Something I Crave
2 years ago my daddy died. A week after we buried him, I lost my job. I picked up part time jobs and worked out all the time to hold it together. That is the year that I turned 30 but it did not seem to happy. 6 months after that I moved back to Los Angeles from Atlanta. My mother said that I needed to deal with everything and get myself back together. Thankful for my mother. My heart has been broken yet to mend but the days have gotten easier. I do not cry everyday anymore but when I do cry... Some days are just better than others. Once back in LA, I worked a plethora of temp jobs while going to countless interviews with no avail. Then I did not work for 6 months. Nothing. Not working and being alone will play on your psyche. I ended up getting a permanent part time job which I am grateful to have but it is not ideal. The struggle is a little different. However the light is now flickering. My living situation has changed and its for the best but now I lack space but its for the best. New Year's Eve my paternal grandmother died. In that instant I felt that heartbreak again. My chest hurts and the pain lingers. I was unable to attend due to my finances but I was able to go half on my sister's ticket which was the brighter side. right? I am glad that I spoke to her and she knew that I loved her. She told me how much she loved me too. I didnt know then but now I see it was the final goodbye. I wish that I would have been able to speak to my daddy and tell him that I love him ( amongst other things). I wish there was some sort of goodbye. I hold some guilt (which use to be alot of guilt) with my grief that I sometimes dont let me off the hook for. There are moments when I feel more than inadequate if there is such a thing. I am not utilizing my potential. I am not where I figure that I am suppose to be in my life - well more so where I want to be since apparently this is my plan. My emotions are up and down and I sometimes feel the need to pull away from those that love me most. I know there has got to be light at the end but as of now its just flickering. Of course there are people that are going through a lot more and have a lot less but sometimes I cant care about them because I am only thinking about me. (kind of ugly and selfish, huh?) Sometimes in reflection I wonder what God really has in store for me and what it is that He wants me to learn. Ive been in this holding pattern for a long time and yet in still I am still blessed. (thankful) I sometimes I am not able to be thankful that He chose me to go through this all right now bute in the large scope of things I am. sometimes dont know what to pray for so I just thank Him. My HOPE gives me FAITH that all shall come pass. Learning to PATIENT though sometimes I feel like I am failing. Honestly right now all I crave is PEACE.