Sunday, September 24, 2017

open to change. Am I really?

I may have to dig through the bad days just to get to the good ones. And yes I may fall, I may tumble...but I will not crumble.

It is hard..I just keep repeating the verse, "Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4

EVERYTHING has changed and I am just trying to appreciate every moment.  


Currently collecting my thoughts.

Friday, September 22, 2017

FLASHBACK FRIDAY: Growing into me... (in the drafts)

Is God pleased with me?
This statement echoes in my mind even now. This took me in several different directions and encouraged some self reflection along with some praise.
I have made some mistakes, told some lies and have not always liked the person that I was. wow, right? Yeah, that is what I think. It is what it is and its something to put it out there like that.
You see, I once was a person that felt the need to be validated by people, things and titles. My need for validation was like a drug. It never seemed like enough. I always needed something additional to top the last high. This drug turned me into aomeone and something else. It made me forget who I was and it mildly over powered my faith in self and in God. It is a very sad place to be but in the moment it feels good and feels real.
Validation is...
Here is my testimony...
God is awesome and sometimes you have to go through alittle something in order to see how awesome He really is. I am not here to telt anyone who or what to believe in but I am here to share my testimony.
As I am slowly approaching 30, I am blessed to have the opportunity to see me in a better light. I am in a wonderful place called contentment. There are people that go their entire lives without being able to look inthe mirro and like/love the images that stares back. There are people that do nota allow themselves the opportunity to see themselves (the good the bad and the ugly)

LA inspired Respiration

[Mos Def and crew]
So much on my mind I just can't recline
Blastin holes in the night til she bled sunshine
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline
Yo how the bass ride out like an ancient mating call
I can't take it y'all, I can feel the city breathing
Chest heavin, against the flesh of the evening
Kiss the Ide's goodbye, I'm on the last train leaving
So much on my mind I just can't recline
From where I sit, I look over the hood and so much as changed.  People have changed, the feel has changed the integrity is no longer valid.  Once upon a time there was some sort of love for the hood but now it has dwindled down.  It’s not all for the better but not all for the worse.  I see planes fly across smoggy skies but on a clear day my downtown is visual.  The ghetto bird hovers most nights bringing attention to the overrated element of who’s hood is it with territories marked on sidewalks, walls, buildings, peoples garage doors and even sometimes the church.  Yes, the blatant disrespect is prevalent.  I remember a time when passing cars would turn down the music when passing a church during service.  A time when marking territory didn’t include the dwellings of God’s temples in the hood but as I stated the hood has changed.  This was a time when there was some sort of respect and someone’s house, church or neighborhood businesses were not marked by individuals claiming territory that is not necessarily theirs to claim.  When folks in the hood weren’t held captive by bars to feel safe in a place of the American dream was consumed by unemployment and foreclosures in spite of red/blue claims that don’t really belong to them without no real pride or care for the hood.
So much on my mind I just can't recline
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

Once upon a time Parks Market was on 92nd and Western.  Their store
sat right off the corner as extended family watching the kids grow up and create a place that was constant and ever present force for generations.  They loved, knew neighbors by name and even employed the hood.  The Parks were the corner fresh meat and even fried fish market always open and generally available.  Now as I sit back and look over that off the corner lot all that is left is a piece of the foundation  to the building the held Mr. and Mrs. Parks for so long and was so positive.  Their place of hope lost.  The hope to rebuild didn’t give fuel to their desire.  Now a Dollar Tree but not of the growing family friendly kind.  It is just an existing presence.  All that exist is the liquor store across that makes money supplying some drunken tangents in a parking lot housing used condoms from the strawberries of the night.  The devastation with conflict of mind and giving up on all that could have been.  I see folks living for their work along with their dealing and scheming.  We all have a story but it’s just said to see my people doped up, cracked in and strung out.  Their heavily medicated souls estranged from their minds.  I look over it and across it all and my soul is disturbed.  It’s just sad seeing the hood not live to its potential.

So much on my mind I just can't recline
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

In the city of angels where we tend to bleed purple and gold supporting our hometown boys doesn’t keep the dope boys constantly stand watch shaking hands and staring at girls no yet old enough to understand the functions of their temple yet they speak of sharing it with each other and almost any other.  They don’t want to hold onto their innocence in hopes of growing up quick and having matchless materials or attention from what they may or may not have had.  There is now a time where sex is too often taken for granted and not so much into the pleasure.  All for more attention and even more attention confusing lust for love the some smoking and snorting to escape the reality.  The reality of babies having babies, some misusing their babies for the next high due to strung heads wandering dark sheets seeking the next hit of whatever, however with whomever only discovering forever lost innocence.  Yet the go along with their stories untold with ass cheeks hanging in site attempting to attract their next dollar but its mumbled across the hood yet there is no help or encouragement given. No love, little hope and just simply trying to make it. Damn the hood has changed or has it only just become more visible as it was all done in the dark and has all come to light.
So much on my mind I just can't recline
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

The large span of land surrounded by water divided by so many cities and so many ethnic groups. My hood was once white when my grandparents bought their home and then it when my mother graduated from high school in the same hood it grew very black and now as I have grown up, moved away and came back it has become more brown.  The complexions vary but the hood is still changing.  The crime is black on black and brown on brown and sometimes conflicts to black and brown.  My hood has a church on almost every other corner yet there is a need for more than a little prayer.  The overrated affiliates prey over their red and blue in my black and brown hood with no real care for the hood we all share.  Breathe in the hope that they will see the banging is not a true way of life and keepin it real will make you casualty of abnormal normality.  It won’t continue to be a place where what set you’re from won’t conclude with life taken.  Just to leave the hood to go to another is along the 405, 110, 105 and it’s simple to hop on the 207, 105, and 550 to just get away. No matter the situation there is always sunshine and gloom in the same moment.  The sky is clear and it may be a beautiful day but it never dismisses the things that go on in the hardly ever quiet hood but like Cube stated you always look forward to the opportunity to say today was a good day.

Skyscrapers is colossus, the cost of living
is preposterous, stay alive, you play or die, no options
No Batman and Robin, can't tell between
the cops and the robbers, they both partners, they all heartless
With no conscience, back streets stay darkened
Where unbeliever hearts stay hardened
Mos Def


Not knowing the ways'll get you capped like an NBA salary
Some cats be emceeing to illustrate what we be seeing
Hard to be a spiritual being when shit is shakin what you believe in
Talib Kweli

Monday, September 18, 2017

In my Fantasies, Love is...

In my fantasies, love is supposed to feel more than wonderful.  Full of warm fuzzy feelings and fireworks of chemistry.  It’s supposed to be mutual without limitations or boundaries.  It lasts through good days and bad days.  Days that I can’t stand him and he may not like me.  It’s laughter and tears.  It is incomplete sentences, conversational looks, inside jokes and confirmed l high fives.  Love is improperly improper, sometimes weird and a little immature.

Realistically, Love isn’t always patient and not always kind but it is understanding and filled with compromise.  It’s special, sweet and sometimes sexy.  It is intimate kisses, sensual touches  and comforting hugs.  Love is honor and loyalty.   It is simple truth and alternative facts.  It is trust and friendship.  Love is compiled of long walks, long talks upon a multitude of subjects and simply enjoying each other’s company.  Love is two imperfectly whole people uniting into completion. 

In my fantasies, love is supposed to be open to the possibilities and potential excitement about the future.  It is the desire to be in his space and he invading mine.  It is being relaxed in my skin and being ok with him seeing me not always being at my absolute best.  It’s being mindful of what’s said while trying to articulate what is being felt.  Love is not always being right and being ok with no ego.    It is powerfully courageous, constantly growing and deeply devoted with our devotion to spiritually cover each other solidifying that our team is solid with the Most High lighting our path.  It is some doubt mixed with some curiosity and always acknowledging the love.   

In my fantasies, love is truly knowing without a doubt that he loves me in spite of me, my flaws and even my petty.  He loving to be in my presence and hold me close, and I wanting to be as close as much as possible.  Love is quality time with each other and families as well as friendship introductions.  Love is his relationship with my mother, my family and friends that have become family.  Love is his dedication to know them and love their love for me and then us as a unit.  Love is me not having children and embracing his as my own.  Love is peace and prayer with his ability to read me scripture and relate it to us.  Love is praying over that point of scripture together as we converse about our forever.   It is knowing that He leads us and covers our union.  Love is praying for him prior to meeting him and seeing God bless me with the desire of my heart. Love is scriptures written to be read.  Love is Ruth to Boaz. 

In my fantasies, love is not knowing how much I needed him until he entirely gave me his heart and in spite of my “independence” acknowledging that we all have a past.   It is surrendering my being with no regret.  It is being careful who I share my soul with but being able to recognize the God in him to exhale.  Love is being consciously aware and him mentally taking me there.  Love is being free to be vulnerable with him and knowing that it is respected, protected and appreciated.  It is that I know that he is willing to teach but more importantly willing to learn. After all nobody knows it all.  Love is genuinely knowing without a shadow of doubt that I am his chosen one and only as well as the end all be all. It is never questioning how he feels and always acknowledging that God’s love, grace and mercy is our foundation.

Love is recognizing that my fantasy has become my reality.  I am so in love and he loves me back.  I have waited, not always patiently, for the right kind of love from the right man that was truly meant to be man enough to love me and still be the man.  I couldn’t imagine that love could be so wonderful and such a blessing to my existence and I am truly looking forward to loving us and keeping the fantasy alive. 

Friday, September 15, 2017

It was Storming...



The wind blew and the trees swayed while the rain began to fall. The rain was cold in competition with the crispiness of the air.  The sky grew dark and the colors were many shades of gray.  The feel was somber and my spirit felt a nervous calmness.  The storm was coming.  The clouds were full of despair and at the capacity with only the ability to release all of sadness, frustration, anger and most of all fear.  Fear of the absolute unexpected and the realization that destruction looms. 
Destruction has been a constant the last few years.  It has been surrounding and affecting so many people as well as impacting all that has been obtained, collected, built and established.  The storm has no regard to these matters and is insistent on releasing all the pressure.  As the sky begins to cry slowly the air continues to chill.  The shift in the temperature unsettles the spirit and seeking a refuge is the initial thought with worry straddling behind.  The wind becomes fierce and the tree sway becomes more of an uncoordinated rock.  There was a brief calm before the sky let loose and the anger unconstrained in the form of rain.  The roar was reminiscent of a train and the lighting lit the sky almost like a fireworks show.  It is kind of amazing how poetic darkness and light can be in the midst.  In that moment I could relate to the storm.  It is almost scary how relevant the storm is to life.

Life is happening and can be a constant cyclone of emotion, a hurricane of disasters and more than enough rain to either have overflow of feelings.  Far too often I feel alone in the storm without a direction or any sort of peace.  All the matters of my heart conflict and rage into a frenzy that works me up and out without any regard to an outlet.  I don’t know which way to turn, who to talk to or if anyone tends to care about all the shit that is currently going in my head.  There is no regard for wrong right or indifferent.  There are only feelings.  Not enough this or desire for more of that, too much distance, family and friends under and over attack, not knowing where the next is coming from.  To not be sure if love is enough and if the transition will make me or break me down and if I will crumble under the pressures.  I miss my daddy and I need him to help put all of this into perspective.

My heart is heavy and full.  I tend to hold it all within but far too often the load gets heavy and there’s need for release.  Sometimes it doesn’t all make sense and everything is everywhere.  There have been so many natural disasters in the form of storms happening and life still continues.  No one is exempt from the storm no matter the race, orientation, and sex or other.  We all go and grow through things.  We all have a tendency to feel overwhelmed with life and the storm sometimes seems to be the most destructive circumstances.  I’m grateful that I am able to endure the storms of life and watch the aftermath flourish.  We can survive.

Back at this

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,
I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 
In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.
While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 
There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 
Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.
I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 
Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.
Loving you Forever and Ever,
Freckles 


Friday, October 2, 2015

My Birthday Eve – Reflection


TIME is an amazing thing.  The things that are learned and gone through in time.  At this point in TIME in my life… Where do I start? 

The chick that I was in my 20s was not comfortable in her own skin.  She didn’t love herself the way she should of and looked to people and titles and status for validation.  It ruled and ran her.  She lived in her own fantasy world where the lies kept her whole and established.  She didn’t have to deal with herself or just be herself.  One day it all came to an end.  People made it about them but it wasn’t.  It was only about her and shoe she needed to be which is me.   The woman that I am now and steadily striving to become is still flawed.  She still makes mistakes.  She has some wonderful attributes. She is a fighter and survivor.  

I have gone through some things.  They say that you are always going in, through or coming out of something.  There is always something going on.  While there was a time that it was always and never about me in the same time.  I have been blessed to have been in apposition that I had to deal with me.  Learn me acknowledge me and just get comfortable with me and being me… with and without…    I am grateful for that transition.  Within that I finally found a happy medium with me esteem of self and my body image.  I lost about 75-85 pounds and up and down at the last 15.  I have started gaining weight again but that is due to some other stuff but that is another situation for another TIME.  The struggle is a constant real thing but I am finally comfortable in my own skin. GRATEFUL.

Life has a way of happening with TIME and putting things in perspective and realizations.  I live in my emotions.  It is who I am and I do not apologize for it.  I try to be a good person.  I make mistakes.  I am human and I am not perfect but then again no one is but HE.  I have flaws that I am in tune with that I am working on and some I am not.  I do not apologize for that either.  I am grateful that I am in a place where I can realize and recognize my good with my not so pleasant that I refuse to call bad but moreso human.  I shut down and try my best not to react.   When I do react, it is often not in that situation but in a compiled matter of things that have built up in my shut down to conflict. I do not do conflict.  I can’t and choose not to.  All that will come will not belong to that individual situation.  Not the best but it is who I am.  I grew up with people (family) that maliciously said things in moment that will never be able to be taken back.  I heard them in those moments.  They hurt and I refuse to hurt someone else with words that cannot be take back once spoke.  This tongue can get malicious and I am a beast with my words and I know how to use them.  I choose not to.  CHOICE.
 I am often scared to let go and release all my emotions but I am in need of cry… a release on so many levels.  I am sure that there are so many places that I can take this but I will save it for a few more post.  TO BE CONTINUED.

Since my daddy died, I feel men differently.  I am not sure that I am ready for that post but it out there and I will have to commit to completing that thought.  I am waiting for the words.  I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy.  I never had to question or doubt his love for me.  EVER.  He was flawed and he was not perfect but he was and will always be my hero.  I miss him.  I miss his life and all of our opportunities and potential.  It is sometimes scary to me that I cannot hear his voice anymore.  There are times that I do not feel him and there are even times that I hate that he is gone.  He left me and took pieces of me with him that will forever be incomplete.  He was the man of my life and just pray that though I believe that I am ready for love.  Thanks to my father I know that there is a type of love that I deserve.  In my life upgrade, I am upgrading my deserve level.  I deserve so much more than I accept.

OK… Here I am raw and transparently in my emotions.
Drinking.
It’s getting late and it is almost my birthday…

36

Thursday, September 24, 2015

FUmissindependentCK

I am sure that there will be some positive and negative spins on this subject but it is what it is and I feel how I feel. However you are all entitled to your own opinions but I do hope for a discussion. Fuck Miss Independent! At the end of the day I am single and am only INDEPENDENT due to circumstance. Yea I said it and I only partially mean it. I have to work and take care of myself (with occasional help from the parental units). I have to go to work so I have to pay my bills and possibly purchase a fabulously sexy pair of shoes for that off the banger shoe-gasm instead of my B.O.B. Yes, sometimes it is like that when a sista is on a drought like California.

                               I digress…
I am only truly independent because I have to be and because my mother and father taught me to depend on myself. My father taught me the discipline of martial arts and sports (soccer and track). He encouraged my mom to keep it feminine. My mother was strict about education and even encouraged college out of state so that I would have new experiences. While my parents were together, I watched my father provide for our family. He made sure we were all well taken care of. He was a man that tried to honor is role as a man, a father, a husband. I also saw my mother struggle to get her degree, work a full time job and raise two daughter while trying to find her independence. She never really had to work because she was provided for and when her life changed she had to make some changes as well. While my father was involved in our lives, he was no longer in our home. It changed me and I always wanted to be sure that I wouldn’t have the shift of roles or be so dependent on a man but when we know better we do better. All of that and I am still a single lady that doesn't have a ring on her or a love that is my very own.
                     
                            Again, I digress...
I have said this before when the question of my "status" comes up. I need a man to be my man and be able assume the role of being a man. If I had a man that was man enough to be my man it would be about him being head of household. Yeah I said it and it is ordained by God (read your good book sometimes). I would love the opportunity to work and not have to be completely responsible for keeping our household. Frankly, I am not all that responsible but I do my best. I had a conversation with a potential husband applicant and he said that if we were to get married I should be happy that all the bills were paid = roof over your head, all utilities paid including cable and internet so I could talk to you all that our home was fully furnished. I was listening to him thinking hell yeah sounds like a plan and where do I sign. Not really but honestly it sounds good to me. He went on to share with me that my shoe habit was not really an issue but I would have to work to maintain habit (in my head that was truly make it a habit) but nonetheless I heard what he was saying. He explained to me that he was a man and if I were his wife it was his duty to provide the necessities of living (i.e. home, car and good love and communication etc.) and return he would hope that I would respect our home by keeping it clean and kept, his desire to work (he drives trucks so he is gone for long periods at a time but he loves his work) and make sure that we maintained our relationship and kept it sexily nasty not necessarily only in the bedroom but you get the point. Hell, I can do that daddy went through my head as I heard my favorite Luther wedding song in my head and imagined this wonderful party because we eloped and decided to have a party after the fact. We just wanted to be married. :)

Seriously, I heard him and truly listened to what he had to say upon the subject. The conversation went more in depth but it's truly known of your business or relevant to this matter. However I did wonder if I truly have the ability to let my man (future husband) be my man in every aspect of the word and if that is why I am single.  I would like to believe that I am sincerely ready to let go of my singularly independent ways and become part of partnership. Although, I have been taking care of myself for a long time. I like being able to come and go as I please. I can appreciate that when I am irresponsible it only impacts me for the most part. I like that I do not have children and don’t have to care after anyone but me. I like that I don’t have to communicate my desires to someone or be conscious of how they feel about things and even compromise on life changing situations. All of that sounds good but aren't some of these things contradicting attributes of marriage?

I understand that I must be able to bring something to the table. I have to have something to offer besides that wonderful gift between my legs. I have to be there for him, support him, nourish him, love him, stroke (not only in the sexual sense) but I have to allow my man to be a man. I must respect his place as my man and I as his woman. We all have our roles in relationships and I sometimes see us all not respecting our positions (roles). Again, I say read your good book). Women sometimes get too caught up with being independent that we sometimes feel like we can be a man and cross that line. Then there are men that want to be men but do not want hold the title in its entirety.

Honestly, I can deal with that and I want that. I want a man that is man enough to be my man. A man that has a back bone, good communication, doesn’t mind telling me the truth even when there is a chance that my feelings may get hurt (though Imma need him to find a tactful way of saying it to me). A man that believes that being a man is taking care of his family and being a provider (emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially). It is his role as head of household and it is divine order (God, Man than Woman). However we live in a society where there are not too many two parent households and where a mother sometimes has to do her best to teach a boy to be a man when it is not her role to do so. We live in a society where it is ok for a woman to carry both roles of mother and father where she does as much as possible to provide for her family and bear the burden of possibly not having enough time, money, help, love etc. We live in a society where it is ok for men to make babies and be completely responsible for them (full time or otherwise). Where there are dudes that are boys trying to be men by whatever example they find. It is a cycle that continues and not completely understood. So yeah, that sister considers herself independent and it is idolized which is not a bad thing but she is something else when she not capable of appreciating a good man when he comes her way because she is conditioned to take care of self. She doesn’t know any different. She builds walls and doesn’t allow herself to let a man be a man and may not be able to recognize it at all because she can do it all herself because she is Miss Independent or goes back to her being Miss Independent – Yes there is something about her and no she cannot spend any time. I love Ne-Yo and don’t get me wrong but is there really something about her. All through the song he doesn’t really say anything truly positive or uplifting. However it does sound good and I have nothing against a woman that is her own boss. In fact I embrace it but I am not really referring to a woman being her person. I am more so referring the dynamic of roles in relationships and how we play them.

Let’s be honest for a second even if we agree to disagree, it is cool. No one wants to be alone and we all want to have our own identities. We want to be able to fend for ourselves and take care of ourselves. We want to be all that we can be. I am thankful for the day where a woman can have jobs that were once looked upon as man’s work. I embrace that fact that women as a whole embrace being able to get an education, work for themselves and purchase their own homes. It is wonderful that we live in a country where a woman can run for president. Yes all of these things are wonderful especially when once upon a time women were not able to do so. YAY LADIES!!! It is indeed a blessing and with all of that in mind that we can be liberated/ independent. We can do it all but we are not men. We are women that should conduct ourselves as such. Men and women are different. We not only have different parts but different views. This woman just happens to believe that INDEPENDENCE doesn’t have to define me. Whereas I don’t believe that I need a man to define me I would like to have one that I can say that is evenly yoked. I believe that Jill Scott said best when she “And even though I can do all these things, I need you…” It is so true.






The Fact Is (I Need You) - Jill Scott

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Take Off Your Cool (to Him inspired by Outkast: Speakerbox/The Love Below)

Take Off Your Cool – Andre 3000 (OutKast) f. Norah Jones
Baby, take off your cool
I wanna see you, I wanna see you
Baby, don’t be so cool,
I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Dedicated to Him...

See me, Hear me, Feel me…

This is me transparently displaying more than just action with you in regard.  I wanna know all of you.  Know you in the most intimate of your thoughts, pleasures and desires.   I wanna know you all the way through.  Your concepts, ideas, points of view alongside your ambitions and fears.  With that all in my mind, I deliver me unto you.  Open and fully aware, inhibited, freely showing you all of me in return or even prior to. 
Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

See me grow, mature and even make some mistakes that may make you somewhat not pleased.  May be hard to watch but knowing I will get through it.  See me excel in my dreams as they come true one by one.  See my expectation to rejoice together.  See me want to be with you and please you.  See me show you without feeling as there is a need to prove.  See us be great, growing together but still keeping each piece in tact.

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Hear me when I say what I feel and desire whether pain, love or randomness.  Hear my honesty, being me in its entirety (good, fab, not so amusing, desirably sexy, and mildly mannish however it be).  Hear my desire for you and us.  Hear my point of view that may not always agree with yours, though respectable that there is a line at disagree.  Hear my heart speak directly to yours in more than just passion, exhilarating spiritual compassion for what’s within.  Hear the expression of soul to soul with no words audibly spoken though full conversations were heard.  Hear me declare us a team, knowing that I am your advocate and never intentionally your adversary.

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Feel my femininity as I am sincerely comfortable being a woman.  I love my features and know what works where with this/that and where it all should be.  Feel that I choose to display my features how I choose to which makes me happy to be me.  Feel that I love me enough to love you.  Feel my flaws as they are in existence in tune with the rest of me even when they’re showcase not some of my best moments.  Feel that it is ok to not particularly be fond of those attributes acknowledging that they are mere parts that should not impact heavier than the things that you adore.  Feel me love hard, completely without restriction.  Feel me allow you into my spaces freely and especially. 

Baby, take off your cool because all I want is to know you.

Monday, September 14, 2015

THIS or THAT


The possible potential of happiness looms right in front of his face, often in his thoughts and is sometimes heard from lips once kissed on a regular basis.  From lips to ears his desire slips from the history had and all those great times caressing limbs of what use to be.   He continues to be conflicted by THISTHIS potential is easy, relaxed and simple.  There are no real complications or any unnecessary drama.  THIS is more than a perception with more than just potential yet it goes unrecognized due to the comfort of THATTHIS is not just a fantasy or about change attempts or even just comfort.   THIS is full of possibilities but his fear of THIS opportunity lingers overhead invading his motives but why not choose to be happy with THIS comfort?

 He can get with THIS, or he can get with THAT.
He should get with THIS, for THIS is where it's at

THIS is not in the habit of comparing about THIS vs THAT especially when there is not much for comparison.  THIS is more than history.  THIS is about the chemistry THIS is more than a notion.  THIS can’t be dreamed up or imagined.  THIS is go with the flow, fun and familiar.  The familiar is theoretical.  THIS is what’s known yet there’s always a surprise with an unexpected dose of multiple joys.  After all, THIS is always full of surprises.  THIS is all about him and making him better while keeping his aspirations in mind and THAT is not ‘bout THIS life.  THIS embodies his dreams, desires and is destined to be great for him and with him.  THIS wants the best for him and constantly encourages him.  THIS likes who he was, is and will be as growth is inevitable regardless of THAT.  There’s always choice.

He can get with THIS, or he can get with THAT.
He should get with THIS, for THIS is where it's at

Seeing THIS and looking at THATTHIS and THAT are not of the same breed.  They are not the same kind of woman but there is something about THAT which keeps him involved.  He seems to like/love THAT but there is still something about THIS keeping his interest.   If he wants THAT, he should not keep wanting THIS yet there is always choice.  One chooses who they spend their time.  Time should never be wasted.  THIS understands and knows him in a way of function, interaction and emotion.  He is not the kind to always speak upon matters yet THIS knows how to deal.  THIS understands all of his pleasure points while knowing and acknowledging his disposition.  THIS wants to feed his cravings, nurture his gratification while fulfilling him to satisfaction.  THAT can never keep up with THIS activity, however THAT is his choice.

He can get with THIS, or he can get with THAT.
He should get with THIS, for THIS is where it's at


It is often wondered why not THIS vs THAT but then again why.  It is a wonder to have all the questions with no answers.  Especially since He was once in tune with THIS chemistry and enjoyed all THIS had to offer yet THAT is what he continues to claim.   Regardless of THIS ridiculous chemistry this always just feels real good.  It just seems to be simple in theory.  While being comfortable is an accomplishment to some THAT is not always what makes one happy.  

Is you happy?

COPYRIGHT

MyFreeCopyright.com Registered & Protected