30: The Reinvention of Me

Yes, well I am so thankful and ready to let go of the woman that I was in my 20’s. My 20’s were full of growing pains and what we will call CHARACTER BUILDING EXPERIENCES. My 30s are going to be so much better. I plan on reinventing the woman I was in my 20s and here are a few things that I have realized.

Here is my Flirty 30 List:

1. I can truly say that I have seen God move in my life. There were several times in my 20s when I thought that I couldn’t make it or couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. He brought me through and is always in my corner – TRUST and FAITH.

2. I now like the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror and can say I love her.

3. Every time that I look in the mirror and see my daddy. I think about him and wonder if he is proud of me and I even stare in the mirror sometimes and feel him looking back at me. It brings me peace. When I lost my father, I lost a piece of me but the reflection in the mirror gives me hope in grief.

4. I am trying to find my passion as far as work but UNEMPLOYMENT will do that to you. I have worked and have had a wonderful career where I have made lots of people lots of money. I have learned a lot and taken good notes. I have also been unappreciated, overworked and underpaid but I have made some strong relationship too. However at this moment Freckles needs a job!

5. I now understand the saying be careful what you speak – as the journey to the 30 came about. I recognized that there were some things (love, people, feelings etc) that I was not going to take into 30. I said it and said it believing that it was going to be a grown up things that would just people and possibly some not so sexy habits. However I did not realize that it would be my father and my job. Both were very life changing and could not have imagined it was going to be like this but I will embrace this change and be a better woman because of it.

6. I am more like my mother and father than I would have ever expected. My mother is an awesome woman and I blessed that she is my mother. (thanks mom – she reads my blog too sometimes).

7. I enjoy taking pictures of myself at different angles and in different moments. I like to take pictures for sharing and some for private. Once upon a time I didn’t think that I was good enough, pretty enough or important enough but now I am and I am worthy. So now I suppose that it is why I love taking my picture of ME.

8. I LOVE Shoes!!! Stilleto Queen. I like them high, strappy and super sexy – however I have not had the opportunity to Get In but that is another conversation. (FULL TEETH SMILE) Shoes make me feel good. I have been through a multitude of sizes over the last 10 years. Again, my 20s – ugh! Ladies, check out my blog on that. I am sure that you will all feel me on that subject.

9. I try to keep a notebook in my purse at all times. Just in case I hear something or feel something worth possibly writing about. I have a number of topics that I would like to write about and keep them in my notebook with notes. It’s like carrying a baby. Some stories you have to nourish and hold onto until they are ready to deliver.

10. I have a hard time smiling through pain and not showing my emotions on my face. I hope that this is something that I will grow out of a bit in my 30s but I do see it happening anytime soon. I am going to work on controlling it better.

11. I am a recovering grudge holder. I have moment where I feel the way that I feel and have a hard time letting go. When I feel like I have been wronged I hold onto it even when the grudgee has moved on. I have let go of a lot of things that I tried to hold onto in my 20s. I am glad that they are not coming into my 30s.

12. I am sometimes overly flirtatious. Too sensual and too touchy feely. It sometimes turns into too sexual but that is possibly a blog within itself so I will leave that at that.

13. I am so blessed to be surrounded by good people. I mean truly genuine people that have loved me in spite of me.

14. It is very easy to be negative and often a little harder to be positive. I succumb to the negative sometimes but try to find a way to pass through it. There are so many things to be thankful for in life. The simple things like waking up and being able to do breath, walk, see or hear. I have often found myself concerned about what I do not have or cannot do. I lose sight of the little things. In my 30s I will be sure to speak what I am thankful for everyday.

15. I am a bit of an attention whore but DON’T JUDGE ME! Lol. It is not as bad as it use to be but it is what it is and I recognize this thing about me.

16. Flaws can be Fab – there will be a blog about this one day but right now it is still in the womb.

17. I am more in tune with my strengths and weaknesses than ever before.

18. I haven’t always loved me but growth is an amazing process.

19. I can appreciate finding love and losing love and I look forward to finding love again.

20. I don’t have a ticking clock and I have come to terms with it. I am not particularly desiring motherhood. My mother cannot appreciate this fact but not every little girl grows up to want to be a mother but I do want to be a wife. If the Lord blesses me with a husband it may be negotiable but other than that – I’m Good!

21. I believe in being discreet. It is not on the sneaky tip but there are something and situations that are not for all or anyone to know.

22. The truth sometimes hurts but does set you free. Once upon a time I was insecure and felt the need to be validated by things, people or titles. Once I accepted that it was not about the things or people and moreso of a need that I thought I needed – I was set free. It hurt and hurt other people but it’s not always about them.

23. I can no longer apologize for the past. It has happened and there is nothing I can do to change it. If I hold onto it any longer I will not be able to move forward.

24. I am entitled to feel how I feel. (as in period)

25. I am addicted to Facebook but having a hard time getting a handle on Twitter.

26. I often wonder if I will ever grow out of being boy/man crazy. I love men!!! Especially black men. I do not want to discriminate but I love brothas… mmmmmm!

27. I am still trying to let go of regret – this is a work in progress.

28. I love Charms blow pop. I believe that I have an oral fixation. It is mainly when I am drinking. I always have them in my purse.

29. When I love I love hard and don’t like my love to be mishandled but I am more open to it than some.

30. George Bernard Shaw said it best “Life isn’t finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself". I have never had a problem with turning 30 and in fact I embrace it. I believe that it will be a better than my 20s and I am going to be a better woman.

Dear Diary...

I am feeling me at the moment. Not in the crazy sexy cool sense at this time. So much has happened in around me. I am simply trying to find my way and my place in the thing we called life. If only it was as simple as the game. It too has twist and turns but it does not give the realistic emotions. It does not give you realistic expectations of success. Nor does it give you the impact of choices made that will break you down and make you feel like you are at the end of your rope. However you ALWAYS want to win.


MY LIFE: I am turning 30 in a weeks and it is a good thing but life is not how I had intended. In the last few months, I have been given another opportunity to see me transparently. It has not as pretty as I believe that I am. There is a difference between who you are and who you are striving to be. I have found myself in a dark place and often feel the desire to be alone not to spread my insecurities, negativities and my pain. These moments alone were once good but I have proven to be somewhat ugly. The ugly, dark me sometimes hovers over my spirit to steal my joy. My pain feels my heart and releases with hot tears. It lasts a bit too long and I can feel the enemy creeping in. I am constantly in battle with myself. There is no one or thing to blame or be mad at. I deal the best way I know how and it is not always the best but I move past the BS in attempt to encourage myself. Everything in dark must come to light and the storm always passes unless you decide to dwell.

In July my father passed after 15 years of suffering. He finally was called home to become brand new. I am so thankful that I had him. I learned a lot from him and now I as he is gone, I am learning so much from him. I am seeing my good with the bad. I am understanding my weakness in my strength (PRIDE). I miss him and hurt so bad but I am finding peace with him being gone. God is good. However it is a process that I deal with minute by minute and day to day. After losing my father I was lost my job. I was initially angry and thought that bitch that I worked for was heartless, which I still feel she is, but that is her business so it is what it is. I didn’t let it get me completely down but it sucked. It was my livelihood and I worked my ass off for her company. I was dedicated and diligent but I allowed my personal affect my profession and got caught slippin. I have had a dozen interviews and have yet to land a job. I know there is a plan for me but I have gotten too caught up in my emotions that I may not have heard what was being said. That is my weakness in my strength. I have closed myself off that it is sometimes unbearable for those that love me to be around me. I am trying to open back up so that I may receive whatever help comes my way. My heart though seems full is open for gifts of peace, contentment, guidance and promise. Sometimes we need to ask for a little help, some patience and courage to move forward in faith and sometimes we just have to let our “piece” be still so we can hear from the most high.

I am sure that this may not make sense to some but in my head it does. It just kind of feels good to share and express how I am feeling. It serves as a timeline so to speak. I look forward to looking back next month, next year and see where life’s journey takes me or where God puts me next. It is all a blessing and there is no testimony without a test. I can appreciate that I am not complacent and seeking elevation which will promote growth. This growth will get one step closer to the woman that I strive to be. Through it all I am feeling so thankful and absolutely blessed that the Lord saw me fit to go through this storm to find my peace and possibly my purpose. I am feeling a little better and not as defeated but sometimes we have to have it all taken in order to appreciate. I keep reminding myself not to be anxious and not to feel defeated. It is harder some days than others but luckily I know better so I try to do better.

Gee, I hope my 30’s are better than my 20’s… Lord willing.

Like some of my other blogs it may not be speak to the masses and I am ok with that. This is my place to purge, vent and share. Life isn’t always a detailed story or full of humor. There is always something with someone. Hearts ache and feel love no matter what the circumstance. As always it is what it is.

QUESTION OF THE MOMENT: How are you feeling about where you are in life and how transparent will you allow yourself to be?

sharing is caring but being yourself is priceless - Freckles