Saturday, October 10, 2009

Feeling some kind of way but not in a bad way

It is kind of amazing that life goes on around us even when we feel stagnant. It is one of those things about the world circulating and constantly changing and who are we not to go along with change or the flow of life. We spend a lot of time complaining, criticizing, critiquing amongst other things. We spend a lot of time investing in the I can’t instead of the I can.  We have seen so many wonderful things happen and we have been apart of it all.  We each have own personal growth and wonderful blessings in our lives. 

I am missing him right now and it is a blessing to just feel and be thankful in the moment. I cry still but its not complete heartache.
My father passed on Monday, July 6, 2009 after suffering for 15 years. He was a paraplegic with diabetes, kidney failure-disease, high blood pressure and hypertension among other things. He was the love of my life and on that day I lost a piece of myself and my life has changed. My family immediately made plans and tried to set arrangements. We looked at his paperwork and realized that he had not signed or completed most of it so we would have to pay for his burial. My father has 8 brothers and sisters, 2 daughters and mother that were all determined to lay him to rest respectfully by any means. We pooled our resources and made it happen. I used all of my savings to bury my father without a thought of what would be next. I am grateful that I had it and it felt good to be able to contribute. It was worth it and in that moment I felt that I was able to give him a piece of what he had given me. It was a blessing.

At my father’s funeral a childhood friend of his gave his eulogy. He shared several wonderful memories of my father and how encouraged he was by him. He said that my father was one of the reasons that he was a man of God and that the one thing that he respected most about him was that he operated in the “I can’t” unlike most of us and that I was a gift. In that moment I had to reflect on my life and all of the many attributes I have of him. I have his looks, his freckles, his helping heart, his gift of writing and his stubborn pride.

My father was a self made man. He did not spend too much time working for other people and taught himself music and how to work it all for himself. He educated himself and always invested in himself to make sure that we as a family had everything we needed and even some of what we wanted. I saw him work very diligently, study his craft and take the time to listen to people even when he didn’t believe that they knew more than he. He was ambitious, strong sometimes stubborn but always believed in himself. He never took negativity when people would say that you can’t do this or you shouldn’t try that because you can’t do that. He would do whatever it took to prove them wrong by learning the way to do this and taught himself to do that. Then he proceeded to make the negative into a positive by excelling past whatever was said he couldn’t do. He was a talented genius and the most courageous person I have ever known. He operated in his fear and did not allow anyone to know otherwise. This is the attribute that I want to have of him too.

When I came back from burying my father and went back to work I was let go. I was told that I had completed my task before leaving and that the time taken off was unexcused/ unapproved absence. Initially I was angry but in the moment of clarity I accepted my termination. I had just buried my father the week prior and I could get another job but will never have another father. This was a blessing as I have had to deal with my grief. I needed this time off to reflect and find a new balance. I was not truly happy with my job well moreso my boss but she has to live with herself and I cannot invest those emotions. I have loved working in promotional marketing but did not love my job. I have reached a point where my challenge was no longer doing my job but the environment and it didnt fill good making other people lots of money while struggling to keep myself afloat. I am no longer willing to succomb to these I can’t moments. I have already spent too much time considering giving up and dwelling in my inadequate circumstance of unemployment and loss. After all it is not my character. In my quest to find my passion and search for my significance, I must consider what my next move and go along with change.  I haven't found another job and I have been blessed to have some help paying my bills not too mention good family and friends.  I am often frustrated and have slight moments of defeat.  It all makes me feel some kind of way but then I write.

I have been praying for guidance to provide me growth and purpose.  After all change generally promotes growth - right? I say that to say that who am I not to give into life’s changes and be positive in doing so. It is very easy to give up and give into ignorance, anger, sadness as well all the other negative feelings. The world is full of all of that already and it is made easy to indulge however if I am to honor my father I would function in the I can and work a little harder to be positive. Spend some time encouraging and uplifting those around us. It makes me think and redirect.  So yes, I am frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed and even much annoyed but I know where my strength comes from and I am thankful for life. So yeah I am feeling some kind of way but it is not in a bad way.

How are you?

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