Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,
I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 
In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.
While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 
There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 
Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.
I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 
Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.
Loving you Forever and Ever,
Freckles 


Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,
I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 
In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.
While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 
There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 
Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.
I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 
Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.
Loving you Forever and Ever,
Freckles 


Friday, October 2, 2015

My Birthday Eve – Reflection


TIME is an amazing thing.  The things that are learned and gone through in time.  At this point in TIME in my life… Where do I start? 

The chick that I was in my 20s was not comfortable in her own skin.  She didn’t love herself the way she should of and looked to people and titles and status for validation.  It ruled and ran her.  She lived in her own fantasy world where the lies kept her whole and established.  She didn’t have to deal with herself or just be herself.  One day it all came to an end.  People made it about them but it wasn’t.  It was only about her and shoe she needed to be which is me.   The woman that I am now and steadily striving to become is still flawed.  She still makes mistakes.  She has some wonderful attributes. She is a fighter and survivor.  

I have gone through some things.  They say that you are always going in, through or coming out of something.  There is always something going on.  While there was a time that it was always and never about me in the same time.  I have been blessed to have been in apposition that I had to deal with me.  Learn me acknowledge me and just get comfortable with me and being me… with and without…    I am grateful for that transition.  Within that I finally found a happy medium with me esteem of self and my body image.  I lost about 75-85 pounds and up and down at the last 15.  I have started gaining weight again but that is due to some other stuff but that is another situation for another TIME.  The struggle is a constant real thing but I am finally comfortable in my own skin. GRATEFUL.

Life has a way of happening with TIME and putting things in perspective and realizations.  I live in my emotions.  It is who I am and I do not apologize for it.  I try to be a good person.  I make mistakes.  I am human and I am not perfect but then again no one is but HE.  I have flaws that I am in tune with that I am working on and some I am not.  I do not apologize for that either.  I am grateful that I am in a place where I can realize and recognize my good with my not so pleasant that I refuse to call bad but moreso human.  I shut down and try my best not to react.   When I do react, it is often not in that situation but in a compiled matter of things that have built up in my shut down to conflict. I do not do conflict.  I can’t and choose not to.  All that will come will not belong to that individual situation.  Not the best but it is who I am.  I grew up with people (family) that maliciously said things in moment that will never be able to be taken back.  I heard them in those moments.  They hurt and I refuse to hurt someone else with words that cannot be take back once spoke.  This tongue can get malicious and I am a beast with my words and I know how to use them.  I choose not to.  CHOICE.
 I am often scared to let go and release all my emotions but I am in need of cry… a release on so many levels.  I am sure that there are so many places that I can take this but I will save it for a few more post.  TO BE CONTINUED.

Since my daddy died, I feel men differently.  I am not sure that I am ready for that post but it out there and I will have to commit to completing that thought.  I am waiting for the words.  I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy.  I never had to question or doubt his love for me.  EVER.  He was flawed and he was not perfect but he was and will always be my hero.  I miss him.  I miss his life and all of our opportunities and potential.  It is sometimes scary to me that I cannot hear his voice anymore.  There are times that I do not feel him and there are even times that I hate that he is gone.  He left me and took pieces of me with him that will forever be incomplete.  He was the man of my life and just pray that though I believe that I am ready for love.  Thanks to my father I know that there is a type of love that I deserve.  In my life upgrade, I am upgrading my deserve level.  I deserve so much more than I accept.

OK… Here I am raw and transparently in my emotions.
Drinking.
It’s getting late and it is almost my birthday…

36

Thursday, September 24, 2015

FUmissindependentCK

I am sure that there will be some positive and negative spins on this subject but it is what it is and I feel how I feel. However you are all entitled to your own opinions but I do hope for a discussion. Fuck Miss Independent! At the end of the day I am single and am only INDEPENDENT due to circumstance. Yea I said it and I only partially mean it. I have to work and take care of myself (with occasional help from the parental units). I have to go to work so I have to pay my bills and possibly purchase a fabulously sexy pair of shoes for that off the banger shoe-gasm instead of my B.O.B. Yes, sometimes it is like that when a sista is on a drought like California.

                               I digress…
I am only truly independent because I have to be and because my mother and father taught me to depend on myself. My father taught me the discipline of martial arts and sports (soccer and track). He encouraged my mom to keep it feminine. My mother was strict about education and even encouraged college out of state so that I would have new experiences. While my parents were together, I watched my father provide for our family. He made sure we were all well taken care of. He was a man that tried to honor is role as a man, a father, a husband. I also saw my mother struggle to get her degree, work a full time job and raise two daughter while trying to find her independence. She never really had to work because she was provided for and when her life changed she had to make some changes as well. While my father was involved in our lives, he was no longer in our home. It changed me and I always wanted to be sure that I wouldn’t have the shift of roles or be so dependent on a man but when we know better we do better. All of that and I am still a single lady that doesn't have a ring on her or a love that is my very own.
                     
                            Again, I digress...
I have said this before when the question of my "status" comes up. I need a man to be my man and be able assume the role of being a man. If I had a man that was man enough to be my man it would be about him being head of household. Yeah I said it and it is ordained by God (read your good book sometimes). I would love the opportunity to work and not have to be completely responsible for keeping our household. Frankly, I am not all that responsible but I do my best. I had a conversation with a potential husband applicant and he said that if we were to get married I should be happy that all the bills were paid = roof over your head, all utilities paid including cable and internet so I could talk to you all that our home was fully furnished. I was listening to him thinking hell yeah sounds like a plan and where do I sign. Not really but honestly it sounds good to me. He went on to share with me that my shoe habit was not really an issue but I would have to work to maintain habit (in my head that was truly make it a habit) but nonetheless I heard what he was saying. He explained to me that he was a man and if I were his wife it was his duty to provide the necessities of living (i.e. home, car and good love and communication etc.) and return he would hope that I would respect our home by keeping it clean and kept, his desire to work (he drives trucks so he is gone for long periods at a time but he loves his work) and make sure that we maintained our relationship and kept it sexily nasty not necessarily only in the bedroom but you get the point. Hell, I can do that daddy went through my head as I heard my favorite Luther wedding song in my head and imagined this wonderful party because we eloped and decided to have a party after the fact. We just wanted to be married. :)

Seriously, I heard him and truly listened to what he had to say upon the subject. The conversation went more in depth but it's truly known of your business or relevant to this matter. However I did wonder if I truly have the ability to let my man (future husband) be my man in every aspect of the word and if that is why I am single.  I would like to believe that I am sincerely ready to let go of my singularly independent ways and become part of partnership. Although, I have been taking care of myself for a long time. I like being able to come and go as I please. I can appreciate that when I am irresponsible it only impacts me for the most part. I like that I do not have children and don’t have to care after anyone but me. I like that I don’t have to communicate my desires to someone or be conscious of how they feel about things and even compromise on life changing situations. All of that sounds good but aren't some of these things contradicting attributes of marriage?

I understand that I must be able to bring something to the table. I have to have something to offer besides that wonderful gift between my legs. I have to be there for him, support him, nourish him, love him, stroke (not only in the sexual sense) but I have to allow my man to be a man. I must respect his place as my man and I as his woman. We all have our roles in relationships and I sometimes see us all not respecting our positions (roles). Again, I say read your good book). Women sometimes get too caught up with being independent that we sometimes feel like we can be a man and cross that line. Then there are men that want to be men but do not want hold the title in its entirety.

Honestly, I can deal with that and I want that. I want a man that is man enough to be my man. A man that has a back bone, good communication, doesn’t mind telling me the truth even when there is a chance that my feelings may get hurt (though Imma need him to find a tactful way of saying it to me). A man that believes that being a man is taking care of his family and being a provider (emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially). It is his role as head of household and it is divine order (God, Man than Woman). However we live in a society where there are not too many two parent households and where a mother sometimes has to do her best to teach a boy to be a man when it is not her role to do so. We live in a society where it is ok for a woman to carry both roles of mother and father where she does as much as possible to provide for her family and bear the burden of possibly not having enough time, money, help, love etc. We live in a society where it is ok for men to make babies and be completely responsible for them (full time or otherwise). Where there are dudes that are boys trying to be men by whatever example they find. It is a cycle that continues and not completely understood. So yeah, that sister considers herself independent and it is idolized which is not a bad thing but she is something else when she not capable of appreciating a good man when he comes her way because she is conditioned to take care of self. She doesn’t know any different. She builds walls and doesn’t allow herself to let a man be a man and may not be able to recognize it at all because she can do it all herself because she is Miss Independent or goes back to her being Miss Independent – Yes there is something about her and no she cannot spend any time. I love Ne-Yo and don’t get me wrong but is there really something about her. All through the song he doesn’t really say anything truly positive or uplifting. However it does sound good and I have nothing against a woman that is her own boss. In fact I embrace it but I am not really referring to a woman being her person. I am more so referring the dynamic of roles in relationships and how we play them.

Let’s be honest for a second even if we agree to disagree, it is cool. No one wants to be alone and we all want to have our own identities. We want to be able to fend for ourselves and take care of ourselves. We want to be all that we can be. I am thankful for the day where a woman can have jobs that were once looked upon as man’s work. I embrace that fact that women as a whole embrace being able to get an education, work for themselves and purchase their own homes. It is wonderful that we live in a country where a woman can run for president. Yes all of these things are wonderful especially when once upon a time women were not able to do so. YAY LADIES!!! It is indeed a blessing and with all of that in mind that we can be liberated/ independent. We can do it all but we are not men. We are women that should conduct ourselves as such. Men and women are different. We not only have different parts but different views. This woman just happens to believe that INDEPENDENCE doesn’t have to define me. Whereas I don’t believe that I need a man to define me I would like to have one that I can say that is evenly yoked. I believe that Jill Scott said best when she “And even though I can do all these things, I need you…” It is so true.






The Fact Is (I Need You) - Jill Scott

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Take Off Your Cool (to Him inspired by Outkast: Speakerbox/The Love Below)

Take Off Your Cool – Andre 3000 (OutKast) f. Norah Jones
Baby, take off your cool
I wanna see you, I wanna see you
Baby, don’t be so cool,
I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Dedicated to Him...

See me, Hear me, Feel me…

This is me transparently displaying more than just action with you in regard.  I wanna know all of you.  Know you in the most intimate of your thoughts, pleasures and desires.   I wanna know you all the way through.  Your concepts, ideas, points of view alongside your ambitions and fears.  With that all in my mind, I deliver me unto you.  Open and fully aware, inhibited, freely showing you all of me in return or even prior to. 
Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

See me grow, mature and even make some mistakes that may make you somewhat not pleased.  May be hard to watch but knowing I will get through it.  See me excel in my dreams as they come true one by one.  See my expectation to rejoice together.  See me want to be with you and please you.  See me show you without feeling as there is a need to prove.  See us be great, growing together but still keeping each piece in tact.

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Hear me when I say what I feel and desire whether pain, love or randomness.  Hear my honesty, being me in its entirety (good, fab, not so amusing, desirably sexy, and mildly mannish however it be).  Hear my desire for you and us.  Hear my point of view that may not always agree with yours, though respectable that there is a line at disagree.  Hear my heart speak directly to yours in more than just passion, exhilarating spiritual compassion for what’s within.  Hear the expression of soul to soul with no words audibly spoken though full conversations were heard.  Hear me declare us a team, knowing that I am your advocate and never intentionally your adversary.

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Feel my femininity as I am sincerely comfortable being a woman.  I love my features and know what works where with this/that and where it all should be.  Feel that I choose to display my features how I choose to which makes me happy to be me.  Feel that I love me enough to love you.  Feel my flaws as they are in existence in tune with the rest of me even when they’re showcase not some of my best moments.  Feel that it is ok to not particularly be fond of those attributes acknowledging that they are mere parts that should not impact heavier than the things that you adore.  Feel me love hard, completely without restriction.  Feel me allow you into my spaces freely and especially. 

Baby, take off your cool because all I want is to know you.

Monday, September 14, 2015

THIS or THAT


The possible potential of happiness looms right in front of his face, often in his thoughts and is sometimes heard from lips once kissed on a regular basis.  From lips to ears his desire slips from the history had and all those great times caressing limbs of what use to be.   He continues to be conflicted by THISTHIS potential is easy, relaxed and simple.  There are no real complications or any unnecessary drama.  THIS is more than a perception with more than just potential yet it goes unrecognized due to the comfort of THATTHIS is not just a fantasy or about change attempts or even just comfort.   THIS is full of possibilities but his fear of THIS opportunity lingers overhead invading his motives but why not choose to be happy with THIS comfort?

 He can get with THIS, or he can get with THAT.
He should get with THIS, for THIS is where it's at

THIS is not in the habit of comparing about THIS vs THAT especially when there is not much for comparison.  THIS is more than history.  THIS is about the chemistry THIS is more than a notion.  THIS can’t be dreamed up or imagined.  THIS is go with the flow, fun and familiar.  The familiar is theoretical.  THIS is what’s known yet there’s always a surprise with an unexpected dose of multiple joys.  After all, THIS is always full of surprises.  THIS is all about him and making him better while keeping his aspirations in mind and THAT is not ‘bout THIS life.  THIS embodies his dreams, desires and is destined to be great for him and with him.  THIS wants the best for him and constantly encourages him.  THIS likes who he was, is and will be as growth is inevitable regardless of THAT.  There’s always choice.

He can get with THIS, or he can get with THAT.
He should get with THIS, for THIS is where it's at

Seeing THIS and looking at THATTHIS and THAT are not of the same breed.  They are not the same kind of woman but there is something about THAT which keeps him involved.  He seems to like/love THAT but there is still something about THIS keeping his interest.   If he wants THAT, he should not keep wanting THIS yet there is always choice.  One chooses who they spend their time.  Time should never be wasted.  THIS understands and knows him in a way of function, interaction and emotion.  He is not the kind to always speak upon matters yet THIS knows how to deal.  THIS understands all of his pleasure points while knowing and acknowledging his disposition.  THIS wants to feed his cravings, nurture his gratification while fulfilling him to satisfaction.  THAT can never keep up with THIS activity, however THAT is his choice.

He can get with THIS, or he can get with THAT.
He should get with THIS, for THIS is where it's at


It is often wondered why not THIS vs THAT but then again why.  It is a wonder to have all the questions with no answers.  Especially since He was once in tune with THIS chemistry and enjoyed all THIS had to offer yet THAT is what he continues to claim.   Regardless of THIS ridiculous chemistry this always just feels real good.  It just seems to be simple in theory.  While being comfortable is an accomplishment to some THAT is not always what makes one happy.  

Is you happy?

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

For Your HEAD Service

WARNING: This is a touchy subject and I thought long and hard (no pun intended) about stimulating this conversation amongst adults but I deem it necessary. Again, this is only one interpretation that should offer some assistance and thought to all parties. Some will agree and others will disagree – all are ok and accepted. This is a two sided conversation and is more than the initial attention grabber. Please take into consideration that this conversation is meant for mature adults that can handle all verbiage being used. If you are sensitive to sexual matters, please do not read this post. Thank you.

Shall we proceed?

Speak into the mic, just kiss it or lick it a little bit, puff the pipe – it won’t make you choke, say hello to my lil friend (yes some are smaller than others), blow the whistle, it won’t get hard if you don’t help it out, or simply can I get some head? 

All said while trying to guide head to head. I am sure that there are several ladies that could create a list that would both be ridiculous and ironic.  It is amazing the things that some men come up with in order to get some “head”.  I do not understand some men’s desire or need to ask for some head, penis suckage or fellatio. Now do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a little head.  It is, depending on the situation and/or relationship, essential to a moment.  Let’s all be honest here. We all like to receive it but honestly we don’t all like to give it or give our best. Most importantly there are women that don’t always think that it is the sexiest thing to do. Some like it, love, adore it, can’t stand it and would rather just do it regular.  Generally the point of “hooking up” would be for enjoyment unless he’s selfish, which many are (both sides).  Back to the point.  Head shouldn’t be a negotiation or a bargaining tool.  One shouldn’t feel the need to beg for it or act as if it is life or death without.  Yeah, I said it and some just make it feel that way especially when we all profess to be adult, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I get it, to an extent.  I understand that it feels real good. I understand that it may possibly look very sexy to watch and feel the warmth and wetness along with the softness of her lips along your man muscle. [GO AHEAD, HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE].  The pleasure of laying back, relaxing and not having to take control of the sexual situation.  I get it.  I also understand that it is a part of sex and yes head is to be enjoyed by most but of course when done correctly [STICK A PEN IN THAT WE MAY NEED TO REVISIT THAT ANOTHER TIME]. Both, like less biting and teeth used – we agree. However, question is why must you ask or use some sort of not so sexy verbiage to insinuate your desire?  Why are you ok with asking for head in the first place?

For some oral sex is more intimate than actual intercourse and is a bigger leap of faith. After all it is all right there and it’s your mouth and we both… well, we will just say that it is something to think about if you are a not so  and/or fresh person. We don’t always ask the necessary questions outside of are you disease free. Does she brush her teeth or take care of her mouth – does he use soap and clean down under his balls? And such as. I mean really – we all need to be a bit more selective and more concerned. The world is a very crazy place these days. [JUST A THOUGHT – you cannot suck or lick on every and/or anybody]. Then there is the matter of what am I getting out of the deal especially if we are not a long term situation? Seriously, after you nut, if you get to that point, do you have come back, is that it or will you be returning the favor and do you expect this all the time? I would like to believe that it can be more of the preliminary step, a kind of foreplay, rather than the main event and it’s not always done accordingly but each and every situation is different. Govern yourself accordingly.

Just a few thoughts that run through mind quickly after the initial inquiry but my main point of thought is, why are you even asking? I don’t get that. It seems like if it is going to happen it’s going to happen and it should not be expected but moreso appreciated.  If we are random to each other or not necessarily exclusive what makes it be necessary.  After all if it didn’t automatically happen, what makes you think that you are worth the service? Now, I don’t want to hurt any feelings or even offend anyone but did you consider that this service is given to some and only a privilege to others or that you just don’t meet the desire.  Sometimes it just doesn’t feel right or feel pleasured upon the part of the giver.  A woman will initiate her desires, please believe – have you thought about that? Have you ever sat back and considered the willingness of some and the reluctance of others. Think about it!!!

I have often wondered if the inquiry comes from a selfish a place or is it one of those activities that should be added to my resume under the skill section.  Should a chick be flattered that you thought of her enough to ask her to suck you off or get you started? Should she feel privileged that you say that she is so good that you just want it all the time? Should she think that it is in the best interest of her health and womanhood to proceed or that you may not be attracted and/or interested otherwise? Did you have Wendys or did you have McCormick and Schmitt's? When you ask do you consider that you may be taking the joy or desire from her? Do you even think with your actual head before asking for head?

It’s funny that this seems to be an ongoing debate or even a conversation that is always not agreed upon. It’s one of those touchy subjects that is sometimes felt uncalled for or uncivilized.  Us all being grown has nothing to do with giving or even receiving.  It is the comfort to all parties involved. The real inquiry here is not asking for head but the matter we don’t all think about what we are doing before we do it. DID YOU CATCH THAT?

We do not always take into consideration the reactions to our actions in advance or thought. Like a man once told me pouting, sulking and dropping hints are not good strategies when you don’t get your way. True gratification is mental so please give it some head.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Check Yoself Before You Wreck Yoself

I have been known to be the guys girl.  I have several male friends and always have.  I am cool, laid back, not hard on the eyes (toot toot), love football, fond of the random pointless cuss word and can even toss them back with the best of them.  This was a bit of problem in high school which was often perceived as being more than it was which made girls play on my phone and whisper behind my back.  Now 15 years later I am still comfortable with men and love to be around them. Most of my male/guy friends have been around since high school (circa 1994).  We have grown up, apart and together again in this time.  Several are in relationships, some are married or just involved but point is I know my role in their lives.  I try to be as respectful as possible often introducing myself to their others when possible.  I like to ensure them that I am not that chick and that I know my place.  I do my best to never confuse what our friendship is but do try to be a good friend.  I do not do a bunch of calling, texting or asking for time.  I do randomly check in via text, call and sometimes facebook (if  we are allowed to be friends on the book). 

All of this to say...

I need my friend's girlfriends, wives, baby mommas, main chicks, jump offs, chicks that think that they are #1, cuddle buddies, f-partners, one night stands etc to ALL play their roles and stay in their lanes.  I need them to go to their dude when they believe that they have  a problem.  I need them to stay off my phone, out of my text messages and my fb inbox with the BS.  CHECK YOSELF!  I need these broads to not be grown doing the same mess that was not even ok in high school.  CHECK YOSELF!  I need these so called women to grow up and stop being so insecure that they feel the need to play on the phone and inquire about their male companion.  I need them to realize that all of this keeping track of a man is not worth it and that some women do not feel obligated to play this game of check up. CHECK YOSELF! I do not wish to play this game and I would so sincerely appreciate it if women that are oh so insecure, women that are not  completely involved,, women that are mothers and should be taking care of their children oppose to screening calls/ text messages, forwarding his phone calls to her phone so that they can keep track of all his comings and going, who he is conversing with and why.  Who actually has time for that? CHECK YOSELF! 


You better check yo self before you wreck yo self - I cannot appreciate the foolery and just needed to get this bit off my chest. 

MO to my JO Part 1

My last relationship was all sorts of beautiful. In the moment I often believed in giving him my forever and it was easy and simple.  It all felt all kinds of right.  I thought he was the one. The end all, be all. The final key to my lock. The ball to my chain.  He was the perfect verse over a tight beat (BROWN SUGAR).  Until… he decided otherwise.  Though I cannot truly fault him for being all in his head and not in sync with his heart... HOWEVER THAT’S ANOTHER SOMETHING FOR ANOTHER TIME…POSSIBLY MAYBE
A N Y W A Y S…
During this time I let go of the team and made him my . There were no backups or substitutions. I didn’t believe it to be necessary.  I cut off all alternative options.  Also in this time I began the all of the us associations. We can do this, we will do that, do we want… We, we, we with not much regard to I.  It was ok initially because I was suppose to have further need for it but when that changed I needed to be reacquainted with HER.  My supreme individuality of being me but better.  SHE is the very essence of me without attributing and alter ego.  We are one in the same.  FRANCHISE PLAYERS.  She is the MO to the JO better known as my MOJO.
mo·jo/ˈˌjō/
Noun:
1.     A magic charm, hex, or spell. I got my mojo workin'.
2.     Magic power
3.     Style. I've got my mojo goin' on!
4.     Sex appeal. I've got serious mojo.

Honestly, there was a large part of me that hoped that He would recognize that I was all the things that I felt he was to me so I kept the communication open along with my heart.  Then one day it all just made sense. It clicked and it was affirmed that I needed to move forward and let him go.  No need to just stick your toe in the water when you can cannon ball.


MO is uber feminine and super girly.  She is into stilettos, dresses, skirts, mascara and lipstick. MO is womanly polite and allows a man to be a man.  She enjoys chivalry and being treated the way a woman should.  She holds her head up and appreciates her best assets.  MO is smart and well aware of her surroundings.  She is nice but not naïve which sometimes get confused by some as a weakness but she embraces it as her strength.  She is not into conflict, strife or unnecessary roughness.  MO is the girl in the woman that believes in love and feeling good in the midst.  She is well put together and all into her presentation which makes ME feel good.
aggressive, militant, assertive, self-assertive mean obtrusively energetic especially in pursuing particular goals. aggressive implies a disposition to dominate often in disregard of others' rights or in determined and energetic pursuit of one's ends &aggressive in his business dealings;

assertive suggests bold self-confidence in expression of opinion assertive
speakers dominated the forum;. self-assertive connotes forwardness or brash self-confidence self-assertive.

Now JO is an extension of my MO that plays into her femininity.  JO is more shaken than stirred.  She is the perfect cocktail with equal parts spicy, savory and sweet over ice and even venturing into the kind that is not for everyone.  JO is sometimes mannish in her approach in a way that is sometimes overly sensual with several sexual undertones.  JO is much more in tune with her sexuality and doesn’t mind venturing into conversation.  She has a way with words and uses them to her advantage to be boldly direct and sort of forward. She does not have an issue with saying like she means and doesn’t apologize for it.  JO says it like she feels it and leads with her physical emotions.  JO is also bit more aggressive in her dealings.  She is not the kind that waits for a man to approach and will makes sure he knows she is worth the effort even before he may consider.  She has the perfect eye contact with a stare a bit too long to acknowledge that it is mutual.  While she thinks before she speaks she tends to be a bit blunt compared to MO.    JO sometimes inserts random cuss word to get her point across and enjoys flirting though it’s not always intentionally to her benefit.  When she sees something or someone she wants she is focused, confident and self assured.  JO is very comfortable around men and is a lover of most men.  She is a guy’s girl.  JO loves football, chicken wings and an occasional imported dark beer with a chaser.  JO unites with MO to become a total package of balance.

My MO to my JO is more in me than I previously noticed.  I thought that I was out of touch with her.   I just need to feel my way through and put it to use to see how far we can go.  We will spend some time out and get to know each other.  I guess it is sort of like riding a bike… you never really forget.  Do you know your MOJO?


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