Monday, August 31, 2015

Confessions, Enlightment and Simple Truth

Recently I had the opportunity to deal with my love/lover/relationship baggage.  I am fairly opposed to referring to it as baggage but it is the tidbit of feeling that seems to have been holding my relationship mojo captive in my present love life expectancies or potentials.  It is the kind of surreal baggage that isn’t known to exist until it comes across the country and sits on your couch looking you in the face.  This kind of baggage is deeply mind blowing leaving me breathless and speechless at the same damn time.  Yet is the baggage that is still wanted and desired to be willing. Heavily deeper than expected, however it was sort of necessary and to be quite frank… It felt real good, even if it was just for the moment.  The moment was especially treasured.  This opportunistic moment spanned in the measurement of 4 days or equivalent to a long weekend.  The opportunity to listen and hear the reflection of the same situations per a different point of view is priceless. I am truly thankful for growth.  The grown woman that I am now is able to listen and truly comprehend while that grown girl that I was would just be like “I hear you”.

SIDEBAR: One of the most wonderful things about people are that we all have a point of view and given any given situation my view point may not be the same as another, however neither one has to be wrong or even right.  It is all in the interpretation and though it can be agreed upon that the situation happened, the way that it happened, both were impacted differently allowing both to feel differently. [INSERT DEEP REFLECTION HERE]

I am a single woman.  I am a single woman that is 35 (almost 36) years old.  I am a single woman that is 35 (almost 36) years old single in a big city full of men in every aspect of the word.  At this point I am not for the bullshit nor am I for the games, though nobody can play and/or run game like this woman right here [POINTS TO SELF] but luckily I attempt to use my super powers for good and not evil.  I am in a place in my life that I am comfortable in my own skin, for the most part.  I am aware of my strengths and weakness as well able to celebrate my fabs and flaws.  I know me.  All of me which includes the not so attractive and unpleasant that still exist and consist of me.  I choose not to share them but do know that I am aware. I am single black woman.  While this fact may not mean much to some, it is my reality.  I am a single black woman that in theory wants to be open to all but have a special love and appreciation for brothas.  I am single woman that is aware and while there are options, I prefer not to be the aggressor or the seeker.  Not only am I single, but I would go as far as to say that I am EXTREMELY SINGLE.  Drastic right?  Kind of but it is not as bad as it seems.  I promise it is not.

THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS… [INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE] I am the kind of single that has some life experiences under my belt and some of those experiences have had experiences.  I have dated and dated and what we like to refer to as dating [INSERT SIDE EYE HERE].  I have seen and felt potential and even almost settled for potential.  I have loved, liked, lusted and even sexed.  I have known right away when he wasn’t, would never be and wondered why I even gave him my number.  I have one night stands that turned into months of what are we doing and I am not ready.  I have experienced that why won’t you love yourself enough to love me the way I deserve to be loved.  That also concluded in a Once Upon a Time… I thought that young infatuation was worth the time but it is now thought of as time wasted trying to hope that he wanted all the things that he stated out of life.  However it was another learned character building experience.  I have dumbed myself down, dealt with PRIDE and EGO, been better to than received, wanted more and not given, been all when it didn’t matter and sat back when there was a she thinking my milkshake was better, felt alone whenever he was around, been excited for nothing, been in the way, wanted more while settling for less, allowed myself to be used and abused, mistreated and unappreciated yet I have had my toes curled, mind fucked, booty caressed and ego stroked, been needed wanted and appreciated.  I have pleased, happy and sad.  I have cried and celebrated. I have needed and wanted closure… [STICK A PIN IN THAT WE MAY REVISIT THAT ANOTHER TIME]

Then there was that one guy that had so much potential and he goals and ambition but lacked drive and got very complacent but his potential.  But that “thang” made me forget all his lack thereof and yes he was around a lot longer than he should have been but for real that “thang”… (smh).  The things he could and would do with his… [INSERT OOOHHH HERE] that made me just want to [INSERT AHHH HERE]. Just being honest.
There was even one who belonged to another.  I was kept and went home to another every night.  He referred to himself as my “special friend” and I agreed.  It always sounds better than it feels in the end.  I have been that and it was an experience.  Sometimes IF one is honest about what they need, they get what they want. THAT STATEMENT JUST WENT OVER SOMEONE’S HEAD.

I thought he was it and I moved and shaked and changed to accommodate.  I chose. I wanted him more than he really wanted to be wanted but at this point in my life I now know it was the NEED that was missing.  It wasn’t just his disconnect; it was that he needed me more than I needed him.  I needed him for all the wrong reasons.  I also was able to see that he wasn’t sure of his absolute desires, needs and/or how to recognize.  It is said that a man knows when she is the one but his timing isn’t always right when he meets her.  I could not be good to me and wait for his time and I wasn’t that woman I needed to be for him.  Thankful for discernment.

There was that one fella that was suppose to but never did. [INSERT PISSED OFF IN MY FEELINGS GLARE HERE] Yeah he doesn’t really deserve a shout out but for real dude…  who you are makes me want to spit on thee.  I chose to listen to you and give into your bullshit packaged in an empty blue box.  I chose and I lost.  I accept my part in that and I own it. I even thank you. Fucking with you allowed me to see something in me that I hadn’t paid attention and/or acknowledged before you and your lies and your pretend trust and pretend loyalty with all the lust. Yeah I did that and I chose.
I digress.

There were several instances and times that I felt needed and or wanted but always still incomplete because it just an experience for preparation.  Even my last actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship was with a man that I dated in high school.  We tried and our potential was possible however we weren’t on the same page at the same time.  His baggage actually outweighed mine but in my reflection my baggage may have tipped the scales a bit more than I gave credit at the time.  I did believe him to be the end all be all at the time and the love that I felt for him made me want to do things that I hadn’t considered in a long time.  I really wanted us to be we but more than he.  That relationship has been over for 3 ½ years and it took a bit to get over and move all the way past it with all the hurt.  All of these bring back to the baggage that came for closure yet spoke of maybe shoulda, woulda couldas but now all seems to be closure.  The brighter side of closure is that once it is dealt with it brings ENLIGHTMENT.

ENLIGHTMENT MOMENT:  I am single and I am ok with that for now but I am now officially in a place of ready.  I am ready to truly love completely and thoroughly.  I am ready to be patient and kind with my pride aside to be able to honor.  I am ready to be a participant, partner and have the privilege of allowing him to love me in spite of me and all of me.  I am ready for be able to just be, coexist and live this life … together. I don’t have a list.  I don’t have any major obtainable.  I do have a deserve level which needs to be increased.  Those 4 days of moment brought me to this point of confirmation.  I am ready.  I am more ready right now than I have ever been. I am ready for long term.  I am ready and the goal is to be more than sex. 


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