Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I am not ok but I will be

This feeling that I have is none of what I wish on my worst enemy. Its deep and constant. Its a slight burn in the chest and I can feel my lost. It holds me and almost makes me lose my breath. it hurts. hurts bad and I dont really have the words to express. I have lost part of me with him. He is who I am and I am of him. Daddy's Girl. My father passed and I am not sure if I was really ready to let go. Yes it's selfish but he was the most important man in my life and he is gone. I am having a hard time dealing. He hung on longer than he should have and after 15 years of pain and suffereing, loss of this and loss of that - he still took breaths until he just couldnt any further. The selfish part of me is mad that he didnt fight but the relieved part of me is glad that there will be no more surgeries, infections, medicines, pain, anguish, discomfort, doctors, hospitals... no more. as comforting as this all is - i hurt and cry and feel pain that is full of sadness, anger, void, emptiness, confusion. My pain and my peace are conflicting and i just cant find my balance. There are things that are now left unsaid. Events that wont be attended. Things that wont be seen. Advice that wont be given and love that cant be replaced. All this a piece ofmy heart that is broken. He encouraged me to be better, taught all sorts of things and even told me about men. He loved unconditionally and told me that I was beautiful even when I felt less than, encouraged my writing because that is what I got from him. He was gifted with words and now I dont have the words. I love him so much and I miss him even more. I am so blessed that I had him as long as I did and I know that. I also realize that he is at peace now and is in a better place but that none of that changes how I feel right now and going forward. This hurts and the crying is sporadic. Sometimes unprevailing. The release is constant but hasnt lightened. I don't want anymore cliches and there is nothing that anyone can do. I just have to go through it and it is what it is. so no, I am not ok and yeah it is process but with God I will be. RIP Daddy Freckles

1 comment:

dude.relax. said...

Take as long as you need. Just don't be usin' all my toilet paper :-)


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