Sunday, April 12, 2009

Overly Underwhelmed

With the mouth that I have and as blunt as I would like to believe that I am. I can’t seem to master the ability to say this to your face. I just know that I need share it with someone, get out and release it so I can begin the purge process, so why not a bunch of strangers. The kind of people that don’t have the right to judge me but even if they do, I don’t know them and nor do I have to look them in their eyes so that they can see all that I feel in my tears. I hold you, your thoughts, your feelings, your ambition, your lust and your passion close along with your lack of drive, all of your pride and that sad excuse for love that you may have for me. We go day by day after all this time together but yet I feel empty. I give all that I can to you and for you. I embrace your dreams and your hope and try to do all I can to uplift you, encourage you and keep you on focused. I am so busy loving and caring and trying to be all for you that I lose track of my own happiness and what I need for me. How long must I set myself aside and possibly miss out on someone that may be for me for the fact that I love you more than it seems that you love yourself. Rhetorical. Day after day I love you regardless of you being mine to love. I love you regardless of what it has cost. I try to love you enough to compensate for this world that is so cruel and seems too unfair to you so you think. I love until it hurts when I don’t know if you are ok because you are not answering the phone when I am calling. Not know where you are, if something has happened or if your karma has caught up with you. I love you until it hurts from worry and tears that wet my pillow where I lay scared that something has happened to you or wondering how I can help you. My tears have filled and now my cup runneth over. It’s time for a release but I can’t seem to let go. I love you and it hurts so badly when once upon a time it was so good and it gave me multiples. When fucking you made me feel close and safe and that it was us sharing our love with each other. Now I can’t seem to release. Release all the emotions, thoughts feelings that hold me hostage to you. I can’t let go and it hurts so bad. I love you so much that pray for you almost more than I pray for myself as if my salvation is enough for the both of us. All of this and for what? I cannot seem to get a return on my investment and now I can’t seem to let go but now you are leaving. It hurts as bad as I feel the words of Ms. Hill and it coincides with Jill’s slowly surely. Slowly surely. Slowly surely. I must walk away. If only you believed in you as I believe in you and you would see yourself worth as I see that loving you has always been worth it even though you have never been mine to love. I try to love you enough for the both us but it turns out that it is never really enough. Woe is me and I can stand this shit and all I really want you to do is man up but again I love you as you are full of flaw and with too much love for them same streets that keep me up at night worried about you and knowing that you may not even be thinking about me. How long do I compromise my heart and my happiness for love that only truly exist in my heart alone and empty all by myself? The kind of love I do not deserve but hold onto because it’s apart of you and I settle to have a piece of you with no true purpose. My love for you is bottomless and is years and years and years long with no real purpose or desire but it has been passionate and it has been full of fireworks and it penetrates me deep to climax each and every time. Thank goodness but at the end of the day there is no true release and even after I cum my love is still with me and I am still alone trying to maintain what I hope we will be or what we have in my fantasy world but now this is reality and the this love hurts and it is one sided and I can’t carry the burden for the both of us. It’s not fair and it’s not enough. So now as you go and give up on yourself and give up on us, know that once you leave, you cannot come back, I am closed and there will be no more. This is your decision and I need you say good bye and let me go so that we can conclude this novel. All of the chapters have been written and the preface did not have enough detail. This story must come to an end with no happy ending. The curtain must fall and I will watch you exit stage left. I cry and reflect on the fact that there is not wrong or any right, no fault, no good or bad involved. We are just two hearts on different beats to different tunes no longer playing together in harmony. I sit here purging. Letting go of all the things of my heart for you and the love is still there but this is confirmation that it has never been enough. You have to love love before you can love me but you need to love yourself before that. I love you but it’s not enough and I know that but through it all it doesn’t make me stop loving you. Love loving you and being in love with the thought of you loving me back, the way that I need you too-unconditional and unquestioned and uncompromising. Loving you has not always been easy and there is times when it beautiful. I love how you look when you are feeling my love and we are making love and you are just being my lover - Over and over and over. But again, it’s not enough and it’s ok. I am ok and in fact I am thankful for the opportunity to love and hope that one day it will love me back in a way that does not hurt. One day it will be my turn but now that I am letting you go maybe it will find me. That love that I work so hard to have and to keep. That love that feels natural and affectionate and habitual and powerful. One day, I will win and love will love me back.
Feeling Love, Doubt and Curiousity.

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