Bittersweet Transparency

In this moment, right now, I am feeling all sorts of stuff and I do not quite know where to begin.  All in my head with so much on my mind and plenty of time to think and even over think. I tend to think this way and that way from every point of view with cause and effect and how it will or can affect.  There is just so much on my mind.  I am feeling love, curiosity and all sorts of doubt.  I am simply feeling.  

I spent so much of my adulthood praying, hoping and loving love and now I have it.  It is such a beautiful place to be and while there is not suppose to be a but there is a but that is so bittersweet.  I have the absolute pleasure of living life with the love of my life.  I get to see him every day and love him, encourage him and kiss him every day.  I try my best to make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him, his love and his care. He is such an amazing person with a beautiful spirit that listens to my heart.  That's the easy part.  After we got married in July, I moved from Los Angeles back to Atlanta to be my husband's wife.  This transition has been rather bittersweet.  While I love and truly adore being with him, I left all that was my normal and even once my reality.  My heart and spirit misses those connections and interactions deeply.  The convenience of those interactions sprinkled with a multitude of smiles, infectious laughs, precious moments of love and just genuine friendship.  These friends have become family along with my immediate family being my mother and my sister.  The family that I chose and have grown accustom to having instant access to at most times to not physically at all have been tougher than I would have or could have imagined. After all this is not the first time that I have moved away or even gone away.  This move was not all of a sudden and was very well planned and known for a long while BUT it is very real.  What I feel is very real and it is painful to tears at points.  I often feel very much alone with only myself to comfort.  I just have to feel it and endure each moment without the physical connection.  My love is genuine and very real.  It is whole and complete without fault and all sorts of faith. I am so grateful and yet I feel so guilty for feeling while I am so blessed with all this love. I am human. A human simply feeling.

so much on my mind...

I truly just hate to see bad things to happen to good people especially those that I love.  The kind of people that simply are just good and nice people that seems to not have a malicious bone in their body.  The kind of people that you just want the absolute best for them just because they are simply awesome.  I can’t stand it.  It makes me wanna holler. I mean truly holler because there is nothing I can do to truly help or be able to take the pain away. Nobody wants to hear I am praying for you or Trust and believe that God will not give you more than you can handle.  Ha.  Because in the moment all you can feel is the shit that you are dealing with and wondering if He blinked.  My only bright side is the faith that I almost tend to question.  How can I an awesome God allow these folks to endure such pain then it is faith of a mustard seed and the logic of through is an action word.  My heart aches and seemingly bleeds for those that I love going through life changing, character building and sometimes devastating experiences.  My heart goes to them and I feel pain, hurt and injustice.  Along with that pain goes into all the matters of the world.  ALL of them that go spoken and unspoken with anger and chaos.  I simply feel.  I feel for my friend and her husband dealing with the legal system, dealing with their family strife and the day to say struggles of being black in America.  I feel for my friend's friend that lost her husband to cancer with two small boys to raise with her tribe.  I feel for my friend that is trying her best to be productive and be the best mother she can be with all that matters of her mind holding her captive.  I feel for the friend that is simply tired of keeping it together for everyone else and that feels as if she has nothing left to give.  I feel for every friend that had lost someone that they love and are left putting the pieces together and simply trying to hold on taking it minute by minute.  I feel for those that are just in the world lost and trying to find their place.  I simply feel... and there is so much on my mind.

So much on my mind...

Along with all this change, I must change and change no matter how much for the better it is, it is hard.  It feels like I am constantly in battle with myself as if I am trying to resist that change that I have always wanted yet I want to remain in the comfort.  Love is easy but marriage is hard.  There is so much trust that goes into this yet it is so rewarding.  I try to be patient with myself and kind to him in the process.  I am very imperfect and my intentions are good (most of the time) yet I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated.  Too many feelings and not enough outlets.  Too many feelings and not enough comfort.  I often wish that I didn't feel so deeply for so many as well as myself.  The desire is real.  I want the most and I am just trying to release and purge some of this.  

so much on my mind...

The world is a very scary place which seems to ironic when there is so much love in that feels as

if it should cure so much.  Race Relations are real and I feel the pain of being a black woman often and try not to give into the frustration of anger.  In my head being the change I would like to see is not enough.  I feel that pain of loving a black man in America and hoping that he comes home every day as well as my sons.  Be respectful and kind yet be black at the same time. hard and I am feeling.  I strive to be a good person that doesn't allow all the matters of the world to make me bitter yet it is hard.  I feel so many things and I am not sure how to voice it without sounding as if it is woe is me.  There just has to be more.  It takes too much energy to be angry and that is energy that I just don't feel like I have to give because I am already consumed.  My emotions have me full and at my limit.  

FLASHBACK FRIDAY: Growing into me... (in the drafts)

Is God pleased with me?

This statement echoes in my mind even now. This took me in several different directions and encouraged some self reflection along with some praise.

I have made some mistakes, told some lies and have not always liked the person that I was. wow, right? Yeah, that is what I think. It is what it is and its something to put it out there like that.

You see, I once was a person that felt the need to be validated by people, things and titles. My need for validation was like a drug. It never seemed like enough. I always needed something additional to top the last high. This drug turned me into aomeone and something else. It made me forget who I was and it mildly over powered my faith in self and in God. It is a very sad place to be but in the moment it feels good and feels real.

Validation is...

Here is my testimony...

God is awesome and sometimes you have to go through alittle something in order to see how awesome He really is. I am not here to telt anyone who or what to believe in but I am here to share my testimony.

As I am slowly approaching 30, I am blessed to have the opportunity to see me in a better light. I am in a wonderful place called contentment. There are people that go their entire lives without being able to look inthe mirro and like/love the images that stares back. There are people that do nota allow themselves the opportunity to see themselves (the good the bad and the ugly)

It was Storming...

The wind blew and the trees swayed while the rain began to fall. The rain was cold in competition with the crispiness of the air.  The sky grew dark and the colors were many shades of gray.  The feel was somber and my spirit felt a nervous calmness.  The storm was coming.  The clouds were full of despair and at the capacity with only the ability to release all of sadness, frustration, anger and most of all fear.  Fear of the absolute unexpected and the realization that destruction looms. 

Destruction has been a constant the last few years.  It has been surrounding and affecting so many people as well as impacting all that has been obtained, collected, built and established.  The storm has no regard to these matters and is insistent on releasing all the pressure.  As the sky begins to cry slowly the air continues to chill.  The shift in the temperature unsettles the spirit and seeking a refuge is the initial thought with worry straddling behind.  The wind becomes fierce and the tree sway becomes more of an uncoordinated rock.  There was a brief calm before the sky let loose and the anger unconstrained in the form of rain.  The roar was reminiscent of a train and the lighting lit the sky almost like a fireworks show.  It is kind of amazing how poetic darkness and light can be in the midst.  In that moment I could relate to the storm.  It is almost scary how relevant the storm is to life.

Life is happening and can be a constant cyclone of emotion, a hurricane of disasters and more than enough rain to either have overflow of feelings.  Far too often I feel alone in the storm without a direction or any sort of peace.  All the matters of my heart conflict and rage into a frenzy that works me up and out without any regard to an outlet.  I don’t know which way to turn, who to talk to or if anyone tends to care about all the shit that is currently going in my head.  There is no regard for wrong right or indifferent.  There are only feelings.  Not enough this or desire for more of that, too much distance, family and friends under and over attack, not knowing where the next is coming from.  To not be sure if love is enough and if the transition will make me or break me down and if I will crumble under the pressures.  I miss my daddy and I need him to help put all of this into perspective.

My heart is heavy and full.  I tend to hold it all within but far too often the load gets heavy and there’s need for release.  Sometimes it doesn’t all make sense and everything is everywhere.  There have been so many natural disasters in the form of storms happening and life still continues.  No one is exempt from the storm no matter the race, orientation, and sex or other.  We all go and grow through things.  We all have a tendency to feel overwhelmed with life and the storm sometimes seems to be the most destructive circumstances.  I’m grateful that I am able to endure the storms of life and watch the aftermath flourish.  We can survive.

Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

I am a BELIEVER...

I am a believer.  

I believe that He died on the cross so that I may have life and that He has a plan for my life.

I am not perfect yet no one is.  I have made a multitude of mistakes yet I have learned and grown.  I do not read my bible as much as I should yet I try to speak to Him all day in prayer and in spirit. 

I have a tattoo that I got when I was 21 though in the Old Testament it does speak to marking your temple.  I also have holes in each ear.  Sometimes I partake in a cocktail or 5.  There are times when I am not as polite or nice and my tongue gets a little slick.  I have been guilty of talking too much, cussing too much and not being enough.  I have not always told the truth and I have been vindictive though it was not always with malicious intent.  I have been faithful and faithless.  While I am being honest, I try not to complain, but there are times when my faith gets so low and I go into a woe is me.  I try to be a good person.  I am compassionate, empathetic and try to do the right thing.  I try to be a good daughter, sister and friend.  I try to be a woman of good moral character.  I try to be a woman of my word and sometimes I fall short though my intentions are always good.  There are times when my intentions are good and nothing may come from them.  I have faults and flaws.  I try to just be me.  I am constantly striving to be better.  There are times when my emotions get the best of me.  There are times when I am in a sexy sort of mood and I choose to give into my temptations.  I like kissing and sex.  I know that in my walk I need to abstain but I still believe.

My birthday is in October and my zodiac sign is Libra.  Occasionally I refer to my balance and some of the other “Libra attributes” as it applies.  I do not study astrology as I understand that it is a form of divination.  In my study I also learned that there is a difference between astrology and astronomy but that is an interesting tale for another time.  I do not worship the stars and believe that they can predict the future.  I don’t read horoscopes for belief or interpretation.  It is a form of entertainment from time to time but nothing consistently but I still believe.

I work on most Sundays but when I don’t I enjoy going to church.  I like going to church not just because it is a habit and what I have always done but because I sometimes need a little something to make it through.  I need that word of encouragement or chastisement.  I need someone to pray for me because there are times when I have a hard time praying for myself.   I need the fellowship of the people of faith so I can feel the strength of two or more gathered in His name.  Every time I have been to church in the last few months the word was tailor made for me in this specific season in my life.  I believe that is not a coincidence and He has my being in mind.

I have had a plenty and I have had not enough.  I have been in good grace and I have needed mercy.  I have been through some life.  Life has been lived in some areas.  I have had some not so grand moments.  Those instances were not my finest hours but they were proven to be character building.  I have had some low, dark valley moments.  I can honestly say that the valley gets real dark and lonely.  I have experienced not knowing where my next was coming from and/or I do not know how I am going to make it.  I have had some late night so much is on my mind knowing that I am not supposed to worry moments – more than I truly care to acknowledge.  I have cried and questioned His presence on more than one occasion.  Yet I still choose to believe that everything that I have been through has not been designed to take me out.

I am a believer.  I believe that I can be all of the above and still be a believer.  I can still repent and desire better.  I believe that all that I have experienced in this life is by His design for me to reach my level.  I believe that I get in my own way often.  I procrastinate and I am not using all my gifts (I am working on this right now).  I believe in what I don’t see but feel His presence often.  No, I am not living my best life right at this moment but I can see the growth which is worth so much more than my situations and even that is improving.   I believe in those down low alone moments that He heard my cry.  I believe that He was there when I felt like I had no one.  I believe that life without believing in something, especially Him is a life lived without hope.  I believe that the sad part of being is being without hope and faith in He. I believe that when one chooses to believe it does not mean that life will be perfect without any problems or situations. There will be joys, trials and triumphs.  There is nothing new happening now that was not in the bible.  There were people who believed and those that didn’t because they chose not.  There murders, rapist, adulterers, fornicators, pimps and prostitutes; victims and victors.  There were nations at war; there was racism and outcasts; there was hate, hope and havoc amongst some liars, cheaters and believers.  There were/are rich, poor and poorer than poor.  There were rich nations and poor nations.  There is nothing new happening that wasn’t in the bible.  

With all of that I still choose to believe.

May 20: Something you wonder WHAT IF about

WHAT IF…

§  I would have chosen a different major or a different college?

§  I would have become his wife and had his baby

§  I would have kept it all to myself

§  My daddy was still here

§  I would have fought a little harder for us

§  He would have made the effort and not sabotaged us

§  I would have told the truth

§  I would have been comfortable in my own skin a little sooner

§  I wouldn’t have put myself in that situation

§  I decide to share me with him

§  My relationships change for the worse

§  Something were to happen to me

§  I didn’t care to feel or love

§  I didn’t have freckles

§  She wasn’t there for me what would have happened

§  I am not forgiven

§  I become successful

§  Pandora’s box opens

§  I never moved to Atlanta

§  She never figured out who I was

§  He couldn’t appreciate who I am now

§  She lets go of his bs

§  He walks away from her baggage

 There is always a WHAT IF…

21 Questions

can you answer one?

1. why is it that what we feel and what we think not on the same most times?

2. Why is that love can complicate the simplest situation?

3. Where is the love of my life?

4. why does that good guy not give me warm fuzzies?

5.  why is success sometimes scary?

6.  What does it really mean to grow apart?

7.  Why do fear and failure both start with F?

8.  Why was I in such a rush to be grown?

9. how does one claim that their feelings have not changed but their actions do?

10.  Why not forgive?

12. What is it that I am suppose to be doing with my life? 

13.  What’s my supreme purpose?

14. how does one feel lonely in a world full of people?

15.  why do folks overuse LOL – are they really?

16.  why is opening yourself up sometimes smack you in the face?

17. is there really such a thing as complacency?

18.  Who came up with the grass being greener  and why does it make so much sense?

19.  why do we always want what is not always good for us or to us?

20.  Why cant some folks handle the truth bluntly?

21. Do you have any answers to any of these questions?

Turning into Love

Nowhere to go
Nowhere to turn
but into each other
deep in thus far

He stands
She sits
Having only this day
Can't be weak

Sit back
Relax
Hold firm
This needs to be done

Always had an appreciation
And no justification
But to my satisfaction

Its turning
Turning
Turning

She stands
He sits
Back and forth
To find what he seek
The answer is staring each in the face
The truth
Waiting to be said

Its turning
Turning
Turning

Must be calm
State your claim
Stop sweating
No pressure
But the truth
must be told

it started so long ago
neither one was to ever know
started off as friends
but this is where the cycle ends
both wanting more than a friend

through deep infatuation
pure satisfaction
and thought has brought both to this point
but because of anticipation
they know

Its turning
Turning
Turning

Now it had been seen
Always wanting to be much more
Much more than a friend
The truth
Confronting both
Our minds
Are to be intertwined
Along with soul
Unknown it could be quite like this.

Its turning
Turning
Turning

Turning into love.

Freckles' Thought for this day...

Always seek less turbulent skies.

Hurt. Fly above it.
Betrayal. Fly above it.
Anger. Fly above it.
You are the one who is flying the plane.

Marianne Williamson

She as His Franchise Player

There are some men that have an awesome franchise player on their team right now and do not even realize it or do not pay enough attention to recognize it.

FRANCHISE PLAYER

Definition: 1. A designation given to a player by his team to keep him from leaving via free agency. According to the NFL's collective bargaining agreement, the player must be paid the average salary of the top five players at his position.

2. A term used to refer to a superstar player who is invaluable to his team.

A team can use the franchise tag to keep one of their more valuable free agents from leaving the team.

The Cincinnati Bengals made Carson Palmer the first overall pick in the NFL Draft

because they felt he had the ability to be a franchise player.

She is very well versed on both sides of the ball and she is all for the team. She is a good woman with a trifekta combination of smart, sexy, cool. She has most if not all of those great feminine qualities that he adores and she even gets it done in the bedroom. She remembers all the little things that he loves, likes and even hates. She is so into him, wanting to take care of him and cook for him. She pays careful attention to all the highs and lows in his life. She listens when he needs an ear, lends her shoulder when he needs somewhere to lean and even holds her arms open to carry the load when it seems to be too much. She does her best to be his everything. She is into his family and helps him keep up with all the special dates that may slip his mind.

On offense, she plays QB so she is in charge of running the offense on the field but will listen to him in the huddle, HB to run the ball, FB for muscle with the ball, WR to catch while running all while maintaining her TE of course as an added bonus. She isn't hesitant to play tackle every now and then as well. She is always the center and on truly on guard so there is not much for him to worry. She stays prepared at the snap of the ball and quickly establishes any possible initial run or pass reads. She blocks bullshit high and low trying to decide whether to move downhill to the scrimmage line or whether to pass the ball. Her goal on the run is to also allow him to fill any gap left by other defenders fighting off blocks. That went over someone's head.

On defense, she tries to predict what the offense will do. Since she is always observant, she is constantly identifying and numbering the eligible receivers to know where coverage is needed most. On this side of the ball she focus' most of her time at free safety. The free safety gets the privilege of standing in the back, watching the play develop and attacking where she knows the play will end up. Many people refer to the position as the quarterback of the defense, because the safety needs to recognize formations, and communicate accordingly.

She listens to his wants, needs and desires and in most cases meets him on most occasions with a few exclusions. She notices that little wrinkle in his nose when he is frustrated or that crease in his forehead when he is concentrating. She is genuinely concerned with his well being. She uplifts and encourages him and keeps him motivated when life gets tough. She doesn't run or hide but stands tall sharing the brighter side of things. She is in his corner and will do whatever it takes to keep him satisfied and fulfilled. This woman plays her role offensively and defensively. She is FRANCHISE material.

There are men that know exactly what I am talking about. He is all too familiar with that woman and he keeps her around. He knows she is good one and possibly the one. She is truly invaluable to him but he tends to wonder about the others. After all there are so many women out there. There is always a desire for more. It is human nature and we are mildly guilty of it and some more than others. The thought that there is always something or someone better – better looking, better smelling, better tasting… younger, darker, lighter, shorter, taller, thicker, fuller, bigger, tighter… Longer hair, bigger lips, smaller body, more muscles, fatter ass, plumper tits, thicker penis… HUMAN NATURE.

FREE AGENCY

Definition: An open signing period during which an NFL team can sign any unrestricted player who is without a contract.

Examples: Many players change teams during free agency.

FREE AGENT

Definition: A professional football player who is not currently under contract with any football team.

Examples: A free agent may sign with any team he chooses.

DRAFT

Definition: The selecting of collegiate players for entrance into the National Football League.

DRAFT CHOICE

Definition: A player chosen by an NFL team from a pool of college players in an annual selection process.

So, again I say… There are some men that have an awesome franchise player on their team but they are spending way too much time looking all in the free agency and trying to see who is coming up on the draft. Only a selective few make it to the playoffs. Good teams take work and plenty of investment. Both player and coach need to take time to get to know each other, build a rapport. You gotta take the time to get to know each other's strength, weaknesses and how to find a workable balance. It doesn't happen overnight and just because the draft is approaching doesn't mean younger is better. It takes time and if the coach is not motivating or taking an active interest in making the franchise player happy…

Don't take what you have for granted.

RECONSTRUCTION... an Update Ramble

So, I have really been out the loop.  I have slacked on following friends, writing and making this blog be the best that it can be.  My sincere apologies.  I hope that you are not discouraged from reading.  I am trying to do better.  I desire to be better and that includes all around.

Honestly, life has happened.  I am in a place that is home trying to find my way.  I am all over the place emotionally, mentally, socially, personally.  I kind of feel full but not overwhelmed.  I need some follow through with my focus.  I have so many dreams, desires, hopes for fulfillment.  Often, there are things on my mind and my heart that do not seem to come out.  I lose my inspiration for expression.  It's strange to have so much to say but not the words to say 

Life has been changing and I have been going along for the ride.  It's amazing how one day liefe as we knew it can change in a split second.  All that was normal, mindful and comfortable errupts like a volcano seeming taking all hope for continuance.  Somewhere along they way some of my motivation, encouragement and some of my inspiraIt is one of those situations where you thought that you made adequate preparations for plans A-B-C to find out out that there should have been a plan D-E-F.  I am certain that someone out there, feels me.  I am not the only person going through some changes and the valley gets dark... sometimes it's hard to encourage yourself.  The economy has changed.  The world has changed. People have changed.  All along with the seasons.  It's already September... Fall is among us.

In fact, I have become better in tune with other people.  Sometimes you have to step away from self and see someone or some thing else. 

There's no danger of developing eyestrain from looking on the brighter side of things.

I am in a strange place in my life right now.  I am not unhappy but I am not completely happy either.  I am working on redefining my future.  Nowhere near complacement but peaking towards contentment.  Contentment for the woman that I am becoming.  I see her and she is not so bad.

Every now and then the mountains feel as if they are closing in on me and the ground shakes so hard that i can barely tell which direction is North/ Up - Storm.  Sometimes the storms of life get us off kilter but sometimes its easier to help, love on, encourage and be of service to someone else.  Take your focus off self.  It is amazing the words that come in a time when a friend needs them.  I am thankful that through this storm of life that I have had the right words at the right time.  I am constantly trying to be uplift my friends, trying to be a better sister, better daughter, better friend... as well as a better more consistent writer.  So please be patient with me.  I am trying...

LOVE ALWAYS,

FRECKLES

PS. My prayer is for all of you to be thankful in your life no matter the circumstance.  Keep in mind that your sharing may help someone else.  Be in tune with your gifts...

Peace, Blessings and Wonderful Words...

walk on by

Slowly walking past to the beat of my heart that eyes feel me as I glide across your mind like ur favorite tune only because you are watching.

I know, you know that I know you are looking and anticipating my next and every move as the hips swing from left to right in sync with the music that coincides with the beat of your heart pit pat pit

Sweetly awaiting

Awaiting the thought, the thought of satisfaction of me with you in a game of mental gratification along with some physical definition only because the emotions of mind are keeping me upon and you know that I know that I am what you are thinking.

It’s on your mind

Looking at you, looking at me makes me smile glide my tongue across my lips, hot and moist like the wonders of your mind. Pleasures of your soul like once said or even asked, do you dig it?

Is it me on your mind?

I like the way I see you, seeing me, see you diggin me. As I go on and do my thing while looking at you thinking of me all in a thought but instead you let me walk on by

Wash and Rinse: It Will ALL Come Out!

Like the old folks say, if it doesn’t come out in the wash it will truly come out in the rinse. You can only front for so long and there is no future in the fronting…

Word.

(to the mutha)

When people show you who they are – BELIEVE THEM!!! Often too many times we become infatuated with people, things, circumstances and situations. We are so in the clouds that we are completely oblivious to what’s going around on the ground. We have all been guilty a time or two. We hesitate to the time to see some of the obvious. The signs are generally there and it is choice to ignore or deal.

In my fantasy world there is nothing but good people that have nothing but the best intentions in my life. People that do not lie, cheat or steal. People that are only wonderful and decent in the human sense. People that do not lack consistency or integrity. People that do not back bite and/or talk about you behind your back in a derogatory manor. People that do not go around trying to find things that may or may not be there and then further their detective skills. People that don’t feel the need to say things that they do not manipulate in order to get what they want. People that you can take for their word at ALL times.

FANTASY… yes, however I know that those people do exist but it’s always astonishing to have to learn this lesson again. It gets me when people aren’t who, what or how they present themselves.

It’s like when you get a pretty black velvet box tied in a Tiffany Blue ribbon. You are extremely with immediate anticipation of what could be inside. Once you have it in your hand the anxiety plunges out of your pores, drips down your spine and your chest tightens. Awesome! Right? Then you untie the tiffany blue ribbon and open the pretty black velvet box – NOTHING! TOTAL & COMPLETE DISAPPOINTMENT hugs you tightly and you are instantly overcome with perplexed curiosity. Why? What is this? Where is the wonderful thing that is supposed to be inside? Some cry. Some scream. Some sit in concern. Some things like people are not always as they seem or are presented.

That is how it feels to me when people present themselves like a pretty velvet box. I love gifts and especially the kind that come in velvet boxes. They look good, talk good and truly seem awesomely perfect. Then something happens and they show you who they really are – an empty box.

Actions always speak louder than words and talk is so cheap and unnecessary. I keep having to learn this lesson and I am doing my best not to harden my heart  towards folks and their fuckery.  I know I cannot control people but I would appreciate them taking a moment to get their acts together.  I would like to believe in the great good of all people and until I feel crossed I do.  I try to to treat all folks with the utmost respect and dignity.  I try not to be the person that I talk about.  I can only hope that it will all come out in the wash and rinse.

Some of the best advice given was from my friend’s father. He said,  So very true.

Once you know how people are, conduct yourself accordingly.

Thanks Mr. V!

When people show you who they are… BELIEVE THEM! Though they (not sure who they are) say that presentation is everything, it is nothing without preservation. Keep it Trill Folks!!!

btw, you know who you are.

Goodbye Atlanta...for now of course

It is 2:30 AM EST and I am awake.  I am taking up every last minute possible to suck up every last drop of this place.  Diggin my core to feel all that has been home - happiness.  However home is where you make it. I have fallen in love with this city.  It has a feel good vibe to it.  It encouraged alot of growth.  It has been good - not all good but good nonetheless.  3 years ago almost to the day I packed up my car (along with my roomie) and traveled southeast for a change and it has been great!!!  We traveled 4 days and no nights to get to Atlanta.  We survived my frantic all my life is in that car and I am freaking out in El Paso moment. TOTALLY SCARY...  We made it here and built a good life.  As much as we have been through we stayed in this together - I LOVE YOU ROOMIE & ever so thankful for all you have done.  You have been a wonderful friend - though it all - THANK YOU!!!

MOMENTS: Atlanta...Sweetauburn Festival, Spring Polin, polin count, seasons, Mall of Georgia, Perimeter, Greenbriar, Taste of Atlanta, Football Classics, Dinners, Lounges, Clubs, Slice, MBAR, Loca Luna, COI, Paschals, J. Christopher's, intentions to attend Six Flags, 400, 285, 20, 75, 85, Decatur where its greater, Stone Mountain, Goodie Mob, Djangles, Verve, Velvet Room, Taboo 2, Norcoss, Outlets - boring ass buford (lol), Cumberland, Guthries, Vortex, leopard lounge, Sutra, Andre 3000, Jill Scott, Dave Chapelle, Little Five Points, Snapfinger Rd, Lenox, Buckhead Station, North Hills, Chattsworth, Broadstone, 50 cent toll,  Roswell, Zion MBC, Dunwoody, Art Shows and plenty of trips searching for the best shoe possible.

The people that I have met here and built friendships with have been a blessing.  It is so wonderful to have genuine people in my life.  We went to dinner last weekend and it was wonderful.  Just tobe around a group of women that were just happy to be around each other and passing gril compliments.  (my boots were a big hit)  I honestly love the ladies that were there.  Love them and grateful for our paths crossing.  Thank you friends. 

Anway, things around me have changed and there have plenty of good friendships made.  I am so optimistic for the future.  We shall see what happens. I am leaving in the morning.  Well hopefully, its raining outside. So, I hope that the weather lets up so that I can fly out.  All my stuff has already gone and the moving company called and stated that they will be able to deliver my stuff on Monday.  That is very exciting. Everything fell in line today.  We ran some errands and got something to eat at the Vortex (awesome).  Then we sat on the couch and watched movies, mildly silent and realizing the time is drawing near.  I am a little sad at this moment.  I am really leaving.  Bittersweet. It has been great and we shall meet again.

Well, it is 4:37am, I suppose that I should be preparing for the airport.

Hello Change (Los Angeles)

Goodbye Atlanta, I shall miss you for now.

Please Excuse the Ramble

I am working on a couple of things at the moment and hope to continue being inspired by the move home (I'm goin goin back back to CALI CALI).  At this particular moment I am just sort of thinking about all kinds of stuff.  Nothing in particular but all kinds of stuff. 

I have realized that I have not written about my mother much but she is so awesome.  We speak almost everyday and very often.  She has especially been so awesome through everything that has been going on with me and I have been very concerned about how she is feeling. You see, when you are going through the storms of life it is often very hard to see anyone else point of view.  Until recently I hadn't really considered how all this has been for her.  She is my mother and she loves me inside out.  She has been the one to talk me through dark moments, dealt with my late night phone calls, sporadic emotions and of course my curiosity and doubt.  I never (until recently) realized how all of that made her feel or the toll that it took on her.  I am not a mother nor do I particularly plan being one (that is another something-LOL!) but a mother has a special something for her child and the desire to help and make whatever it is better.  HENCE, me moving home.  I love her and truly blessed that she is my mother.

My roommate is an awesome woman.  I sometimes wonder if she knows how wonderful I think she is.  I try to express it but she is not nearly as mushy as I am.  I appreciate her friendship and she has definetely been the wonderful to me.  I have gotten so use to be around her all the time.  We have so many inside jokes, random moments and great conversations.  She is my shopping buddy, window shopping buddy, cosigner, believe, phenomenal woman and talented artist - check out her website and buy a shirt: http://www.dude-relax.com/

I want him in the worst way.  It is crazy.  Have you just thought about someone randomly and just wonder about him.  Who is he? What he is like? What does he have to offer?  How is he? Damn, where is he? mlol.  It is kind of random but I think that I want him.  We shall see...

Dear Love - I love you

I have come to terms with the fact that I am in LOVE with LOVE. It is authentic, genuine and not delusional. It just is what it is. Let me explain:

I LOVE LOVE. I LOVE that there are so many forms of LOVE and so many things to LOVE, ways to LOVE... I LOVE the thoughts associated with LOVE. I am in LOVE with the possibilities of LOVE. I LOVE the desire to LOVE. I LOVE the thought of being in LOVE. I LOVE falling in LOVE. I LOVE expressing my LOVE (mentally, emotionally and physically and even spiritually). I even LOVE what it takes to be in LOVE and stay in LOVE. All things of LOVE are LOVELY to me.

I LOVE hard. I LOVE deep. I LOVE tough. I LOVE efficiently and sometimes too much. I LOVE completely and sometimes effortlessly.

I LOVE LOVE songs. I LOVE LOVE stories. I LOVE LOVE poems.

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative o the brave.

Mahatma Gandhi

I LOVE me and being in LOVE with me. I LOVE that I feel like I have so much LOVE in me and that sometimes though I feel that LOVE has given up on me that I haven’t given up on LOVE. Although I still have so much to learn about LOVE. I have not always been this woman. I am and have been a true work in progress. In this journey I have learned that you must LOVE yourself in or order to LOVE LOVE or a possibly have a LOVER.

You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are... your simple presence can make others happy.

Jane Roberts

LOVE. The thought of LOVE makes me warm and fuzzy. My LOVE provokes thoughts. Who is he? Where is he? What is taking him so long? Am I ready for him?  What do I have to lose? Like India, I am ready for LOVE but waiting for the LOVE of my life like Erykah. Well at least I would like to believe that I am ready but waiting. However I will not settle for any kind of LOVE. I want a LOVE that is unselfish, unconditional and everlasting. I want the kind of LOVE that comes from my hair follicle to my toe nails. I LOVE the kind of LOVE that is expressed freely in harmonious metaphors and seductive similes. The kind of LOVE that makes me call out your LOVERS name. The kind of LOVE that allows you to smell them when they are not around. The kind of LOVE that makes you close your eyes reflecting on last night, the night before and possibly the night before that and makes you smile.

I LOVE silly LOVE, courageous LOVE, passionate LOVE, boundless LOVE.

I want the kind of LOVE that is worth fighting for no matter what “til death do us part” – a forever kind of LOVE. Infinite kind of LOVE. LOVE with no limit like MJB, is sweet like Anita. and excites me to chorus like Jill.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Maya Angelou

Perhaps we're too embarrassed to change or too frightened of the consequences of showing that we actually LOVE. But why not risk it anyway? Great LOVE and great achievements involve great risks. LOVE takes work, effort, care and sometimes some pain. Why not give into the concept of LOVE on any level. After all LOVE is and we are nothing without LOVE.

Consider this:

It matters not

who you love,

where you love,

why you love,

when you love,

or how you love,

It matters only

that You love.

John Lennon

LOVE (more than 4 letters)