Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

Peace and Comfort

All I want for Christmas is my heart to be healed.  I want my daddy to walk through the door, smile, to hear him laugh, have him hug me tight, provide me with some direction, have a conversation, tell me a story from his past, tell me how much he loves my sister and I even my mother.  I would give anything to be able to hear his voice right now.  My mother has shared that she has some home videos.  I havent felt like I was ready but I think that I am.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of him.  Not a day goes by that I do not miss him.  Not a day goes by that I don't wish that I would have done this or that differently.  Every time I look at me I see him and that is tough but it does make it a little better for those moments.  I constantly feel like I repeat myself when I reference my daddy but it is how I feel often.  I write it out in lieu of having one of those ugly moments that are hard to come from.

In the last few months, I have had a couple of friends lose the men in their lives.  Their fathers, grandfathers and father figures.  My heart instantly goes to those friends as I know how it feels.  I do my best to be there for them.  In that I go through my own emotions.  It hurts as it does not seem to go away.  I mourn for them and for myself all over again.  I always hope that they know that I am always there no matter the time.  I emphathize with them from a place of love and comfort.

A season of comfort and joy can also be a time of sadness and grief.  This holiday will be the first for several that I know without love ones.  It is very difficult to reflect on the greatness of their lives when you miss them so much.  I know this feeling first hand.  I know how it feels to have your heart broken in a million little pieces and not be able to put them together like your favorite puzzle.  I also understand that I was blessed to have the love and a relationship with my daddy.  He was not a perfect man but he was beyond great to me.  I think about all the conversations, all the things that he taught me and constantly wish to have just one more hug, one more conversation, one more I love you. Simple one more lesson to make me better, feel my strength and kno w moe more through his heart and his eyes.

I pray peace and comfort to all those that go through a season of thanksgiving feeling lost, alone and not a completely full.  I pray peace and comfort to all those that I loved and losty peace and comfort for all those that have been able to fight through the grief to see all that there is to be thankful for in life.  Peace and Comfort to all that have taken a moment to reflect and remember all those that have lost a parent(s), grandparents and  parent figure.  Know that you are not alone and that there was love.

Peace and Comfort,

Freckles

3 Years... RIP DADDY FRECKLES

I wish you were here to guide me. I would give anything to just hear your voice. There are so many things that I want/need to say. There are still so many things that I wanted to experience with you.  I really just wish that you would come to me and just give a sign that you are there and that you are watching over me.  Today is expecially tough because I would have called granny to talk about you and now yall are together up there and she is not here either.  The only thing that give me peace is that I am a piece of you.  I miss you.  I love you.

Rest In Paradise Daddy.

Dear Daddy, I miss you

Dear Daddy,
I often feel alone since you have been gone.  It seems to be a constant conflict.  I cannot replace duplicate create.  There’s so much that I wish that I could change.  I wish that I was there.  I still harvest some of the guilt of not being there.  I just really miss you.  There are so many things that I want to talk to you about and things that I would love to have your feedback on.  Look you in your face and see my reflection in you knowing that there is nothing but love behind our eyes.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would be like to hear your voice.  What it is would be lie to truly listen to your questions in a conversation that make me pull from the inside to solve any of life’s dilemmas.  I would give anything to have a moment with you right now.  Its ironic how much you want something when you know there is no way that it is possible.  I suppose that is just instilled in humans.  Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror staring at your image looking back at me hoping to just hear your voice for a moment.  It’s amazing how much I look like you as I get older.  Often in that moment I wish that it was really you. 

I know it has been 2 years but the pain of heartbreak is still on me.  I am not crying everyday anymore and I accept that you are gone but once Grandma died this overwhelming feeling of hurt has been on me.  I can’t really describe it or really have the words to express it.  It just hurts and sometimes my heart just hurts.  I’m sad.  I miss you.  I miss grandma.  I need to continue to grieve but it just seems to be a bit much for me.  I just feel like it’s one of those times when crying may not be helpful.  Honestly, it all makes me feel kind of crazy that I am still redefining me after all this time.  I suppose you being gone is just not one of those things that you just get over.  I love you and really want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that I am trying to be a better person, better woman.  I want you to know that I am tired, frustrated and often feel very much alone with all my feelings.  I feel like you are the only one that would be able to understand.  I miss you daddy.

I love you,

Your Freckled Daughter

one year later

it was one year ago yesterday that my daddy died. I can still feel the brokeness of my heart with almost each breath I take. that may never go away. I can feel the moment that I was told that he had taken his last breath. I still feel the overwhelming hurt and pain overcome me. the shortness of breath. the ache in my chest, heart and head. my mind going into overload. I felt paralyzed like my father was since 1995. with his legs went his will to live. it hurt to see him angry and unhappy. it hurt to hear him be unhappy. it was all a bit much and I didnt know how to be there for him. I didnt know how to see past it and be there. I feel some kind of way about it and me in that aspect. I wasnt strong enough or didnt feel strong enough. It is hard to watch someone die and/or want to die. I regret that I wasnt there

but 

I remain thankful that I now know my own strength. I am thankful that I can remember him as I do. I love that I can see him in me.

I understand that God needed him now and that it was his time to no longer suffer. I am at peace with the fact that he is now resting in peace. I will be ok and though it still hurts and I still have the sporatic breakdowns; I know that he is in a better place smiling down upon the women that my sister and I are becoming. Watching over her children and even my mother.

he was a lot of things to a lot of people but he was my daddy.

my one and only. one who loved hard and completely. I am ever so thankful for that.

so on this day one year later I dedicate yet another post to my daddy freckles.

I love and miss you so much.

Rest in peace.

30: The Reinvention of Me

Yes, well I am so thankful and ready to let go of the woman that I was in my 20’s. My 20’s were full of growing pains and what we will call CHARACTER BUILDING EXPERIENCES. My 30s are going to be so much better. I plan on reinventing the woman I was in my 20s and here are a few things that I have realized.

Here is my Flirty 30 List:

1. I can truly say that I have seen God move in my life. There were several times in my 20s when I thought that I couldn’t make it or couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. He brought me through and is always in my corner – TRUST and FAITH.

2. I now like the reflection that stares back at me in the mirror and can say I love her.

3. Every time that I look in the mirror and see my daddy. I think about him and wonder if he is proud of me and I even stare in the mirror sometimes and feel him looking back at me. It brings me peace. When I lost my father, I lost a piece of me but the reflection in the mirror gives me hope in grief.

4. I am trying to find my passion as far as work but UNEMPLOYMENT will do that to you. I have worked and have had a wonderful career where I have made lots of people lots of money. I have learned a lot and taken good notes. I have also been unappreciated, overworked and underpaid but I have made some strong relationship too. However at this moment Freckles needs a job!

5. I now understand the saying be careful what you speak – as the journey to the 30 came about. I recognized that there were some things (love, people, feelings etc) that I was not going to take into 30. I said it and said it believing that it was going to be a grown up things that would just people and possibly some not so sexy habits. However I did not realize that it would be my father and my job. Both were very life changing and could not have imagined it was going to be like this but I will embrace this change and be a better woman because of it.

6. I am more like my mother and father than I would have ever expected. My mother is an awesome woman and I blessed that she is my mother. (thanks mom – she reads my blog too sometimes).

7. I enjoy taking pictures of myself at different angles and in different moments. I like to take pictures for sharing and some for private. Once upon a time I didn’t think that I was good enough, pretty enough or important enough but now I am and I am worthy. So now I suppose that it is why I love taking my picture of ME.

8. I LOVE Shoes!!! Stilleto Queen. I like them high, strappy and super sexy – however I have not had the opportunity to Get In but that is another conversation. (FULL TEETH SMILE) Shoes make me feel good. I have been through a multitude of sizes over the last 10 years. Again, my 20s – ugh! Ladies, check out my blog on that. I am sure that you will all feel me on that subject.

9. I try to keep a notebook in my purse at all times. Just in case I hear something or feel something worth possibly writing about. I have a number of topics that I would like to write about and keep them in my notebook with notes. It’s like carrying a baby. Some stories you have to nourish and hold onto until they are ready to deliver.

10. I have a hard time smiling through pain and not showing my emotions on my face. I hope that this is something that I will grow out of a bit in my 30s but I do see it happening anytime soon. I am going to work on controlling it better.

11. I am a recovering grudge holder. I have moment where I feel the way that I feel and have a hard time letting go. When I feel like I have been wronged I hold onto it even when the grudgee has moved on. I have let go of a lot of things that I tried to hold onto in my 20s. I am glad that they are not coming into my 30s.

12. I am sometimes overly flirtatious. Too sensual and too touchy feely. It sometimes turns into too sexual but that is possibly a blog within itself so I will leave that at that.

13. I am so blessed to be surrounded by good people. I mean truly genuine people that have loved me in spite of me.

14. It is very easy to be negative and often a little harder to be positive. I succumb to the negative sometimes but try to find a way to pass through it. There are so many things to be thankful for in life. The simple things like waking up and being able to do breath, walk, see or hear. I have often found myself concerned about what I do not have or cannot do. I lose sight of the little things. In my 30s I will be sure to speak what I am thankful for everyday.

15. I am a bit of an attention whore but DON’T JUDGE ME! Lol. It is not as bad as it use to be but it is what it is and I recognize this thing about me.

16. Flaws can be Fab – there will be a blog about this one day but right now it is still in the womb.

17. I am more in tune with my strengths and weaknesses than ever before.

18. I haven’t always loved me but growth is an amazing process.

19. I can appreciate finding love and losing love and I look forward to finding love again.

20. I don’t have a ticking clock and I have come to terms with it. I am not particularly desiring motherhood. My mother cannot appreciate this fact but not every little girl grows up to want to be a mother but I do want to be a wife. If the Lord blesses me with a husband it may be negotiable but other than that – I’m Good!

21. I believe in being discreet. It is not on the sneaky tip but there are something and situations that are not for all or anyone to know.

22. The truth sometimes hurts but does set you free. Once upon a time I was insecure and felt the need to be validated by things, people or titles. Once I accepted that it was not about the things or people and moreso of a need that I thought I needed – I was set free. It hurt and hurt other people but it’s not always about them.

23. I can no longer apologize for the past. It has happened and there is nothing I can do to change it. If I hold onto it any longer I will not be able to move forward.

24. I am entitled to feel how I feel. (as in period)

25. I am addicted to Facebook but having a hard time getting a handle on Twitter.

26. I often wonder if I will ever grow out of being boy/man crazy. I love men!!! Especially black men. I do not want to discriminate but I love brothas… mmmmmm!

27. I am still trying to let go of regret – this is a work in progress.

28. I love Charms blow pop. I believe that I have an oral fixation. It is mainly when I am drinking. I always have them in my purse.

29. When I love I love hard and don’t like my love to be mishandled but I am more open to it than some.

30. George Bernard Shaw said it best “Life isn’t finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself". I have never had a problem with turning 30 and in fact I embrace it. I believe that it will be a better than my 20s and I am going to be a better woman.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Daddy, I am thinking of you. Each and every day and every time I look in the mirror. I long to hear your voice and receive your advice and it would be great to have a hug too. I would love to hear you say how much you love me and would love to hear you tell me that you are proud of me. However none of that is going to happen. I am feeling so many different things right now. I am frustrated and feeling some regret. I should have been there and I could have done this or that. I wish I could have said this and said that but I must let go of these feelings. I would like to share what has happened and what knowledge I gained. I would love to be able to tell you that I am sorry and explain my point of view. I would love to be able to share all things that I have felt over the last 15 years. All the wrongs and rights along with the ups and downs – this has been a process for not only you but all of us that love you.

I watched you and felt you not want to go on and not seem to understand the impact it had on the people around you. You were mean and stubborn. You always knew it all but could not take what you often dished out. You made no regard for your life as the others around you fought to keep you alive. Overtake, undertake and mistake while suffering and not sharing what you were feeling. The selfish part of me hates that you are gone but at the same time I am so glad that you are not longer in all of the pain. I feel like you could have tried harder but you didn’t. I feel like you could have still worked hard and for yourself but you didn’t. I feel like you still had a great work to do but you didn’t. You gave up on yourself without ever giving you a chance to succeed. You were such a genius and one of the smartest people that I have ever met. I listened to all of the things that people had to say about you and they all believed alike. I wish that you knew the impact that you had on so many people. I wish there could have been a moment where you realized that your life was so valuable even without legs. I wish you would have reached your potential.

So on this day, the day of your birthday, I am overwhelmed and my heart is heavy. I am unable to make this special phone call and let you know that I am thinking of you and loving you more than I can truly express. I would love to hear you say that you love me too but I know that you did. It just would be nice to hear you say it. However in my heart I say Happy Birthday and I love you so much!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY FRECKLES

and

Rest In Peace

1 Month In and About Ready to Go Forward with Faith

So yesterday made 1 month of my father’s passing and I am at cross road. I am now ok and have come to terms with him being gone but there are still good days and bad days. I had a long conversation with someone the other day and it was brought to my attention that I may be trying to dwell in my grief. I initially got defensive and stated that they had their nerve. He was my daddy. He was very much involved in my life and was always good to me. I never had to question his love for me. The person quickly apologized and simply stated that I may not be dealing with the his death as much as I would like to believe and that I need to deal with all the feelings came with his passing. After I barked at this person and went on. I reflected.

To a certain extent they were right. I have to let go of all the emotions that go along with daddy being gone. It’s ok for me to be mad, guilty, sad and lonely. It’s ok that I feel all the things that I feel but I can’t eternalize these emotions and continue to own them. I have to get to a point where I decide that I have to move on and trust that God will give me comfort. I believe that God is going to provide me all that I need but I am going to have to let go and let God.

I am not saying that I am not going to still hurt because I do but I have to let go of some of this other stuff in order for God to be able to meet my needs. This is so much easier said than done but I am praying for guidance and I know that there are people praying for me too. It also helps to write and get all of this stuff out. God is amazing in that way. When I don’t think that I can hear him He send people to encourage you and share His blessings with you and even provides confirmation. I am so thankful for that.

So, Daddy I am glad that you are finally at peace and I am going to do my best to make you proud of me after all I am blessed to see you every time I look in the mirror.

So, Thank you to all with much thanks filling my heart for good people in my life that offer a word of encouragement, a piece of concern and prayer for my comfort. It goes a lot further than words may ever be able to express.

Comforting Peace and Faithful Blessings,

Freckles