Wednesday, June 9, 2010

i miss my daddy

it has been a moment since I have said anything about him.  I kind of keep it to myself. for a while that seemed to be all that I had to talk about.  i miss him.  I miss him alot.  I am just having a moment and needed to go ahead and get it out so why not share it here with all of you.  this blog is personal and it makes me feel close to him.  He was a writer.  very talented and I have heard from my family that
I am so much like him. 
it is funny that the older that I get the more of him I see in me.  I sometimes stare at me in the mirror to see him.  I am looking more and more like him everyday.  every freckle reminds me of him. 
I love him and miss him so much. 
I generally try not to give into these moments often but tonight... 
tonight I read a blog by a friend and
he spoke of quality time with his child and
greif flowing rapidly down my face.
I yearn for quality time with him and I know I can have it but its not the same.  I want to hear his voice and I need his advice.  there have been so many things going on and He use to be great to talk to.  Daddy's generally dont want to about boy/men problems but my daddy always wanted me to talk to him about men in my life.  with the recent developments, I want to talk to him and I know that I can but I need to hear him back.  He listened and gave great advice.  I want Him to hold me like He use to and love on me.  I need to hear his voice.  I miss him so much right now.
next week will be my first father's day without him and next month will be 1 year that he has been gone.  honestly it has gotten a bit more peaceful.  I am notcrying everyday anymore but I am more aware that He is gone and never coming back.  I get it. I swear but I have these moments when I imagine Him coming through a door or just being there.  I know its my imagination or moreso my heart connecting with His spirit.
I have another friend that I love dearly who recently lost his mother.  my heart immediately broke for him.  I know how it feels to lose a parent.  It brought me back to the moment when I found out that my daddy had died.  I will never forget that moment and I can feel the pain as if I was in that moment. I sincerely try not to give into that moment. it gets to be a bit much. I want to hear his voice.  my mom says that she has some videos but I am not sure if I am ready for that.  it may be a good thing. 
I just know that I feel fatherless right now and its a very uncomfortable feeling.  
 I miss him and this was just a moment.
this too shall pass.


JStar said...

Ok tears are whelling up in my eyes now...That pain I know has to hurt...I dont have any advice for you here because I never had a daddy forreal so I can only imagine...I grieved for my dad as a young kid but tried to block him out of my heart and mind as an adult...But this post made me want a daddy...Wishing my father had been a daddy...The daddy that all little girls want...I never had that luxury....But I lost my brother to AIDS 13 years ago...My big brother was my everything...The one I talked to and went to in time of need....I have needed him so much over these 13 years and couldnt run to him...Time does make it easier, but I still shed a tear just at the thought of him...

stephanie said...

i've never known the pain of losing a parent so i can't fully empathize but know that i do sympathize with you. i sincerely hope for you peace and strength and joy.

i would just say that to allow yourself to be immersed in your feelings isn't always a bad thing. in fact it can be healing. vulnerability is beautiful after all, or at least i think so.

Miss.Stefanie said...

I with Stephanie. My heart just filled up with tears. My prayers are with you...

Freckles said...

thank you so much ladies. It was a moment and realistically I am at peace with him being dead. I get it but sometimes I miss him deeply. I can feel my chest tighten and I give into the emotions. It is just hard sometimes. Especially when there is stuff going on and he is not here for me to talk to. I took some of our relationship for granted as if he was going to be here forever. I am ok and will be ok. THe valley just gets dar sometimes.

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