart has been broken yet to mend but the days have gotten easier.  I do not cry everyday anymore but when I do cry... Some days are just better than others.  Once back in LA, I worked a plethora of temp jobs while going to countless interviews with no avail.  Then I did not work for 6 months.  Nothing.  Not working and being alone will play on your psyche.  I ended up getting a permanent part time job which I am grateful to have but it is not ideal.  The struggle is a little different.  However the light is now flickering.  My living situation has changed and its for the best but now I lack space but its for the best.  New Year's Eve my paternal grandmother died.  In that instant I felt that heartbreak again.  My chest hurts and the pain lingers.  I was unable to attend due to my finances but I was able to go half on my sister's ticket which was the brighter side.  right?  I am glad that I spoke to her and she knew that I loved her.  She told me how much she loved me too.  I didnt know then but now I see it was the final goodbye.  I wish that I would have been able to speak to my daddy and tell him that I love him ( amongst other things).  I wish there was some sort of goodbye.  I hold some guilt (which use to be alot of guilt) with my grief that I sometimes dont let me off the hook for.  There are moments when I feel more than inadequate if there is such a thing.  I am not utilizing my potential.  I am not where I figure that I am suppose to be in my life - well more so where I want to be since apparently this is my plan.  My emotions are up and down and I sometimes feel the need to pull away from those that love me most. I know there has got to be light at the end but as of now its just flickering. Of course there are people that are going through a lot more and have a lot less but sometimes I cant care about them because I am only thinking about me.  (kind of ugly and selfish, huh?) Sometimes in reflection I wonder what God really has in store for me and what it is that He wants me to learn.  Ive been in this holding pattern for a long time and yet in still I am still blessed. (thankful)  I sometimes I am not able to be thankful that He chose me to go through this all right now bute in the large scope of things I am.   sometimes dont know what to pray for so I just thank Him.  My HOPE gives me FAITH that all shall come pass. Learning to PATIENT though sometimes I feel like I am failing.  Honestly right now all I crave is PEACE.





Freckles Thought for this day...

"You can become a night watchman and live happily. It is what you are inwardly that matters. Your inner peace and joy you have to earn. It is much more difficult than earning money. No university can teach you to be yourself."

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, 1897-1981

Wishing you all that is good and true

Freckles' Thought for this day...

Peace is not a momentary lack of restlessness in our mind. It is not a transitory state. It is our true nature, has always been. It can never leave us.

It is our noise that covers it up.

This Christmas...

New pajamas. Candy filled stockings. Jingle Bells. Snowflakes and Snow Angels. Christmas Trees dressed in lights and tinsel. Santa Hats and holiday sweaters. Cookies for Santa. Anticipation of the much regarded Christmas list. Rolls of wrapping paper and lots of tape. Trying to stay up as late as possible in hopes of seeing Santa Clause or Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Waking up as early as possible Christmas morning to see Barbie’s dream house, playhouses and kitchens, bikes and motor classic cars. Video Cameras catching all the excitement. New clothes. New toys. Anxiously waiting the opportunity to get out to be amongst the neighborhood friends comparing and contrasting gifts.

All the excitement. All the joy. All the love.

Christmas just isn’t what it use to be for me but I still have FAITH, HOPE and LOVE. It no longer has much anticipation for me but it is still Christmas and like each day I am thankful for the time and do my best to TRUST in my FAITH and BELIEVE in what this time really means to me. It is not so much about the presents but more so of a time to appreciate, reflect and love those closest to me. I have a new appreciation for life this Christmas. There are many that were present last year that are no longer. Someone knows the feeling of missing someone that use to once share this day with all the joy, love and anticipation. Someone knows the emptiness that is felt missing someone that you love and wanting nothong more than to have them back.  I MISS MY DADDY ON THIS DAY as well as every other. To those people I pray your strength, comfort and peace in knowing that you were loved and blessed to have had that love as well as that person. It is alot easier said than done but TRUST and BELIEVE that your FAITH can move mountains.  I am thankful to be working and to be able to do more than what I could for my family and friends than last year. I am thankful to just to wake up in my right mind when I sometimes feel overwhelmed with all the matters of my heart. This Christmas I am with my family. I am able to love on them and still grieve comfortably but still be able to smile. This year we are blessed with our new little person (my sister’s daughter). My sister found out she was pregnant right before our daddy died. Life taken and given within the same year = Blessing. I still have HOPE and am learning to appreciate the little things. HOPE is real. Hold onto it as if it were your last breath. Each day is a blessing. Each moment is monumental. Don’t take for granted this day or any other after this one. Use this Christmas holiday and every day after to feel the genuine reason for the season. As long as God is still God…

Merry Christmas

Love like no other

and

do not forget to pay it forward.

Peace and Blessings,

Freckles

one year later

it was one year ago yesterday that my daddy died. I can still feel the brokeness of my heart with almost each breath I take. that may never go away. I can feel the moment that I was told that he had taken his last breath. I still feel the overwhelming hurt and pain overcome me. the shortness of breath. the ache in my chest, heart and head. my mind going into overload. I felt paralyzed like my father was since 1995. with his legs went his will to live. it hurt to see him angry and unhappy. it hurt to hear him be unhappy. it was all a bit much and I didnt know how to be there for him. I didnt know how to see past it and be there. I feel some kind of way about it and me in that aspect. I wasnt strong enough or didnt feel strong enough. It is hard to watch someone die and/or want to die. I regret that I wasnt there

but 

I remain thankful that I now know my own strength. I am thankful that I can remember him as I do. I love that I can see him in me.

I understand that God needed him now and that it was his time to no longer suffer. I am at peace with the fact that he is now resting in peace. I will be ok and though it still hurts and I still have the sporatic breakdowns; I know that he is in a better place smiling down upon the women that my sister and I are becoming. Watching over her children and even my mother.

he was a lot of things to a lot of people but he was my daddy.

my one and only. one who loved hard and completely. I am ever so thankful for that.

so on this day one year later I dedicate yet another post to my daddy freckles.

I love and miss you so much.

Rest in peace.

Borrowed Inspiration

I was going through some blogs and ran across these to quotes and thought that I would share.

Thank You Vaguely Thoughtful One

and one for extra...

Be Encouraged Today,

Freckles

Paper + Purge = Peace

New Year is among us and time to get rid of some of the clutter. I have been cleaning up, minimizing, downsizing, throwing out and letting go. I have gone through all the bags of old papers –

SIDEBAR: I do not know where all of these papers come from.

There are so many papers and they keep accumulating in such a short period of time.

Gee. Oh, all the papers.

While trying to see what’s going to be available to throw away and shred/burn them when I came across a bunch of old cards, letters and notes some high school but mostly from college (1997-2000). These were thank you cards and letters, birthday cards, over the summer letters, valentines and just because.

It is amazing how much communication has changed and/or evolved over the years. It is just not at all personal. There was a time when I collected special stickers, stencils, stamps and colored markers to decorate my letters and envelopes so that they knew it was from me. I use to love to check the mail and have that special correspondence from friends while we were apart. I even found some old stickers

I sat back and read each and every letter, opened each and every card. I smiled and even teared over all the warm regards (they liked me they really liked me). Not tooting my own horn but there was a common tone in most of my correspondence which was “...don’t ever change...”, “...stay the diva that you are...,” and “...you are truly a good friend...”. I will have to agree - I am a good friend

(poppin my collar).

SELF REFLECTION: As I look back over that time in my life up to now and see who I was then compared to who I am now. The many mistakes, the many accomplishments, the many life changing experiences endured through the years due to the choices made (wrong or right). I see now that I lost the essence of me at some point and did the one thing that many asked me not to do. I changed a bit and didn’t allow myself to see me for who I already was. I felt like I wasn’t enough. I did run across a letter from a friend that I had lost touch with (adunwag) until facebook of course. She stated that she was thankful that I cared when she thought no one did (it was genuine) and she closed the letter with “learn to love yourself entirely and love will come to you.”

AHHH HAA!

(light bulb moment)

IF only I had been able to read that then and truly understood it with the knowledge that I know now. I didn’t and it took for me to make some bad choices and go through some life changing character building experiences to understand what that meant. Damn. I am thankful for that letter from her now, at this very moment – 10 years later. GRATEFULNESS.

I love all of those cards – my 18th birthday when the 3rd floor divas of Crosthwaite gave me a birthday party (thanks ladies) and lots of birthday cards, 19th birthday in Jubilee Hall and My 20th birthday at Riverbend. My 21st birthday with my FISKITES at Fridays when it was on Elliston Place. The friendships made, built, lost, redefined, changed and re-established over the years. The love lost, found and deleted over the years.

Yes, there are some things that I would have done differently and some friendships that I would have fought harder for but if I had, I may not be the woman that I am today (and steadily try to be) with this thankful spirit.

(FB FRIENDS: So, know that you are so appreciated. Each of you have made me be a better person. Each of you have impacted my life in a different way. Each of you, though I may not express it to you singularly but know that I recognize and appreciate. Thank you for the reason and the season).

Well sharing is caring,

Freckles

Cultivate a Thankful Spirit

I have a friend that has a little garden. She takes pictures of the progress of her garden and shares it on facebook. She takes great pride in her gardener accomplishments and says that it relaxes her. It is really cute and I have heard others tease her about it but not in a mean way. However it has made me think deeper than the green sprouts in the soil. I thought about the time that she takes to cultivate her garden. In gardening, there is so much preparation that takes place followed by work and maintenance. When something goes wrong or if the garden doesn't seem to be reaching its potential or simply not progressing as expected. The gardener will try to see what the problem is and try to make it better. The gardener does whatever it takes to cultivate the garden and make a positive out of what seems to be mildly negative but fixable.

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy;

they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.

Marcel Proust

We have to cultivate a thankful spirit through all the good and bad times. We must remember that all the trials and tribulations that we may be facing are just a test of our faith. Without thankfulness in our hearts we will live in perpetual spiritual defeat. A thankful heart is the key to having peace of mind. There are the simple things such as waking up this morning but it goes much deeper than just that. What about being in your right mind, being able to breathe on your own, open your eyes, move your limbs. Simple and often taken for granted. I know I have said it before but it is a lot easier to be negative than it is to be positive. I find that rather ironic especially since there are so many things to be thankful for in life. Do not get me wrong. We are all very human and we have moments when get on our soapboxes and complain about all that we do not have and want and desire. That is natural. But just like the gardener, we should take the time and cultivate that negative spirit and make it be positive.

Balance is the key to success in all things.

Do not neglect your mind, body, or spirit.

Invest time and energy in all of them equally - it will be the best investment you ever make,

not just for your life but for whatever is to follow.

Tanya Wheway

If you have ready me you know that I have been going through the storms of life but I now like to call my character building experience. It just sounds better. I have had plenty of dark not so positive moments where I truly wondered if the one above that hears and sees all blinked. I am truly going through however I am often humbled by the simple things. Life, love, family, good friends. We all go through some things in this game we call life. However we are blessed with choice. We have the ability to choose to be woe is me or thankful. There is always worse but realistically, it may just be time to cultivate your spirit. Think about it.

“Be aware of what you have in hand rather than to be for what you don’t.

Everyone will be grateful to what you have.”

Kurt Avish

Be thankful for what you have and you will end up having more.

But if you concentrate on what you don't have,

you'll never, ever have enough.

 Oprah Winfrey

We take such pride in stuff, keeping up with the Jones', believing we are the Jones' and wanting to have more. So why not just be thankful. Stuff is nothing with an ugly spirit. We do not always give ourselves the same treatment that we give our stuff or sharing it or simply having an attitude of gratitude. It all comes with the spirit. So, I figure if we all work as hard on cultivating the spirit as we do cultivating our stuff - we could see what thankfulness really feels like. Just a thought.

When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.

-- Willie Nelson--

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue,

but the parent of all the other virtues.”

--Cicero--

All this to say that the holidays are growing near and I have already heard folks inquiring about what to put on their list and what they are getting so and so. It is tough when the money is not what it used to be. These are different times. This time last year, I had a job, a car and was trying to figure out if I was going home to be with my family or spending it with a friend who had just lost her father a few months prior. This year, I am unemployed, carless, still grieving my father's passing and trying to figure out if I am moving back home to get back on my feet. However with all of that I am so thankful. I am thankful that I am still in my right mind which speaks volumes if you have ever lost a parent. I am thankful that I have had friends that will take, pick me or allow me to use their car. I am thankful that I have family that will allow me to come home to get back on my feet. I am thankful for having a father that loved me enough to live as long as he did. I am thankful that God chose me for this storm so that I could see me for who I am.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

-1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NRSV)

So, yes I would love to get a job for Christmas and car would be great too. Yes, I could find a bunch of things to complain about but it will not make them better or change what they are but maybe if I cultivate my thankful spirit I will be able to reap something positive from my harvest. After all God's gift to me is this: When I look for a reason to give thanks, I find it. I am seeing old things in new ways. Thanks be to God!

30: The Reinvention of Me

Yes, well I am so thankful and ready to let go of the woman that I was in my 20’s. My 20’s were full of growing pains and what we will call CHARACTER BUILDING EXPERIENCES. My 30s are going to be so much better. I plan on reinventing the woman I was in my 20s and here are a few things that I have realized.

Here is my Flirty 30 List:

1. I can truly say that I have seen God move in my life. There were several times in my 20s when I thought that I couldn’t make it or couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. He brought me through and is always in my corner – TRUST and FAITH.

2. I now like the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror and can say I love her.

3. Every time that I look in the mirror and see my daddy. I think about him and wonder if he is proud of me and I even stare in the mirror sometimes and feel him looking back at me. It brings me peace. When I lost my father, I lost a piece of me but the reflection in the mirror gives me hope in grief.

4. I am trying to find my passion as far as work but UNEMPLOYMENT will do that to you. I have worked and have had a wonderful career where I have made lots of people lots of money. I have learned a lot and taken good notes. I have also been unappreciated, overworked and underpaid but I have made some strong relationship too. However at this moment Freckles needs a job!

5. I now understand the saying be careful what you speak – as the journey to the 30 came about. I recognized that there were some things (love, people, feelings etc) that I was not going to take into 30. I said it and said it believing that it was going to be a grown up things that would just people and possibly some not so sexy habits. However I did not realize that it would be my father and my job. Both were very life changing and could not have imagined it was going to be like this but I will embrace this change and be a better woman because of it.

6. I am more like my mother and father than I would have ever expected. My mother is an awesome woman and I blessed that she is my mother. (thanks mom – she reads my blog too sometimes).

7. I enjoy taking pictures of myself at different angles and in different moments. I like to take pictures for sharing and some for private. Once upon a time I didn’t think that I was good enough, pretty enough or important enough but now I am and I am worthy. So now I suppose that it is why I love taking my picture of ME.

8. I LOVE Shoes!!! Stilleto Queen. I like them high, strappy and super sexy – however I have not had the opportunity to Get In but that is another conversation. (FULL TEETH SMILE) Shoes make me feel good. I have been through a multitude of sizes over the last 10 years. Again, my 20s – ugh! Ladies, check out my blog on that. I am sure that you will all feel me on that subject.

9. I try to keep a notebook in my purse at all times. Just in case I hear something or feel something worth possibly writing about. I have a number of topics that I would like to write about and keep them in my notebook with notes. It’s like carrying a baby. Some stories you have to nourish and hold onto until they are ready to deliver.

10. I have a hard time smiling through pain and not showing my emotions on my face. I hope that this is something that I will grow out of a bit in my 30s but I do see it happening anytime soon. I am going to work on controlling it better.

11. I am a recovering grudge holder. I have moment where I feel the way that I feel and have a hard time letting go. When I feel like I have been wronged I hold onto it even when the grudgee has moved on. I have let go of a lot of things that I tried to hold onto in my 20s. I am glad that they are not coming into my 30s.

12. I am sometimes overly flirtatious. Too sensual and too touchy feely. It sometimes turns into too sexual but that is possibly a blog within itself so I will leave that at that.

13. I am so blessed to be surrounded by good people. I mean truly genuine people that have loved me in spite of me.

14. It is very easy to be negative and often a little harder to be positive. I succumb to the negative sometimes but try to find a way to pass through it. There are so many things to be thankful for in life. The simple things like waking up and being able to do breath, walk, see or hear. I have often found myself concerned about what I do not have or cannot do. I lose sight of the little things. In my 30s I will be sure to speak what I am thankful for everyday.

15. I am a bit of an attention whore but DON’T JUDGE ME! Lol. It is not as bad as it use to be but it is what it is and I recognize this thing about me.

16. Flaws can be Fab – there will be a blog about this one day but right now it is still in the womb.

17. I am more in tune with my strengths and weaknesses than ever before.

18. I haven’t always loved me but growth is an amazing process.

19. I can appreciate finding love and losing love and I look forward to finding love again.

20. I don’t have a ticking clock and I have come to terms with it. I am not particularly desiring motherhood. My mother cannot appreciate this fact but not every little girl grows up to want to be a mother but I do want to be a wife. If the Lord blesses me with a husband it may be negotiable but other than that – I’m Good!

21. I believe in being discreet. It is not on the sneaky tip but there are something and situations that are not for all or anyone to know.

22. The truth sometimes hurts but does set you free. Once upon a time I was insecure and felt the need to be validated by things, people or titles. Once I accepted that it was not about the things or people and moreso of a need that I thought I needed – I was set free. It hurt and hurt other people but it’s not always about them.

23. I can no longer apologize for the past. It has happened and there is nothing I can do to change it. If I hold onto it any longer I will not be able to move forward.

24. I am entitled to feel how I feel. (as in period)

25. I am addicted to Facebook but having a hard time getting a handle on Twitter.

26. I often wonder if I will ever grow out of being boy/man crazy. I love men!!! Especially black men. I do not want to discriminate but I love brothas… mmmmmm!

27. I am still trying to let go of regret – this is a work in progress.

28. I love Charms blow pop. I believe that I have an oral fixation. It is mainly when I am drinking. I always have them in my purse.

29. When I love I love hard and don’t like my love to be mishandled but I am more open to it than some.

30. George Bernard Shaw said it best “Life isn’t finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself". I have never had a problem with turning 30 and in fact I embrace it. I believe that it will be a better than my 20s and I am going to be a better woman.

My PRIDE has been keeping me from PEACE

PRIDE: Definitions of pride on the Web:A feeling of self-respect and personal worth satisfaction with your (or another's) achievements; "he takes pride in his son's success"

the trait of being spurred on by a dislike of falling below your standards a group of lionsbe proud of; "He prides himself on making it into law school"

unreasonable and inordinate self-esteem (personified as one of the deadly sins) Pride is the cultivation, preservation or exalting of self. It is a protecting of self. Pride is commitment to self. It is building up ourselves in our own eyes or in the eyes of others. Pride is an excessive belief in one's superiority, worth, merit. Pride is a root cause of many sins.

I never truly considered myself a prideful person until recently. I am not the kind of person that likes to ask. I have a helping spirit. I do whatever I can for someone I care about and I do it without expectation. This attribute has been both a blessing and a curse. I do not know how to accept or ask for help. I do but it's an uncomfortable place for me especially right now. I am truly my father's daughter (mistaking my pride for weakness). I don't want to need help and surely don't want to ask for it but I am learning something new about myself at this time. You see, my current situation is a truly humbling place. I do not have a clear plan, I do not know where my next is coming from but I know that it is coming and my emotions are haywire. I can sincerely say that this character building experience is truly testing my faith and to be honest, for a moment I thought that I was in danger of failing (one of my absolute fears has been failure but faith...)

I got caught up in the woe is me, Lord don’t you see, God do you hear me and oh Jesus did you blink (thanks EC). I almost let the devil see me slipping but there is a place... I almost let him steal my joy. I almost gave up. But God saw otherwise.... Thank you. Through it all - I am blessed and yes I am going through but you cannot come out until you are through. I know that but I truly understand it right now at this moment. God has chosen me to go through this so that I can share this with someone or help someone that is going through worse or even less and I am going to have an awesome testimony.

God works in awesome ways. He sends angels to encourage you when you are having a hard time encouraging yourself. He sends you angels to show you when you cannot step outside of yourself. An angel was sent to me yesterday sharing a few thoughts, concerns and confirmations. She said some things to me that I had only shared with God - thank you Lord and I hear you. She reminded me that pride and peace conflict and that I need to let go of my pride. She shared that she had been praying for me through her own struggles in life. How wonderful is that and how blessed am I that someone had me on their mind and took the time to pray for me - I use to love to sing that song in church but I never truly knew what it meant until this very second. I am so thankful that she has been praying. You never know how is truly praying for you or in your corner when you are all caught up in your own issues. Sometimes your issues are not about you and sometimes you are suppose to truly endure the storm so you can know what your faith is (thanks mom). I hear you now and I am listening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu1MNU08Au0 Lord let your will be done and please keep me sane in the meantime. Lord, give me the peace to surpass all understanding and truly praise you through the storm. I am feeling so many different things right now and I do not want to miss anything from you. Sometimes I feel like I don't hear you Lord but then you sent me an angel that eased my pain with confirmation from you. Thank you Father for the ability to hear what you provided. Thank you for the simple things (breathing, walking, thinking, seeing... all things taken for granted) and Lord, I thank you for giving daddy a new home with a new body. Father it's been hard for me but you have blessed me through month #2 and I am so thankful for your grace and mercy. I am thankful for his life and I am thankful that there is no more suffering. Father God, keep me close as I meditate on Philipians 4:6-9 - this is my scripture. It worked before and I believe it to be true. Now Father, I pray for each person that reads this transparent moment. Lord I pray that you will touch each life. Provide each with the peace, comfort, guidance and/or desire of their hearts. Let them be encouraged that we are all faced with challenges but that you are a God of hope and gratefulness. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you've got it. Lord I thank as I know it's already taken care of. Thank You Lord. Amen.

NO LIFETIME PUSSY PASS FOR YOU (repost)

So what I told you that you were the love of my life and so what you are in my top 3 - you decided to walk out of my life and along with your exit was your pussy pass. So what I can recall almost ever unbelievable orgasmic service you provided and I told you were the best. Finally, so what I said that I would always be here. I meant it at the time but then I got tired and ALL of that went out the door. This pussy could have had your name on it whenever, wherever and however forever. Could have should have would have -You could have been but you were not man enough to be in it or have such privileges to stay up in it. I want a man that is man enough to be my man. So, you proved that you were not the man for me or hold onto the pass.

NO MORE PUSSY PASS FOR YOU!

and YES I mean that in the nicest most sincere way possible. It’s a negative for you buddy. I am no longer interested in the opportunity to have any parts of this body touched by you at this time. Your Pussy pass has been revoked. You had your opportunity and you did not man up when it counted. The thought of you no longer moistens my area. So, I am going to share this with you just this once and I hope that we do not have to have this conversation again anytime soon.After all this time that is all that we have - all this time. You didn’t hold the arrangement and it’s not all your fault. One minute you are there and consistent and you want to be there and its all good. Then something doesn’t go your way and you get mad and take a time out. Then you get over it and want back and I let you back in. After all, that dick was good. Then you want more and then you decide you want less. We can’t be this but you don’t want anyone else to hit it. And still I let you be there.

What’s your deal?

All the times of yes, yes and yes but when you get a no you forget all the times that I said yes. You should have known better. You should have realized and recognized. At this moment it is what it is but please do not feel that you have got it like that to come back after all this time. This here belongs to me and does not have you name on it no matter how good you think that you are. Though, I cannot take that from you. Boy, you had a stroke on you... mmmmmhmmmm.... high five to that but there is no more to you than that. You are a good dick. A good rise to the occasion keep my back arched, close my eyes and see the stars around me and know that the river does not run dry. A good thick dick. It is all that you are and that my dear that is not enough... anymore.

There has got to more.

I feel like those men that say that she is nothing more than a piece of good ass when my dick is hard and now I feel the same about you. All you are is good dick when I need to get one off but now I would much rather have B.O.B. There has got to be more to a man for me. Some sort of passion, ambition, motivation or a simple foundation. You cannot love the streets more than yourself forever baby, especially at this adult age.

At what point do you set those childish attributes behind you?When do realize that you can be more than a street thug? Don’t get me wrong - I don’t knock the hustle about you. In fact it is admired but when do you do something legit and keep your hustle as additional?I don’t get it. It’s hard to live straight but it can reap benefits. When do you recognize that you are more than that?

I can’t want more for you than you want for yourself and even though you said you were going to do be, you didn’t. I wanted to believe in you but you didn’t believe in you. I don’t want to stop you from being you but I have stopped being me to satisfy you. You have always been you and I am over you so, please continue being you and know that I am no longer available for any sort of interest. Truth is you were never really good for me and I was never really good for and we just need to remember what we use to do. It was good and it was such a ride.

So, please feel free to pass go, collect $200 and try not to go to jail. I am tired of playing this game and will opt out. One more thing before I go let me remind that your pussy pass is now null and void. All of your services have been declined. It has been revoked and it will not last lifetime.

You are the weakest link - goodbye!

Enjoy Your Piece – An Ode to THAT stupid Woman (Round II)

Hello, may I speak to Barbara Barbara, this is Shirley You might not know who I am But the reason I am calling you is because I was going through my Old man`s pockets this morning And I just happened to find your name and number

So woman to woman I don`t think it`s being anymore than fair To call you and let you know Where I`m coming from

Now Barbara I don`t know how you`re gonna take this But whether you be cool Or come out of a bag on me You see it doesn`t really make any difference

But it`s only fair that I let you know that The man you`re in love with He's mine

Woman to Woman – Shirley Brown

"HELLO BARBARA, THIS IS SHIRLEY I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT THE MAN ... NOW WAIT A MINUTE SHIRLEY I'M A YOUNG WOMAN AND CAN'T AFORD TO ALL THE THINGS YOU DO FOR THIS MAN I DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB AND I CAN'T BUY HIS CLOTHES, PAY HIS CAR NOTES AND I SURELY CAN'T KEEP MONEY IN HIS POCKET BUT I CAN GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS, WHEN HE NEEDS IT AND THAT'S ALL HE EXPECTS FROM ME" I CAN GIVE HIM LOVE FROM HIS WOMAN TO YOU THERE IS A THING OR TWO I'D LIKE TO SAY I DON'T CARE WHO CLAIMS THIS MAN I'M GONNA LOVE HIM IN A WAY ... WOMAN TO WOMAN HE SPENT LAST NIGHT WITH ME STAYED HERE CAUSE THIS IS WHERE HE WANTED TO BE FROM HIS WOMAN TO YOU I'VE GOT TO MAKE IT JUST PLAY AS I CAN SEEMS TO ME YOU'RE DOING TO MUCH FOR THE MAN FROM HIS WOMAN TO YOU THAT YOU BEGGING LOVING IT'S GIVING UP YOURSELF AND I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU I DON'T MIND SHARING IF YOU DON'T BOTHER ME I WON'T BOTHER YOU FROM HIS WOMAN TO YOU Barbara Mason – From His Woman To You

(The Response to Woman to Woman)

There is an epidemic of stupid women that feel the need to show off their piece of man. Oh you think you wanna fight? Bitch please, He isn't man enough for me. I wasn't the one but apparently you are… TAGE YOU'RE IT!

I once was a jealous of folks well let me scratch that – envious of people with seemingly perfect relationships. You see them out all happy and holding hands. They generally smiling and seem to have it together. There are even times when I have seen women with men and men with women and wondered why is he with her or why is she with him. Why? Why? Tell them that it is human nature. (shout out MJ and may he one day RIP) - It's human nature, which it is and I am sure that I am not the only one. I digress à As a single woman, I often thought about why I am single or what is it that I am not doing right. But to be honest, it's somewhat by choice. There are some things that I am not willing to deal with or do without in a relationship. I deserve an entire man not just a piece that I have to pay for. I once told my grandmother that I saw an old boyfriend out with his new girlfriend. They looked happy together and in my hater mode (yeah, I am being honest) I looked at her and she was cute but not as cute as me. My immediate thought was "wow, you want her instead of me huh? " I told my grandmother about what I had seen and joked that he wasn't this and I didn't like that. She in return laughed and then told me not to ever be jealous or envious of someone else's relationship because you don't know what they deal with to be with each other. I didn't understand at the time but as I have gotten older I now realize what she was talking about.

Now looking back at that conversation with my grandmother I am able to look at relationship situations with wiser eyes. I have seen women go through great lengths not to be alone. They go along with whatever and however in order to say "he's my man". As the song above, Shirley called Barbara to say hey I take care of him like he is my kid and not a grown ass man because I love him and Imma need you to back off heffa (truly summarizes but I am sure that you get the point). Then Barbara responds back and says girl, I can't do all that and he doesn't expect any of that from me but I love him and I am not trying to go anywhere but if you look the other way we gonna do what we do and you do what ya'll do and we gonna be cool (again summarized but you get the point). It makes me think – how much were they willing to put up with to have THAT man?

All I could come up with was he musta had a powerful, means, austitatious, perfect, perm sweating, back popping, toe curling, I must stretch before we get started ooooh…. well you were thinking the same thing. He musta because I just don't see going back and forth about a man that is only a PIECE of man to not only me but to you AND you take care of him. WOAH!!! I am all about support, love, encourage, uplift, treat, sex, contribute, caress, kiss, work, care, open, temptation, lust and all the rest of the fabulous adjectives that compile into a "wonderful" relationship but one word that does not fit is shared. I don't have the desire to share a man with any other woman. That is not what we should to be about. Nor do I feel the desire to take care of man that does not respect my care for him or my love. My love is to be valued and not mishandled. On the contrary I can't speak for another. I don't want a piece of man but to each her own.

How is your peace when you recognize that your piece has a side piece? How does it feel when you are no longer the only woman in his life. He dips out and has his fun. He has his girls on the side and relationships that becomes personal and intimate. Extremely intimate and very personal. You saw it all. The secret life of how he was with her. How turned on he was by her and all of your attributes. You went through it all. The pictures, videos and all the emails. Did you check the chat conversations too? I am sure that she could tell you how he likes it but I am sure that you read about it. Their escapades and many rendezvous. He was full into her on your dime. The trips and mini vacations. She was a part of his life and you watched silently for as long as you could. You spoke to her and she told you everything and still you hold on to your piece since she was not willing to settle. You keep him kept and at this point I almost can't be mad at him for saying whatever he said to stay your piece. How long do you participate in this love that is all of your own especially when he needs you more than you need him? He is missing in action doing his thing with someone other than you yet you hold on. It's no longer her but what makes you think that he'll be true to this time or there is not another. Why? Are you scared of being alone or do you feel like MOKENSTEF – he is yours, she may have had him once but you got him all the time? LOL!!! And yes I ask Why?

How much is enough? How much are you willing to sacrifice in order to have the piece of man? Take care of him. Let him live under your roof where you pay the mortgage, lights, water and gas. Let him eat your food that you buy. Take him on vacations that you pay for. This is not a huge deal to me but I do wonder how often do you look the other way? How often do you allow him to use and abuse you? I don't mean physically but emotionally and possibly mentally. This has to be an exhausting process to love someone that does not love you back they way that you want or deserve to be loved.

I say all this to say kudos and accolades to you. As Rihanna once said Take a Bow. This show was so entertaining and now I feel the desire to be sick (in fact I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit). What everyone seems to think looks good and full of black love isn't really all that great. However it looks good and that is quite a performance on your behalf. He is only being himself but you have to be an academy award winning actress to pull this shit off. It's sad that you don't feel your worth but hell you got a man and I don't so who am I to judge you. However I don't have a man or even a piece of man because I am worth more than a piece. But I sarcastically applaud you and all the women that feel the need to have a taste for shit and a piece of man long term. You all deal with deal with whatever in order to have a piece of man but hey they say someone else's trash is someone's treasure.

PEACE OUT - FRECKLES

Just For Today!

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess abouttomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try toovercome all of my problems at once.I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine. JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot. JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought andconcentration. I will not be a mental loafer. JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. Iwill improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybodybut myself. JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully -- if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block. JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

Prayer of Saint Francis:"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

"Where there is injury, pardon;

"Where there is doubt, faith;"Where there is despair, hope;

"Where there is darkness, light;

"Where there is sadness, joy;

"O Divine Master, grant that I may not as much seek tobe consoled as to console;"To be loved as to love."For it is in giving that we are pardoned;"It is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

Amen.