World Diabetes Day

World Diabetes Day raises global awareness of diabetes - its escalating rates around the world and how to prevent the illness in most cases. Started by the International Diabetes Federation (IDF) and WHO, the Day is celebrated on November 14 to mark the birthday of Frederick Banting who, along with Charles Best, was instrumental in the discovery of insulin in 1922, a life-saving treatment for diabetes patients.

WHO (World Health Organization) estimates that more than 346 million people worldwide have diabetes. This number is likely to more than double by 2030 without intervention. Almost 80% of diabetes deaths occur in low- and middle-income countries.

Diabetes is a chronic disease, which occurs when the pancreas does not produce enough insulin, or when the body cannot effectively use the insulin it produces. This leads to an increased concentration of glucose in the blood (hyperglycaemia).

Type 1 diabetes (previously known as insulin-dependent or childhood-onset diabetes) is characterized by a lack of insulin production.  Symptoms include excessive excretion of urine (polyuria), thirst (polydipsia), constant hunger, weight loss, vision changes and fatigue. These symptoms may occur suddenly.

Type 2 diabetes (formerly called non-insulin-dependent or adult-onset diabetes) is caused by the body’s ineffective use of insulin. It often results from excess body weight and physical inactivity.  Symptoms may be similar to those of Type 1 diabetes, but are often less marked. As a result, the disease may be diagnosed several years after onset, once complications have already arisen. Until recently, this type of diabetes was seen only in adults but it is now also occurring in children.

Gestational diabetes is hyperglycaemia that is first recognized during pregnancy. Symptoms of gestational diabetes are similar to Type 2 diabetes. Gestational diabetes is most often diagnosed through prenatal screening, rather than reported symptoms.

My daddy was a diabetic and many of the members on his side of the family are either diabetic or pre diabetic.  I am scared of becoming a diabetic and attempt to do all that I can to prevent it.  Several years ago I was overweight – about 50lbs over.  I began working out and changing my eating habits.  I didn’t go on a diet but moreso a lifestyle change.  This was/is my first initial way of prevention.  I have had friends that are/were diabetic. I have seen how it has changed their lives and how it has impacted mine.  We all need to be aware of diabetes as well as other diseases.  I believe that many have a friend and/or loved one that is diabetic and we should  educate ourselves and be better aware on this day going forward.

For more information on WHO and World Diabetes Day (HERE)

 Diabetes Key Facts

• 347 million people worldwide have diabetes¹.
• In 2004, an estimated 3.4 million people died from consequences of high blood sugar.
• More than 80% of diabetes deaths occur in low- and middle-income countries.
• WHO projects that diabetes deaths will increase by two thirds between 2008 and 2030.
• Healthy diet, regular physical activity, maintaining a normal body weight and avoiding tobacco use can prevent or delay the onset of type 2 diabetes.

 

Day 11: I THANKFUL for my parents...

I am THANKFUL that my parents are mine.  My parents were special together until they weren’t.  I can recall many happy moments.  They provided me with a wonderful fulfilling childhood.  I am THANKFUL for that.  I often hear stories about parents that don’t care or have far too many issues to care or some that just should not have been parents.  I am THANKFUL that I always felt loved.  My parents have always been very affectionate and always made sure my sister and knew that we were loved.

I am THANKFUL that my daddy was my daddy.  My daddy was very protective of his girls.  He made sure that our house was very comfortable so that there was no need to go to anyone else’s house.  We were the designated playhouse.  It is kind of funny when I think about it now but at the time all I wanted to do was spend the night with my friends.  When I did actually play at a friend’s house, it wasn’t far and there was a time limit.  He even had a special whistle for us.  When we heard it, we had better got our tails to the house.  My daddy wasn’t much for sports but into more concentrated activities such a karate and chess which he taught me both.  Daddy was (it still feels strange to say was instead of is) full of freckles, love and curiosity but I never doubted him.

I am THANKFUL for my mother being my mother.  My mother (mi madre) is some kind of awesome and I only hope that she knows how great of a mother she has been and continues to be.  I watched my mother work a full time job, go to school and be available for all of our activities.  She has always been known as the mom that knew everyone.  All of our friends loved our mother and continue to do so.  She is the person that folks could always confide in.  I have friends that have mothers that aren’t as into them or their accomplishments but my mother is far from that.  When I was applying to colleges and receiving acceptance letters, she completely allowed me to make my own decision.  She shared how proud of me she was and once my decision was made she did say that she was secretly hoping that I would choose Fisk University.  The day that I graduated she was full of smiles and told me over and over she was so proud of me.  That was one of my best moments ever and it more than wonderful to make her proud.  I look forward to another moment like that with her.

Wednesday's Words & Lyrics: Dance with my Father by Luther Vandross

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around til' I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again, ooh

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me, yeah yeah
Then finally make me do just what my momma said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance, one final step
One final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my father again

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved?
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying to dance with my father again

Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream

Happy Birthday Daddy (Rest In Peace)

Dear Daddy,

Sometimes I sit real still and quietly hope to hear your voice.  These are the moments that I realize how grateful I am that I had a wonderful man in my life.  A man that always made me feel special and loved me more than I have words to describe.  I am so blessed.  There are so many young ladies out there that are not blessed to have such and I will always be continually thankful that God chose you to be my daddy.

You know I wish that you were here.  There are a few things that I would like to run by you for your guidance.  I miss that about you.  You were a good listener and you didnt really say much until I got it all out.  It's funny looking back at some of those late night calls when I was paniced or freaking out how calm you were.  I took for granted that you would always be there to comfort me or even save me from myself.  I need that right now.

 I often wonder if you can hear me when I talk to you.  You see so much has changed since you died.  I have changed. I am not as outgoing as I was to an extent.  My emotions are hot and cold. I am still heartbroken.  My relationships have changed due to the my rollercoaster dynamic.  I am still having a hard time redefining me.  A hard time developing a new normal.  I didnt know that going on without you was going to be this hard and some days are better than others. I miss you more than anything and I just want to not be broken.  I want to hear your voice. see your smile. feel your love.  If only once more. I wish that you would come to me in my dreams and just tell me that you love one last time.  I wish that I didnt feel as alone as I do without you.  I wish that a piece of me wasnt gone with you.  I wish that some thoughts of you didnt take my breath away.  I wish that I could tell you Happy Birthday to your face.

I know better and I am going to do better.  I am going to do my best not be sad today.  I am going to do my best to not just dwell in my grief. So, on this day I honor you and your memory.  I cherish what I had and hope to see you in my dreams.  I look forward to seeing you again and hope that I make you proud. I miss you and love you. 

I love you daddy, Happy Birthday!!!

Rest In Paradise.

Freckles

3 Years... RIP DADDY FRECKLES

I wish you were here to guide me. I would give anything to just hear your voice. There are so many things that I want/need to say. There are still so many things that I wanted to experience with you.  I really just wish that you would come to me and just give a sign that you are there and that you are watching over me.  Today is expecially tough because I would have called granny to talk about you and now yall are together up there and she is not here either.  The only thing that give me peace is that I am a piece of you.  I miss you.  I love you.

Rest In Paradise Daddy.

Merry Memorial Day - RIP Daddy

Special Merry Memorial Day Shout out to all branches of military on this day.  So many lives lost in honor of this country.  How Great Art Thou that allows us to pay mere tribute in honor of those lives.  One particularly special to me is my daddy.  He was in the Air force and is honorably laid to rest in the Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery in Elwood, Illinois. I am so grateful to the volunteers that paid tribute to my father and presented me with his flag along with the bullets shells from his salute. 

Rest In Peace Daddy and all men & women who serve this country.

May 4: My Parents

As a girl when my parents were fully in love that they would dance in the living room. They were good and suave.  You could feel the passion in their every move.   I knew then that I wanted that.  I wanted to feel the kind of love they had in those moments.  They were so in love that they created us (my sister and I) in their love.  They planned us almost to the day.  We were both a few days early but we present nonetheless.  When my daddy died, my mother was there.  She grieved him too. 

They were a sharp couple.  My mother use to tell me stories of them going dancing and how folks would step back and just watch them glide across the floor.  They enhanced each other once upon a time.  There was a a happy time in my childhood that it all just felt real good.  The love was there.  I want that.

Daddy, My First Love (part 2)

One of the great things about a blog challenge is that it makes you think about things that you may not really write about otherwise.  It holds you accountable.  I like to have a group doing the challenge so that I can stay inspired.  It amazing how someone’s words can make you feel.  To be able to receive confirmation that others are going through things in their lives to aspire their own growth.  Today’s challenge was simple to me.  A blogger that I know personally is doing the challenge and he inquired as to how much I was I going to share.  I replied that I was going to keep it simple.  After further review of today’s challenge I am going to further elaborate upon my first love.

I haven’t written much about my daddy lately but he hasn’t been further from my thoughts.  He is always in my thoughts.  I think of him every time I look in the mirror.  I look so much like him as I get older or just see him in me more.  There are moments when I just look into the mirror for him.    I can sometimes feel him.  It’s kind of ironic, seemingly so that I cannot hear his voice.  I yearn to hear him.  I search through my memory rolodex for his voice clearly to hear it and I am often devastated when I can hear him.  I can’t reach the point that I can hear him but I know what was said but not in his tone.  That’s scary to me.  It makes me sad and it brings me into mourning again.  I just want to hear him say something. Anything.  Especially when there are things going on in my head that I need help conveying into words.  My daddy was a writer.  He wrote lyrics and produced music.  He had a genius way with words.  I just wish that I could hear him again.  One of the most special things about conversations with my dad was that he listened and very rarely gave me actual advice.  He had a way about him that made me think for myself and understand my concrete point of view.  He inquired to all the specifics, my feelings (my emotional point of view) and the facts (pros vs. the cons).  He made me figure my own way most times.  He never really told me his expectations of me which leaves me wanting it now.  He never really shared his plan for me from his point of view.  My mother is different in that aspect but not in a bad way.  Mainly, she is not my daddy.  I was daddy’s girl.  I love him and that is never past tense.  He was my first real love.  The man that I lightweight compare all men to.  Not just his purely wonderful qualities but some of his not pleasant attributes as well.  I examine these things as such that I care not to deal with. When you truly love a person you love them in their entirety.  The love I have for him is that way and unconditional. 

Everyone has flaws and there is not perfect being outside of God.  We are all constant works in progress always aspiring to be better.  We all go through things that make us feel, learn and hopefully grow.  We each deal with life’s happenings in different ways.  It’s the part of each being an individual.  Love is one of those things that just sort of happen and makes you feel all sorts of things.  So I am thankful to writing and those that write and keep me inspired, encouraged and accountable.  Thank you.  Thank you to Daddy Freckles for the love that just keeps on giving.

May 3: Your First Love

My Daddy was my first love.  

He taught me how to love. 

It is true what they say that a girl’s father is the first man she falls in love with.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day #25: Something that I miss

Something that I miss...

2 years 6 months 26 days

RIP Daddy Freckles



Dear Daddy, I miss you

Dear Daddy,
I often feel alone since you have been gone.  It seems to be a constant conflict.  I cannot replace duplicate create.  There’s so much that I wish that I could change.  I wish that I was there.  I still harvest some of the guilt of not being there.  I just really miss you.  There are so many things that I want to talk to you about and things that I would love to have your feedback on.  Look you in your face and see my reflection in you knowing that there is nothing but love behind our eyes.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would be like to hear your voice.  What it is would be lie to truly listen to your questions in a conversation that make me pull from the inside to solve any of life’s dilemmas.  I would give anything to have a moment with you right now.  Its ironic how much you want something when you know there is no way that it is possible.  I suppose that is just instilled in humans.  Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror staring at your image looking back at me hoping to just hear your voice for a moment.  It’s amazing how much I look like you as I get older.  Often in that moment I wish that it was really you. 

I know it has been 2 years but the pain of heartbreak is still on me.  I am not crying everyday anymore and I accept that you are gone but once Grandma died this overwhelming feeling of hurt has been on me.  I can’t really describe it or really have the words to express it.  It just hurts and sometimes my heart just hurts.  I’m sad.  I miss you.  I miss grandma.  I need to continue to grieve but it just seems to be a bit much for me.  I just feel like it’s one of those times when crying may not be helpful.  Honestly, it all makes me feel kind of crazy that I am still redefining me after all this time.  I suppose you being gone is just not one of those things that you just get over.  I love you and really want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that I am trying to be a better person, better woman.  I want you to know that I am tired, frustrated and often feel very much alone with all my feelings.  I feel like you are the only one that would be able to understand.  I miss you daddy.

I love you,

Your Freckled Daughter

Happy Birthday Daddy Freckles - RIP

I cant help but to admire little girls waking hand and hand with their fathers.  To see the smiles on their faces as they feel so safe and secure.  There is something very special about the love a girl has for her father.  After all, her father is her first true love. 

While working at a bank a young lady came in and said that she wanted to surprise her father.  She hadn't seen him in a few months. She asked me to get him to the reception desk but not to tell him why.  I paged him and he obliged.  Once he came up to the front he saw her and he was overwhlemed with emotion as was she.  They embraced and in that moment I felt their love.  It was special and so genuine.  In that moment, as happy I was for her I was a little jealous.  I wish that it were my moment with my father. 

There is not a day that I do not think about him.  There is not a day that I do not wish for an opportunity to love on him.  It has been 2 years since his death and the pain is still very much there.  There is not a day that I do not miss him and yearn for him to tell me that all will be ok.  I wish.  I would give anything to be able give him the tightest hug ever and just look him in his face. Be able to just sit down and have a conversation about life and love. 

Today is my daddy's birthday and though he is not on this earth with me any longer, I always have him in my heart.  I am going to do my best to honor him today.  I am going to do my best to not feel overcome with sorrow.  On this day, I am going to try to be a little stronger.  I will talk to him and try to feel him.  I am so blessed to have had a father that loved me so much.  He was involved, cared and shared with me as much of him as possible.  He was my daddy.  My love and my heart. 

I encourage all those that still have their fathers or father figures in their lives to love them a little more today.  Let them know that you appreciate them.  Have a moment that you will be able to hold close to you forever.  Don't let a moment pass without saying that you love them.  Life is too short to hold grudges or hold your emotions to yourself and regret with a side of guilt are burdens that aren't worth enduring.  Create a moment for your forever.  You will appreciate it later.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY - I LOVE YOU & MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!

Rest In Peace

The Celebration of the 10th Anniversary of My 21st Birthday

THEME: 10th Anniversary of My 21st Birthday = 31

As I stated last week.  My birthday was Saturday, October 2 and I meant to post but I didn't - my bad.  I had a wonderful birthday.  My day began with a wonderful conversation with my bestie.  Then I spent the rest of the morning watching movies and conversing with mi Madre.  She is awesome.  I was glad that we had that time together because I felt me going into that I miss my daddy and he isn't here for another birthday moment once I looked in the mirror.  She didn't know this but it was constantly on my mind and her timing was impeccable.  She helps me through these meltdowns more than she knows.  I love the time that we spend together just conversing on all sorts of subjects.  This go around we both were rather emotional.  LIFE just always has a way of happening and becoming rather overwhelming but we have each other in this journey, as well as GOD guiding us and I believe that my daddy is watching over us too. 

I have FB coming to my phone as text and it became almost annoying but I love seeing who thought enough of me to wish me many more.  The phone just kept going off all day though and I was rather tempted to take the text subscription off - BUT OF COURSE I got over it!!!  Not too mention, I was paying attention to who was contacting me.  I was sort of expecting to hear from some certain people. 

Then this wonderful senior couple from my church called and asked to come by.  Honey, as we infectiously call her, bakes the most amazing Lemon cake that you have almost ever tasted in your life.  I put in a request several weeks ago and she remembered.  She and her husband came by and sang happy birthday to me which was super sweet!!!  I love them and they have a special something for me which is such a blessing.  You should always have wise counsel on your team.  It is the best way to learn.

I sort of just relaxed and had a few people bring by some gifts which was a pleasant surprise.  I love gifts but of course who doesn't.  I ran a few errands with one my girlfriend's to help her find something to wear for my party and ended up finding an amazing dress for she and one for myself, unexpectingly.  I was planning to wear something I had that I'd never worn and hadn't been able to fit prior to my weight loss and lifestyle change. Then I came across the dress for a bargin and even found a pair of shoes for another bargain that matched the dress.  Though it was not my intention to buy something - I went for it and it was

PERFECT!!!

I relaxed in preparation of my party and sent out some directions as well as confirmations.  Once we got to the establishment I WAS ON... I looked great, felt great and was so overwhelmingly happy with the turn out of friends that shared in my special day. Every showed up looking absolutely SEXY in our sexy environment.  We had our own personal bartender/waiter - SAM, who was so on it.  He took care of us and he said we took care of him.  You have got to be pretty awesome when the bartender buys you a couple of rounds of cocktails - YAY ME!!!  It was a great time full of Raspberry Lemon Drops. 13 to be exact.  folks just kept buying them and I kept drinking them.  I did go into my youth and drank like I was 21 but this go around I kept it sessi (Sexy) ...

It was a great birthday and I have to say that I am blessed in spite of... Last year was tough and turning 30 wasn't as wonderful as this birthday being my father's death was so fresh.  I am thankful that I can feel and see my strength this year compared to last year.  I have had some emotional moments since my birthday but I am still in celebration mode.  I miss him.  I miss him so much and I really wish that I could see him see the woman that I am becoming.  I am just thankful that now I feel him more than I did my last birthday. 

So, I toast my thankful birthday spirit to my parents. 

My mother for being good to me and keeping me. 

Daddy Freckles who I continue to look more like everyday.  I see him in me. 

I will drink to that.

one year later

it was one year ago yesterday that my daddy died. I can still feel the brokeness of my heart with almost each breath I take. that may never go away. I can feel the moment that I was told that he had taken his last breath. I still feel the overwhelming hurt and pain overcome me. the shortness of breath. the ache in my chest, heart and head. my mind going into overload. I felt paralyzed like my father was since 1995. with his legs went his will to live. it hurt to see him angry and unhappy. it hurt to hear him be unhappy. it was all a bit much and I didnt know how to be there for him. I didnt know how to see past it and be there. I feel some kind of way about it and me in that aspect. I wasnt strong enough or didnt feel strong enough. It is hard to watch someone die and/or want to die. I regret that I wasnt there

but 

I remain thankful that I now know my own strength. I am thankful that I can remember him as I do. I love that I can see him in me.

I understand that God needed him now and that it was his time to no longer suffer. I am at peace with the fact that he is now resting in peace. I will be ok and though it still hurts and I still have the sporatic breakdowns; I know that he is in a better place smiling down upon the women that my sister and I are becoming. Watching over her children and even my mother.

he was a lot of things to a lot of people but he was my daddy.

my one and only. one who loved hard and completely. I am ever so thankful for that.

so on this day one year later I dedicate yet another post to my daddy freckles.

I love and miss you so much.

Rest in peace.

Fathers Day: the day after

I woke up yesterday very emotional and not particularly interested in getting out of the bed.  I did the regular and prepared for church.  I was not really too enthused but tried to encourage myself in the process. I put on my good praise music and got myself together.  I gried and prayed. prayed and cried.  I did my best not to give into the moment of dark sadness.  Put my dress on and went outside to clear my head and had a very interesting conversation with my neighbor.  He said some wonderfully encouraging things that I gave complete consideration. 

I went ahead and went to church. I love my home church.  It is just a feel good place.  A place where it is completely ok to release.  My pastor said to me that I needed to just let it go and not hold it in.  She said holding it all in will hold you hostage.  Tears are for cleansing so let it all go and I did just that. She told me that the first everthing is tough.  Aint that the truth.

I fully intended on a posting yesterday but my spirit would not allow me to do much of anything but mourn my father and reflect on all things that were him. I miss him.  I love him so much and I often wish he was here.  In my reflection, I realized that I often compare men to my father.  I am drawn to men that have some of his same attributes - good and bad.  My father was far from perfect but he was the love of my life.  I know he cannot be duplicated and nor do I want him to be but I do want someone to love me as unconditionally as he.  Is that asking too much?

i miss my daddy

it has been a moment since I have said anything about him.  I kind of keep it to myself. for a while that seemed to be all that I had to talk about.  i miss him.  I miss him alot.  I am just having a moment and needed to go ahead and get it out so why not share it here with all of you.  this blog is personal and it makes me feel close to him.  He was a writer.  very talented and I have heard from my family that

I am so much like him. 

it is funny that the older that I get the more of him I see in me.  I sometimes stare at me in the mirror to see him.  I am looking more and more like him everyday.  every freckle reminds me of him. 

I love him and miss him so much. 

I generally try not to give into these moments often but tonight... 

tonight I read a blog by a friend and

he spoke of quality time with his child and

BOOM!

waterworks.

greif flowing rapidly down my face.

I yearn for quality time with him and I know I can have it but its not the same.  I want to hear his voice and I need his advice.  there have been so many things going on and He use to be great to talk to.  Daddy's generally dont want to about boy/men problems but my daddy always wanted me to talk to him about men in my life.  with the recent developments, I want to talk to him and I know that I can but I need to hear him back.  He listened and gave great advice.  I want Him to hold me like He use to and love on me.  I need to hear his voice.  I miss him so much right now.

next week will be my first father's day without him and next month will be 1 year that he has been gone.  honestly it has gotten a bit more peaceful.  I am notcrying everyday anymore but I am more aware that He is gone and never coming back.  I get it. I swear but I have these moments when I imagine Him coming through a door or just being there.  I know its my imagination or moreso my heart connecting with His spirit.

I have another friend that I love dearly who recently lost his mother.  my heart immediately broke for him.  I know how it feels to lose a parent.  It brought me back to the moment when I found out that my daddy had died.  I will never forget that moment and I can feel the pain as if I was in that moment. I sincerely try not to give into that moment. it gets to be a bit much. I want to hear his voice.  my mom says that she has some videos but I am not sure if I am ready for that.  it may be a good thing. 

I just know that I feel fatherless right now and its a very uncomfortable feeling.  

 I miss him and this was just a moment.

this too shall pass.

Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt

INVENTORY

Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I’d been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

~ Dorothy Parker ~

I named my blog this because it reigns true in my spirit. It was a play on words and inspiration. My life is full of love, curiosity and plenty of doubt. Not too mention I have these freckles across my face and most of my body. They are more prominent on my face and they can't be missed. I can not speak for anyone but me but I have had my moment where I felt that I would be better off with any of those. Well maybe not the freckles. I have embraced them. In fact, I am not me without them and I am not sure if I would be better without them. They seem to work for me and encourage my individuality. They keep me inspired and most of all they keep me close to my daddy... RIP Daddy Freckles

Christmas: my first without daddy

Woke up (thankfully) and went to the kitchen. I cooked us a breakfast of salmon croquettes, grits, potatoes & onions, fried eggs and honey biscuits. Mmm… good. Comcast was out so we (roommate and I) watched movies all day on the couch. Like every other major holiday the text messages began early and the phone calls were minimal. I just wasn’t in the mood. I tried but it all made me anxious. My chest felt tight. I spoke to my sister and nephew, my grandmothers (love those ladies), my mom and even went to call my dad a few times. I cannot seem to delete his number out of my phone. I kept excusing myself for sporadic breakdowns. KB kept checking in on me all day (she is the greatest friend)

Cry and Pray

Cry and pray

Cry and pray

Stand.

Just another day. My heart was/is full but not with any holiday spirit – sorry. My everything just wasn’t into it. Yeah, it’s only been months but they pain is still heavily there. There is always something that reminds me of him or makes me think about him. I miss him and there are a few things that I want to say to him today. So, I write, cry and pray - take a deep breath and shake it off.

I sometimes get envious of little girls with their daddy’s or hear a friend speak of conversations or moments. There is nothing like that relationship – fathers and daughters. I recall and think of his smile he had when he looked at me. I can feel the safeness of his arms when he hugged me and the love in his voice when we conversed. I remember dancing with him, learning karate from him and him watching me running on the track. He liked to hear me sing his words. I remember him before the incident changed him forever. His laugh, his mile, his heart, his mind – our freckles.

Cry and Pray

Pray and Cry

Cry and Pray

My heart hurts. Still. I hurt – I’m sad and I cannot seem to move past it. I know that it takes time but I lose focus often. It is all situational and I know I am going to be ok. I feel so incomplete sometimes. It’s tough.   I found a card today from my daddy and then I ran across a card that I was supposed to send to him. He never got it and there is nothing that I can do about it. There is guilt there. However this is another day that I have made it through.  It is just one of those days I suppose.  One of the not so good days that makes me just be in reflection.  I am about ready for 2009 to be over.  What about you?

Peace and Blessings,

Freckles.

Veterans Day - RIP Daddy

Gratitude for God's blessings changes the way we see ourselves and the world.

Thank you, Lord Jesus Christ, for dying so that we may have life. Help us to live our lives in gratitude, for the glory of your kingdom. Amen.

Feeling some kind of way but not in a bad way

It is kind of amazing that life goes on around us even when we feel stagnant. It is one of those things about the world circulating and constantly changing and who are we not to go along with change or the flow of life. We spend a lot of time complaining, criticizing, critiquing amongst other things. We spend a lot of time investing in the I can’t instead of the I can.  We have seen so many wonderful things happen and we have been apart of it all.  We each have own personal growth and wonderful blessings in our lives. 

I am missing him right now and it is a blessing to just feel and be thankful in the moment. I cry still but its not complete heartache.

My father passed on Monday, July 6, 2009 after suffering for 15 years. He was a paraplegic with diabetes, kidney failure-disease, high blood pressure and hypertension among other things. He was the love of my life and on that day I lost a piece of myself and my life has changed. My family immediately made plans and tried to set arrangements. We looked at his paperwork and realized that he had not signed or completed most of it so we would have to pay for his burial. My father has 8 brothers and sisters, 2 daughters and mother that were all determined to lay him to rest respectfully by any means. We pooled our resources and made it happen. I used all of my savings to bury my father without a thought of what would be next. I am grateful that I had it and it felt good to be able to contribute. It was worth it and in that moment I felt that I was able to give him a piece of what he had given me. It was a blessing.

At my father’s funeral a childhood friend of his gave his eulogy. He shared several wonderful memories of my father and how encouraged he was by him. He said that my father was one of the reasons that he was a man of God and that the one thing that he respected most about him was that he operated in the “I can’t” unlike most of us and that I was a gift. In that moment I had to reflect on my life and all of the many attributes I have of him. I have his looks, his freckles, his helping heart, his gift of writing and his stubborn pride.

My father was a self made man. He did not spend too much time working for other people and taught himself music and how to work it all for himself. He educated himself and always invested in himself to make sure that we as a family had everything we needed and even some of what we wanted. I saw him work very diligently, study his craft and take the time to listen to people even when he didn’t believe that they knew more than he. He was ambitious, strong sometimes stubborn but always believed in himself. He never took negativity when people would say that you can’t do this or you shouldn’t try that because you can’t do that. He would do whatever it took to prove them wrong by learning the way to do this and taught himself to do that. Then he proceeded to make the negative into a positive by excelling past whatever was said he couldn’t do. He was a talented genius and the most courageous person I have ever known. He operated in his fear and did not allow anyone to know otherwise. This is the attribute that I want to have of him too.

When I came back from burying my father and went back to work I was let go. I was told that I had completed my task before leaving and that the time taken off was unexcused/ unapproved absence. Initially I was angry but in the moment of clarity I accepted my termination. I had just buried my father the week prior and I could get another job but will never have another father. This was a blessing as I have had to deal with my grief. I needed this time off to reflect and find a new balance. I was not truly happy with my job well moreso my boss but she has to live with herself and I cannot invest those emotions. I have loved working in promotional marketing but did not love my job. I have reached a point where my challenge was no longer doing my job but the environment and it didnt fill good making other people lots of money while struggling to keep myself afloat. I am no longer willing to succomb to these I can’t moments. I have already spent too much time considering giving up and dwelling in my inadequate circumstance of unemployment and loss. After all it is not my character. In my quest to find my passion and search for my significance, I must consider what my next move and go along with change.  I haven't found another job and I have been blessed to have some help paying my bills not too mention good family and friends.  I am often frustrated and have slight moments of defeat.  It all makes me feel some kind of way but then I write.

I have been praying for guidance to provide me growth and purpose.  After all change generally promotes growth - right? I say that to say that who am I not to give into life’s changes and be positive in doing so. It is very easy to give up and give into ignorance, anger, sadness as well all the other negative feelings. The world is full of all of that already and it is made easy to indulge however if I am to honor my father I would function in the I can and work a little harder to be positive. Spend some time encouraging and uplifting those around us. It makes me think and redirect.  So yes, I am frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed and even much annoyed but I know where my strength comes from and I am thankful for life. So yeah I am feeling some kind of way but it is not in a bad way.

How are you?