May 28: What Stresses Me Off

I’m too blessed to be stressed, right?  Well my spiritual self knows this but in my humanness there are a few things that stress me out… (in no particular order)

·         My Faith – sometimes I am conflicted. I know better but in moments it just seems or feels kind of stifled.  I trust and believe in Him so much. I know He has me in spite of me.  For that I am so grateful.  I am working on being a better woman and a better Christian.  There are times that I fall short but I am a work in progress.  I think I just need to believe in me more and seek Him more.

·         Things (Situations) that I cannot control. 

·         My current situation. I want so much more for me and though I know God is moving and He will move in His time. I sometimes tend to get a little anxious and somewhat overwhelmed.

·         My desires not being met.

·         LOVE.

·         Hope and my Heart.  I struggle with my hope in the greater good.

·         Not being able to hear my Daddy’s voice and sometimes I stress over how much I miss him.  In those times I get overwhelmed and I don’t really have an outlet.  It has been almost two years and it sometimes doesn’t seem to easier.

·         Not letting the past go.

·         My weight – It’s a struggle for me and has been.  I am not as disciplined as I should be nor am I always as focused.  I do not want to go back to the way I was.

·         Ants. I cannot stand those boogers and when they get into everything and you have to try to get them cleared out. Then you feel like they are crawling all over you. Gracious.

·         Inconsiderate and inconsistent behaviors – again things that I cannot control.

·         Temptation.

Rest In Paradise Brothers and Sisters

This Christmas...

New pajamas. Candy filled stockings. Jingle Bells. Snowflakes and Snow Angels. Christmas Trees dressed in lights and tinsel. Santa Hats and holiday sweaters. Cookies for Santa. Anticipation of the much regarded Christmas list. Rolls of wrapping paper and lots of tape. Trying to stay up as late as possible in hopes of seeing Santa Clause or Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Waking up as early as possible Christmas morning to see Barbie’s dream house, playhouses and kitchens, bikes and motor classic cars. Video Cameras catching all the excitement. New clothes. New toys. Anxiously waiting the opportunity to get out to be amongst the neighborhood friends comparing and contrasting gifts.

All the excitement. All the joy. All the love.

Christmas just isn’t what it use to be for me but I still have FAITH, HOPE and LOVE. It no longer has much anticipation for me but it is still Christmas and like each day I am thankful for the time and do my best to TRUST in my FAITH and BELIEVE in what this time really means to me. It is not so much about the presents but more so of a time to appreciate, reflect and love those closest to me. I have a new appreciation for life this Christmas. There are many that were present last year that are no longer. Someone knows the feeling of missing someone that use to once share this day with all the joy, love and anticipation. Someone knows the emptiness that is felt missing someone that you love and wanting nothong more than to have them back.  I MISS MY DADDY ON THIS DAY as well as every other. To those people I pray your strength, comfort and peace in knowing that you were loved and blessed to have had that love as well as that person. It is alot easier said than done but TRUST and BELIEVE that your FAITH can move mountains.  I am thankful to be working and to be able to do more than what I could for my family and friends than last year. I am thankful to just to wake up in my right mind when I sometimes feel overwhelmed with all the matters of my heart. This Christmas I am with my family. I am able to love on them and still grieve comfortably but still be able to smile. This year we are blessed with our new little person (my sister’s daughter). My sister found out she was pregnant right before our daddy died. Life taken and given within the same year = Blessing. I still have HOPE and am learning to appreciate the little things. HOPE is real. Hold onto it as if it were your last breath. Each day is a blessing. Each moment is monumental. Don’t take for granted this day or any other after this one. Use this Christmas holiday and every day after to feel the genuine reason for the season. As long as God is still God…

Merry Christmas

Love like no other

and

do not forget to pay it forward.

Peace and Blessings,

Freckles

Sunday Morning: Thankfulness (continued)

Sunday morning I went to church and of course I was late. I am not very sure why since I was up and slept good the previous night. Whatever the reason, I was late (dressed very cute) which made me have to park in the parking lot up the street from the church. Thankfully it wasn't presently raining and not freezing so the walk was going to be pleasant. So, as I walked I noticed an older lady well seasoned woman walking behind me so I slowed my pace, so we would be walking together and struck up a conversation. We exchanged pleasantries of the weather not being as cold even though it had been raining and she complimented my boots, which were rather fantastic if I do say so myself but as we know it’s my thing, and that she was glad that she had some flats in the car so she could walk up to the church instead having to walk in her heels. We laughed. Anyways, she and I walked and conversed all the way to the church about how wonderful the combined service is and how it is nice to see the church completely full. As we got into the elevator I told her that this was one of my last Sundays and she inquired as to why I was leaving the church. So I briefly explained to her that I had been out of work for 6 months and that I was moving back to Los Angeles with my support system (my family) and get some help. She asked about me having family locally here in Atlanta. I responded with no but that I did move here with a friend and we had met some wonderful people at the church. She shared a story about her nephew who had recently bought a house and a newer car but had been laid off and she was concerned about him. Once we made it to the sanctuary, I told her to have a wonderful day and we split directions of the church. Once I made it to my seat (not in my favorite spot or pew and very far in the way back of the sanctuary) I recognized how much I was going to miss this church family. There were pleasant and concerned faces there, friendly gestures and warm spirits. This is the kind of church that just feels good and I have grown so much there. I began to tear a bit (because it is what I do, I cry). Tears of joy and thankfulness. I got it together as offering approached (we walk around) and as I made my way around and got settled I felt a tap on my shoulder, pulling my arm up and reaching for my hand. The lady that I walked to church with slid some money in my hand and closed it quickly saying that she wanted me to have this and that I made her morning. I humbling smiled and of course I teared up while expressing my gratitude.

I put the money in my purse and thanked God for her spirit and this church body. I do not even know the woman's name and I do not believe that I told her mine. I didn't feel as if I had done anything special or even said anything profound or worth any acknowledgment. All I did was be polite and carry on a possible 15 minute conversation with this nice woman on our way to church. How wonderful was it that it made her day and I was just trying to be polite and considerate.

No Gimmicks.

That moment was a blessing for me in a few different plateaus.  The main one being that God works in special ways to provide confirmations or just to let me know that He is there moving even when it seems that He has blinked. AWESOME! It was also confirmation of my character and the woman I striving to be. I want to be a respected woman by all but I especially appreciate a well-seasoned woman appreciating the woman that I am now. One of the others is that I had paid some bills and $20 was that is exactly what I needed.

Thankfulness.
I am thankful for the possibilities. The possibilities that God has in store for me as make changes in my life and allow Him to do all that He is doing in my life especially the little things. My spirit is full and my cup runneth over. I hope that all that read this will appreciate the little things in life and move past all of the worries of the past (yes, easier said than done). There are so many things to be thankful for and while it is not always possible to see the good in bad-know that there is always something in the works.

Peace, Blessings and Miracles,

Freckles

30: The Reinvention of Me

Yes, well I am so thankful and ready to let go of the woman that I was in my 20’s. My 20’s were full of growing pains and what we will call CHARACTER BUILDING EXPERIENCES. My 30s are going to be so much better. I plan on reinventing the woman I was in my 20s and here are a few things that I have realized.

Here is my Flirty 30 List:

1. I can truly say that I have seen God move in my life. There were several times in my 20s when I thought that I couldn’t make it or couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. He brought me through and is always in my corner – TRUST and FAITH.

2. I now like the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror and can say I love her.

3. Every time that I look in the mirror and see my daddy. I think about him and wonder if he is proud of me and I even stare in the mirror sometimes and feel him looking back at me. It brings me peace. When I lost my father, I lost a piece of me but the reflection in the mirror gives me hope in grief.

4. I am trying to find my passion as far as work but UNEMPLOYMENT will do that to you. I have worked and have had a wonderful career where I have made lots of people lots of money. I have learned a lot and taken good notes. I have also been unappreciated, overworked and underpaid but I have made some strong relationship too. However at this moment Freckles needs a job!

5. I now understand the saying be careful what you speak – as the journey to the 30 came about. I recognized that there were some things (love, people, feelings etc) that I was not going to take into 30. I said it and said it believing that it was going to be a grown up things that would just people and possibly some not so sexy habits. However I did not realize that it would be my father and my job. Both were very life changing and could not have imagined it was going to be like this but I will embrace this change and be a better woman because of it.

6. I am more like my mother and father than I would have ever expected. My mother is an awesome woman and I blessed that she is my mother. (thanks mom – she reads my blog too sometimes).

7. I enjoy taking pictures of myself at different angles and in different moments. I like to take pictures for sharing and some for private. Once upon a time I didn’t think that I was good enough, pretty enough or important enough but now I am and I am worthy. So now I suppose that it is why I love taking my picture of ME.

8. I LOVE Shoes!!! Stilleto Queen. I like them high, strappy and super sexy – however I have not had the opportunity to Get In but that is another conversation. (FULL TEETH SMILE) Shoes make me feel good. I have been through a multitude of sizes over the last 10 years. Again, my 20s – ugh! Ladies, check out my blog on that. I am sure that you will all feel me on that subject.

9. I try to keep a notebook in my purse at all times. Just in case I hear something or feel something worth possibly writing about. I have a number of topics that I would like to write about and keep them in my notebook with notes. It’s like carrying a baby. Some stories you have to nourish and hold onto until they are ready to deliver.

10. I have a hard time smiling through pain and not showing my emotions on my face. I hope that this is something that I will grow out of a bit in my 30s but I do see it happening anytime soon. I am going to work on controlling it better.

11. I am a recovering grudge holder. I have moment where I feel the way that I feel and have a hard time letting go. When I feel like I have been wronged I hold onto it even when the grudgee has moved on. I have let go of a lot of things that I tried to hold onto in my 20s. I am glad that they are not coming into my 30s.

12. I am sometimes overly flirtatious. Too sensual and too touchy feely. It sometimes turns into too sexual but that is possibly a blog within itself so I will leave that at that.

13. I am so blessed to be surrounded by good people. I mean truly genuine people that have loved me in spite of me.

14. It is very easy to be negative and often a little harder to be positive. I succumb to the negative sometimes but try to find a way to pass through it. There are so many things to be thankful for in life. The simple things like waking up and being able to do breath, walk, see or hear. I have often found myself concerned about what I do not have or cannot do. I lose sight of the little things. In my 30s I will be sure to speak what I am thankful for everyday.

15. I am a bit of an attention whore but DON’T JUDGE ME! Lol. It is not as bad as it use to be but it is what it is and I recognize this thing about me.

16. Flaws can be Fab – there will be a blog about this one day but right now it is still in the womb.

17. I am more in tune with my strengths and weaknesses than ever before.

18. I haven’t always loved me but growth is an amazing process.

19. I can appreciate finding love and losing love and I look forward to finding love again.

20. I don’t have a ticking clock and I have come to terms with it. I am not particularly desiring motherhood. My mother cannot appreciate this fact but not every little girl grows up to want to be a mother but I do want to be a wife. If the Lord blesses me with a husband it may be negotiable but other than that – I’m Good!

21. I believe in being discreet. It is not on the sneaky tip but there are something and situations that are not for all or anyone to know.

22. The truth sometimes hurts but does set you free. Once upon a time I was insecure and felt the need to be validated by things, people or titles. Once I accepted that it was not about the things or people and moreso of a need that I thought I needed – I was set free. It hurt and hurt other people but it’s not always about them.

23. I can no longer apologize for the past. It has happened and there is nothing I can do to change it. If I hold onto it any longer I will not be able to move forward.

24. I am entitled to feel how I feel. (as in period)

25. I am addicted to Facebook but having a hard time getting a handle on Twitter.

26. I often wonder if I will ever grow out of being boy/man crazy. I love men!!! Especially black men. I do not want to discriminate but I love brothas… mmmmmm!

27. I am still trying to let go of regret – this is a work in progress.

28. I love Charms blow pop. I believe that I have an oral fixation. It is mainly when I am drinking. I always have them in my purse.

29. When I love I love hard and don’t like my love to be mishandled but I am more open to it than some.

30. George Bernard Shaw said it best “Life isn’t finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself". I have never had a problem with turning 30 and in fact I embrace it. I believe that it will be a better than my 20s and I am going to be a better woman.

Dear Diary...

I am feeling me at the moment. Not in the crazy sexy cool sense at this time. So much has happened in around me. I am simply trying to find my way and my place in the thing we called life. If only it was as simple as the game. It too has twist and turns but it does not give the realistic emotions. It does not give you realistic expectations of success. Nor does it give you the impact of choices made that will break you down and make you feel like you are at the end of your rope. However you ALWAYS want to win.


MY LIFE: I am turning 30 in a weeks and it is a good thing but life is not how I had intended. In the last few months, I have been given another opportunity to see me transparently. It has not as pretty as I believe that I am. There is a difference between who you are and who you are striving to be. I have found myself in a dark place and often feel the desire to be alone not to spread my insecurities, negativities and my pain. These moments alone were once good but I have proven to be somewhat ugly. The ugly, dark me sometimes hovers over my spirit to steal my joy. My pain feels my heart and releases with hot tears. It lasts a bit too long and I can feel the enemy creeping in. I am constantly in battle with myself. There is no one or thing to blame or be mad at. I deal the best way I know how and it is not always the best but I move past the BS in attempt to encourage myself. Everything in dark must come to light and the storm always passes unless you decide to dwell.

In July my father passed after 15 years of suffering. He finally was called home to become brand new. I am so thankful that I had him. I learned a lot from him and now I as he is gone, I am learning so much from him. I am seeing my good with the bad. I am understanding my weakness in my strength (PRIDE). I miss him and hurt so bad but I am finding peace with him being gone. God is good. However it is a process that I deal with minute by minute and day to day. After losing my father I was lost my job. I was initially angry and thought that bitch that I worked for was heartless, which I still feel she is, but that is her business so it is what it is. I didn’t let it get me completely down but it sucked. It was my livelihood and I worked my ass off for her company. I was dedicated and diligent but I allowed my personal affect my profession and got caught slippin. I have had a dozen interviews and have yet to land a job. I know there is a plan for me but I have gotten too caught up in my emotions that I may not have heard what was being said. That is my weakness in my strength. I have closed myself off that it is sometimes unbearable for those that love me to be around me. I am trying to open back up so that I may receive whatever help comes my way. My heart though seems full is open for gifts of peace, contentment, guidance and promise. Sometimes we need to ask for a little help, some patience and courage to move forward in faith and sometimes we just have to let our “piece” be still so we can hear from the most high.

I am sure that this may not make sense to some but in my head it does. It just kind of feels good to share and express how I am feeling. It serves as a timeline so to speak. I look forward to looking back next month, next year and see where life’s journey takes me or where God puts me next. It is all a blessing and there is no testimony without a test. I can appreciate that I am not complacent and seeking elevation which will promote growth. This growth will get one step closer to the woman that I strive to be. Through it all I am feeling so thankful and absolutely blessed that the Lord saw me fit to go through this storm to find my peace and possibly my purpose. I am feeling a little better and not as defeated but sometimes we have to have it all taken in order to appreciate. I keep reminding myself not to be anxious and not to feel defeated. It is harder some days than others but luckily I know better so I try to do better.

Gee, I hope my 30’s are better than my 20’s… Lord willing.

Like some of my other blogs it may not be speak to the masses and I am ok with that. This is my place to purge, vent and share. Life isn’t always a detailed story or full of humor. There is always something with someone. Hearts ache and feel love no matter what the circumstance. As always it is what it is.

QUESTION OF THE MOMENT: How are you feeling about where you are in life and how transparent will you allow yourself to be?

sharing is caring but being yourself is priceless - Freckles

My PRIDE has been keeping me from PEACE

PRIDE: Definitions of pride on the Web:A feeling of self-respect and personal worth satisfaction with your (or another's) achievements; "he takes pride in his son's success"

the trait of being spurred on by a dislike of falling below your standards a group of lionsbe proud of; "He prides himself on making it into law school"

unreasonable and inordinate self-esteem (personified as one of the deadly sins) Pride is the cultivation, preservation or exalting of self. It is a protecting of self. Pride is commitment to self. It is building up ourselves in our own eyes or in the eyes of others. Pride is an excessive belief in one's superiority, worth, merit. Pride is a root cause of many sins.

I never truly considered myself a prideful person until recently. I am not the kind of person that likes to ask. I have a helping spirit. I do whatever I can for someone I care about and I do it without expectation. This attribute has been both a blessing and a curse. I do not know how to accept or ask for help. I do but it's an uncomfortable place for me especially right now. I am truly my father's daughter (mistaking my pride for weakness). I don't want to need help and surely don't want to ask for it but I am learning something new about myself at this time. You see, my current situation is a truly humbling place. I do not have a clear plan, I do not know where my next is coming from but I know that it is coming and my emotions are haywire. I can sincerely say that this character building experience is truly testing my faith and to be honest, for a moment I thought that I was in danger of failing (one of my absolute fears has been failure but faith...)

I got caught up in the woe is me, Lord don’t you see, God do you hear me and oh Jesus did you blink (thanks EC). I almost let the devil see me slipping but there is a place... I almost let him steal my joy. I almost gave up. But God saw otherwise.... Thank you. Through it all - I am blessed and yes I am going through but you cannot come out until you are through. I know that but I truly understand it right now at this moment. God has chosen me to go through this so that I can share this with someone or help someone that is going through worse or even less and I am going to have an awesome testimony.

God works in awesome ways. He sends angels to encourage you when you are having a hard time encouraging yourself. He sends you angels to show you when you cannot step outside of yourself. An angel was sent to me yesterday sharing a few thoughts, concerns and confirmations. She said some things to me that I had only shared with God - thank you Lord and I hear you. She reminded me that pride and peace conflict and that I need to let go of my pride. She shared that she had been praying for me through her own struggles in life. How wonderful is that and how blessed am I that someone had me on their mind and took the time to pray for me - I use to love to sing that song in church but I never truly knew what it meant until this very second. I am so thankful that she has been praying. You never know how is truly praying for you or in your corner when you are all caught up in your own issues. Sometimes your issues are not about you and sometimes you are suppose to truly endure the storm so you can know what your faith is (thanks mom). I hear you now and I am listening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qu1MNU08Au0 Lord let your will be done and please keep me sane in the meantime. Lord, give me the peace to surpass all understanding and truly praise you through the storm. I am feeling so many different things right now and I do not want to miss anything from you. Sometimes I feel like I don't hear you Lord but then you sent me an angel that eased my pain with confirmation from you. Thank you Father for the ability to hear what you provided. Thank you for the simple things (breathing, walking, thinking, seeing... all things taken for granted) and Lord, I thank you for giving daddy a new home with a new body. Father it's been hard for me but you have blessed me through month #2 and I am so thankful for your grace and mercy. I am thankful for his life and I am thankful that there is no more suffering. Father God, keep me close as I meditate on Philipians 4:6-9 - this is my scripture. It worked before and I believe it to be true. Now Father, I pray for each person that reads this transparent moment. Lord I pray that you will touch each life. Provide each with the peace, comfort, guidance and/or desire of their hearts. Let them be encouraged that we are all faced with challenges but that you are a God of hope and gratefulness. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you've got it. Lord I thank as I know it's already taken care of. Thank You Lord. Amen.

Just For Today!

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess abouttomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try toovercome all of my problems at once.I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine. JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot. JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought andconcentration. I will not be a mental loafer. JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. Iwill improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybodybut myself. JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully -- if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block. JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

Prayer of Saint Francis:"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

"Where there is injury, pardon;

"Where there is doubt, faith;"Where there is despair, hope;

"Where there is darkness, light;

"Where there is sadness, joy;

"O Divine Master, grant that I may not as much seek tobe consoled as to console;"To be loved as to love."For it is in giving that we are pardoned;"It is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

Amen.

Speak What You Seek

And God said, 'Let there be light', and there waslight" (Genesis 1:3).

God wanted there to be light, so He spoke it intoexistence. He wanted there to be water, land, and plants, so He declared them to be. Did you know, as a believer, that same creative power lives inside of youby the Holy Spirit? What are you speaking intoexistence in your life? Are you declaring the truth of God's Word that says you are the head and not the tail- that you are above only and not beneath? Listen tothe words that come out of your mouth and speak what you seek! If you seek good health, declare that God isyour Healer and that you will live strong and healthyall the days of your life. If you need provision forsomething, declare that God is your Provider. Be proactive and speak peace into your home. Speak God's protection over your family. Speak favor over your job. Decide and declare that today will be your best day to the Glory of God!

"KEEP THEM IN YOUR MOUTH"

How many of us, whenever we go through our moments of trial, disappointment, frustrations, fear, anxiety, heartache, heart break, and every other type of situation in our lives, were able to change our situations by feeling sorry for ourselves and complaining? The answer, of course, is none. The onlyway to see our way through these situations is to praise God. Whenever the enemy comes against us like a flood, we need to arm ourselves with the word of God. Not only are we to hide it in our hearts, we are tospeak it against every attack that the enemy throws against us. When we keep these two things in our mouths, as well as our hearts, we will be victorious in our walk of faith.

1 Month In and About Ready to Go Forward with Faith

So yesterday made 1 month of my father’s passing and I am at cross road. I am now ok and have come to terms with him being gone but there are still good days and bad days. I had a long conversation with someone the other day and it was brought to my attention that I may be trying to dwell in my grief. I initially got defensive and stated that they had their nerve. He was my daddy. He was very much involved in my life and was always good to me. I never had to question his love for me. The person quickly apologized and simply stated that I may not be dealing with the his death as much as I would like to believe and that I need to deal with all the feelings came with his passing. After I barked at this person and went on. I reflected.

To a certain extent they were right. I have to let go of all the emotions that go along with daddy being gone. It’s ok for me to be mad, guilty, sad and lonely. It’s ok that I feel all the things that I feel but I can’t eternalize these emotions and continue to own them. I have to get to a point where I decide that I have to move on and trust that God will give me comfort. I believe that God is going to provide me all that I need but I am going to have to let go and let God.

I am not saying that I am not going to still hurt because I do but I have to let go of some of this other stuff in order for God to be able to meet my needs. This is so much easier said than done but I am praying for guidance and I know that there are people praying for me too. It also helps to write and get all of this stuff out. God is amazing in that way. When I don’t think that I can hear him He send people to encourage you and share His blessings with you and even provides confirmation. I am so thankful for that.

So, Daddy I am glad that you are finally at peace and I am going to do my best to make you proud of me after all I am blessed to see you every time I look in the mirror.

So, Thank you to all with much thanks filling my heart for good people in my life that offer a word of encouragement, a piece of concern and prayer for my comfort. It goes a lot further than words may ever be able to express.

Comforting Peace and Faithful Blessings,

Freckles

If I needed you to replenish my faith in brothas - Could you?

If I needed you to replenish my faith in brothas

Could you do it?

Well… Could you??? Not that I don’t have much faith in brothas but I am curious to know if I am worth you restoring my faith… I believe that I am. Hmmmm… I do not think that I am asking too much of any man. Would you be the man that I need you to be to me and for me? Will you share your heart with me? Will you share your aspirations, motivation and inspirations? Will you give me you? Could you make me feel…? BACKGROUND: Once upon a time men and women courted one another. There was a time when the little things made a difference. What happened to that? We identify one another by status, organizations, education, beliefs. I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone else… but I am tryin to pull it out o my head clearly. Ok. There was a time when a woman’s worth was priceless. Like property, some women do not recognize their worth and just settle to exist in this world… (Bringing down the property value). Always those few that do not appreciate a man that does great things to fulfill happiness. Saying that to say. I was sitting at my desk listening to Jill Scott (Who Is Jill Scott?: Words and Sounds, Vol. 1). Yes I am still bumpin that CD. It was a great CD. Now that I can appreciate love, thoughts and emotions little more. I am really feeling it. But really… as I was saying… I was listening to Jill and one of the songs near the end of the CD came on… “Show Me”. This song sort of got me today. I finally listened to the words. I am one to always feel inspired by lyrics or poetry. I love the possibilities of thoughts or each person’s point of view. There is something magical about us reading the same line and getting something totally different from it…. SIDETRACKED. Constantly talkin' bout how muchYou love me want me need meYou told me stop talkin'.No more conversation necessary The words spoke to me differently today. In reflection with my dealings with men (black men), I have learned that there are things that are discussed in the beginning. Some of us (women) say what we believe to be the right things at the moment and not necessarily our truth as we see it but we want the man. We have an expectation of we want of brothas. I have always tried to be upfront and honest in most instances. The few times that love crossed my path, it felt good and special but never truly spiritual now that I think back. I tend to give me all to a man. Not necessarily a bad thing but when it is not reciprocated… Again, I say, I am not sure if this makes since to anyone else but… we shall see. When I love. I love hard. When I want you part of my world, I attempt not to question it. When I am involved with a brotha… it is never a question as to how I feel. I tend to sometimes wear my emotions on my sleeve. At this point in my life, as for relationships are concerned - I am not settling. I can not tell a man how to be a man nor can I tell a man how to be my man. He has to show me. If you love me and truly believe that you love me, show me. If you love me, really love me, there should not be any issue with letting me really know you – giving me the opportunity to love you back. Have you ever been so into someone that you can feel them when they are way? MAGICAL, right??? Then compare that to being so into someone that only give you a little bit. Only lets you in a little bit. So into someone that holds back from you…

Jill sings…Your word is love but you push me Away and won't say whyYou show me your exterior I need toSee your interiorI needs to beAbsolutely clear wit cha if we areTo eva stand a chanceIt's the last dance. Don't cha see? Show me the warrior you're born to be

If you love me like you say that you do, there should be no problem fighting for our love right??? I mean really… Is some love really worth fighting for? Is that truly part of the foundation? When building a house, they clear the place of whatever was there first, and then they prepare the ground for the cement. The preparation is hard. It is full digging through all the matter that has grown tough and hard like old clay. After all that has been dug up and prepared – then the new foundation is poured, the cement. It takes some time for that to dry and get hard but once it does it ready for the house to be built on top of it. If you have ever paid attention, the development of the ground takes the longest to get together.

RELATIONSHIPS – I believe are the same way. It takes some time to get through the baggage then once you move past that it takes some time to get to know w person. You learn them and their ways. If you are blessed to make through that time then you are ready to build your house. So through all of that… Isn’t it worth having your home? Something that you call your own. You love it… right??? You do whatever you can to make it better. Why not the same care for a mate??? If I, being the woman that I am honest with a man, truly honest. Then there is an opportunity to succeed. If I am not feeling a return on my investment, where does that leave me? MY REFLECTION: If you love me and you want to be with me. You love with all my faults… truly believe in what are developing. What is the problem with letting me in your world? It should be time out for what you want me to see. Here I am – nakedly me with all my faults and potential. Where are you?

Anything worth having is worth working for and it sure is not free.