Friday, October 19, 2012

33 and Single


I am one of those women that is not a huge fan of getting the wedding invitations in the mail. damnit another one is generally my first response. It is not really fair to say that I'm not a fan but I do initially have some kind of resentment. Although, I am genuinely happy for the person(s) I can not help but to reflect on myself and as to why its not me. Just being honest. I think my circle of friends are wonderful women. talented. good looking and smart. Of course I believe that they all deserve to be happy and have love. On the other hand, I feel that way about myself as well.
MAYBE... I am not needy enough. I am not dumb/smart enough. I do not put on enough pressure. I prefer not to settle. I am not who I have needed to be for a man. He was not man enough. He wasnt tall enough or dark enough. I wasnt thin enough. He was simply not the one. He didnt love love or I didnt love me enough to love love. He didnt love himself enough or I didnt love me enough.  I am not clingy enough or too clingy. I dont prove that I care enough or respond the way he likes/wants. He is just not that into me or into me that way. I slept with him too soon or made him wait too long. It wasnt the right time for us.  My fantasy world clouded my view.  We lacked compromise. We didnt have the chemistry for long term success.  My issues.  His issues.  He lives too far and the distance was overwhelming.  He doesnt even know my name.  He is in a situation.  He didnt feel as if I was together enough.  My mouth was a turn off and I am/was too aggressive or not aggressive enough.  He didnt want to be the man and lacked backbone. He lied. I lied. We werent honest as to what we expected from each other. I expected too much or not enough.  I want too much.  I wasn't patient enough.  It's not in His plan for me or not right now.  There are all sorts of reasons and/or scenarios.  I just simply don't know.

I guess I haven't found the right one. I meet men all the time and everywhere. I generally like to go with the flow. No pressure and a little pleasure. Take the time to get to know someone and feel them out. Spend some time and learn each other. I don't immediately try to lock him down or keep bringing up committment. I like for it to just happen mutually. Again, No pressure. Lets just enjoy the ride. Lets enjoy some beer, chicken wings and possibly some football. CHILLAX!  I like to take it easy.  I generally need the warm fuzzy feeling.  It's my chemistry feeling that alerts me as to my level of interest.  I am what my bestfriend calls as a different breed of woman.  I know all women typically make this statement and if I a nickel for everytime I heard a woman tell a man that she is different... but really I generally approach a situation with a man without any expectations initially.  I go with the flow and try to follow his lead but I do recognize a dead end when I see one and that guy is generally just right now and not the right one.  However there have been times when I thought my warm fuzzy was boilling over and I exhaled allowing myself to give into him.  I allowed my guard to fall down and let him in and once upon a time but I still try to stay open.
Why are you single? So, when are you going to get married?  
What are you waiting for?  What's wrong with you? 
Shit dude, I dont know but in my positivity I say, its just not my turn or I havent been ready for him or he hasnt found me yet or God doesnt think that I am ready just yet.  I once heard someone say that she enjoyed being able to clap her hands when Cameo ask for the SINGLE LADIES CLAP YOUR HANDS - ha!!!
 There are people in my life that tend to question my status on a regular basis. I do not think that they are being mailicious by any means. Some seem somewhat concerned while others seem to just be nosey.  I dont really have answer for the questions but it is genrally a good topic of conversation.  I dont really mind the conversation but I do want folks to know that as much as I want to have a special someone and one day be married that I am not desperate or willing to settle.  I dont feel the need to settle for someone for the sake of saying that I have someone that may not be worth having.  It's serious to me and there are a few deal breakers but I know relationships aren't perfect.  I am not naive to that fact.  I believe that there is someone made especially for me and I hope to be ready for him whenever he comes.  I have some wonderful qualities and some not so stellar attributes that make me human but I am fully capable of having love, being in love and being loved.  I am open to it and I want it.  I want it with the right person.  My very own Mr. Right.  I am 33 with no kids (though I do not think that I am particularly interested in having kids of my own at this point but that is another post for another time or you may read HERE).  I am nurturing and caring.  I get all the way involved when I am interested in a man. I try to be myself all the time within reason. I have been learning to listen more than I speak.  It's important to hear what is said and feel the moment.  Mission is not all the way accomplished yet but it is a work in progress.  I am a woman that has learned to love me more each and every day.  In order for me to have the love that is for me I have to have lots of love for myself which I havent always had but thanks goodness I am not the chick I was in my 20's.  Growth is an awesome attribute and makes me proud of me. 
I am ready and I am trying to be open to allowing love to come my way.  It's kind of tough when your heart has been hurt.  When you have invested your time, energy and heart to be disappointed.  I dont want to seem bitter when those around me that I love deeply marry or have come into a love of their own before me.  I am genuinely happy for them and it continually gives me hope. I believe that one has to be free of all negaitivity to allow positive things to come to them.  It's true that  bitter root will produce bitter fruit.  Hopefully one day it will be my turn not to have to check the single box anymore but for right now  
                                                          I am 33, SINGLE and HAPPY which is all good. 


tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

Nice post & congrats on being happy, I'm officially single only on the outside. My heart is still taken and miserable. It's funny because I've been avoiding posting a similar post but on the opposite side of single & happy. I've stopped myself over 20 times because I don't want to be so negative in my feelings.

Freckles said...

HOnestly, It is a day by day thing. Some days are better than others. Like right now, I wish that I had someone to be with, lay up watch some sportscenter and... but I am at home in my bed with my laptop on a saturday night. smh.
oh my honee... officially single - what haps? I have a few other post that are following this same post with some different points of view. Its good to write what you feel as a way of freeing your mind. you are hardly negative so you are allotted a vent.

Reggie said...

My 48 year old sister married for the first time last year. She used to tell me all the time that she wasn't lonely, she was just alone.

1manview said...

I like Reggie sister thinking... Plus then new survey said that most single woman are getting marring at age 35 these days. So you are in that group. You stated you were home alone with your computer. What's worst is I know someone who is married, and they are in the bedroom alone on their computer while their partner is in another room doing what ever. i think I would rather be single then living like that. Nothing is worst then being married and still alone... Now about that green grass next door...

Freckles said...

I am sometimes a little lonely but I think that it is more the companionship than really lonely. There is still hope for me yet.

Freckles said...

I am kind of ok with the single status as of right now but there is a conflict when the folks inquire of to why.

I guess you are right. that is kind of sad to be in a relationship alone - defeats the purpose. Thanks for the perspective.

BareFoot Countessa said...

LMAO I agree with and love your view point on this subject matter. I think it's nice and perfectly ok to be single.......I was once upon a time married great life experience but as it goes shit happens and I find myself single again. I must admit now am 37 I feel more self aware compared to when I got hitched in my mid 20's. I think you have the right formula one step at a time "no pressure and little pleasure" you got a nice flow going.

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