Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Dating Game: Is Chivalry Dead? Part 1

Whatever happen to long walks, good conversation sharing our likes and dislikes, long phone calls of no you hang up first? Whatever happen to coming to my front door, ringing the bell instead of text messaging when he got outside asking me to come out? Whatever happen to a man and woman going for coffee, ice cream, breakfast, lunch or simply dinner and a movie? Whatever happen to actual courtship?

Is Chivalry and Courting Dead?

Chivalry and Chivalrous are used to describe courteous behavior,
especially that of men towards women.
The art of consideration, being courteous, faithful, honorable, devoted or courtly.

I am sure that this may be foreign to some and not as useful to others. It seems that times have changed and we have strayed from old school courting. It is rather ironic that I refer to courtship as being old school within itself but as always it is what it is. I am not sure when the transition of courtship fell by the way side but seemingly it has as a whole. Don’t get me wrong they are not all gone and I am fairly certain that some do participate in this courteous behavior but as a general society it is not as common. I know this because I very rarely meet a man that invites me out for a cup a coffee, a movie or dinner.  I have been invited but there has been a lack of follow through which may be partly my fault to an extent as I have not pushed the issue but that is another post for another time.

Once upon a time I recall guys wanting to go to the beach, the movies or at least Fatburger for a night out.  I was at least be upgraded from McDonalds or Wendys however I love that damn Chikfila. You would laugh and talk and get to know each other. By the end of the date you were fairly certain whether you wanted to make them your boo see them again. There was an outing and it didn’t even cost very much since that seems to be a concern but there was some sort of initial process of compatibility. It was not laying up at the house pretending that we are going to watch a movie

I inquired to my friends on FB if people date and if chivalry is dead. Yes it was a large question which had several layers within but they do coincide whether we decide to believe it or not. I have to say that I was rather taken back by the responses that I received and when I heard that so many men know how to be but don’t do unless she is worth it or you have to be really into her. Wow. What qualities make her be worth it and how do you know if you are really into her if there is not any real conversation and/or date?
…Or maybe we can see a movie
Or maybe we can see a play on Saturday (Saturday)
Or maybe we can roll a tree and feel the breeze and listen to a symphony
Or maybe chill and just be, or maybe
Maybe we can take a cruise and listen to the Roots or maybe eat some passion fruit
Or maybe cry to the blues
Or maybe we could just be silent…
I have to say that I believe that a man should pursue a woman although there is not anything wrong with a woman knowing what she wants but a man should be the one to assume the role of pursuer. Don’t get me wrong. I have been known to approach a man and I have been known to be the pursuer initially. However I do allow the roles to reverse afterwards if he is man enough to handle it. Either way, it all starts with an initial attraction. There is generally something about someone that sparks your curiosity. Whether it is their looks, their “swag”, his bald head and shoulders or her freckles (smile). Some are simply a little more in tune with their nose so it could simply be their smell – yeah I said their smell, after all my grandmother always says a woman is suppose to smell good and so should men (matter of fact that Issey Miyake is FIRE and I know it wherever I am – it catches my attention). It is always helpful and can get the pheromones going. A possible introduction and/or potential conversation should follow with a possible exchange of contact information also known as getting the digits (do folks still say that?). We still have these two steps in good use but this is when it gets a little problematic. After we exchange numbers it seems that the initial conversation is lost. I can count on my fingers and toes how many times I have heard someone say “imma call you” and either they don’t or they send a text. It is not the same. Ladies do this too. I understand that technology is so great but what happened to talking on the phone instead on texting. Damnit, call me. Talk to me. So much can be misinterpreted in a text that can be said with your voice and be fully understood. I go by a persons’ word. If you say that you are going to call – call. When you don’t follow through then it is a reflection of your character and you are easily not of your word. (My opinion and yes I have been guilty of this too but again this rant it for another post - stay tuned). A conversation can go a long way and it shows some interest on both parts. It allows you the opportunity to decide if you even want to be bothered with the initial date or investing the time or money on a person. Which leads to setting up the actual date, Yes I said date – that is when two people go away from their homes on an outing so to speak. I know this again may be foreign to some but they are essential. I say that they are essential because they give each the prospect of being on an even playing field and truly see how a person acts and/or reacts. Each is able to share in the experience of being a mutually comfortable and encourage the two to interact with each other.
…Let's take a long walk around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations
Elevations, maybe we can talk about Psalms in entirety…
All of this sounds good and in a perfect world it would be how it is but unfortunately this is not always how it the process pans out. We don’t always take the time to get to know each other and see if there is possible compatibility. We don't always take the time to be out and about and see how a person is.  We don't have conversations to get to know more than his pipe potential or her cup size.  Saying allof this say that it would be safe to assume that we as  society have lost site of courting.  We are all out of touch with the rules of dating and common courtesy as a whole. Some of us know how to but do not always take the to just do so.  It seems that we have all succumbed to the playing games and pointing the fingers at someone breaking the rules.  We hardly ever take the time to review the rules to the games we play.  The dating game is full of rules and consequences. In any game there are winners and losers. Some of get a head and some of take shortcuts.  It is all about how you position yourself and play the game. It would just be nice to be a bit more gracious and courteous when we decide to play.

Vibe with me.



I will have to agree cookie! These men are a mess these days and the world becomes a shockingly more shallow place year after year and day after day. I am very disappointed by how folks try to tick you into some cheap ass lie about wanting to go back to their place for a movie. That offer does not even hold any weight in my mind and I know whats up and I immediately decline and give them one more chance to ask me somewhere with some sense.

I just think all this is coming from one place, LUST! What shame how in the year 2009 instead of being smarter and not consumed by our lust, people have allowed their whole beings to be consumed and taken over. What is more hurtful is the lack of care for one another s Feelings and not just killing someone's self esteem by fucking them one night and then never calling again. This shady behavior is accepted and encouraged amongst a lot of men gay or straight. I find it unacceptable and evil spirited.

*ps* I cant believe i just spewed out real thoughts lol I have so many but I dare not blog many of them.

Anywho, Thank you for letting me comment here.

Traci Lavette said...

Hey Chica!

I don't think it's dead as much as I think that we, as women, don't require it as much as we should. Some women get so caught up in the attention that man is giving, they don't make him "work for it". Not that he is supposed to do hard labor to get in good graces. I just feel that some women are too quick to let a man off the hook and not set the stage for him to court her. I have been guilty of it in the past, myself. I get comfortable in my own surroundings, so I'm like "you can come over here". When in fact, there should be several dates before he is invited over because if there aren't, he gets used to that 'kickin it at the house' stage.

That's not me anymore because now, I do the dating thing. But at one point it was, until I realized what I was doing.

Some men though will never get it like the ones you talked about that text from outside. That's hilarious! I know the type and they are all too familiar to a lot of the women that I know...

Good post!

The Level of Ignance is Sometimes Astounding said...

i've had many discussions about this very same blog... so i felt obliged to comment...

to answer the original question - is chivalry dead? yes AND no.

there are some men that just don't pursue. whether they're lazy or they just don't...it's not a part of their game.

and then, there are other men that don't because we, as women, have stopped forcing them to do so. i'm a very aggressive person, and for a long time was inclined to speak to, holla at, start conversation with, any man i felt i wanted to. then, i took a step back and realized that...that is included in "pursuit" when we talk about a man's job. taking that even further, i recognize that any man that i'd want to be with, will be aggressive enough to step to me - if this is what he wants. now... i may still initiate conversation with a man, but, it's simply for conversation sake and nothing else.

he wants to come watch a movie - make him come during the day, after there has been plenty of prior activities where you have gotten to know each other sans a bedroom, and on a day where you have plans with the girls later on. set parameters...because they only do what we allow.

and then there are some that are inherently inclined to pursue, but because we are so used to the lack of effort, we don't sufficiently allow them to be men and do what should come natural to them. we don't wait for the door to be opened, we reach for our purse when the check comes, we arbitrarily buy a round, and we certainly don't allow them to just do what they volunteer to do without questioning, offering to help, etc.

said all that to say, if we want to be pursued, we have to put ourselves in a position to be the pursue-ee, and that means evaluating what we want them to do and not compromising what we want, despite when our inner slutbucket tells us otherwise.

Freckles said...

Della, you know your vents, rants and/or comments are always welcome. ALWAYS!!! I love the dialogue. I will agree that Lust is a large factor but I do not think that it is all the man's fault. Men can only do what we allow them to do. This thought goes into part 2.

Traci, I have been that girl too. I had been overly comfortable with letting dude's hang at my place too but then the wrong came by and he wasnt even an option so I have learned my lesson. I hold myself in higher regard now - totally.

Ms. Level - it's wonderful to hear from you and I totally agree with you. Some of this willbe includded in my part 2 but I am going to have to take a break because allof this relationship talk is on my nerves. There are just some other things that I need to focus on. Anyhoo - there is a definite need for parameters. Until we as women pay uphold our self worth who are we to be pissy about how men treat us. I say that lightly because some women dont know any better. It's sad but whwen you know better you do better.

PS. I am oftenin battle with my inner slutbucket - LOL!!!

UglyCleanBroke87 said...

I feel like you read my mind with this post. I have been asking myself the exact same question for the past several weeks. Right now I am dealing with a guy who constantly texts/calls me to ask when we are going to "hang out" and I know that "hanging out" is code for ME driving to HIS house to "watch movies." He's a sweet guy, but I can't help but wonder why there has never been an offer to go out somewhere. I have never been the "easy" type of girl so I don't feel that I'm giving off that vibe. I think this whole concept of just "chilling" with someone has been embedded into society, and it's true what the other commenters said, that we as women don't demand more.

I know for myself I somewhat feel the reluctance of coming off as a "golddigger" by wanting to be taken out to dinner or a movie, because I am the type that can--and will--pay for my own meal and entertainment. But damn, can I at least get something from the dollar menu to show that you're putting in SOME effort? And that texting when you said you were going to call thing irks the shit out of me too. Small details like that speak volumes about a person's character.

JStar said...

I agree with you on this one!


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