Random Relationship Rant: Thoughts of you

I heard a song today that took me to a place of loving you.  Well when I felt the love from you.  A place where we were on one accord and in sync.  It was a happier time for me when we were an us. We were we and speaking of a long term contract that would hopefully turn into nuptials at some point.  We moved past and lived in the moment not truly coming into a complete now.  We allowed our past to fuel and drive us but maybe I was the closure you needed.  

I often wonder about you and how your life is now.  I guess it is more to your mindset.  Are you happy?  Do you ever think of me?  I have always cared about your well being.  You will always be a special person in my heart no matter the circumstance.  You were a bright light in some dark times. 

I heard a song today that made me think of you.  The song brought me joy.  It made me smile and it made a warm feeling come over me.  In the moment I wanted to call you and tell you all about it.  Share in the same moment and possibly bring a smile to your face.  I wanted to erase the time that has seperated us and just be in that moment.  It was melody of us never sharp and never flat.  the harmony was smooth and sultry and the lyrics were soothing.  It was us.  Then I came back to me as the song ended.  We are no longer and neither was the song playing.  It was just over but I could still hear it in my mind.  It is wonderful to have a memory of when.  I miss it.  all of it. and you.

Freckls' Thought for this day..

Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life;

And it was you. It is never too late to find that person again.
Robert Brault

Freckles' Thought for THIS Day...

There comes a point in your life when you realize: 

Who matters,

Who never did,

Who won't anymore...

And who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,

There’s a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

once upon a time he hurt me...

Once upon a time he hurt me, though initially it was not intentional.  It happens when he wasn’t strong enough to pass on the temptation of her.  She wanted him and he was so struck by his own ego that he didn’t pay attention to the set up.  I told him to watch out for her.  He told me that I was acting green though all I saw was red in protection to my love.  He gave into her though of his own choice and they created another.  A life that was not mine to share.  The cheat wasn’t the worst of the hurt.  It was more so that fact that he didn’t heed the warning and mistook it as a jealous girlfriend which I was not.  You see women (though people in general) often disregard the warnings.  I’ve been on the other side of this scenario.  We sometimes want what we want when we want it with no regard to the included parties.  She knew he was not available and she also knew he was into his ego.  She played on that and he allowed himself to be blinded by self centered curiosity.  Just the one time they both concluded but that it was all that it took.  The maximum side of hurt was that he was not man enough to tell me about the result of his discretion which she was all too pleased to share at 16 weeks.  The snide delivery of news made my neck hurt and my face hot.  My blood boiled and fury ran through my veins.  She felt that I needed to know and since he hadn’t spoke of it she believed she to be the one.  He was angry but said we could move forward as if it was much to do about nothing but his baby was not my concern and it was done.  He made a choice which not only changed his life but mine too without so much of a choice for me.  It hurt and he hurt me.  He crumpled my love like the condom package that was supposedly used.  I could not and would not be able to continue with us because it hurt too bad.

Once upon a time he hurt me, though he didn’t see it that way and it wasn’t even his intent.  He had a thing for fast money and street projects that was far greater than his desire to be the man he spoke of being for me.  I never tried to change him but attempted to uplift and encourage him that the streets won’t continue to love him.  He did his best to keep his secular life away from me and when we were together I could feel his potential followed by multiples.  He was good. Damn good.  The love I had for him was blinded by his potential and my blurred point of view kept me satisfied until it didn’t.  His struggles were unfamiliar.  His desires weren’t his ambition.  Constantly investing in so many and never in or for himself.  If only he would but he never did.  There were points of discontent and fear when he didn’t answer his phone or when the phone would ring with an unfamiliar number.  It was not the life I wished but it was my choice to stick around and the judgment behind that decision caused sleepless nights and a supreme yearning for more of my regard and his love.  At the end of the day I couldn’t love him more than he loved himself.  I couldn’t continue to want more for him than he wanted for himself.  He had to decide what he was worth to himself before he continued to fill me with empty promises of letting go.  I could not be the side chick any longer and I couldn’t compete with his hustle.  He chose to do as he had done for so long and I wasn’t worth his ambition.

Once upon a time he hurt me, though he was only thinking of himself to be better for me.  However it hurt nonetheless.  After many years of life lived we were reconnected.  I had no initial expectation but figured at least we could spread wide for old time sake.  We caught up, spoke and decided to rekindle an old flame.  It was hot, sweet, passionate and very honest.  He shared his desires and asked me to be open to the future.  Initially hesitant I gave in and us became we.  We went fast and hard.  He was hard fast and he deeply stroked my mind multiple times in each and every session.  We began to speak of the future and I exhaled believing that God had finally heard my heart blessing me with His Adam to my Eve.  I was in.  He was in.  I began to fall in.  Somewhere he halted. “I love you but I don’t think that I am in love with you.”  Those words left his lips and slowly serenaded my ear before entering and making connection with my brain.  I felt my heart drop before tuning into the rest of the verbiage supporting his initial statement.  There were several concrete details and facts supporting his feelings.  There was no wrong or right.  He was all in his head and was not able to be with me and work on him too.  Though I understood and I knew this circumstance was not due to anything that I had done in particular.  It hurt. It hurt badly.  Those tears came from deep within and the sting of the words spoken caught me off guard though there was no malicious intent.  I felt broken.  How can one be so full of love one moment and then decide to make a decision that impacts us for me with no regard to my heart.  Selfish he admitted but it was how he felt and I respect that to an extent.  We as people are fully entitled to feel as we feel.  I try not to minimize how one feels whether I agree or not.  There was no true comfort. I began to feel all my emotions come to the surface.  I cried. Cried hard exploding heartbreak, hurt, anger mixed with overwhelming frustration.  I cried so hard that breath couldn’t catch up to the tears.  My chest wanted to burst open to free the emotions, yet instead they trickled slowly holding me captive to relive his words over and over in my head.  The thing about being all in my heart and not in my head is that the break is paralyzing.  I don’t want to feel regret especially after I was at a point where I was wide open and feeling completely free to explore all of loves options with him in mind.  I love him and he doesn’t love me enough to fight for us. 

Most great love stories or shall I say fairytales begin with Once upon a time.  Followed by some overcoming circumstance where the conclusion only ends happily ever after.  I would be lying if I said that my love for love doesn’t makes me want to believe in happily ever after.  I still want to believe in fairytales and sometimes it’s hard to feel the joys of love when hurt sneaks in the mix.  I still believe and I have learned that every experience is character building and will bring one step closer to be prepared for the love of my life.  I just have to stay open and one day my once upon at time will have my very own happy ending.