No Perfection but A Work In Progress

Can I be honest with you a moment? There are some things that I regret from the past. There are some things that I have done that I am not especially proud of and I have to live with those things the rest of my life.  Although it was life changing it was for the betterment of my realationship with myself and God.

Emily Dickinson wrote, "Remorse is cureless, the disease not even God can heal."

'Remorse' arises as a sorrow for past decisions that you've made,

while 'regret' serves as a broader, more useful term,

describing a wish that you'd made other choices in the past:

choices either to avoid doing something that you've done or to do something that you avoided.

At their root, the two emotions are practically synonymous.

They're both cases of feeling sad because of choices that you made once upon a time.

I once believed that but that was in that moment.  There was a time when I didn't love me as much as I love who I thought I needed to be.  I have managed to loose who I am within what I thought I wanted to be.  It was a double life that I got lost in.  I knew lots of people that liked who they thought I was.  I met men that wanted to be with me because who they thought I was.  For those moments I was accepted and not rejected.  It was what kept me going and I needed more and more.  Then it got bigger than me and it stopped giving me that same feeling.  It's like a person that turns to drugs to get that something or escape those demons.  Then it began to change.  I couldnt get that same fire.  I began to feel like it wasnt enough.  I began to slip up.  The people began not to look as good as I thought.  They weren't what I thought just as I wasnt what they thought.  It began to unravel and then it was exposed.  I had taken so much and could stand anymore.  I couldnt keep up and felt drained.  It was a moment of not being able to be outside of myself and not being able to like the person that looked at me in the mirror.  It was my need to validated by things and people.  Validation was my drug and it didnt only hurt people, it hurt me to the core.

Initially it felt best to let go and give up - depart and free the people of my shame, resentment, regret, failure and my inability to love myself.  At that point it was about liking myself.  I had to find a place deep within myself to realize that I was worth so much more than that moment.  It didnt happend over night but it happened.  I invested some of what I had invested in all those other people for all that time into myself.  I took the time to find out who I was and why I felt the need to be someone and/or something else.  I took ownership of what I had done and the people that I hurt but had to figure out how to forgive myself in the process.  My need for validation hurt people and they felt betrayed but really it was never about them.  They got drug into it but it was never about them.  It was only truly about me and my emotions.  My lack of love for self and my not dealing with pain that haunted me in my heart.  It was the mask that kept me from dealing.

This experience is now called a growing pain and God had a wonderful plan for me although I couldnt see it at that time.  He put people in my life that shared his word with me, kept me prayerful and reminded me that I had faith.  He kept people in my life that told me that I was not all that bad and that they liked and loved me regardless.  They reminded me that I was not all of those things that I had convinced myself I was.  This was one situation that at the moment was monumental but realistically was just a wrinkle in time that was public. They prayed for me as I tired to pray for myself.  I began a journey of forgiveness for myself.   He brought me out of that dark place of hate and told me that he forgave me but I needed to forgive myself in order to move forward.  I now know that God delights in our embracing forgiveness, forgetting the past, and going forward in service. We cannot go forward if we remain focused on the past. When we drag guilt about our former lives around with us, we hinder our growth in faith. No matter how great our sin, God forgives when we repent. As we allow the Spirit to work within us, God will help us to let go of the past and move into the future. Seek perfection, but don't be consumed by the search. We are all works in progress.

Paper + Purge = Peace

New Year is among us and time to get rid of some of the clutter. I have been cleaning up, minimizing, downsizing, throwing out and letting go. I have gone through all the bags of old papers –

SIDEBAR: I do not know where all of these papers come from.

There are so many papers and they keep accumulating in such a short period of time.

Gee. Oh, all the papers.

While trying to see what’s going to be available to throw away and shred/burn them when I came across a bunch of old cards, letters and notes some high school but mostly from college (1997-2000). These were thank you cards and letters, birthday cards, over the summer letters, valentines and just because.

It is amazing how much communication has changed and/or evolved over the years. It is just not at all personal. There was a time when I collected special stickers, stencils, stamps and colored markers to decorate my letters and envelopes so that they knew it was from me. I use to love to check the mail and have that special correspondence from friends while we were apart. I even found some old stickers

I sat back and read each and every letter, opened each and every card. I smiled and even teared over all the warm regards (they liked me they really liked me). Not tooting my own horn but there was a common tone in most of my correspondence which was “...don’t ever change...”, “...stay the diva that you are...,” and “...you are truly a good friend...”. I will have to agree - I am a good friend

(poppin my collar).

SELF REFLECTION: As I look back over that time in my life up to now and see who I was then compared to who I am now. The many mistakes, the many accomplishments, the many life changing experiences endured through the years due to the choices made (wrong or right). I see now that I lost the essence of me at some point and did the one thing that many asked me not to do. I changed a bit and didn’t allow myself to see me for who I already was. I felt like I wasn’t enough. I did run across a letter from a friend that I had lost touch with (adunwag) until facebook of course. She stated that she was thankful that I cared when she thought no one did (it was genuine) and she closed the letter with “learn to love yourself entirely and love will come to you.”

AHHH HAA!

(light bulb moment)

IF only I had been able to read that then and truly understood it with the knowledge that I know now. I didn’t and it took for me to make some bad choices and go through some life changing character building experiences to understand what that meant. Damn. I am thankful for that letter from her now, at this very moment – 10 years later. GRATEFULNESS.

I love all of those cards – my 18th birthday when the 3rd floor divas of Crosthwaite gave me a birthday party (thanks ladies) and lots of birthday cards, 19th birthday in Jubilee Hall and My 20th birthday at Riverbend. My 21st birthday with my FISKITES at Fridays when it was on Elliston Place. The friendships made, built, lost, redefined, changed and re-established over the years. The love lost, found and deleted over the years.

Yes, there are some things that I would have done differently and some friendships that I would have fought harder for but if I had, I may not be the woman that I am today (and steadily try to be) with this thankful spirit.

(FB FRIENDS: So, know that you are so appreciated. Each of you have made me be a better person. Each of you have impacted my life in a different way. Each of you, though I may not express it to you singularly but know that I recognize and appreciate. Thank you for the reason and the season).

Well sharing is caring,

Freckles

Christmas: my first without daddy

Woke up (thankfully) and went to the kitchen. I cooked us a breakfast of salmon croquettes, grits, potatoes & onions, fried eggs and honey biscuits. Mmm… good. Comcast was out so we (roommate and I) watched movies all day on the couch. Like every other major holiday the text messages began early and the phone calls were minimal. I just wasn’t in the mood. I tried but it all made me anxious. My chest felt tight. I spoke to my sister and nephew, my grandmothers (love those ladies), my mom and even went to call my dad a few times. I cannot seem to delete his number out of my phone. I kept excusing myself for sporadic breakdowns. KB kept checking in on me all day (she is the greatest friend)

Cry and Pray

Cry and pray

Cry and pray

Stand.

Just another day. My heart was/is full but not with any holiday spirit – sorry. My everything just wasn’t into it. Yeah, it’s only been months but they pain is still heavily there. There is always something that reminds me of him or makes me think about him. I miss him and there are a few things that I want to say to him today. So, I write, cry and pray - take a deep breath and shake it off.

I sometimes get envious of little girls with their daddy’s or hear a friend speak of conversations or moments. There is nothing like that relationship – fathers and daughters. I recall and think of his smile he had when he looked at me. I can feel the safeness of his arms when he hugged me and the love in his voice when we conversed. I remember dancing with him, learning karate from him and him watching me running on the track. He liked to hear me sing his words. I remember him before the incident changed him forever. His laugh, his mile, his heart, his mind – our freckles.

Cry and Pray

Pray and Cry

Cry and Pray

My heart hurts. Still. I hurt – I’m sad and I cannot seem to move past it. I know that it takes time but I lose focus often. It is all situational and I know I am going to be ok. I feel so incomplete sometimes. It’s tough.   I found a card today from my daddy and then I ran across a card that I was supposed to send to him. He never got it and there is nothing that I can do about it. There is guilt there. However this is another day that I have made it through.  It is just one of those days I suppose.  One of the not so good days that makes me just be in reflection.  I am about ready for 2009 to be over.  What about you?

Peace and Blessings,

Freckles.

The Dating Game: Is Chivalry Dead? Part 1

Whatever happen to long walks, good conversation sharing our likes and dislikes, long phone calls of no you hang up first? Whatever happen to coming to my front door, ringing the bell instead of text messaging when he got outside asking me to come out? Whatever happen to a man and woman going for coffee, ice cream, breakfast, lunch or simply dinner and a movie? Whatever happen to actual courtship?

Is Chivalry and Courting Dead?

Chivalry and Chivalrous are used to describe courteous behavior,

especially that of men towards women.

The art of consideration, being courteous, faithful, honorable, devoted or courtly.

I am sure that this may be foreign to some and not as useful to others. It seems that times have changed and we have strayed from old school courting. It is rather ironic that I refer to courtship as being old school within itself but as always it is what it is. I am not sure when the transition of courtship fell by the way side but seemingly it has as a whole. Don’t get me wrong they are not all gone and I am fairly certain that some do participate in this courteous behavior but as a general society it is not as common. I know this because I very rarely meet a man that invites me out for a cup a coffee, a movie or dinner.  I have been invited but there has been a lack of follow through which may be partly my fault to an extent as I have not pushed the issue but that is another post for another time.

Once upon a time I recall guys wanting to go to the beach, the movies or at least Fatburger for a night out.  I was at least be upgraded from McDonalds or Wendys however I love that damn Chikfila. You would laugh and talk and get to know each other. By the end of the date you were fairly certain whether you wanted to make them your boo see them again. There was an outing and it didn’t even cost very much since that seems to be a concern but there was some sort of initial process of compatibility. It was not laying up at the house pretending that we are going to watch a movie. 

I inquired to my friends on FB if people date and if chivalry is dead. Yes it was a large question which had several layers within but they do coincide whether we decide to believe it or not. I have to say that I was rather taken back by the responses that I received and when I heard that so many men know how to be but don’t do unless she is worth it or you have to be really into her. Wow. What qualities make her be worth it and how do you know if you are really into her if there is not any real conversation and/or date?

…Or maybe we can see a movie

Or maybe we can see a play on Saturday (Saturday)

Or maybe we can roll a tree and feel the breeze and listen to a symphony

Or maybe chill and just be, or maybe

Maybe we can take a cruise and listen to the Roots or maybe eat some passion fruit

Or maybe cry to the blues

Or maybe we could just be silent…

I have to say that I believe that a man should pursue a woman although there is not anything wrong with a woman knowing what she wants but a man should be the one to assume the role of pursuer. Don’t get me wrong. I have been known to approach a man and I have been known to be the pursuer initially. However I do allow the roles to reverse afterwards if he is man enough to handle it. Either way, it all starts with an initial attraction. There is generally something about someone that sparks your curiosity. Whether it is their looks, their “swag”, his bald head and shoulders or her freckles (smile). Some are simply a little more in tune with their nose so it could simply be their smell – yeah I said their smell, after all my grandmother always says a woman is suppose to smell good and so should men (matter of fact that Issey Miyake is FIRE and I know it wherever I am – it catches my attention). It is always helpful and can get the pheromones going. A possible introduction and/or potential conversation should follow with a possible exchange of contact information also known as getting the digits (do folks still say that?). We still have these two steps in good use but this is when it gets a little problematic. After we exchange numbers it seems that the initial conversation is lost. I can count on my fingers and toes how many times I have heard someone say “imma call you” and either they don’t or they send a text. It is not the same. Ladies do this too. I understand that technology is so great but what happened to talking on the phone instead on texting. Damnit, call me. Talk to me. So much can be misinterpreted in a text that can be said with your voice and be fully understood. I go by a persons’ word. If you say that you are going to call – call. When you don’t follow through then it is a reflection of your character and you are easily not of your word. (My opinion and yes I have been guilty of this too but again this rant it for another post - stay tuned). A conversation can go a long way and it shows some interest on both parts. It allows you the opportunity to decide if you even want to be bothered with the initial date or investing the time or money on a person. Which leads to setting up the actual date, Yes I said date – that is when two people go away from their homes on an outing so to speak. I know this again may be foreign to some but they are essential. I say that they are essential because they give each the prospect of being on an even playing field and truly see how a person acts and/or reacts. Each is able to share in the experience of being a mutually comfortable and encourage the two to interact with each other.

…Let's take a long walk around the park after dark

Find a spot for us to spark

Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation

Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations

Elevations, maybe we can talk about Psalms in entirety…

All of this sounds good and in a perfect world it would be how it is but unfortunately this is not always how it the process pans out. We don’t always take the time to get to know each other and see if there is possible compatibility. We don't always take the time to be out and about and see how a person is.  We don't have conversations to get to know more than his pipe potential or her cup size.  Saying allof this say that it would be safe to assume that we as  society have lost site of courting.  We are all out of touch with the rules of dating and common courtesy as a whole. Some of us know how to but do not always take the to just do so.  It seems that we have all succumbed to the playing games and pointing the fingers at someone breaking the rules.  We hardly ever take the time to review the rules to the games we play.  The dating game is full of rules and consequences. In any game there are winners and losers. Some of get a head and some of take shortcuts.  It is all about how you position yourself and play the game. It would just be nice to be a bit more gracious and courteous when we decide to play.

Vibe with me.

Color Coded Consciousness

I do not discriminate – well not really but that’s for another blog or post. I love men (period). Especially, Black Men and of course the darker the sweeter. Don’t get me wrong I do not color code my men but I do have a preference but I can appreciate all men.

At this point in my life I have only ever been dates with 3 others (men that were not black). Two white dudes, one who felt the need to remind that I was black and 1 Hispanic dude in high school that may have been blacker than me so to speak. Either way they were all just dates. Simple dates but nothing more. I am one of those women that loves, embraces and can’t get enough of Black Men. I have to say that I would like to believe that I am open to all men but I wonder if I would be lying.

My boy history is all over the place and I have valid reason why I am kind of conflicted if that is the right word which it’s probably not. But anyhoo back to my history…I grew up in a well to do area in Las Vegas where it was rather common for my sister and I to be the only black kids in our play circles. These circles seem to embrace our family and our home was the place of play. I now know as an adult that Daddy Freckles was just not too keen on his kids elsewhere and figured why not they come here. All understood but none of them minded much. Anyhow my first real crush was on best buddy, Jesse Marshall who lived across the street and use to let me play with his car and even taught me how to skateboard. He was the cutes blue eyed boy ever at 7. Then in the 5th grade I was in like with Nate Vanburen, a cute thick haired Jewish boy from New York who climbed trees and rode bikes with me. He was the first boy that grabbed my hand and held it at school. It was sweet and I think it is one of the reasons why I love hand holding until this day and he use to peck me all the time. Then in the 6th grade I had my first tongue kiss with Marshall Singleton. I thought that he was the cutest big lipped chocolate boy which later became a huge turn-on.

Black/White was not an issue for me growing up but then again that is the innocence of children and being able to be mixed environments. Things seem to change a bit when I was in the 7th grade when we moved to Rockford, IL. It was the first time that I was in a predominantly black neighborhood and among people that I didn’t know. It was hard to adjust when there were black kids referring to the way I spoke and that I was mildly different. Not so much different but were raised different geographically. The school was well balanced and mixed for the most part. The girls were not too fond of me and the boys seemed to into my newness. It was the beginning of my strong bonds with males and what I now know as the beginning of being assumed as that girl. However it was the first time I had noticed the color difference. Most of the black boys dated white girls while most of the black girls dated the left over black boys and majorly taking issue with the swirl. It was very rare that one of the black girls would boyfriend a white guy. They seemed to want to keep things as was but even then it was not an immediate issue. High School took me back to Los Angeles where I attended a predominantly black inner city high school with a small but growing Hispanic population. It was very rare to even see white kids so the majority was what it was. I met a guy the summer before but he attended another high school that would later become the encouragement for my first blog post but my first real boyfriend at the Prep was Juan Todd. A tall, cute chocolate basketball player that mother affectionately referred to as Poindexter as her wore glasses. He introduced me to a lot of people and was one of the best boyfriends ever. Again, another wonderful dark brotha but since he I have varied in complexions and there were a couple of Hispanic brothas that have gotten it had they spoken up. I am just saying… But it was rare that I was approached by any others.

However being from California – you see it all mixed and mingled. All ethnicities and cultures swirling round but still wasn’t much of an issue for me until I moved down south to go to the Illustrious Fisk University in Nashville, Tennessee. To be frank for a moment, there is something about going to a black college that makes you see face differently. I noticed and learned things that may have warped my point of view. I would still like to see people for who they are and at this point no one is pure anything realistically. It was before any of us were even a thought so really what the big deal? I do see black men differently than I see white men or any others. I understand that they area view differently by society and it’s a struggle that some others may not thoroughly understand. Even though we living 2009, there are still some that cannot appreciate or respect the choice of race or even complexion. There are moments when it’s not just a black/white/brown issue but it’s a dark vs. light issue which all is the same in the big picture.

All of this to say, that I am not completely for interracial dating but I am not completely against either. I see both sides and if I am truly a woman of God then love is for all but in a perfect world this would be ever so evident. However the world is not this way and we were all given the gift of choice. We make choices and in this there is preference. I prefer a taller, darker man with great teeth and keen sense of style and intelligent conversation but there may be a beige brotha that may be a better fit or even a wonderful white man. Who am I to close myself off to a good man no matter what his color or complexion? Especially if he is truly for me and about enhancing the woman that I am and striving to be. What does it matter? One of my girls my high school said “I used to be opposed except 4 dating Latino's but that was just all I knew. Now I'm like "the world is my oyster" why be pigeon holed. Too many black women get caught up in the trap or the 'black hole' so to speak of only dating black men. Why limit your possibilities? A man is a man! Now a good one, regardless of his color is a blessing. Race is ambiguous anyway—who can say that they are really 100% anything?! I think that class/shared background is more crucial to me nowadays. Although physically (doh!) prefer black men” Which I am totally with and understand and feel completely. Then my other side of me that hear /sees men or women that state that their preference as more of an exclusive. SUCH AS: White women that say they only date black men because of this or Black men that say they only date Asians because of that. They shut themselves off for negative without hesitation not even embracing or acknowledging that all make the same mistakes or can be part of the same stereotype. It then is an issue for me which encourages the great debate. A very good male friend hit on this and called it superficial noting that “I don't really care as long as it’s not based on superficial things... white women feeling no one can get down like a brotha...black men feeling like white women are easier to get along with or they like the way their hair blows in the wind, or wanting to date an Asian woman because their culture grooms them to be more submissive...to me that's just ignorant but it motivates a lot of the interracial mingling that goes on...Like I said I really don't care, but when it’s because of dumb issues like that then I feel it’s more bigoted than it is being diverse.”

I am sure that this is one of those topics that can go on and on with difference of opinion. I asked my facebook friends and it seemed that most didn’t really have a problem but it all kind of seemed rather cliché. Some were honest by stating what they prefer but may be open while a few said that they simply don’t like it. One friend in particular stated “Personally, interracial dating used to really bother me...well it wasn't so much interracial dating but mainly black men dating outside their race. I live in an area where it seems like the black men don't like black women and as a black woman, I find it discouraging. As I have gotten older, I realize that love has no color, and although I would prefer a black man, I would not be completely opposed to men of other races.” and I really appreciated the conversation and it allowed me to be more open and see different points of view to write my article and this post. I still feel conflicted on the subject and can’t really say that I would never but I also cannot say that I am completely open if the opportunity presented itself. I am just wanted to be honest about my background as it related to my color coded consciousness. On a larger scale it’s a bigger platform but I am just woman freckled face woman dealing my thoughts one blog at a time.

PSA #101: SHUT YOUR FACE

dude, shut up - http://www.dude-relax.com/

This is my first of many Public Service Announcements...

Please stay tuned and feel free to provide some additional encouragement

or things that make you go hmmmm....

A friend said that she had come to realize that certain people are stupid cannot help it - an absolutely true statement but I have decided to take it one step further. Certain people and they know who they are and I will do my best to refrain from calling out names but they are on the tip of my tongue are so stupid that they do not know when it too much or when to stop and shut their face. Ugh! I do not understand over promising, or over indulging or simply just speaking on things that do not need to be spoken. You do not have to say that or promise this in a conversation. You do not have to say things because you think that someone wants to hear or you believe that it is the right thing to say. Such as: Imma do this for you or Imma do take care of that - please stop the Imma syndrome. Imma need you to SHUT YOUR FACE!

Secondly, STOP SAYING SHIT THAT YOU DONT MEAN. Gee! It's not too much to ask especially if you were not asked to begin with. Once upon a time it was said that all a person had was their word. A person’s word is suppose to be of value and should not just be words said. So say whatcha mean and mean what you say. If you are not going to do something - don’t say that you are especially if it is not asked of you. If you do not really feel it doesn’t say it. For Example: Imma come see you or I want to be with you or better yet I really like you and let me show you... Just stop it already and SHUT YOUR FACE!

Lastly, my roommate always says that sometimes it’s not necessary to speak. You do not have to go through the politics of saying or explaining yourself. Sometimes there are no real words to express or one keeps going on and on about nothing for nothing with no purpose. SHUT YOUR FACE!

There are men and women out there that are simply full of shit. There are some people out there that are ok with shit and there are even people out there that believe that their shit doesn’t stink. Then there are people out there that just do not have a taste for shit and need the bullshit to stop. So this PSA is dedicated to all of those full of shit people and again you know you who you are but I will practice my tact and not call you out one after another that are only about bullshittin and providing unnecessary shit. Please take a bow because your 15 minutes of fame are up and some of us are tired of your shit so go sit down and SHUT YOUR FACE!!!

I am Freckles and I approve this message.

if you like the art - support a wonderful black artist and purchase from http://www.dude-relax.com/

In Search of Significance

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

I have often wondered where I fit in this world and what my true purpose is. I know it sounds rather presumptuous but it’s honest. I have been thinking and reflecting. I have had some time on my hands. I have often been hindered by my fear of failure. My intelligent being knows that I cannot fail until I try and realistically I am not a failure but I do fear failure but does that really mean that I am scared of success. The reason why I question this is because when successful don’t measure by money or the time that it took to achieve. They measure by their actual accomplishment. They felt the desire to make a move and went forth.

I have so many passions and there are so many things that I can good at doing but pursuing is not necessarily one of strong attributes. I have often gotten frustrated when a friend does not utilize their talents and make it happen for them. I get invested in their dreams and keep them encouraged but somehow I lose focus of my dreams and ambitions. I don’t move forward and don’t actively pursue them as I tell others. Does this make me a hypocrite?

Why is it that I cannot pave my way or move forward in my desires and passions? What is it that holds me back from my personal success? I don’t want to continue being a person that blocks my own success especially when I know that I am fully capable. I am wonderful woman with quite a mouth piece. I have the gift of gab and encouragement of others but at this point I need to encourage myself. It helps to put pen to paper and filter out all of your thoughts. My thoughts sometimes hold me hostage at night and I fall into a dark place but by grace darkness always turns to light. It’s time to move forward and make some moves in life. The most reliable path to success is a simple one that anyone who chooses to do so can follow. Dream big dreams and take small steps, one after another after another until you're there. One step at a time and no waiting on that one big opportunity that may never show.

Did you know that the hermit crab looks for a shell that fits him, and then lives in it until he outgrows it? At that point he has to scurry along the ocean floor and find a bigger one; it's a process that repeats itself throughout his entire life. I have been clinging to something that no longer fits me, just because it's easy and familiar. What worked for me yesterday may not work today. I am now officially ok with that. I am going to step out on faith and pursue something I am passionate about and make it do what it do.

I have you had this feeling? Maybe it's a job you've outgrown, a relationship you need to reexamine or a behavior you need to change. Regardless of what it is, never become so 'settled' that you can't let go and move on when you need to. When God says it's time to move on, it's because there's another shell out there that will fit you even better. But you can't take occupancy until you vacate the old one. So how about it - are you ready for bigger things?

What's your passion?

My Inspiration: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt."

I was recently asked via email where my blog name came from.  I guess I was not truly aware that people were not completely familiar with this famous quote but I guess it  didnt touch you it was irrelevant.  I came across this one day, I was an English major in college, and I fell in love with Dorothy Parker.  She was a woman with a mouth on her and she was a talented writed.  I respect her work and try to be more honest as I write.  She had a way with words and sarcasm. I inspire to be writer in my own life and hope that I can be so witty and honest.

"Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt."

~ Dorothy Parker ~

Gifted satirist Dorothy Rothschild Parker (1893-1967), best remembered for her uncanny wit, was probably kidding... about the freckles. "I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true," she confessed with typical dry humor.  Renowned writer Dorothy Parker was born Dorothy Rothschild in Long Branch, N.J.. Her mother died shortly after her birth, leaving her to be raised by her father and stepmother, both of whom she grew to detest. Her unhappiness at home contributed largely to the literary work she would soon produce.

"There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words."

A homegrown Oscar Wilde with razor-sharp humor, Parker was born to a wealthy Jewish merchant in New Jersey. Nearsighted, she was the one who wrote, "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."  She described herself as "a plain disagreeable child with stringy hair and a yen to write poetry." Hired by Vogue and then Vanity Fair, Parker's published words made her a celebrity and she became passionately active in liberal causes.  After being terminated from these positions due to her acerbic writings, she went to work as an editor for the newly founded New Yorker magazine. There she published poems that comically depicted her own failed romances. As the toast of New York, the versatile Parker wrote articles for The New Yorker for 32 years. She created poetry and Hollywood screenplays.

"I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money," she said.

In 1926, Parker published her first collection of poems entitled Enough Rope, which sold 47,000 copies and was an immediate success. After her divorce from her first husband, Parker was clouded in despair and thoughts of suicide, topics that she freely wrote about.  Parker gave outspoken voice to the time she lived, where women had just earned the vote, journalism was almost exclusively a male occupation, and America's social system was changing to accommodate the equal rights revolution.  "Four be the things I am wiser to know," she said. "Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe." Always bold, stubborn, and radical, she once observed, "Art is a form of catharsis." With deliberate passion, she left her estate to help leader Martin Luther King, Jr.'s cause for civil rights.  Through her suicide attempts, broken marriages, love affairs and heartache, Dorothy Parker captured her pain in her witty poems, short stories, and Hollywood scripts. She died of a heart attack in 1967 at age 73.

INVENTORY

Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I’d been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

~ Dorothy Parker ~

 

I named my blog this because it reigns true in my spirit.  It was play on words and inspiration.  My life is full ove love, curiosity and plenty of doubt.  Not too mention I have these freckles across my face and most of my body.  They are more prominent on my face and they can't be missed. I can not speak for anyone but me but I have had my moment where I felt that I would be better off with any of those.  Well maybe not the freckles.  I hae embraced them.  In fact, I am not me without them and I am not sure if I would be better without them.  They seem to work for me and encourage my individuality.  They keep me inspired and most of all they keep me close to my daddy... RIP Daddy Freckles

 

So here is a bit more insight about me and where the title comes from.  Thanks for asking. 

Now tell me this,  What inspires you?

Crush

At this moment my mind is wandering and I am feeling all sorts of emotions.

One of them I felt the desire to share.  What do you think? 

I love him and he doesn't know.

Well maybe not me but someone feel this way... lol.  I have decided to further the dialogue of him.  Sharing is caring and that is what I do.  I share me and show to be transparent.  We will see how this pans out...

Freckles

out of reach but in sight

Have you ever wanted someone so bad but knew that they were not for you. they are out of touch and unavailable to you. Have you ever watch him or her from a distance and wondered what if? Have you ever wanted to touch them and feel them close to you so bad that the yearning is almost agonizing.  One of those "If" moments... 

How many nights I've laid in bed excited over you

I've closed my eyes and thought of us,

A hundred different ways

I've gotten there so many times

I wonder how 'bout you

Day and night, night and day

All I've got to say is

If I was your girl...

Oh the things I'll do to you

I'd make you call out my name

I'd ask who it belongs to

If I was your woman,

The things I'd do to you

But I'm not, so I can't,

Then I won't

But, if I was your girl

Dear one out reach but in sight b/k/a Mr. Unavailable

It is good to see you but I am sure that it would be even better to feel you.  I look at you and see all the things that could be done in the dark until the light.  I look at your smile and see me putting the smile on your face and even think of the moments when it turns to a frown.  The frown somewhat turns me on because it provides another opportunity to put another smile on your face.  That makes me blush a bit.  I hear you say that you are happy and even hear you say that this is the one.  I have to be honest, I always hope that there is a but.  Don't get me wrong I am glad that you are happy.  What is life without a little happiness along the way but I have to say that I wish it were me.  I see you and wish that was me in that picture instead of.  Hell, I didn't even get the chance.  You could have known what it was like with me.

You talk to me about all sorts of stuff. sometimes sweet, sometimes helpful, sometimes sensitive and sometimes encouraging. We are honest and sincere. We even enjoy the unspoken too.  You see me and you see all of me.  I can sometimes feel you wonder and I wish that you would share the mental escapade.  After all a little talk doesn't really hurt or does it?  Would I be going to far if I asked you do you ever think of me when you are with...dont worry about it.  It will be my fantasy.

If I was your girlfriend

Would u let me dress u

I mean, help u pick out your clothes

Before we go out

Not that youre helpless

But sometimes, sometimes

Those are the things that bein in loves about

If I was your one and only friend

Would u run 2 me if somebody hurt u

Even if that somebody was me?

Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be

Please

If I was your girlfriend

If I was your girlfriend

Would u let me wash your hair

Could I make u breakfast sometime

Or then, could we just hang out, I mean

Could we go 2 a movie and cry together

Cuz 2 me baby that would be so fine

 So, in sight one, I leave you be and admire from afar.  I continue to be the friend from a distance.  I even hold onto the piece of you that will always belong to me in my pocket.  I pull it out from time to time to wish. Someone told me that if you want something you should write it down and hold onto it.  That's my little secret and if I weren't so respectful I would tell you this to your face and show something.  I respect that I am not the one and I respect that you can not be what I want you to be because you belong to another. So, I will hold onto my little secret and cherish each fantasty and await that but.

Exclusively Feeling... Remember

Once upon a time he watched me and wanted me. He looked at every piece of me and noticed when I had freshly arched my eyebrows. That was always sexy to me. It was the little things. The things shared on the long late night conversations, via IM and WEBCAM, through text messages and picture mail. It was all the little things that seemed to turn me on and crave each and every opportunity to hear his voice and know how and what he was feeling. I wanted to know his dreams and passion. He shared. He was open regardless of what happened in his past. He was open to getting to know me and let me know him. He cared about what I thought and what I felt about subjects.  Often anticipating the chance to look into his eyes and see his soul.  Be able to have that conversation face to face - ear to ear and possibly be able to bein his arms as he tells me how it was and how his spiritual was the most powerful worth to his being and how he wanted to share it with me.  Share that and all of him.  The thought of us emerging was special.

There were conversations about what he liked and didn't like.  The place he wanted to be touched and how he liked to licked while being touched there.  The encounters among us and some that were behind us.  The opportunity of pleasure hundled around conversations of passion, pain and ponderings.  Often inquiring if time was realized.  We spoke.  We had conversations. We watched and listened and shared.  He enjoyed my assets and liked this and this and this and this and this.…. and he really liked my that.  I showed him how I liked that too and he watched and paid attention.  He thought of me with his heart and told me that it was never meant to expolit.

He made me blush and give into my sexy. I generally know it’s there but it was on fire whenever he was around. Top of mind and in my heart. It felt good. It felt special and it was passionate without the penetration yet quite orgasmic. I mean have you ever sat back and felt them there when they weren’t. Catch a breeze and then smell them near. The smell of them that makes you tingle and get that special moisture. Have you ever thought about the places, positions and strengths in your weakness with them?  Take a second or maybe even a minute and flashback to that time when it was new, fresh and beautiful.  The time it took to learn them and feel then and sincerely notice their genuine attirubutes.  The thought of something that makes you smile in that private meaningful moment. Smile and reflect, try not to react and remember.

Remembering the time when you had that special someone and then want it all again. It is those times that you want them exclusively. Have you ever had that moment? Do you remember the details? Care to share.

Words, Peace and Blessings,

Freckles

z5a9bhmetd

you have always been yourself

I can not even be mad. You have never been anything but you. You have always been one to say it like it is or say nothing at all. A quiet disposition with a rough exterior. Sexy in a sense but too nonchalant for my preference however I tried any.

fast talk, fast money and fast streets -you fascination but once upon a time you said you wanted more but more of what is the question. never tried to change you or make you be anything that you were not. encouraged you and tried to motivate you to have more.

so this is to you the one that didnt really lie but didnt really tell the truth. wanted to believe in you but you didnt beleive in you but one that I can say is that you were always yourself

and I can not even be mad.

NO LIFETIME PUSSY PASS FOR YOU (repost)

So what I told you that you were the love of my life and so what you are in my top 3 - you decided to walk out of my life and along with your exit was your pussy pass. So what I can recall almost ever unbelievable orgasmic service you provided and I told you were the best. Finally, so what I said that I would always be here. I meant it at the time but then I got tired and ALL of that went out the door. This pussy could have had your name on it whenever, wherever and however forever. Could have should have would have -You could have been but you were not man enough to be in it or have such privileges to stay up in it. I want a man that is man enough to be my man. So, you proved that you were not the man for me or hold onto the pass.

NO MORE PUSSY PASS FOR YOU!

and YES I mean that in the nicest most sincere way possible. It’s a negative for you buddy. I am no longer interested in the opportunity to have any parts of this body touched by you at this time. Your Pussy pass has been revoked. You had your opportunity and you did not man up when it counted. The thought of you no longer moistens my area. So, I am going to share this with you just this once and I hope that we do not have to have this conversation again anytime soon.After all this time that is all that we have - all this time. You didn’t hold the arrangement and it’s not all your fault. One minute you are there and consistent and you want to be there and its all good. Then something doesn’t go your way and you get mad and take a time out. Then you get over it and want back and I let you back in. After all, that dick was good. Then you want more and then you decide you want less. We can’t be this but you don’t want anyone else to hit it. And still I let you be there.

What’s your deal?

All the times of yes, yes and yes but when you get a no you forget all the times that I said yes. You should have known better. You should have realized and recognized. At this moment it is what it is but please do not feel that you have got it like that to come back after all this time. This here belongs to me and does not have you name on it no matter how good you think that you are. Though, I cannot take that from you. Boy, you had a stroke on you... mmmmmhmmmm.... high five to that but there is no more to you than that. You are a good dick. A good rise to the occasion keep my back arched, close my eyes and see the stars around me and know that the river does not run dry. A good thick dick. It is all that you are and that my dear that is not enough... anymore.

There has got to more.

I feel like those men that say that she is nothing more than a piece of good ass when my dick is hard and now I feel the same about you. All you are is good dick when I need to get one off but now I would much rather have B.O.B. There has got to be more to a man for me. Some sort of passion, ambition, motivation or a simple foundation. You cannot love the streets more than yourself forever baby, especially at this adult age.

At what point do you set those childish attributes behind you?When do realize that you can be more than a street thug? Don’t get me wrong - I don’t knock the hustle about you. In fact it is admired but when do you do something legit and keep your hustle as additional?I don’t get it. It’s hard to live straight but it can reap benefits. When do you recognize that you are more than that?

I can’t want more for you than you want for yourself and even though you said you were going to do be, you didn’t. I wanted to believe in you but you didn’t believe in you. I don’t want to stop you from being you but I have stopped being me to satisfy you. You have always been you and I am over you so, please continue being you and know that I am no longer available for any sort of interest. Truth is you were never really good for me and I was never really good for and we just need to remember what we use to do. It was good and it was such a ride.

So, please feel free to pass go, collect $200 and try not to go to jail. I am tired of playing this game and will opt out. One more thing before I go let me remind that your pussy pass is now null and void. All of your services have been declined. It has been revoked and it will not last lifetime.

You are the weakest link - goodbye!

Enjoy Your Piece – An Ode to THAT stupid Woman (Round II)

Hello, may I speak to Barbara Barbara, this is Shirley You might not know who I am But the reason I am calling you is because I was going through my Old man`s pockets this morning And I just happened to find your name and number

So woman to woman I don`t think it`s being anymore than fair To call you and let you know Where I`m coming from

Now Barbara I don`t know how you`re gonna take this But whether you be cool Or come out of a bag on me You see it doesn`t really make any difference

But it`s only fair that I let you know that The man you`re in love with He's mine

Woman to Woman – Shirley Brown

"HELLO BARBARA, THIS IS SHIRLEY I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT THE MAN ... NOW WAIT A MINUTE SHIRLEY I'M A YOUNG WOMAN AND CAN'T AFORD TO ALL THE THINGS YOU DO FOR THIS MAN I DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB AND I CAN'T BUY HIS CLOTHES, PAY HIS CAR NOTES AND I SURELY CAN'T KEEP MONEY IN HIS POCKET BUT I CAN GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS, WHEN HE NEEDS IT AND THAT'S ALL HE EXPECTS FROM ME" I CAN GIVE HIM LOVE FROM HIS WOMAN TO YOU THERE IS A THING OR TWO I'D LIKE TO SAY I DON'T CARE WHO CLAIMS THIS MAN I'M GONNA LOVE HIM IN A WAY ... WOMAN TO WOMAN HE SPENT LAST NIGHT WITH ME STAYED HERE CAUSE THIS IS WHERE HE WANTED TO BE FROM HIS WOMAN TO YOU I'VE GOT TO MAKE IT JUST PLAY AS I CAN SEEMS TO ME YOU'RE DOING TO MUCH FOR THE MAN FROM HIS WOMAN TO YOU THAT YOU BEGGING LOVING IT'S GIVING UP YOURSELF AND I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU I DON'T MIND SHARING IF YOU DON'T BOTHER ME I WON'T BOTHER YOU FROM HIS WOMAN TO YOU Barbara Mason – From His Woman To You

(The Response to Woman to Woman)

There is an epidemic of stupid women that feel the need to show off their piece of man. Oh you think you wanna fight? Bitch please, He isn't man enough for me. I wasn't the one but apparently you are… TAGE YOU'RE IT!

I once was a jealous of folks well let me scratch that – envious of people with seemingly perfect relationships. You see them out all happy and holding hands. They generally smiling and seem to have it together. There are even times when I have seen women with men and men with women and wondered why is he with her or why is she with him. Why? Why? Tell them that it is human nature. (shout out MJ and may he one day RIP) - It's human nature, which it is and I am sure that I am not the only one. I digress à As a single woman, I often thought about why I am single or what is it that I am not doing right. But to be honest, it's somewhat by choice. There are some things that I am not willing to deal with or do without in a relationship. I deserve an entire man not just a piece that I have to pay for. I once told my grandmother that I saw an old boyfriend out with his new girlfriend. They looked happy together and in my hater mode (yeah, I am being honest) I looked at her and she was cute but not as cute as me. My immediate thought was "wow, you want her instead of me huh? " I told my grandmother about what I had seen and joked that he wasn't this and I didn't like that. She in return laughed and then told me not to ever be jealous or envious of someone else's relationship because you don't know what they deal with to be with each other. I didn't understand at the time but as I have gotten older I now realize what she was talking about.

Now looking back at that conversation with my grandmother I am able to look at relationship situations with wiser eyes. I have seen women go through great lengths not to be alone. They go along with whatever and however in order to say "he's my man". As the song above, Shirley called Barbara to say hey I take care of him like he is my kid and not a grown ass man because I love him and Imma need you to back off heffa (truly summarizes but I am sure that you get the point). Then Barbara responds back and says girl, I can't do all that and he doesn't expect any of that from me but I love him and I am not trying to go anywhere but if you look the other way we gonna do what we do and you do what ya'll do and we gonna be cool (again summarized but you get the point). It makes me think – how much were they willing to put up with to have THAT man?

All I could come up with was he musta had a powerful, means, austitatious, perfect, perm sweating, back popping, toe curling, I must stretch before we get started ooooh…. well you were thinking the same thing. He musta because I just don't see going back and forth about a man that is only a PIECE of man to not only me but to you AND you take care of him. WOAH!!! I am all about support, love, encourage, uplift, treat, sex, contribute, caress, kiss, work, care, open, temptation, lust and all the rest of the fabulous adjectives that compile into a "wonderful" relationship but one word that does not fit is shared. I don't have the desire to share a man with any other woman. That is not what we should to be about. Nor do I feel the desire to take care of man that does not respect my care for him or my love. My love is to be valued and not mishandled. On the contrary I can't speak for another. I don't want a piece of man but to each her own.

How is your peace when you recognize that your piece has a side piece? How does it feel when you are no longer the only woman in his life. He dips out and has his fun. He has his girls on the side and relationships that becomes personal and intimate. Extremely intimate and very personal. You saw it all. The secret life of how he was with her. How turned on he was by her and all of your attributes. You went through it all. The pictures, videos and all the emails. Did you check the chat conversations too? I am sure that she could tell you how he likes it but I am sure that you read about it. Their escapades and many rendezvous. He was full into her on your dime. The trips and mini vacations. She was a part of his life and you watched silently for as long as you could. You spoke to her and she told you everything and still you hold on to your piece since she was not willing to settle. You keep him kept and at this point I almost can't be mad at him for saying whatever he said to stay your piece. How long do you participate in this love that is all of your own especially when he needs you more than you need him? He is missing in action doing his thing with someone other than you yet you hold on. It's no longer her but what makes you think that he'll be true to this time or there is not another. Why? Are you scared of being alone or do you feel like MOKENSTEF – he is yours, she may have had him once but you got him all the time? LOL!!! And yes I ask Why?

How much is enough? How much are you willing to sacrifice in order to have the piece of man? Take care of him. Let him live under your roof where you pay the mortgage, lights, water and gas. Let him eat your food that you buy. Take him on vacations that you pay for. This is not a huge deal to me but I do wonder how often do you look the other way? How often do you allow him to use and abuse you? I don't mean physically but emotionally and possibly mentally. This has to be an exhausting process to love someone that does not love you back they way that you want or deserve to be loved.

I say all this to say kudos and accolades to you. As Rihanna once said Take a Bow. This show was so entertaining and now I feel the desire to be sick (in fact I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit). What everyone seems to think looks good and full of black love isn't really all that great. However it looks good and that is quite a performance on your behalf. He is only being himself but you have to be an academy award winning actress to pull this shit off. It's sad that you don't feel your worth but hell you got a man and I don't so who am I to judge you. However I don't have a man or even a piece of man because I am worth more than a piece. But I sarcastically applaud you and all the women that feel the need to have a taste for shit and a piece of man long term. You all deal with deal with whatever in order to have a piece of man but hey they say someone else's trash is someone's treasure.

PEACE OUT - FRECKLES

Just For Today!

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess abouttomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try toovercome all of my problems at once.I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine. JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot. JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought andconcentration. I will not be a mental loafer. JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. Iwill improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybodybut myself. JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully -- if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block. JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

Prayer of Saint Francis:"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

"Where there is injury, pardon;

"Where there is doubt, faith;"Where there is despair, hope;

"Where there is darkness, light;

"Where there is sadness, joy;

"O Divine Master, grant that I may not as much seek tobe consoled as to console;"To be loved as to love."For it is in giving that we are pardoned;"It is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

Amen.