33 and Single

33 & SINGLE

I am one of those women that is not a huge fan of getting the wedding invitations in the mail. damnit another one is generally my first response. It is not really fair to say that I'm not a fan but I do initially have some kind of resentment. Although, I am genuinely happy for the person(s) I can not help but to reflect on myself and as to why its not me. Just being honest. I think my circle of friends are wonderful women. talented. good looking and smart. Of course I believe that they all deserve to be happy and have love. On the other hand, I feel that way about myself as well.

MAYBE... I am not needy enough. I am not dumb/smart enough. I do not put on enough pressure. I prefer not to settle. I am not who I have needed to be for a man. He was not man enough. He wasnt tall enough or dark enough. I wasnt thin enough. He was simply not the one. He didnt love love or I didnt love me enough to love love. He didnt love himself enough or I didnt love me enough.  I am not clingy enough or too clingy. I dont prove that I care enough or respond the way he likes/wants. He is just not that into me or into me that way. I slept with him too soon or made him wait too long. It wasnt the right time for us.  My fantasy world clouded my view.  We lacked compromise. We didnt have the chemistry for long term success.  My issues.  His issues.  He lives too far and the distance was overwhelming.  He doesnt even know my name.  He is in a situation.  He didnt feel as if I was together enough.  My mouth was a turn off and I am/was too aggressive or not aggressive enough.  He didnt want to be the man and lacked backbone. He lied. I lied. We werent honest as to what we expected from each other. I expected too much or not enough.  I want too much.  I wasn't patient enough.  It's not in His plan for me or not right now.  There are all sorts of reasons and/or scenarios.  I just simply don't know.

I guess I haven't found the right one. I meet men all the time and everywhere. I generally like to go with the flow. No pressure and a little pleasure. Take the time to get to know someone and feel them out. Spend some time and learn each other. I don't immediately try to lock him down or keep bringing up committment. I like for it to just happen mutually. Again, No pressure. Lets just enjoy the ride. Lets enjoy some beer, chicken wings and possibly some football. CHILLAX!  I like to take it easy.  I generally need the warm fuzzy feeling.  It's my chemistry feeling that alerts me as to my level of interest.  I am what my bestfriend calls as a different breed of woman.  I know all women typically make this statement and if I a nickel for everytime I heard a woman tell a man that she is different... but really I generally approach a situation with a man without any expectations initially.  I go with the flow and try to follow his lead but I do recognize a dead end when I see one and that guy is generally just right now and not the right one.  However there have been times when I thought my warm fuzzy was boilling over and I exhaled allowing myself to give into him.  I allowed my guard to fall down and let him in and once upon a time but I still try to stay open.

Why are you single? So, when are you going to get married?  

What are you waiting for?  What's wrong with you? 

 

Shit dude, I dont know but in my positivity I say, its just not my turn or I havent been ready for him or he hasnt found me yet or God doesnt think that I am ready just yet.  I once heard someone say that she enjoyed being able to clap her hands when Cameo ask for the SINGLE LADIES CLAP YOUR HANDS - ha!!!

 There are people in my life that tend to question my status on a regular basis. I do not think that they are being mailicious by any means. Some seem somewhat concerned while others seem to just be nosey.  I dont really have answer for the questions but it is genrally a good topic of conversation.  I dont really mind the conversation but I do want folks to know that as much as I want to have a special someone and one day be married that I am not desperate or willing to settle.  I dont feel the need to settle for someone for the sake of saying that I have someone that may not be worth having.  It's serious to me and there are a few deal breakers but I know relationships aren't perfect.  I am not naive to that fact.  I believe that there is someone made especially for me and I hope to be ready for him whenever he comes.  I have some wonderful qualities and some not so stellar attributes that make me human but I am fully capable of having love, being in love and being loved.  I am open to it and I want it.  I want it with the right person.  My very own Mr. Right.  I am 33 with no kids (though I do not think that I am particularly interested in having kids of my own at this point but that is another post for another time or you may read HERE).  I am nurturing and caring.  I get all the way involved when I am interested in a man. I try to be myself all the time within reason. I have been learning to listen more than I speak.  It's important to hear what is said and feel the moment.  Mission is not all the way accomplished yet but it is a work in progress.  I am a woman that has learned to love me more each and every day.  In order for me to have the love that is for me I have to have lots of love for myself which I havent always had but thanks goodness I am not the chick I was in my 20's.  Growth is an awesome attribute and makes me proud of me. 

I am ready and I am trying to be open to allowing love to come my way.  It's kind of tough when your heart has been hurt.  When you have invested your time, energy and heart to be disappointed.  I dont want to seem bitter when those around me that I love deeply marry or have come into a love of their own before me.  I am genuinely happy for them and it continually gives me hope. I believe that one has to be free of all negaitivity to allow positive things to come to them.  It's true that  bitter root will produce bitter fruit.  Hopefully one day it will be my turn not to have to check the single box anymore but for right now  

                                                          I am 33, SINGLE and HAPPY which is all good. 

I want to kiss him...

 

I want to kiss him and feel his breath so close to my face that I can feel his spirit.  Feel his lips against mine with excitement coming across us together in our kiss.  The fervor that keep us motivated to learn our delight.  Our kiss is more than powerful and not a game.  It’s just us lip to lip, close, interlocked and neither able to get enough of the luscious taste. 

Kissing him makes me feel the need to be close to him in an intimate way.  Be able to breathe him in and breathe out all doubt.  In that same breath it is our escape of all the worries of the world.  It is just he and I and me and he. Together in a kiss of passion and pain to sorrow and joy – experiencing an overabundance of emotions.  Just he and I experiencing each other in a kiss. 

I want to kiss him gently until he feels my heart beat his name in unison with my thoughts.  Thinking of all the conversation yet to be had and already anticipating our next kiss.  Within a moment there is only two. two arms to touch two hearts holding two souls that caress two lips in one kiss followed by another then another then another. It all feels so good and oh so right. It is safe, secure, uncomplicated, uncompromising.  It’s just a kiss. 

Kissing him makes me feel he joined with me equaling us in plethora of kisses. One here, one there and one here followed by another there and there.  The ability to be one with self to another. Mutually beneficial, sensationally sweet, delectably passionate, particularly intimate and sensual but not all sexual.  Each kiss penetrating my thoughts and stimulating our expectancy.

I want to kiss him generously in thankfulness of our ancestors that worked so hard praising Him for another day allowing us this moment to be together to learn what it feels to be free.  Free to kiss each other privately or publicly displaying our affection of admiration towards each other.  Be able to look into his eyes knowing that our kiss will move mountains, make nature stand still and change the color of the sky.

 

Kissing him makes me feel special and gives me the ability to hear his words without ever being spoken.  It is honest, true and sincere which makes me think of the most High where it is written to focus your mind on whatsoever is pure.  His lips make me understand that passage. 

I want to kiss him in real life and in all of my dreams.  Be able to wake up and know that my dreams were as real as real can be.  In my dreams he will kiss me and me only not to be compared to any other as our kiss is all our own and never to be shared.

 

Kissing him makes me want to be there for him - be his friend and one day his companion but in this moment we just kiss. No expectations. No immediate motives. Just the magic of a kiss that leaves me wanting more.  More time to kiss him until lemons are sweet and gravity defies physics. 

I want to kiss him. Just kiss him.  Learn him. Breathe him. Hold him. Know him. Kiss him, Lip to lip, eyes closed with no worries. Passionate. Whole. Sweet. Sensual. Just our kiss. Together intertwined. Tasting our joy. Just kissing him making me feel my desire to just be in this moment in our kiss.  One day, he will be there and we will have that magical kiss and it will be one that will never be able to be believed by anyone.

May 6: Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves: (in no particular order)

Ø  Inconsistent people

Ø  Inconsideration for one’s time or feelings

Ø  Folks that straddle the fence. Either it is or it isn’t.  It can’t really both nor can you have both.

Ø  Multiple personalities

Ø  People that feel it is ok to pop up with out and preface

Ø  Heels that need taps. I hate the sound of nail scraping up against the concrete.  Just take them to get repaired or don’t wear them

Ø  Having an itch that you can’t scratch

Ø  Speaking out of your neck instead of your head.  Think about your statement before you speak it.  Once it’s said… Mean what you say when you say it.

Ø  When people call you and then do not answer when you call them right back.

Ø  When things are not urgent and I am rushed.

Ø  When people generalize me into a category before they know me.

Ø  Helpful people aren’t helpful. Do not say it as if you only mean it. Don’t offer assistance if it’s conditional.

Ø  People that do not respect customer service people.  I know some folks that work customer service are not always the happiest of people but some that responsibility is on the customer.  Some hold the cliché to heart.  The customer is not always right.  Just because you feel like you are paying for a service does not give you a free pass to talk crazy, belittle or even pass out threats.

Ø  I hate to see children on leashes.  It doesn’t impact me directly but I do not like to see it.

Ø  Incorrect uses of THEIR/THEY’RE/THERE, ACCEPT/EXCEPT, SPECIFIC AND PACIFIC – these are two completely words.  Btw, CONVERSATE is not a word and the correct usage is CONVERSE but some of yall are going to say the latter than the correct anyhow but it’s one my pet peeves.

My Respiration

So much on my mind I just can't recline

From where I sit, I look over the hood and so much as changed. People have changed, the feel has changed and the integrity is no longer valid. Once upon a time there was some sort of love for the hood but now it has dwindled down. It's not all for the better but not all for the worse. I see planes fly across smoggy skies but on a clear day my downtown is visually shines. The ghetto bird hovers most nights bringing attention to the overrated element of who's hood is it with territories marked on sidewalks, walls, buildings, garage doors and even sometimes the church. Yes, the blatant disrespect is prevalent. I remember a time when passing cars would turn down the music when passing a church especially during service. A time when marking territory didn't include the dwellings of God's temples in the hood but as I stated the hood has changed. This was a time when there was some sort of respect and someone's house, church or neighborhood business was not marked by individuals claiming territory that is not necessarily theirs to claim. When folks in the hood weren't held captive by bars to feel safe in a place of the "American Dream" which is now consumed by unemployment and foreclosures in spite of red/blue claims that don't really belong to them without no real pride or care for the hood.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

Once upon a time Parks was on 92^nd and Western. Their store sat right off the corner as extended family watching kids grow up and create a place that was constant and ever present force for generations. They loved, knew all the neighbors by name and even employed the hood. The Parks were there as the aaccessible corner, fresh meat and even fried fish market always open and generally available. Now as I sit back and look over that off the corner lot all that is left is a piece of the foundation to the building that held Mr. and Mrs. Parks for so long and was so positive. Their place of hope lost. The hope to rebuild didn't give fuel to their desire. All that exist is the liquor store across the street that makes money supplying some drunken tangents in a parking lot housing used condoms from the strawberries of the night. The devastation with conflict of mind and giving up on all that could have been. I see folks living for their work along with their dealing and scheming. We all have a story but it's just sad to see my people doped up, cracked in and strung out. Their heavily medicated souls estranged from their minds. I look over it and across it all and my soul is disturbed. It's just sad seeing the hood not live to its potential.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

In the city of angels where we tend to bleed purple and gold supporting our hometown boys doesn't keep the dope boys constantly standing watch shaking hands and staring at girls not yet old enough to understand the functions of their temple yet they speak of sharing it with each other and almost any other. They don't want to hold onto their innocence in hopes of growing up quick and having matchless materials or attention from what they may or may not have had at home. There is now a time where sex is too often taken for granted and not so much into the pleasure. All for more attention and even more attention confusing lust for love. Some smoking and snorting to escape the reality. The reality of babies having babies, some misusing their babies for the next high due to strung heads wandering dark sheets seeking the next hit of whatever, however with whomever only discovering forever lost innocence. Yet the go along with their stories untold with ass cheeks hanging in site attempting to attract their next dollar but its mumbled across the hood yet there is no help or encouragement given. No love, little hope and just simply trying to make it. Damn the hood has changed or has it only just become more visible as it was all done in the dark and has all come to light.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

The large span of land surrounded by water divided by so many cities and so many ethnic groups. My hood was once white when my grandparents bought their home and then when my mother graduated from high school in the same hood it grew very black and now as I have grown up, moved away and came back it has become more brown. The complexions vary but the hood is still changing. The crime is black on black and brown on brown and sometimes conflicts to black and brown. My hood has a church on almost every other corner yet there is a need for more than a little prayer. The overrated affiliates prey over their red and blue in my black and brown hood with no real care for the hood we all share. Breathe in, the hope that they will see the banging is not a true way of life and keepin it real will make you casualty of abnormal normality. It won't continue to be a place where what set you're from won't conclude with life taken. Just to leave the hood to go to another is along the 405, 110, 105 and it's simple to hop on the 207, 105, and 550 to just get away. No matter the situation there is always sunshine and gloom in the same moment. The sky is clear and it may be a beautiful day but it never dismisses the things that go on in the hardly ever quiet hood but like Cube stated you always look forward to the opportunity to say today was a good day.

Skyscrapers is colossus, the cost of living
is preposterous, stay alive, you play or die, no options
No Batman and Robin, can't tell between
the cops and the robbers, they both partners, they all heartless
With no conscience, back streets stay darkened
Where unbeliever hearts stay hardened

Mos Def (Respiration)

Not knowing the ways'll get you capped like an NBA salary
Some cats be emceeing to illustrate what we be seeing
Hard to be a spiritual being when shit is shakin what you believe inTalib Kweli (Respiration)

It's deep, I heard the city breathe in its sleep
Of reality I touch, but for me it's hard to keep
Deep, I heard my man breathe in his sleep
Of reality I touch, but for me it's hard to keep
Common (Respiration)