Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Bittersweet Transparency

In this moment, right now, I am feeling all sorts of stuff and I do not quite know where to begin.  All in my head with so much on my mind and plenty of time to think and even over think. I tend to think this way and that way from every point of view with cause and effect and how it will or can affect.  There is just so much on my mind.  I am feeling love, curiosity and all sorts of doubt.  I am simply feeling.  

I spent so much of my adulthood praying, hoping and loving love and now I have it.  It is such a beautiful place to be and while there is not suppose to be a but there is a but that is so bittersweet.  I have the absolute pleasure of living life with the love of my life.  I get to see him every day and love him, encourage him and kiss him every day.  I try my best to make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him, his love and his care. He is such an amazing person with a beautiful spirit that listens to my heart.  That's the easy part.  After we got married in July, I moved from Los Angeles back to Atlanta to be my husband's wife.  This transition has been rather bittersweet.  While I love and truly adore being with him, I left all that was my normal and even once my reality.  My heart and spirit misses those connections and interactions deeply.  The convenience of those interactions sprinkled with a multitude of smiles, infectious laughs, precious moments of love and just genuine friendship.  These friends have become family along with my immediate family being my mother and my sister.  The family that I chose and have grown accustom to having instant access to at most times to not physically at all have been tougher than I would have or could have imagined. After all this is not the first time that I have moved away or even gone away.  This move was not all of a sudden and was very well planned and known for a long while BUT it is very real.  What I feel is very real and it is painful to tears at points.  I often feel very much alone with only myself to comfort.  I just have to feel it and endure each moment without the physical connection.  My love is genuine and very real.  It is whole and complete without fault and all sorts of faith. I am so grateful and yet I feel so guilty for feeling while I am so blessed with all this love. I am human. A human simply feeling.

so much on my mind...

I truly just hate to see bad things to happen to good people especially those that I love.  The kind of people that simply are just good and nice people that seems to not have a malicious bone in their body.  The kind of people that you just want the absolute best for them just because they are simply awesome.  I can’t stand it.  It makes me wanna holler. I mean truly holler because there is nothing I can do to truly help or be able to take the pain away. Nobody wants to hear I am praying for you or Trust and believe that God will not give you more than you can handle.  Ha.  Because in the moment all you can feel is the shit that you are dealing with and wondering if He blinked.  My only bright side is the faith that I almost tend to question.  How can I an awesome God allow these folks to endure such pain then it is faith of a mustard seed and the logic of through is an action word.  My heart aches and seemingly bleeds for those that I love going through life changing, character building and sometimes devastating experiences.  My heart goes to them and I feel pain, hurt and injustice.  Along with that pain goes into all the matters of the world.  ALL of them that go spoken and unspoken with anger and chaos.  I simply feel.  I feel for my friend and her husband dealing with the legal system, dealing with their family strife and the day to say struggles of being black in America.  I feel for my friend's friend that lost her husband to cancer with two small boys to raise with her tribe.  I feel for my friend that is trying her best to be productive and be the best mother she can be with all that matters of her mind holding her captive.  I feel for the friend that is simply tired of keeping it together for everyone else and that feels as if she has nothing left to give.  I feel for every friend that had lost someone that they love and are left putting the pieces together and simply trying to hold on taking it minute by minute.  I feel for those that are just in the world lost and trying to find their place.  I simply feel... and there is so much on my mind.

So much on my mind...

Along with all this change, I must change and change no matter how much for the better it is, it is hard.  It feels like I am constantly in battle with myself as if I am trying to resist that change that I have always wanted yet I want to remain in the comfort.  Love is easy but marriage is hard.  There is so much trust that goes into this yet it is so rewarding.  I try to be patient with myself and kind to him in the process.  I am very imperfect and my intentions are good (most of the time) yet I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated.  Too many feelings and not enough outlets.  Too many feelings and not enough comfort.  I often wish that I didn't feel so deeply for so many as well as myself.  The desire is real.  I want the most and I am just trying to release and purge some of this.  

so much on my mind...

The world is a very scary place which seems to ironic when there is so much love in that feels as
if it should cure so much.  Race Relations are real and I feel the pain of being a black woman often and try not to give into the frustration of anger.  In my head being the change I would like to see is not enough.  I feel that pain of loving a black man in America and hoping that he comes home every day as well as my sons.  Be respectful and kind yet be black at the same time. hard and I am feeling.  I strive to be a good person that doesn't allow all the matters of the world to make me bitter yet it is hard.  I feel so many things and I am not sure how to voice it without sounding as if it is woe is me.  There just has to be more.  It takes too much energy to be angry and that is energy that I just don't feel like I have to give because I am already consumed.  My emotions have me full and at my limit.  

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