one year later

it was one year ago yesterday that my daddy died. I can still feel the brokeness of my heart with almost each breath I take. that may never go away. I can feel the moment that I was told that he had taken his last breath. I still feel the overwhelming hurt and pain overcome me. the shortness of breath. the ache in my chest, heart and head. my mind going into overload. I felt paralyzed like my father was since 1995. with his legs went his will to live. it hurt to see him angry and unhappy. it hurt to hear him be unhappy. it was all a bit much and I didnt know how to be there for him. I didnt know how to see past it and be there. I feel some kind of way about it and me in that aspect. I wasnt strong enough or didnt feel strong enough. It is hard to watch someone die and/or want to die. I regret that I wasnt there

but 

I remain thankful that I now know my own strength. I am thankful that I can remember him as I do. I love that I can see him in me.

I understand that God needed him now and that it was his time to no longer suffer. I am at peace with the fact that he is now resting in peace. I will be ok and though it still hurts and I still have the sporatic breakdowns; I know that he is in a better place smiling down upon the women that my sister and I are becoming. Watching over her children and even my mother.

he was a lot of things to a lot of people but he was my daddy.

my one and only. one who loved hard and completely. I am ever so thankful for that.

so on this day one year later I dedicate yet another post to my daddy freckles.

I love and miss you so much.

Rest in peace.