For Your HEAD Service

WARNING: This is a touchy subject and I thought long and hard (no pun intended) about stimulating this conversation amongst adults but I deem it necessary. Again, this is only one interpretation that should offer some assistance and thought to all parties. Some will agree and others will disagree – all are ok and accepted. This is a two sided conversation and is more than the initial attention grabber. Please take into consideration that this conversation is meant for mature adults that can handle all verbiage being used. If you are sensitive to sexual matters, please do not read this post. Thank you.

Shall we proceed?

Speak into the mic, just kiss it or lick it a little bit, puff the pipe – it won’t make you choke, say hello to my lil friend (yes some are smaller than others), blow the whistle, it won’t get hard if you don’t help it out, or simply can I get some head? 

All said while trying to guide head to head. I am sure that there are several ladies that could create a list that would both be ridiculous and ironic.  It is amazing the things that some men come up with in order to get some “head”.  I do not understand some men’s desire or need to ask for some head, penis suckage or fellatio. Now do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a little head.  It is, depending on the situation and/or relationship, essential to a moment.  Let’s all be honest here. We all like to receive it but honestly we don’t all like to give it or give our best. Most importantly there are women that don’t always think that it is the sexiest thing to do. Some like it, love, adore it, can’t stand it and would rather just do it regular.  Generally the point of “hooking up” would be for enjoyment unless he’s selfish, which many are (both sides).  Back to the point.  Head shouldn’t be a negotiation or a bargaining tool.  One shouldn’t feel the need to beg for it or act as if it is life or death without.  Yeah, I said it and some just make it feel that way especially when we all profess to be adult, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I get it, to an extent.  I understand that it feels real good. I understand that it may possibly look very sexy to watch and feel the warmth and wetness along with the softness of her lips along your man muscle. [GO AHEAD, HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE].  The pleasure of laying back, relaxing and not having to take control of the sexual situation.  I get it.  I also understand that it is a part of sex and yes head is to be enjoyed by most but of course when done correctly [STICK A PEN IN THAT WE MAY NEED TO REVISIT THAT ANOTHER TIME]. Both, like less biting and teeth used – we agree. However, question is why must you ask or use some sort of not so sexy verbiage to insinuate your desire?  Why are you ok with asking for head in the first place?

For some oral sex is more intimate than actual intercourse and is a bigger leap of faith. After all it is all right there and it’s your mouth and we both… well, we will just say that it is something to think about if you are a not so  and/or fresh person. We don’t always ask the necessary questions outside of are you disease free. Does she brush her teeth or take care of her mouth – does he use soap and clean down under his balls? And such as. I mean really – we all need to be a bit more selective and more concerned. The world is a very crazy place these days. [JUST A THOUGHT – you cannot suck or lick on every and/or anybody]. Then there is the matter of what am I getting out of the deal especially if we are not a long term situation? Seriously, after you nut, if you get to that point, do you have come back, is that it or will you be returning the favor and do you expect this all the time? I would like to believe that it can be more of the preliminary step, a kind of foreplay, rather than the main event and it’s not always done accordingly but each and every situation is different. Govern yourself accordingly.

Just a few thoughts that run through mind quickly after the initial inquiry but my main point of thought is, why are you even asking? I don’t get that. It seems like if it is going to happen it’s going to happen and it should not be expected but moreso appreciated.  If we are random to each other or not necessarily exclusive what makes it be necessary.  After all if it didn’t automatically happen, what makes you think that you are worth the service? Now, I don’t want to hurt any feelings or even offend anyone but did you consider that this service is given to some and only a privilege to others or that you just don’t meet the desire.  Sometimes it just doesn’t feel right or feel pleasured upon the part of the giver.  A woman will initiate her desires, please believe – have you thought about that? Have you ever sat back and considered the willingness of some and the reluctance of others. Think about it!!!

I have often wondered if the inquiry comes from a selfish a place or is it one of those activities that should be added to my resume under the skill section.  Should a chick be flattered that you thought of her enough to ask her to suck you off or get you started? Should she feel privileged that you say that she is so good that you just want it all the time? Should she think that it is in the best interest of her health and womanhood to proceed or that you may not be attracted and/or interested otherwise? Did you have Wendys or did you have McCormick and Schmitt's? When you ask do you consider that you may be taking the joy or desire from her? Do you even think with your actual head before asking for head?

It’s funny that this seems to be an ongoing debate or even a conversation that is always not agreed upon. It’s one of those touchy subjects that is sometimes felt uncalled for or uncivilized.  Us all being grown has nothing to do with giving or even receiving.  It is the comfort to all parties involved. The real inquiry here is not asking for head but the matter we don’t all think about what we are doing before we do it. DID YOU CATCH THAT?

We do not always take into consideration the reactions to our actions in advance or thought. Like a man once told me pouting, sulking and dropping hints are not good strategies when you don’t get your way. True gratification is mental so please give it some head.

33 and Single

33 & SINGLE

I am one of those women that is not a huge fan of getting the wedding invitations in the mail. damnit another one is generally my first response. It is not really fair to say that I'm not a fan but I do initially have some kind of resentment. Although, I am genuinely happy for the person(s) I can not help but to reflect on myself and as to why its not me. Just being honest. I think my circle of friends are wonderful women. talented. good looking and smart. Of course I believe that they all deserve to be happy and have love. On the other hand, I feel that way about myself as well.

MAYBE... I am not needy enough. I am not dumb/smart enough. I do not put on enough pressure. I prefer not to settle. I am not who I have needed to be for a man. He was not man enough. He wasnt tall enough or dark enough. I wasnt thin enough. He was simply not the one. He didnt love love or I didnt love me enough to love love. He didnt love himself enough or I didnt love me enough.  I am not clingy enough or too clingy. I dont prove that I care enough or respond the way he likes/wants. He is just not that into me or into me that way. I slept with him too soon or made him wait too long. It wasnt the right time for us.  My fantasy world clouded my view.  We lacked compromise. We didnt have the chemistry for long term success.  My issues.  His issues.  He lives too far and the distance was overwhelming.  He doesnt even know my name.  He is in a situation.  He didnt feel as if I was together enough.  My mouth was a turn off and I am/was too aggressive or not aggressive enough.  He didnt want to be the man and lacked backbone. He lied. I lied. We werent honest as to what we expected from each other. I expected too much or not enough.  I want too much.  I wasn't patient enough.  It's not in His plan for me or not right now.  There are all sorts of reasons and/or scenarios.  I just simply don't know.

I guess I haven't found the right one. I meet men all the time and everywhere. I generally like to go with the flow. No pressure and a little pleasure. Take the time to get to know someone and feel them out. Spend some time and learn each other. I don't immediately try to lock him down or keep bringing up committment. I like for it to just happen mutually. Again, No pressure. Lets just enjoy the ride. Lets enjoy some beer, chicken wings and possibly some football. CHILLAX!  I like to take it easy.  I generally need the warm fuzzy feeling.  It's my chemistry feeling that alerts me as to my level of interest.  I am what my bestfriend calls as a different breed of woman.  I know all women typically make this statement and if I a nickel for everytime I heard a woman tell a man that she is different... but really I generally approach a situation with a man without any expectations initially.  I go with the flow and try to follow his lead but I do recognize a dead end when I see one and that guy is generally just right now and not the right one.  However there have been times when I thought my warm fuzzy was boilling over and I exhaled allowing myself to give into him.  I allowed my guard to fall down and let him in and once upon a time but I still try to stay open.

Why are you single? So, when are you going to get married?  

What are you waiting for?  What's wrong with you? 

 

Shit dude, I dont know but in my positivity I say, its just not my turn or I havent been ready for him or he hasnt found me yet or God doesnt think that I am ready just yet.  I once heard someone say that she enjoyed being able to clap her hands when Cameo ask for the SINGLE LADIES CLAP YOUR HANDS - ha!!!

 There are people in my life that tend to question my status on a regular basis. I do not think that they are being mailicious by any means. Some seem somewhat concerned while others seem to just be nosey.  I dont really have answer for the questions but it is genrally a good topic of conversation.  I dont really mind the conversation but I do want folks to know that as much as I want to have a special someone and one day be married that I am not desperate or willing to settle.  I dont feel the need to settle for someone for the sake of saying that I have someone that may not be worth having.  It's serious to me and there are a few deal breakers but I know relationships aren't perfect.  I am not naive to that fact.  I believe that there is someone made especially for me and I hope to be ready for him whenever he comes.  I have some wonderful qualities and some not so stellar attributes that make me human but I am fully capable of having love, being in love and being loved.  I am open to it and I want it.  I want it with the right person.  My very own Mr. Right.  I am 33 with no kids (though I do not think that I am particularly interested in having kids of my own at this point but that is another post for another time or you may read HERE).  I am nurturing and caring.  I get all the way involved when I am interested in a man. I try to be myself all the time within reason. I have been learning to listen more than I speak.  It's important to hear what is said and feel the moment.  Mission is not all the way accomplished yet but it is a work in progress.  I am a woman that has learned to love me more each and every day.  In order for me to have the love that is for me I have to have lots of love for myself which I havent always had but thanks goodness I am not the chick I was in my 20's.  Growth is an awesome attribute and makes me proud of me. 

I am ready and I am trying to be open to allowing love to come my way.  It's kind of tough when your heart has been hurt.  When you have invested your time, energy and heart to be disappointed.  I dont want to seem bitter when those around me that I love deeply marry or have come into a love of their own before me.  I am genuinely happy for them and it continually gives me hope. I believe that one has to be free of all negaitivity to allow positive things to come to them.  It's true that  bitter root will produce bitter fruit.  Hopefully one day it will be my turn not to have to check the single box anymore but for right now  

                                                          I am 33, SINGLE and HAPPY which is all good. 

Wednesday's Words & Lyrics: You Don't Know My Name by Alicia Keys

baby, baby, baby
from the day i saw you
really, really wanted to catch your eye
somethin' special bout' you
i must really like you
'cause not a lot of guys are worth my time

oh baby, baby, baby
it's getting kind of crazy
'cause you are taking over my mind

and it feels like ooh
you don't know my name
i swear, it feels like ooh
you don't know my name
(round and round and round we go, will you ever know)

oh, baby, baby, baby
i see us on our first date
doing everything that makes me smile
when we had our first kiss
it happened on a thursday
ooh it set my soul on fire

ooh baby, baby, baby
i can't wait for the first time
my imagination's running wild

it feels like ooh
you don't know my name
and i swear it baby, it feels like ooh
you don't know my name
(round and round and round we go, will you ever know)

i'm sayin', he don't even know what he's doin' to me
got me feelin' all crazy inside
i'm feelin' like, oh

doing nothing i've ever done, for anyone's attention
take notice of what's in front of me

'cause did i mention (oh)
you bout' to miss a good thing
and you'll never know how good it feels
to have, all my affection
and you'll never get a chance to experience, my lovin' (oh)
'cause my lovin' feels like

ooh
you don't know my name
and i swear it feels like
ooh
you don't my name

will you ever know it?
i'm going to have to go ahead and just call this boy
hello, can i speak to, to michael
oh hey, how ya' doin'?
i feel kinda' silly doin' this, but uh
this is the waitress from the coffee house on 39th and lennox
you know the one with the braids?
yeah
well i see you on wednesday's, all the time
you come on every wednesday on your lunch brake i think
you always order the special, with the hot chocolate
look man i mean, i know girls don't usually do this
but i was wonderin'
if maybe we could get together outside the restaurant one day
you know, 'cause i do look a lot different outside my work clothes
wait a minute, my cell phones breakin' up
can you hear me now?
yeah, so what day did you say?
oh, thursday's perfect

and it feels like ooh
you don't know my name
and i swear on my mother and father it feels like
ooh
ooh
oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
will you ever know?

3 Years... RIP DADDY FRECKLES

I wish you were here to guide me. I would give anything to just hear your voice. There are so many things that I want/need to say. There are still so many things that I wanted to experience with you.  I really just wish that you would come to me and just give a sign that you are there and that you are watching over me.  Today is expecially tough because I would have called granny to talk about you and now yall are together up there and she is not here either.  The only thing that give me peace is that I am a piece of you.  I miss you.  I love you.

Rest In Paradise Daddy.

Wednesday's Words & Lyrics: So High by John Legend

Baby since the day you came into my life
You made me realize that we were born to fly
You showed me everyday new possibilities
You proved my fantasies what love could really be
Let's go to a place where only lovers go
To a spot that we've never known
To the top of a cloud we're floating away

Ooh this feels so crazy, how this love is blazing
Baby we're so high, walking on cloud nine
You got me up so high
So High
My shoes are scraping the sky
So High
You got me up so high
Oh
My shoes are scraping the sky

Maybe later we could go up to the moon
Or sail among the stars before the night is through
And when morning comes we'll see the sun is not so far
And can't get much closer to god then where we are
We'll go to a place where only lovers go
To a spot that we've never known
To the top of the clouds we're floating way

Ooh this feels so crazy, oh this love is blazing
And baby we're so high, walking on cloud nine
You got me up so high
So High
My shoes are scraping the sky
So High
You got me up so high
Oh
My shoes are scraping the sky

Oooh, yeah
Ooooo-ooh oh
Oooh this feels so crazy, how this love is blazing
Baby we're soo high, walking on cloud nine
You got me up so high
You got me up so high
You got me up so high
My shoes are scraping the sky
You got me up so high
You got me up so high
You got me up so high
My shoes are scraping the sky
Ooooh yeeaah
Mmmhaaaah ay
Yeah...

This is how love suppose to be
This is how, this is how love suppose to be
Let's go to the moon baby,oooh
Let's go to the moon baby, yeah
Let's go, go, let's go to the moon baby
So high

Check this version featuring Lauryn Hill - Cloud Nine Remix

Random Relationship Thoughts (Goodbye)

it’s kind of ironic that this time last year i allowed you back into my life after all of that time. it had been over 15 years since our last relationship and over 6 years since the last time i put my eyes on you.  i seeked you initially just to check in and that is probably when i first went wrong yet there are no regrets.  we conversed and caught up.  it was nice. it all seemed to flow easily.  i was gitty yet no expectations.  2011 Easter weekend was beautiful. we were awesome.  you seemed to be sure.  then you said that i was what you wanted. i heard you and felt you and thought that this was the beginning. it now seems that all of what i thought was in my head yet my heart said otherwise. we went hard and we went fast and somehow didn’t stay on the same page.  it was a good ride. i learned some things that have made me stronger, smarter and more aware. i felt some things that i didn’t know to be as powerful, real and deep. i loved. i hurt. i grew. i embraced and now let go. maybe you weren't really meant for me and maybe i wasn’t really meant for you though i did love what we were. here is it is Easter again and we are no longer a “we”. there is you and an i. separate. completely apart. what difference a year makes?

once upon a time he hurt me...

Once upon a time he hurt me, though initially it was not intentional.  It happens when he wasn’t strong enough to pass on the temptation of her.  She wanted him and he was so struck by his own ego that he didn’t pay attention to the set up.  I told him to watch out for her.  He told me that I was acting green though all I saw was red in protection to my love.  He gave into her though of his own choice and they created another.  A life that was not mine to share.  The cheat wasn’t the worst of the hurt.  It was more so that fact that he didn’t heed the warning and mistook it as a jealous girlfriend which I was not.  You see women (though people in general) often disregard the warnings.  I’ve been on the other side of this scenario.  We sometimes want what we want when we want it with no regard to the included parties.  She knew he was not available and she also knew he was into his ego.  She played on that and he allowed himself to be blinded by self centered curiosity.  Just the one time they both concluded but that it was all that it took.  The maximum side of hurt was that he was not man enough to tell me about the result of his discretion which she was all too pleased to share at 16 weeks.  The snide delivery of news made my neck hurt and my face hot.  My blood boiled and fury ran through my veins.  She felt that I needed to know and since he hadn’t spoke of it she believed she to be the one.  He was angry but said we could move forward as if it was much to do about nothing but his baby was not my concern and it was done.  He made a choice which not only changed his life but mine too without so much of a choice for me.  It hurt and he hurt me.  He crumpled my love like the condom package that was supposedly used.  I could not and would not be able to continue with us because it hurt too bad.

Once upon a time he hurt me, though he didn’t see it that way and it wasn’t even his intent.  He had a thing for fast money and street projects that was far greater than his desire to be the man he spoke of being for me.  I never tried to change him but attempted to uplift and encourage him that the streets won’t continue to love him.  He did his best to keep his secular life away from me and when we were together I could feel his potential followed by multiples.  He was good. Damn good.  The love I had for him was blinded by his potential and my blurred point of view kept me satisfied until it didn’t.  His struggles were unfamiliar.  His desires weren’t his ambition.  Constantly investing in so many and never in or for himself.  If only he would but he never did.  There were points of discontent and fear when he didn’t answer his phone or when the phone would ring with an unfamiliar number.  It was not the life I wished but it was my choice to stick around and the judgment behind that decision caused sleepless nights and a supreme yearning for more of my regard and his love.  At the end of the day I couldn’t love him more than he loved himself.  I couldn’t continue to want more for him than he wanted for himself.  He had to decide what he was worth to himself before he continued to fill me with empty promises of letting go.  I could not be the side chick any longer and I couldn’t compete with his hustle.  He chose to do as he had done for so long and I wasn’t worth his ambition.

Once upon a time he hurt me, though he was only thinking of himself to be better for me.  However it hurt nonetheless.  After many years of life lived we were reconnected.  I had no initial expectation but figured at least we could spread wide for old time sake.  We caught up, spoke and decided to rekindle an old flame.  It was hot, sweet, passionate and very honest.  He shared his desires and asked me to be open to the future.  Initially hesitant I gave in and us became we.  We went fast and hard.  He was hard fast and he deeply stroked my mind multiple times in each and every session.  We began to speak of the future and I exhaled believing that God had finally heard my heart blessing me with His Adam to my Eve.  I was in.  He was in.  I began to fall in.  Somewhere he halted. “I love you but I don’t think that I am in love with you.”  Those words left his lips and slowly serenaded my ear before entering and making connection with my brain.  I felt my heart drop before tuning into the rest of the verbiage supporting his initial statement.  There were several concrete details and facts supporting his feelings.  There was no wrong or right.  He was all in his head and was not able to be with me and work on him too.  Though I understood and I knew this circumstance was not due to anything that I had done in particular.  It hurt. It hurt badly.  Those tears came from deep within and the sting of the words spoken caught me off guard though there was no malicious intent.  I felt broken.  How can one be so full of love one moment and then decide to make a decision that impacts us for me with no regard to my heart.  Selfish he admitted but it was how he felt and I respect that to an extent.  We as people are fully entitled to feel as we feel.  I try not to minimize how one feels whether I agree or not.  There was no true comfort. I began to feel all my emotions come to the surface.  I cried. Cried hard exploding heartbreak, hurt, anger mixed with overwhelming frustration.  I cried so hard that breath couldn’t catch up to the tears.  My chest wanted to burst open to free the emotions, yet instead they trickled slowly holding me captive to relive his words over and over in my head.  The thing about being all in my heart and not in my head is that the break is paralyzing.  I don’t want to feel regret especially after I was at a point where I was wide open and feeling completely free to explore all of loves options with him in mind.  I love him and he doesn’t love me enough to fight for us. 

Most great love stories or shall I say fairytales begin with Once upon a time.  Followed by some overcoming circumstance where the conclusion only ends happily ever after.  I would be lying if I said that my love for love doesn’t makes me want to believe in happily ever after.  I still want to believe in fairytales and sometimes it’s hard to feel the joys of love when hurt sneaks in the mix.  I still believe and I have learned that every experience is character building and will bring one step closer to be prepared for the love of my life.  I just have to stay open and one day my once upon at time will have my very own happy ending.

Random Relationship Thought...

 

When I thought about being in love I didn’t know it was going to be you.  I didn’t know it was going to feels so good and hurt so bad.  I didn’t realize that there was a beginning and end.  I thought that love was suppose to be forever and that it was only going to grow.  Sure, I expected there to be some rough times sprinkled in there but I felt that our foundation would allow us to endure any and all tribulations. What I thought and believed doesn’t seem as clear as it once was.  My thought of loving you has changed my perception of what is for me to be in love. Maybe just silly me.

Dear Daddy, I miss you

Dear Daddy,
I often feel alone since you have been gone.  It seems to be a constant conflict.  I cannot replace duplicate create.  There’s so much that I wish that I could change.  I wish that I was there.  I still harvest some of the guilt of not being there.  I just really miss you.  There are so many things that I want to talk to you about and things that I would love to have your feedback on.  Look you in your face and see my reflection in you knowing that there is nothing but love behind our eyes.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would be like to hear your voice.  What it is would be lie to truly listen to your questions in a conversation that make me pull from the inside to solve any of life’s dilemmas.  I would give anything to have a moment with you right now.  Its ironic how much you want something when you know there is no way that it is possible.  I suppose that is just instilled in humans.  Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror staring at your image looking back at me hoping to just hear your voice for a moment.  It’s amazing how much I look like you as I get older.  Often in that moment I wish that it was really you. 

I know it has been 2 years but the pain of heartbreak is still on me.  I am not crying everyday anymore and I accept that you are gone but once Grandma died this overwhelming feeling of hurt has been on me.  I can’t really describe it or really have the words to express it.  It just hurts and sometimes my heart just hurts.  I’m sad.  I miss you.  I miss grandma.  I need to continue to grieve but it just seems to be a bit much for me.  I just feel like it’s one of those times when crying may not be helpful.  Honestly, it all makes me feel kind of crazy that I am still redefining me after all this time.  I suppose you being gone is just not one of those things that you just get over.  I love you and really want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that I am trying to be a better person, better woman.  I want you to know that I am tired, frustrated and often feel very much alone with all my feelings.  I feel like you are the only one that would be able to understand.  I miss you daddy.

I love you,

Your Freckled Daughter

Me, He & She (reblog inspired by My Love by Jill Scott)

Me, He & She

Me + He = We. We were once a good team.  We were sweet, simple and somewhat stimulating.  We crossed paths at a good time.  Our rekindled flame took off fast and was completely unexpected.  There was a level of comfort that seemed instant that lead to everyday.  The “it” factor was absolutely evident.  Our infatuation was wonderfully creative with sweet creaminess of cherry vanilla ice cream.

My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer, didn’t you know this or didn’t you notice

Our connection was deeper than anticipated. We laughed, conversed and made the time without boundaries.  There weren’t too many limits.  He said that he liked that there was no red tape-no bullshit with me, no need to sneak – day/night to midnights with some drunken stupors. You know that drunken alcohol induced sex that was sweat funky and nastily intense. Especially spectacular.  We were good, cool, sexy… Then he changed his mine.  It was his prerogative to no longer want me or to be a “we”.

My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer, didn’t you know this or didn’t you notice

She’s not as simple.  She has baggage.  She is somewhat insecure, though he may have made her that way.  She is not as stimulating so he says.  She is all the things that he claimed not to want, so he says.  She snoops.  She tried to find something and anything when there may or may not be nothing.  She goes through his stuff.  She complains, sometimes petty and mildly confrontational.  He says he is not all the way happy with she but she has been there and has gone through some things.  He and she are still a “we”.  She’s the one that puts up with his shit in order to be a “we”.  The same shit that was not for me.  All the bad with all the good.  He is not always so good to she but she deals to have he.   He and she but then there’s always the thought me.

My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer, didn’t you know this or didn’t you notice

So, in all honesty, there is a diminutive part of me that wants he but more so in the concept of what we had before she.  He always felt real good kind of like crown royal on ice.  It went down smooth and easy.  Mmm, mmm, mmm good with a side of finger licking and ass smacking.  The ideas of me and he make me warm and tingly.  He sure did smell good.  He just runs cross my mind sometimes – how we use to ooooh… yeah and kiss this and this and this and this and this and this and this and that.  We shared climaxes and indulged in a plethora of oohs and aahs to tempos of E sharp (exciting) on a very regular basis.  Damn remembering when we…

She is not me nor does he want me.  No competitions necessary.  He is not for me and the reality is that She has He and He wants to be with She more than the piece of he that desires me.  I like that he sometimes wants a piece of me.  Truth is that He was never really good for me but I often think of how we use to be.

Never allow someone to be your priority when they make you their option.

Random Relationship Thoughts...

If you love me and you want to be with me.  You love me with all my faults… truly believe in what we are developing.  What is the problem with letting me in your heart...fully? 

  Here I am – nakedly me with all my potential. 

Where are you?

Feeling some kind of way but not in a bad way

It is kind of amazing that life goes on around us even when we feel stagnant. It is one of those things about the world circulating and constantly changing and who are we not to go along with change or the flow of life. We spend a lot of time complaining, criticizing, critiquing amongst other things. We spend a lot of time investing in the I can’t instead of the I can.  We have seen so many wonderful things happen and we have been apart of it all.  We each have own personal growth and wonderful blessings in our lives. 

I am missing him right now and it is a blessing to just feel and be thankful in the moment. I cry still but its not complete heartache.

My father passed on Monday, July 6, 2009 after suffering for 15 years. He was a paraplegic with diabetes, kidney failure-disease, high blood pressure and hypertension among other things. He was the love of my life and on that day I lost a piece of myself and my life has changed. My family immediately made plans and tried to set arrangements. We looked at his paperwork and realized that he had not signed or completed most of it so we would have to pay for his burial. My father has 8 brothers and sisters, 2 daughters and mother that were all determined to lay him to rest respectfully by any means. We pooled our resources and made it happen. I used all of my savings to bury my father without a thought of what would be next. I am grateful that I had it and it felt good to be able to contribute. It was worth it and in that moment I felt that I was able to give him a piece of what he had given me. It was a blessing.

At my father’s funeral a childhood friend of his gave his eulogy. He shared several wonderful memories of my father and how encouraged he was by him. He said that my father was one of the reasons that he was a man of God and that the one thing that he respected most about him was that he operated in the “I can’t” unlike most of us and that I was a gift. In that moment I had to reflect on my life and all of the many attributes I have of him. I have his looks, his freckles, his helping heart, his gift of writing and his stubborn pride.

My father was a self made man. He did not spend too much time working for other people and taught himself music and how to work it all for himself. He educated himself and always invested in himself to make sure that we as a family had everything we needed and even some of what we wanted. I saw him work very diligently, study his craft and take the time to listen to people even when he didn’t believe that they knew more than he. He was ambitious, strong sometimes stubborn but always believed in himself. He never took negativity when people would say that you can’t do this or you shouldn’t try that because you can’t do that. He would do whatever it took to prove them wrong by learning the way to do this and taught himself to do that. Then he proceeded to make the negative into a positive by excelling past whatever was said he couldn’t do. He was a talented genius and the most courageous person I have ever known. He operated in his fear and did not allow anyone to know otherwise. This is the attribute that I want to have of him too.

When I came back from burying my father and went back to work I was let go. I was told that I had completed my task before leaving and that the time taken off was unexcused/ unapproved absence. Initially I was angry but in the moment of clarity I accepted my termination. I had just buried my father the week prior and I could get another job but will never have another father. This was a blessing as I have had to deal with my grief. I needed this time off to reflect and find a new balance. I was not truly happy with my job well moreso my boss but she has to live with herself and I cannot invest those emotions. I have loved working in promotional marketing but did not love my job. I have reached a point where my challenge was no longer doing my job but the environment and it didnt fill good making other people lots of money while struggling to keep myself afloat. I am no longer willing to succomb to these I can’t moments. I have already spent too much time considering giving up and dwelling in my inadequate circumstance of unemployment and loss. After all it is not my character. In my quest to find my passion and search for my significance, I must consider what my next move and go along with change.  I haven't found another job and I have been blessed to have some help paying my bills not too mention good family and friends.  I am often frustrated and have slight moments of defeat.  It all makes me feel some kind of way but then I write.

I have been praying for guidance to provide me growth and purpose.  After all change generally promotes growth - right? I say that to say that who am I not to give into life’s changes and be positive in doing so. It is very easy to give up and give into ignorance, anger, sadness as well all the other negative feelings. The world is full of all of that already and it is made easy to indulge however if I am to honor my father I would function in the I can and work a little harder to be positive. Spend some time encouraging and uplifting those around us. It makes me think and redirect.  So yes, I am frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed and even much annoyed but I know where my strength comes from and I am thankful for life. So yeah I am feeling some kind of way but it is not in a bad way.

How are you?

out of reach but in sight

Have you ever wanted someone so bad but knew that they were not for you. they are out of touch and unavailable to you. Have you ever watch him or her from a distance and wondered what if? Have you ever wanted to touch them and feel them close to you so bad that the yearning is almost agonizing.  One of those "If" moments... 

How many nights I've laid in bed excited over you

I've closed my eyes and thought of us,

A hundred different ways

I've gotten there so many times

I wonder how 'bout you

Day and night, night and day

All I've got to say is

If I was your girl...

Oh the things I'll do to you

I'd make you call out my name

I'd ask who it belongs to

If I was your woman,

The things I'd do to you

But I'm not, so I can't,

Then I won't

But, if I was your girl

Dear one out reach but in sight b/k/a Mr. Unavailable

It is good to see you but I am sure that it would be even better to feel you.  I look at you and see all the things that could be done in the dark until the light.  I look at your smile and see me putting the smile on your face and even think of the moments when it turns to a frown.  The frown somewhat turns me on because it provides another opportunity to put another smile on your face.  That makes me blush a bit.  I hear you say that you are happy and even hear you say that this is the one.  I have to be honest, I always hope that there is a but.  Don't get me wrong I am glad that you are happy.  What is life without a little happiness along the way but I have to say that I wish it were me.  I see you and wish that was me in that picture instead of.  Hell, I didn't even get the chance.  You could have known what it was like with me.

You talk to me about all sorts of stuff. sometimes sweet, sometimes helpful, sometimes sensitive and sometimes encouraging. We are honest and sincere. We even enjoy the unspoken too.  You see me and you see all of me.  I can sometimes feel you wonder and I wish that you would share the mental escapade.  After all a little talk doesn't really hurt or does it?  Would I be going to far if I asked you do you ever think of me when you are with...dont worry about it.  It will be my fantasy.

If I was your girlfriend

Would u let me dress u

I mean, help u pick out your clothes

Before we go out

Not that youre helpless

But sometimes, sometimes

Those are the things that bein in loves about

If I was your one and only friend

Would u run 2 me if somebody hurt u

Even if that somebody was me?

Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be

Please

If I was your girlfriend

If I was your girlfriend

Would u let me wash your hair

Could I make u breakfast sometime

Or then, could we just hang out, I mean

Could we go 2 a movie and cry together

Cuz 2 me baby that would be so fine

 So, in sight one, I leave you be and admire from afar.  I continue to be the friend from a distance.  I even hold onto the piece of you that will always belong to me in my pocket.  I pull it out from time to time to wish. Someone told me that if you want something you should write it down and hold onto it.  That's my little secret and if I weren't so respectful I would tell you this to your face and show something.  I respect that I am not the one and I respect that you can not be what I want you to be because you belong to another. So, I will hold onto my little secret and cherish each fantasty and await that but.

Exclusively Feeling... Remember

Once upon a time he watched me and wanted me. He looked at every piece of me and noticed when I had freshly arched my eyebrows. That was always sexy to me. It was the little things. The things shared on the long late night conversations, via IM and WEBCAM, through text messages and picture mail. It was all the little things that seemed to turn me on and crave each and every opportunity to hear his voice and know how and what he was feeling. I wanted to know his dreams and passion. He shared. He was open regardless of what happened in his past. He was open to getting to know me and let me know him. He cared about what I thought and what I felt about subjects.  Often anticipating the chance to look into his eyes and see his soul.  Be able to have that conversation face to face - ear to ear and possibly be able to bein his arms as he tells me how it was and how his spiritual was the most powerful worth to his being and how he wanted to share it with me.  Share that and all of him.  The thought of us emerging was special.

There were conversations about what he liked and didn't like.  The place he wanted to be touched and how he liked to licked while being touched there.  The encounters among us and some that were behind us.  The opportunity of pleasure hundled around conversations of passion, pain and ponderings.  Often inquiring if time was realized.  We spoke.  We had conversations. We watched and listened and shared.  He enjoyed my assets and liked this and this and this and this and this.…. and he really liked my that.  I showed him how I liked that too and he watched and paid attention.  He thought of me with his heart and told me that it was never meant to expolit.

He made me blush and give into my sexy. I generally know it’s there but it was on fire whenever he was around. Top of mind and in my heart. It felt good. It felt special and it was passionate without the penetration yet quite orgasmic. I mean have you ever sat back and felt them there when they weren’t. Catch a breeze and then smell them near. The smell of them that makes you tingle and get that special moisture. Have you ever thought about the places, positions and strengths in your weakness with them?  Take a second or maybe even a minute and flashback to that time when it was new, fresh and beautiful.  The time it took to learn them and feel then and sincerely notice their genuine attirubutes.  The thought of something that makes you smile in that private meaningful moment. Smile and reflect, try not to react and remember.

Remembering the time when you had that special someone and then want it all again. It is those times that you want them exclusively. Have you ever had that moment? Do you remember the details? Care to share.

Words, Peace and Blessings,

Freckles

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