my broken heart

So much life has been happening and I am having a hard time keeping my head and my heart in sync.  There are so many things to be thankful for and I am grateful that I don’t look like all of what is going on within me.  It all feels like a constant struggle to keep up with my happiness and still feel the pain.  My heart hurts and I am tired. 

Death has a way of bringing on so many emotions and while it is bittersweet the bitter tends to linger a while.  Heartbreak is a real thing but I only wish that it was not as strong as I feel that I have given it credit.   It looms over my spirit and I fight so hard to not succumb to it suffrage.  I wish to not be captive to but it has taken up residency.

Heartbreak became very real when my daddy died yet he looked so peaceful.  It was final.  There was nothing to be said of felt again.  I can still feel that moment when it occurred.  It took my breath away and I felt my heart break.  The release was too much as I couldn’t catch my breath.  Every emotion came over me at one time and it was too much.  That cry still scares me to this day.  I do not wish that on anyone.  It just hurts real bad and there is nothing you can do but just feel it.  It absolutely sucks and sucks everything out of you for a period and never goes away.  There comes a point where it is just bearable for a time until it feels up for release.  I miss my daddy every day and it was time to not cry and hurt like that every day.

In January, my grandmother died after a period with Alzheimer.  I watched her change but she was still here.  There were still moments where she was herself all the way to the end.  When I got that phone call, my heart broke again.  I couldn’t believe it.  I thought that I had a little more time and I couldn’t get myself together.  My knees gave out and I was paralyzed with grief. I could feel my heart break piece by piece and there was nothing I could do about it.  This feeling reminded me of losing my daddy which brought a myriad of emotions yet this was centered.  It hurt and continues to hurt and at this point I almost cannot cipher between which break I feel moment to moment.

These two people were my everything.  They were a source of strength, my wise counsel, my spirit builders, truth givers and peace makers.  The world feels very different without them in it.  I can completely feel the lack of their presence especially in my life.  I miss them deeply and as go through this journey I know they gave me some great things to carry with me yet I miss their beings.  That part is still hard to handle from moment to moment.