THIS or THAT

The possible potential of happiness looms right in front of his face, often in his thoughts and is sometimes heard from lips once kissed on a regular basis.  From lips to ears his desire slips from the history had and all those great times caressing limbs of what use to be.   He continues to be conflicted by THIS.  THIS potential is easy, relaxed and simple.  There are no real complications or any unnecessary drama.  THIS is more than a perception with more than just potential yet it goes unrecognized due to the comfort of THAT.  THIS is not just a fantasy or about change attempts or even just comfort.   THIS is full of possibilities but his fear of THIS opportunity lingers overhead invading his motives but why not choose to be happy with THIS comfort?

 He can get with THIS, or he can get with THAT.

He should get with THIS, for THIS is where it's at

THIS is not in the habit of comparing about THIS vs THAT especially when there is not much for comparison.  THIS is more than history.  THIS is about the chemistry THIS is more than a notion.  THIS can’t be dreamed up or imagined.  THIS is go with the flow, fun and familiar.  The familiar is theoretical.  THIS is what’s known yet there’s always a surprise with an unexpected dose of multiple joys.  After all, THIS is always full of surprises.  THIS is all about him and making him better while keeping his aspirations in mind and THAT is not ‘bout THIS life.  THIS embodies his dreams, desires and is destined to be great for him and with him.  THIS wants the best for him and constantly encourages him.  THIS likes who he was, is and will be as growth is inevitable regardless of THAT.  There’s always choice.

He can get with THIS, or he can get with THAT.

He should get with THIS, for THIS is where it's at

Seeing THIS and looking at THAT.  THIS and THAT are not of the same breed.  They are not the same kind of woman but there is something about THAT which keeps him involved.  He seems to like/love THAT but there is still something about THIS keeping his interest.   If he wants THAT, he should not keep wanting THIS yet there is always choice.  One chooses who they spend their time.  Time should never be wasted.  THIS understands and knows him in a way of function, interaction and emotion.  He is not the kind to always speak upon matters yet THIS knows how to deal.  THIS understands all of his pleasure points while knowing and acknowledging his disposition.  THIS wants to feed his cravings, nurture his gratification while fulfilling him to satisfaction.  THAT can never keep up with THIS activity, however THAT is his choice.

He can get with THIS, or he can get with THAT.

He should get with THIS, for THIS is where it's at

It is often wondered why not THIS vs THAT but then again why.  It is a wonder to have all the questions with no answers.  Especially since He was once in tune with THIS chemistry and enjoyed all THIS had to offer yet THAT is what he continues to claim.   Regardless of THIS ridiculous chemistry this always just feels real good.  It just seems to be simple in theory.  While being comfortable is an accomplishment to some THAT is not always what makes one happy.  

Is you happy?

Confessions, Enlightment and Simple Truth

Recently I had the opportunity to deal with my love/lover/relationship baggage.  I am fairly opposed to referring to it as baggage but it is the tidbit of feeling that seems to have been holding my relationship mojo captive in my present love life expectancies or potentials.  It is the kind of surreal baggage that isn’t known to exist until it comes across the country and sits on your couch looking you in the face.  This kind of baggage is deeply mind blowing leaving me breathless and speechless at the same damn time.  Yet is the baggage that is still wanted and desired to be willing. Heavily deeper than expected, however it was sort of necessary and to be quite frank… It felt real good, even if it was just for the moment.  The moment was especially treasured.  This opportunistic moment spanned in the measurement of 4 days or equivalent to a long weekend.  The opportunity to listen and hear the reflection of the same situations per a different point of view is priceless. I am truly thankful for growth.  The grown woman that I am now is able to listen and truly comprehend while that grown girl that I was would just be like “I hear you”.

SIDEBAR: One of the most wonderful things about people are that we all have a point of view and given any given situation my view point may not be the same as another, however neither one has to be wrong or even right.  It is all in the interpretation and though it can be agreed upon that the situation happened, the way that it happened, both were impacted differently allowing both to feel differently. [INSERT DEEP REFLECTION HERE]

I am a single woman.  I am a single woman that is 35 (almost 36) years old.  I am a single woman that is 35 (almost 36) years old single in a big city full of men in every aspect of the word.  At this point I am not for the bullshit nor am I for the games, though nobody can play and/or run game like this woman right here [POINTS TO SELF] but luckily I attempt to use my super powers for good and not evil.  I am in a place in my life that I am comfortable in my own skin, for the most part.  I am aware of my strengths and weakness as well able to celebrate my fabs and flaws.  I know me.  All of me which includes the not so attractive and unpleasant that still exist and consist of me.  I choose not to share them but do know that I am aware. I am single black woman.  While this fact may not mean much to some, it is my reality.  I am a single black woman that in theory wants to be open to all but have a special love and appreciation for brothas.  I am single woman that is aware and while there are options, I prefer not to be the aggressor or the seeker.  Not only am I single, but I would go as far as to say that I am EXTREMELY SINGLE.  Drastic right?  Kind of but it is not as bad as it seems.  I promise it is not.

THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS… [INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE] I am the kind of single that has some life experiences under my belt and some of those experiences have had experiences.  I have dated and dated and what we like to refer to as dating [INSERT SIDE EYE HERE].  I have seen and felt potential and even almost settled for potential.  I have loved, liked, lusted and even sexed.  I have known right away when he wasn’t, would never be and wondered why I even gave him my number.  I have one night stands that turned into months of what are we doing and I am not ready.  I have experienced that why won’t you love yourself enough to love me the way I deserve to be loved.  That also concluded in a Once Upon a Time… I thought that young infatuation was worth the time but it is now thought of as time wasted trying to hope that he wanted all the things that he stated out of life.  However it was another learned character building experience.  I have dumbed myself down, dealt with PRIDE and EGO, been better to than received, wanted more and not given, been all when it didn’t matter and sat back when there was a she thinking my milkshake was better, felt alone whenever he was around, been excited for nothing, been in the way, wanted more while settling for less, allowed myself to be used and abused, mistreated and unappreciated yet I have had my toes curled, mind fucked, booty caressed and ego stroked, been needed wanted and appreciated.  I have pleased, happy and sad.  I have cried and celebrated. I have needed and wanted closure… [STICK A PIN IN THAT WE MAY REVISIT THAT ANOTHER TIME]

Then there was that one guy that had so much potential and he goals and ambition but lacked drive and got very complacent but his potential.  But that “thang” made me forget all his lack thereof and yes he was around a lot longer than he should have been but for real that “thang”… (smh).  The things he could and would do with his… [INSERT OOOHHH HERE] that made me just want to [INSERT AHHH HERE]. Just being honest.

There was even one who belonged to another.  I was kept and went home to another every night.  He referred to himself as my “special friend” and I agreed.  It always sounds better than it feels in the end.  I have been that and it was an experience.  Sometimes IF one is honest about what they need, they get what they want. THAT STATEMENT JUST WENT OVER SOMEONE’S HEAD.

I thought he was it and I moved and shaked and changed to accommodate.  I chose. I wanted him more than he really wanted to be wanted but at this point in my life I now know it was the NEED that was missing.  It wasn’t just his disconnect; it was that he needed me more than I needed him.  I needed him for all the wrong reasons.  I also was able to see that he wasn’t sure of his absolute desires, needs and/or how to recognize.  It is said that a man knows when she is the one but his timing isn’t always right when he meets her.  I could not be good to me and wait for his time and I wasn’t that woman I needed to be for him.  Thankful for discernment.

There was that one fella that was suppose to but never did. [INSERT PISSED OFF IN MY FEELINGS GLARE HERE] Yeah he doesn’t really deserve a shout out but for real dude…  who you are makes me want to spit on thee.  I chose to listen to you and give into your bullshit packaged in an empty blue box.  I chose and I lost.  I accept my part in that and I own it. I even thank you. Fucking with you allowed me to see something in me that I hadn’t paid attention and/or acknowledged before you and your lies and your pretend trust and pretend loyalty with all the lust. Yeah I did that and I chose.

I digress.

There were several instances and times that I felt needed and or wanted but always still incomplete because it just an experience for preparation.  Even my last actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship was with a man that I dated in high school.  We tried and our potential was possible however we weren’t on the same page at the same time.  His baggage actually outweighed mine but in my reflection my baggage may have tipped the scales a bit more than I gave credit at the time.  I did believe him to be the end all be all at the time and the love that I felt for him made me want to do things that I hadn’t considered in a long time.  I really wanted us to be we but more than he.  That relationship has been over for 3 ½ years and it took a bit to get over and move all the way past it with all the hurt.  All of these bring back to the baggage that came for closure yet spoke of maybe shoulda, woulda couldas but now all seems to be closure.  The brighter side of closure is that once it is dealt with it brings ENLIGHTMENT.

ENLIGHTMENT MOMENT:  I am single and I am ok with that for now but I am now officially in a place of ready.  I am ready to truly love completely and thoroughly.  I am ready to be patient and kind with my pride aside to be able to honor.  I am ready to be a participant, partner and have the privilege of allowing him to love me in spite of me and all of me.  I am ready for be able to just be, coexist and live this life … together. I don’t have a list.  I don’t have any major obtainable.  I do have a deserve level which needs to be increased.  Those 4 days of moment brought me to this point of confirmation.  I am ready.  I am more ready right now than I have ever been. I am ready for long term.  I am ready and the goal is to be more than sex. 

TO BE CONTINUED…

Random Relationship Rant - To Him...

I assumed that we were better than that and I of all people were worth more than from you after all of this time.  I assumed that we had both grown up and matured.  we had lived from life which brought us to the point of wanting to be in each others presence again after all this time.  I thought we were becoming the friends that we weren't before of course while we were kids.  

I thought. I hoped. I believed.

I listened to you and even gave into the fantasy of you.  Not because I held some vengeful vendetta against you but because the woman that I am now would be awesome to you.  You were so many of my first and I thought and hoped and believed.  

I enjoyed our conversations and the possibilities.  Then you got distant and you changed.  You didn't say anything.  you flaked. you picked a fight with me. you sabotaged. I thought that we were better than that.  We were suppose to be better than that after all this time.  You could have said anything to me. You should have just said it was a game or that it went too far. I expected you to keep it real with me after all this time, I expected you to be better to me this time. I hoped that we would have had a real moment together.  I expected and was disappointed.

It is like not having any closure... again.  I can wish but now I just want you to know how i feel. you do whatever you do with it or not. 

just know that I wish nothing but the best for you and there will always be a part of me that will love you.  

Random Relationship Rant: I won't continue to be your sometimes...

I won’t continue to be you’re sometimes.  It’s not fair to me and I am choosing to be better to me.

Sometimes I call and sometimes you answer.  Sometimes I text and sometimes you reply.  Sometimes I leave a message and sometimes you call back.  Sometimes I hear the words flow effortlessly from your lips however time and time again your actions scream over.  Sometimes I just want to be near you and just want us to be.  Sometimes I ask and ask and it’s always another time.  Sometimes you need your dick wet and sometimes you feel that I am the cure. The other times who knows?  Sometimes I feel like I am begging for your attention and it’s met with an excuse.  After all we all make time for the things that we want to make time for.  Sometimes I wonder if you really but yeah that is just a sometimes.  Sometimes you say you are doing all this chasing yet I am the one that is you’re sometimes.  Sometimes you feel like me.  In those times we are the most beautiful.  You tend to say endless amounts of sweet nothing leaving me hanging up in each and every word. Sometimes I can feel myself smiling nonstop replaying our moments in full color.  Beautiful moments.  Sometimes in those moments I believe that I am not just…

Sometimes you are in ‘emotions and/or thoughts reflecting upon what use to be.  I m guilty of playing along and continuing into your sometimes.  Sometimes she is not serving you the way you like.  Sometimes she isn’t as ambitious as you’re hoped.  Sometimes she is just being and you want more and in those times I become your sometimes beginning with a remember when.  Sometimes you have the power to make me feel as if I could be but then again sometimes is always temporary.

There was a time that I thought it was cute but now it’s old.  I’m tired of sometimes.  I am too old and too good to sometimes worth it to you.  There is never a deposit made and now there are insufficient funds for any sort of withdrawal.  Nothing to show for all this time and I won’t continue to just be your sometimes.

EXamples of He – Not for Me

PART 2

EX 2:  My love for you was bottomless and is years and years and years long with no real purpose or desire but it was passionate and it was full of fireworks and it penetrates me deep to climax each and every time. Thank goodness but at the end of the day there is no true release and even after I cum my love is still with me and I am still alone trying to maintain what I hope we will be or what we have in my fantasy world but now this is reality and the this love hurts and it is one sided and I can’t carry the burden for the both of us. It’s not fair and it’s not enough.  So now as you go and give up on us, know that once you leave, you cannot come back, I am closed and there will be no more.  This is your decision and I need you say good bye and let me go so that we can conclude this novel.  All of the chapters have been written and the preface did not have enough detail.  This story must come to an end with no happy ending.  The curtain must fall and I will watch you exit stage left.  I cry and reflect on the fact that there is not wrong or any right, no fault, no good or bad involved.  We are just two hearts on different beats to different tunes no longer playing together in harmony.  I sit here purging.  Letting go of all the things of my heart for you and the love is still there but this is confirmation that it has never been enough.  You have to love love before you can love me but you need to love yourself before that.  I love you but it’s not enough and I know that but through it all it doesn’t make me stop loving you. Love loving you and being in love with the thought of you loving me back, the way that I need you too-unconditional and unquestioned and uncompromising.  Loving you has not always been easy and there is times when it beautiful.  I love how you look when you are feeling my love and we are making love and you are just being my lover - Over and over and over. But again, it’s not enough and it’s ok.  I am ok and in fact I am thankful for the opportunity to love and hope that one day it will love me back in a way that does not hurt.  One day it will be my turn but now that I am letting you go maybe it will find me.

~LOVE, Curiosity and My Freckled Words...~

EXamples of He – Not for Me

PART 1

EX 1:  I held you, your thoughts, your feelings, your ambition, your lust and your passion close along with your lack of drive, all of your pride and that sad excuse for love that you had for me.  We went day by day after all those years.  I gave all that I could to you and for you.  I embrace your dreams and your hope and tried to do all I could to uplift you, encourage you and keep you focused on our future.  I am so busy loving and caring and trying to be all for you that I lose track of my own happiness and what I needed.  How long must I set myself aside and possibly miss out on someone that may be for me for the fact that I love you more than it seems that you love yourself. Rhetorical.  Day after day I loved you regardless of you being mine to love.  I love you regardless of what it has cost.  I tried to love you enough to compensate for this world that is so cruel and seems too unfair to you so you said.  I loved until it hurt when I don’t know if you are ok because you are not answering the phone when I called.  Not knowing where you were, if something had happened or if your karma has caught up with you.  I love you until it hurts from worry and tears that wet my pillow where I lay scared that something has happened to you or wondering how I can help you. My tears have filled and now my cup runneth over.  It’s time for a release but I can’t seem to let go.  I love you and it hurts so badly when once upon a time it was so good and it gave me multiples. When fucking you made me feel close and safe and that it was us sharing our love with each other.  Now I can’t seem to release.  Release all the emotions, thoughts feelings that hold me hostage to the possibilities of who I thought you were.  I can’t let go and it hurts so bad. I loved you so much that prayed for you almost more than I prayed for myself as if my salvation was enough for the both of us.  All of this and for what?  I cannot seem to get a return on my investment and now I can’t seem to let go but now I'm leaving.  It hurts as bad as I feel the words of Ms. Hill and it coincides with Jill’s slowly surely. Slowly surely. Slowly surely.  I walk away.  If only you believed in you as I believe in you and you would see yourself worth as I see that loving you has always been worth it even though you have never been mine to love.  I try to love you enough for the both us but it turns out that it is never really enough. Woe is me and I can stand this shit and all I really want you to do is man up but again I love you as you are full of flaws and with too much love for them same streets that keep me up at night worried about you and knowing that you may not even be thinking about me.  How long do I compromise my heart and my happiness for love that only truly exist in my heart alone and leaves me empty all by myself?  The kind of love I do not deserve but hold onto because it’s apart of you and I settled to have a piece of you with no true purpose.  Then one day it all just clicked.  I grew into me and recognized my own worth. 

~LOVE, Curiosity and My Freckled Words...~

Random Relationship Rant: Thoughts of you

I heard a song today that took me to a place of loving you.  Well when I felt the love from you.  A place where we were on one accord and in sync.  It was a happier time for me when we were an us. We were we and speaking of a long term contract that would hopefully turn into nuptials at some point.  We moved past and lived in the moment not truly coming into a complete now.  We allowed our past to fuel and drive us but maybe I was the closure you needed.  

I often wonder about you and how your life is now.  I guess it is more to your mindset.  Are you happy?  Do you ever think of me?  I have always cared about your well being.  You will always be a special person in my heart no matter the circumstance.  You were a bright light in some dark times. 

I heard a song today that made me think of you.  The song brought me joy.  It made me smile and it made a warm feeling come over me.  In the moment I wanted to call you and tell you all about it.  Share in the same moment and possibly bring a smile to your face.  I wanted to erase the time that has seperated us and just be in that moment.  It was melody of us never sharp and never flat.  the harmony was smooth and sultry and the lyrics were soothing.  It was us.  Then I came back to me as the song ended.  We are no longer and neither was the song playing.  It was just over but I could still hear it in my mind.  It is wonderful to have a memory of when.  I miss it.  all of it. and you.

I still WANT...

I want to be his friend, his lover and his confidant. I want him to feel as if he can talk to me about anything and everything. I want to him to know that sometimes there are no words needed and we can just be silent without it being a problem.  I want to there for him, encourage him and pray for him maybe even more than I pray for myself. I want to see the God in him as he in me.

 

I want a selfless kind of love. I want the kind of love that is worth fighting for. I want the kind that requires immediate and constant attention. I want the kind that makes you wanna disagree so that we can come to agree. I want the kind of love that is hard but doesn’t hurt. I want the kind of love that is full of passion and some pain. I want the kind that weathers the storm and keeps us focused.

I want love.  I want patience.  I want devotion.  I want passion and romance.  I want peace.  I want friendship.  I want kindness.  I want backbone.  I want communication.  I want good eye contact.  I want growth.  I want anticipation.  I want spontaneity.  I want fire and desire.  I want pleasure.  I want emotional, physical and mental penetration.  I want satisfaction.  I want compatibility and accountability.  I want respect and fidelity.  I want humor. I want sympathy/empathy and concern.  I want to be supported and taken care of.  I want balance.  I want to be wanted.  I want good, enjoyable and consistent sex often.   I want monogamy.  I want it all and it doesn't have to be in that order with even a little more.

I want to spend my life with him.  I want to be able to smell him when he’s not around and reach him when he is close. I want to wake up next to him and smile.  I want to be the one. I want to be the only.  I want to be the last thing on his mind.  I want to go to sleep in his arms almost every night.  I want to be able to feel his eyes on me from a distance.  I want to hug him as often as possible.  I want to kiss him. I want to be able to have moments where I touch him there and there and here and there and oh yes, right there.   I want us to cherish our time apart just so we can come together or even cum together.  I want it to feel like the first time each and every time or at least every 3rd, 4th or 5th time.   

I want to have the ability to miss him when he is away. Have the ability to grow when we are together. I want to be on the same page but be able to turn the page – together. I want to be able to set aside my issues and imperfections so there is enough room for him in my heart.  I want be able to understand him when the weight of the world is on his shoulders.  I want him to know that I am there to share some of the load.  I want him to know that he is never alone and that I will always be there as long as he allows me to be.  I want him to allow me to be.

I want to be able to complete his sentences.  I want to be his period, exclamation point and even his comma.  I want us to be poetry in motion. I want us to be more than a beautiful haiku, romantic sonnet or a smooth ballad. I want us to be the combined words that create something wonderful.

I want to be the melody in his tune and the inspiration of his art while being the motivation of his desires. I want him to know that I am in his corner (his front and his back).  I want to know that he knows that I am his #1 fan, his supporter and his encourager. I want to be the one that made him comfortable enough to stop being an I and want to be a “we”.

I want to continue to be patient until we cross paths. I want to continue working on being everything that he will need me to be for we.  I want to be the woman that God has intended me to be.  I want to know the moment when he realizes that I am his one.  I want to be his chosen one.  I want him to be confident in his choice.  I want him to be able to hear God when he says, I created her for you. 

I want to be able to wait for all that I want.  I want to be content with my expectations of want. I want to continue to learn more of what I want.  I want to not mind wanting...

Damn, this is a helluva want.

RELATIONSHIPS: Look Within

Looking WithinWe are each born with a limitless capacity for pleasure and enjoyment...

Sondra Ray

Relationships do not just happen.  No matter how we meet our mate or who makes the introduction, we create all the relationships we experience.  We each have the capacity to bring ourselves the exact relationship we want.  Unfortunately, most of us are not willing to do the work.  We must begin the work by looking at the "self" and getting clear about how it feels.  We cannot expect to attract a loving, generous mate if we are angry and withholding.  We must stop blaming the past for our condition now.  Wherever we are, what we have or don't have is no one's fault but our own.  If by chance someone else made a contribution to the mess we were creating, forgive them the mess and move on.  Finally, we must give thanks for all we have been; all we have had; all we are becoming.  When we take the limits, restrictions and fears off our hearts, our cup of love will run over.

Today's Mantra:  I will look at me before I look for LOVE. 

BE BLESSED TODAY AND HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK!!!

Day 25: RANDOM RELATIONSHIP INSPIRATION (I am THANKFUL for RELATIONSHIPS)

Looking Within
I am THANKFUL that ...
We are each born with a limitless capacity for pleasure and enjoyment...

Sondra Ray

 

Relationships do not just happen.  No matter how we meet our mate or who makes the introduction, we create all the relationships we experience.  We each have the capacity to bring ourselves the exact relationship we want.  Unfortunately, most of us are not willing to do the work.  We must begin the work by looking at the "self" and getting clear about how it feels.  We cannot expect to attract a loving, generous mate if we are angry and withholding.  We must stop blaming the past for our condition now.  Wherever we are, what we have or don't have is no one's fault but our own.  If by chance someone else made a contribution to the mess we were creating, forgive them the mess and move on.  Finally, we must give thanks for all we have been; all we have had; all we are becoming.  When we take the limits, restrictions and fears off our hearts, our cup of love will run over.

Today's Mantra:  I will look at me before I look for love. 

 

BE BLESSED TODAY AND HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK!!!

Random Relationship Thought by Bob Marley

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
~Bob Marley~

Random Relationship Reflection...

Single folks need to stay out of the business of married folks business.  Married folks dont need to advise single folks on being single just as the single advising the married how to be married.  It is easy for a single person to find or see flaws in a relationship that doesnt belong to them.  Some single people continually find fault and unsolicitly advise some married people as to what they believe that they should do in their marriage.  Married folks need to stay out of the business of marriend folks too. 

Relationships arent always fantastical.  They take work - a lot of dedication.  There will be rough times, need for compromise, possibly some agree to disagree.  This is within any relationship.  It is easy for one to tell other something that they need to do to better their situation with not much regard to what makes them qualified to do so. Just my thought.

 

 

Random Relationship Reflection: Happy Birthday Old Love

I thought about you all day.

On this day - your birthday. I couldn’t decide whether or not I should contact you especially after our last conversation which didn’t go as I had envisioned. I am still not quite sure if I am suppose to feel some kind of way about it but either way it was what I wanted, to hear your voice. I guess this is how this is suppose to be.

I never really knew what it meant to let go of you and for you to let go of me since once upon a time there was so much love in my heart for you which hasn’t completely left me. I couldn't comprehend at the time how it was going to feel or how much I was going to miss you.

To this day you have not ever really been too far from my thoughts and I always hope the best of God's blessings for you. I continue to pray for you, your heart and your dreams. I want nothing but the best for you in life.

I am continually thankful that I was blessed to experience us and had it been another time it may have been more successful. I learned so much about myself due to you and for that I am so thankful. I hope that today was good for you.

Happy Birthday Old Love.