Wednesday, January 25, 2012

30 Day Blog Challenge Day #18: Something I Crave

Something I Crave

2 years ago my daddy died.  A week after we buried him, I lost my job.  I picked up part time jobs and worked out all the time to hold it together.  That is the year that I turned 30 but it did not seem to happy.  6 months after that I moved back to Los Angeles from Atlanta.  My mother said that I needed to deal with everything and get myself back together.  Thankful for my mother.  My heart has been broken yet to mend but the days have gotten easier.  I do not cry everyday anymore but when I do cry... Some days are just better than others.  Once back in LA, I worked a plethora of temp jobs while going to countless interviews with no avail.  Then I did not work for 6 months.  Nothing.  Not working and being alone will play on your psyche.  I ended up getting a permanent part time job which I am grateful to have but it is not ideal.  The struggle is a little different.  However the light is now flickering.  My living situation has changed and its for the best but now I lack space but its for the best.  New Year's Eve my paternal grandmother died.  In that instant I felt that heartbreak again.  My chest hurts and the pain lingers.  I was unable to attend due to my finances but I was able to go half on my sister's ticket which was the brighter side.  right?  I am glad that I spoke to her and she knew that I loved her.  She told me how much she loved me too.  I didnt know then but now I see it was the final goodbye.  I wish that I would have been able to speak to my daddy and tell him that I love him ( amongst other things).  I wish there was some sort of goodbye.  I hold some guilt (which use to be alot of guilt) with my grief that I sometimes dont let me off the hook for.  There are moments when I feel more than inadequate if there is such a thing.  I am not utilizing my potential.  I am not where I figure that I am suppose to be in my life - well more so where I want to be since apparently this is my plan.  My emotions are up and down and I sometimes feel the need to pull away from those that love me most. I know there has got to be light at the end but as of now its just flickering. Of course there are people that are going through a lot more and have a lot less but sometimes I cant care about them because I am only thinking about me.  (kind of ugly and selfish, huh?) Sometimes in reflection I wonder what God really has in store for me and what it is that He wants me to learn.  Ive been in this holding pattern for a long time and yet in still I am still blessed. (thankful)  I sometimes I am not able to be thankful that He chose me to go through this all right now bute in the large scope of things I am.   sometimes dont know what to pray for so I just thank Him.  My HOPE gives me FAITH that all shall come pass. Learning to PATIENT though sometimes I feel like I am failing.  Honestly right now all I crave is PEACE.


DianaBoss said...

Thinking of yourself right now is NOT NOT NOT UGLY AND SELFISH! To decide to do that is a strong and smart thing to do! Please nuture yourself. Allow youself to go through every emotion you need to in order to find your peace.

Reggie said...

Sometimes it would seem that life is pain.

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