Saturday, April 24, 2010

he wants to be his wife's husband

I spoke to a friend the other day. He’s a very close man friend that happens to be married. Sometimes he needs to vent and just talk and I like that he feels like he can do that with me. I love that he feels comfortable enough with me to just talk about all sorts of stuff. It’s always cool and rather insightful. It’s amazing what one can learn when they sit back and just listen. My friend is a rather intelligent man that is always open to seeing flaws or fault in a situation and is almost always readily available to compromise or change something to alleviate a possible conflict. It is who he is but in that he needs to have an outlet for his mind. A way to say what he is thinking and confirm that it is valid and understand it from a different perspective. I appreciate these times that we have to talk and often look forward to our conversations so that I can learn something.  It is always helpful to have a male point of view and I trust his. He is a good listener and a good talker which makes our conversations so pleasant. Our conversations seem to be mostly about relationships – all sorts of relationships such as the ones with our friends (past/ current), love/ sexual interest and his marriage along with my desire to be married. In this particular conversation he made one of the most genuine and reflective statements. He said, “I want to be my wife’s husband”.   A very simple yet direct statement that made me think and take a look at self. This statement encouraged me to explore what of man I want and in return what kind of woman I want/ need to be for that man and/ or potential husband.

My past, as well as many others, have had so many expectations which have often tilted more in the favor of what I expect of him. This tends to be less about what he expects of me in the process. I want, I need, I think that, you should, why don’t you… flow from my mouth far too many times without much of a concern of the me for he. Where is my want for me for him? Don’t get me wrong I am not completely selfish but I spend much more of that time trying to live up to what I assume he wants and likes. I pay attention and try to listen to all the little things that make him feel whole. I believe in taking care of my man and knowing what makes him feel good inside and outside of sex. Though VERY important it’s not what builds our foundation. I want him to feel good so he can be the man that he needs/ wants to be for himself as well as for me. However, there have been times when I have lost my focus of him and got too be far into I. I have gotten sidetracked in our endeavor of building a bigger and better us and think of self. Here is my accountability in some of these failed relationships.

In relationships there have to be compromise on both parts and everyone has to be willing to be humble sometimes. That is if we are sincerely trying to be together. I have to be able to hear him and appreciate all that he does and not give him shit about it all the time. I am going to have pick and choose my battles knowing that everything doesn’t have to be something. No, we do not have to argue but we will have agree to disagree on some subjects. I will have to set me aside sometimes to be what he needs and to sometimes meet his expectations of me for us. I need to support him even when I think what I want is more important sometimes. I have to be more willing to compromise and be in tune with what he wants from me. I need to better communicate my desire and listen and reach him at his so that he may be able to have the satisfaction and happiness in our relationship. It cannot always be about me. So, I may need to make some changes for him and not feel resentment in that especially if I am constantly inquiring that he do this or that. I need to better understand my role in our relationship and hold some accountability. I am entitled to feel the way that I feel about situations but I have to better respect that he feel the way that he feels to and he is entitled to that.

A husband is a male participant in a marriage.
The rights and obligations of the husband regarding his spouse and others, and his status in the community and in law, varies between cultures and has varied over time. (wikipedia)

A wife is a female partner in a marriage.
The rights and obligations of the wife regarding her spouse and others, and her status in the community and in law, varies between cultures and has varied over time. The traditional meaning of the term was "woman", which implied her subordination to that of the husband. (wikipedia)

I want my future prospective husband to want to be my husband and all that entails. I want to appreciate the man that he is and respect his ambitions. I want him to know that I am willing to work on us and make some compromises along the way. I want him to know that he is not alone and that we are team. He should not feel that the world is against him and that he cannot find refuge from the storms of life in me. I want my future prospective husband to know that I have his back, his front and that he can feel salvation in my heart no matter what the world may show him. I want him to know that I am willing to give more when I am tired and that our love is worth fighting for when times get tough. And they will get tough. He should know that I am proud of him all the time and that he can tell me any and everything which includes the things that may hurt my feelings (though he better find a tactful way of saying it).I need to be able to respect what he says and work on making it better. Of course easier said than done but that goes along with picking and choosing my battles. I want him to feel open and available to me as I should him – no matter what. We have to be able to say I love you and pray for each other every day and night in spite of any circumstance. We have to understand our roles in each other’s life as husband/wife and be willing to move forward together. In a marriage, the roles of a husband and wife are different and I want my husband to know what my role is in his life and not be afraid to articulate his expectations of me to me. I want to be my husband’s wife just as much as he wants to be my husband.

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate,
but through being the right mate.
~Barnett R. Brickner~

All of this from a conversation with my friend who often apologizes for what he calls rambling or venting. I only hope that he takes something from me as I do. Every time he shares something with me I learn something. I hear something that is profound and makes me want to be better. I learn something that puts me in a better position to be ready for love and possibly a marriage. It’s nice to be able to listen sometimes because you never know what you may learn.

LOVE, Peace and My Freckled Words...


pennanddpaperr . said...



Freckles said...

Oh thanks lady. I appreciate that.

Christina Love said...

Love the blog!!!

Freckles said...

thanks Christina...

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