Presently, I am watching my mother care for her mother. She is doing the best that she can to hold it all together and some days are a lot better than others. My grandmother has Alzheimer disease and it has just reached a point where it is becoming just too much to handle and bare knowing that this is reality. I am listening to overwhelm and doubt set in accompanied by pain and fear. My grandmother is the matriarch of our family (and my last grandparent). At some point she has helped and taken care of everyone. She has been hope, prayers, shelter, food, laughs, truth and love. Most of all she has always been the strongest person we have all known and now she is weak. Some days she is resistant and other days she is her joyful pleasant self yet those days are falling very far and between. She is sometimes mean and so often confused. It is hard to see a person acknowledge that they are losing their mind. It is hard to deal with the reverting moments. It is hard to try to make them drink water, walk to the bathroom and bathe. It is hard to go to work and do a job most efficiently knowing that all of this is going on at home. It is hard to feel alone and as if you must monitor what to share or simply mask on trying to make the world believe that it is all alright especially when you are breaking inside. Life on hold for the most part and every attempt to steal away for a moment is filled with guilt. It is all a myriad of emotions constantly but still standing.
I am inspired by mother taking care of her mother and still standing regardless of all that she is feeling and going through. I have had the pleasure to be her confidante and listen when she needs to vent or a hug through the phone. I try to be her person. I am constantly trying to remind her of her greatness that is not weakness. It takes a strong person to be a care giver to a loved one. It is a lot all the time especially when you do not know which version of them they are presently. I am inspired by her strength that she believes is nonexistent, her heart that feels already broken and her love that is absolutely endless. I am inspired that even though and through it all she has not gotten hard. She is still somewhat soft and she is still good to so many, even more than they deserve. She inspires me to be a better woman every day.