I am sure that there will be some positive and negative spins on this subject but it is what it is and I feel how I feel. However you are all entitled to your own opinions but I do hope for a discussion. Fuck Miss Independent! At the end of the day I am single and am only INDEPENDENT due to circumstance. Yea I said it and I only partially mean it. I have to work and take care of myself (with occasional help from the parental units). I have to go to work so I have to pay my bills and possibly purchase a fabulously sexy pair of shoes for that off the banger shoe-gasm instead of my B.O.B. Yes, sometimes it is like that when a sista is on a drought like California.
I am only truly independent because I have to be and because my mother and father taught me to depend on myself. My father taught me the discipline of martial arts and sports (soccer and track). He encouraged my mom to keep it feminine. My mother was strict about education and even encouraged college out of state so that I would have new experiences. While my parents were together, I watched my father provide for our family. He made sure we were all well taken care of. He was a man that tried to honor is role as a man, a father, a husband. I also saw my mother struggle to get her degree, work a full time job and raise two daughter while trying to find her independence. She never really had to work because she was provided for and when her life changed she had to make some changes as well. While my father was involved in our lives, he was no longer in our home. It changed me and I always wanted to be sure that I wouldn’t have the shift of roles or be so dependent on a man but when we know better we do better. All of that and I am still a single lady that doesn't have a ring on her or a love that is my very own.
Again, I digress...
I have said this before when the question of my "status" comes up. I need a man to be my man and be able assume the role of being a man. If I had a man that was man enough to be my man it would be about him being head of household. Yeah I said it and it is ordained by God (read your good book sometimes). I would love the opportunity to work and not have to be completely responsible for keeping our household. Frankly, I am not all that responsible but I do my best. I had a conversation with a potential husband applicant and he said that if we were to get married I should be happy that all the bills were paid = roof over your head, all utilities paid including cable and internet so I could talk to you all that our home was fully furnished. I was listening to him thinking hell yeah sounds like a plan and where do I sign. Not really but honestly it sounds good to me. He went on to share with me that my shoe habit was not really an issue but I would have to work to maintain habit (in my head that was truly make it a habit) but nonetheless I heard what he was saying. He explained to me that he was a man and if I were his wife it was his duty to provide the necessities of living (i.e. home, car and good love and communication etc.) and return he would hope that I would respect our home by keeping it clean and kept, his desire to work (he drives trucks so he is gone for long periods at a time but he loves his work) and make sure that we maintained our relationship and kept it sexily nasty not necessarily only in the bedroom but you get the point. Hell, I can do that daddy went through my head as I heard my favorite Luther wedding song in my head and imagined this wonderful party because we eloped and decided to have a party after the fact. We just wanted to be married. :)
Seriously, I heard him and truly listened to what he had to say upon the subject. The conversation went more in depth but it's truly known of your business or relevant to this matter. However I did wonder if I truly have the ability to let my man (future husband) be my man in every aspect of the word and if that is why I am single. I would like to believe that I am sincerely ready to let go of my singularly independent ways and become part of partnership. Although, I have been taking care of myself for a long time. I like being able to come and go as I please. I can appreciate that when I am irresponsible it only impacts me for the most part. I like that I do not have children and don’t have to care after anyone but me. I like that I don’t have to communicate my desires to someone or be conscious of how they feel about things and even compromise on life changing situations. All of that sounds good but aren't some of these things contradicting attributes of marriage?
I understand that I must be able to bring something to the table. I have to have something to offer besides that wonderful gift between my legs. I have to be there for him, support him, nourish him, love him, stroke (not only in the sexual sense) but I have to allow my man to be a man. I must respect his place as my man and I as his woman. We all have our roles in relationships and I sometimes see us all not respecting our positions (roles). Again, I say read your good book). Women sometimes get too caught up with being independent that we sometimes feel like we can be a man and cross that line. Then there are men that want to be men but do not want hold the title in its entirety.
Honestly, I can deal with that and I want that. I want a man that is man enough to be my man. A man that has a back bone, good communication, doesn’t mind telling me the truth even when there is a chance that my feelings may get hurt (though Imma need him to find a tactful way of saying it to me). A man that believes that being a man is taking care of his family and being a provider (emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially). It is his role as head of household and it is divine order (God, Man than Woman). However we live in a society where there are not too many two parent households and where a mother sometimes has to do her best to teach a boy to be a man when it is not her role to do so. We live in a society where it is ok for a woman to carry both roles of mother and father where she does as much as possible to provide for her family and bear the burden of possibly not having enough time, money, help, love etc. We live in a society where it is ok for men to make babies and be completely responsible for them (full time or otherwise). Where there are dudes that are boys trying to be men by whatever example they find. It is a cycle that continues and not completely understood. So yeah, that sister considers herself independent and it is idolized which is not a bad thing but she is something else when she not capable of appreciating a good man when he comes her way because she is conditioned to take care of self. She doesn’t know any different. She builds walls and doesn’t allow herself to let a man be a man and may not be able to recognize it at all because she can do it all herself because she is Miss Independent or goes back to her being Miss Independent – Yes there is something about her and no she cannot spend any time. I love Ne-Yo and don’t get me wrong but is there really something about her. All through the song he doesn’t really say anything truly positive or uplifting. However it does sound good and I have nothing against a woman that is her own boss. In fact I embrace it but I am not really referring to a woman being her person. I am more so referring the dynamic of roles in relationships and how we play them.
Let’s be honest for a second even if we agree to disagree, it is cool. No one wants to be alone and we all want to have our own identities. We want to be able to fend for ourselves and take care of ourselves. We want to be all that we can be. I am thankful for the day where a woman can have jobs that were once looked upon as man’s work. I embrace that fact that women as a whole embrace being able to get an education, work for themselves and purchase their own homes. It is wonderful that we live in a country where a woman can run for president. Yes all of these things are wonderful especially when once upon a time women were not able to do so. YAY LADIES!!! It is indeed a blessing and with all of that in mind that we can be liberated/ independent. We can do it all but we are not men. We are women that should conduct ourselves as such. Men and women are different. We not only have different parts but different views. This woman just happens to believe that INDEPENDENCE doesn’t have to define me. Whereas I don’t believe that I need a man to define me I would like to have one that I can say that is evenly yoked. I believe that Jill Scott said best when she “And even though I can do all these things, I need you…” It is so true.
The Fact Is (I Need You) - Jill Scott