Monday, December 28, 2009

Christmas: my first without daddy

Woke up (thankfully) and went to the kitchen. I cooked us a breakfast of salmon croquettes, grits, potatoes & onions, fried eggs and honey biscuits. Mmm… good. Comcast was out so we (roommate and I) watched movies all day on the couch. Like every other major holiday the text messages began early and the phone calls were minimal. I just wasn’t in the mood. I tried but it all made me anxious. My chest felt tight. I spoke to my sister and nephew, my grandmothers (love those ladies), my mom and even went to call my dad a few times. I cannot seem to delete his number out of my phone. I kept excusing myself for sporadic breakdowns. KB kept checking in on me all day (she is the greatest friend)

Cry and Pray

Cry and pray

Cry and pray


Just another day. My heart was/is full but not with any holiday spirit – sorry. My everything just wasn’t into it. Yeah, it’s only been months but they pain is still heavily there. There is always something that reminds me of him or makes me think about him. I miss him and there are a few things that I want to say to him today. So, I write, cry and pray - take a deep breath and shake it off.

I sometimes get envious of little girls with their daddy’s or hear a friend speak of conversations or moments. There is nothing like that relationship – fathers and daughters. I recall and think of his smile he had when he looked at me. I can feel the safeness of his arms when he hugged me and the love in his voice when we conversed. I remember dancing with him, learning karate from him and him watching me running on the track. He liked to hear me sing his words. I remember him before the incident changed him forever. His laugh, his mile, his heart, his mind – our freckles.
Cry and Pray
Pray and Cry
Cry and Pray
My heart hurts. Still. I hurt – I’m sad and I cannot seem to move past it. I know that it takes time but I lose focus often. It is all situational and I know I am going to be ok. I feel so incomplete sometimes. It’s tough.   I found a card today from my daddy and then I ran across a card that I was supposed to send to him. He never got it and there is nothing that I can do about it. There is guilt there. However this is another day that I have made it through.  It is just one of those days I suppose.  One of the not so good days that makes me just be in reflection.  I am about ready for 2009 to be over.  What about you?

Peace and Blessings,



JStar said...

Yea, I totally understand how you were feeling...I felt as if the holidays were happening but I was in my own lil world...I just dont feel fulfilled with my life...and the holidays make me miss my brother. I had his childhood stocking hanging like always...Its just not the same without my big brother...Eventho its been 13 years, the pain of missing him hasnt gotten any easier...

Freckles said...

understood. I am trying and some days are better than others. Christmas was just not wonderful and fulfilled.

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