Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dear Diary...

I am feeling me at the moment. Not in the crazy sexy cool sense at this time. So much has happened in around me. I am simply trying to find my way and my place in the thing we called life. If only it was as simple as the game. It too has twist and turns but it does not give the realistic emotions. It does not give you realistic expectations of success. Nor does it give you the impact of choices made that will break you down and make you feel like you are at the end of your rope. However you ALWAYS want to win.

MY LIFE: I am turning 30 in a weeks and it is a good thing but life is not how I had intended. In the last few months, I have been given another opportunity to see me transparently. It has not as pretty as I believe that I am. There is a difference between who you are and who you are striving to be. I have found myself in a dark place and often feel the desire to be alone not to spread my insecurities, negativities and my pain. These moments alone were once good but I have proven to be somewhat ugly. The ugly, dark me sometimes hovers over my spirit to steal my joy. My pain feels my heart and releases with hot tears. It lasts a bit too long and I can feel the enemy creeping in. I am constantly in battle with myself. There is no one or thing to blame or be mad at. I deal the best way I know how and it is not always the best but I move past the BS in attempt to encourage myself. Everything in dark must come to light and the storm always passes unless you decide to dwell.

In July my father passed after 15 years of suffering. He finally was called home to become brand new. I am so thankful that I had him. I learned a lot from him and now I as he is gone, I am learning so much from him. I am seeing my good with the bad. I am understanding my weakness in my strength (PRIDE). I miss him and hurt so bad but I am finding peace with him being gone. God is good. However it is a process that I deal with minute by minute and day to day. After losing my father I was lost my job. I was initially angry and thought that bitch that I worked for was heartless, which I still feel she is, but that is her business so it is what it is. I didn’t let it get me completely down but it sucked. It was my livelihood and I worked my ass off for her company. I was dedicated and diligent but I allowed my personal affect my profession and got caught slippin. I have had a dozen interviews and have yet to land a job. I know there is a plan for me but I have gotten too caught up in my emotions that I may not have heard what was being said. That is my weakness in my strength. I have closed myself off that it is sometimes unbearable for those that love me to be around me. I am trying to open back up so that I may receive whatever help comes my way. My heart though seems full is open for gifts of peace, contentment, guidance and promise. Sometimes we need to ask for a little help, some patience and courage to move forward in faith and sometimes we just have to let our “piece” be still so we can hear from the most high.

I am sure that this may not make sense to some but in my head it does. It just kind of feels good to share and express how I am feeling. It serves as a timeline so to speak. I look forward to looking back next month, next year and see where life’s journey takes me or where God puts me next. It is all a blessing and there is no testimony without a test. I can appreciate that I am not complacent and seeking elevation which will promote growth. This growth will get one step closer to the woman that I strive to be. Through it all I am feeling so thankful and absolutely blessed that the Lord saw me fit to go through this storm to find my peace and possibly my purpose. I am feeling a little better and not as defeated but sometimes we have to have it all taken in order to appreciate. I keep reminding myself not to be anxious and not to feel defeated. It is harder some days than others but luckily I know better so I try to do better.
Gee, I hope my 30’s are better than my 20’s… Lord willing.
Like some of my other blogs it may not be speak to the masses and I am ok with that. This is my place to purge, vent and share. Life isn’t always a detailed story or full of humor. There is always something with someone. Hearts ache and feel love no matter what the circumstance. As always it is what it is.

QUESTION OF THE MOMENT: How are you feeling about where you are in life and how transparent will you allow yourself to be?

sharing is caring but being yourself is priceless - Freckles


E's said...

You getting some therapy out on the page huh? I hope it helps. I just stumbled upon your blog here. Sorry to hear about your dad...

I'll read on. Thanks for being so open.

Freckles said...

E, thanks for reading. I have my moments of transparency. You never know what someone else is going through and may notbe able to articulate it so...

I talk about all kinds of stuff here. I hope that you will come back and check it out.

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