my broken heart

So much life has been happening and I am having a hard time keeping my head and my heart in sync.  There are so many things to be thankful for and I am grateful that I don’t look like all of what is going on within me.  It all feels like a constant struggle to keep up with my happiness and still feel the pain.  My heart hurts and I am tired. 

Death has a way of bringing on so many emotions and while it is bittersweet the bitter tends to linger a while.  Heartbreak is a real thing but I only wish that it was not as strong as I feel that I have given it credit.   It looms over my spirit and I fight so hard to not succumb to it suffrage.  I wish to not be captive to but it has taken up residency.

Heartbreak became very real when my daddy died yet he looked so peaceful.  It was final.  There was nothing to be said of felt again.  I can still feel that moment when it occurred.  It took my breath away and I felt my heart break.  The release was too much as I couldn’t catch my breath.  Every emotion came over me at one time and it was too much.  That cry still scares me to this day.  I do not wish that on anyone.  It just hurts real bad and there is nothing you can do but just feel it.  It absolutely sucks and sucks everything out of you for a period and never goes away.  There comes a point where it is just bearable for a time until it feels up for release.  I miss my daddy every day and it was time to not cry and hurt like that every day.

In January, my grandmother died after a period with Alzheimer.  I watched her change but she was still here.  There were still moments where she was herself all the way to the end.  When I got that phone call, my heart broke again.  I couldn’t believe it.  I thought that I had a little more time and I couldn’t get myself together.  My knees gave out and I was paralyzed with grief. I could feel my heart break piece by piece and there was nothing I could do about it.  This feeling reminded me of losing my daddy which brought a myriad of emotions yet this was centered.  It hurt and continues to hurt and at this point I almost cannot cipher between which break I feel moment to moment.

These two people were my everything.  They were a source of strength, my wise counsel, my spirit builders, truth givers and peace makers.  The world feels very different without them in it.  I can completely feel the lack of their presence especially in my life.  I miss them deeply and as go through this journey I know they gave me some great things to carry with me yet I miss their beings.  That part is still hard to handle from moment to moment.

Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

Happy Heart Day

The HEART is a very sensitive instrument.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is a vital organ that is synonymous with love.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is more than a metaphor.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is the seat of the soul.  I am THANKFUL that you cannot live without the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART pumps and beats.  I am THANKFUL that the average HEART beats 72 times per minute and it beats over 100,000 times a day.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART beats almost 38 million times a year.

My HEART has been used, abused, adorned, held, embraced, sacrificed, loved, hated, pumped, broken, mended... I have made it through.  With all of that involvement, it still remains hopeful and open to the possibility of LOVE.

I am THANKFUL that I have a HEART to be merciful.  I am THANKFUL that I can have a change of HEART to change your mind.  I am THANKFUL that I can know something by HEART which isn’t phone numbers due to technology making me lazy minded.  I am THANKFUL that I have had my HEART in the right place to help ENCOURAGE people.  I am THANKFUL that being kind has been HEARTfelt.  I am THANKFUL that I can have my HEART set on something such as a life upgrade (Lord, I am ready when You are).  I am THANKFUL that I can WRITE allowing things to flow from my HEART.  I am THANKFUL that I have been able to cry my HEART out because release is important when my HEART has been heavy. 

My HEART is often full. I wear my emotions for all to see even when they don't know me from the next.  My HEART is real deep and runs though all sorts of emotion.  My HEART is ready for LOVE.

                   

I am THANKFUL that HEART heals from HEARTbreak.  I believe that we have all experienced it in one way or another.  We have loved and been broken no matter what the relationship may have been.  We have lost and been broken and we have had all experienced some sort of matter of the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that all matters of the HEART make us stronger and define us to be better people. ~Love, Curiosity and my Freckled Thoughts~

Wednesday's Words and Lyrics: Smoking Cigarettes by Tweet

Why, oh why
Gave you several years of my life
And it just ain't right
What's your perception of love
Now, how many times did we say it was over
And how many times did we not leave
There's no sense in this love hangover
Please come back to me

Cause I can't forget your ways
I still remember our first kiss
I'm nervous and tremblin'
Smoking cigarettes at night
Wondering where you been
Smoking cigarettes at night
I can't cope with this
Smoking cigarettes at night
Your the one to help me quit

Smoking cigarettes at night

In the midnight hour
Late midnight hour
I see the etch of yo face
And it makes it hard for me to breathe
What can I do to change your decision
Please work with me (me, me)
Sometimes my eyes won't close from weepin'
And sometimes I can't wake up from sleepin' (why)
Cause you keep callin' me, keep callin' me in my dreams
I can't forget your ways
I still remember our first kiss
You got me nervous and tremblin'
Smoking cigarettes at night
Wondering where you been
Smoking cigarettes at night
I can't cope with this
Smoking cigarettes at night
You’re the one to help me quit
Smoking cigarettes at night
Newport's, Winston's, Salem's, Marlboro Lights
Don't matter what the kind is
Cause you got me smoking out on you
Got me puffin' 'bout a pack a night
And I know it ain't healthy
Nervous and tremblin'
Smoking cigarettes at night
Wondering where you been

Smoking cigarettes at night
I can't cope with this
Smoking cigarettes at night
You’re the one to help me quit
Smoking cigarettes at night
Nervous and tremblin'
Smoking cigarettes at night
I'm nervous and tremblin'
Wondering where you been
Smoking cigarettes at night

I can't cope with this
Smoking cigarettes at night
Smokin'
You’re the one to help me quit
Smoking cigarettes at night
No it ain't healthy
Smokin'
Gotta quit
You’re the only one

Wednesday's Words and Lyrics: Fool of Me by Meshell NdegeOcello

fool of me

I remember when you filled my heart with joy

Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space

'Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say

And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb

What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside

You made a fool of me

Tell me why

You say that you don't care but we made love

Tell me why

You made a fool of me

you made a fool of me

I want to kiss you

Does she want you with the pain that I do

 I smell you in my dreams

But now when we're face to face

you won't look me in the eye

No time

no friendship

 no love

Don't say don't touch you

I can't touch you no more

Can't touch you anymore

anymore

I don't touch you anymore

You made a fool of me

Tell me why

You say that you don't care but we made love

Tell me why

You made a fool of me

you made a fool of me

Tell me why

You made a fool of me

Tell me why

Dear Heartache

Dear Heartache,

You made a fool of me.  Allowed me to feel so many amazing things at one point and then took it all away to make me feel broken alone and defeated.  I don’t like to play games and cannot fathom the reason as to why you felt the need to play with my heart and complicated my emotions.  My heart was so fragile and my emotions confuse my logic. 

Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.  The laughter of pain is a tearful shame.  The shame fills up the pain of the heart and wounds the soul.  The hurt turns to anger that soon exacerbates the stomach’s pit. Constant tears drained night after night in an attempt to purge the array of emotions that consume the spirit that was once full of happiness.  Attempting to make sense of that has transpired to brought to this point to be engulfed you and this heartbreak.  The crying doesn’t heal and doesn’t fix the void you have caused.  You, heartache, promote so much pain.

Hurt, anger, confusion, mild rage, sadness brings me closer to you.  Wishing not to hold onto you in my dreams and move past your selfish intentions to hold me captive.  I want to believe this not forever and that one day moving forward and past will bring light to the end of this dark tunnel.   

I slowly feel you unwrapping me and leaving me apart and alone.  All these emotions at once, completely numb with no way to run.  The desire for you to go away is so real and unshakable at the same time.  Yearning for the love but we keep bumping into you like this.  Not able to shake you and frustration settles your deep ache and continual burn.

I refuse to give into you.  You will not continue to consume me.  I have faith and favor.  I have belief in the great good and will depart from you.  I just have to hope for better.  It can happen and it will.  I will be stronger and you will not last always. 

Goodbye Heartache

once upon a time he hurt me...

Once upon a time he hurt me, though initially it was not intentional.  It happens when he wasn’t strong enough to pass on the temptation of her.  She wanted him and he was so struck by his own ego that he didn’t pay attention to the set up.  I told him to watch out for her.  He told me that I was acting green though all I saw was red in protection to my love.  He gave into her though of his own choice and they created another.  A life that was not mine to share.  The cheat wasn’t the worst of the hurt.  It was more so that fact that he didn’t heed the warning and mistook it as a jealous girlfriend which I was not.  You see women (though people in general) often disregard the warnings.  I’ve been on the other side of this scenario.  We sometimes want what we want when we want it with no regard to the included parties.  She knew he was not available and she also knew he was into his ego.  She played on that and he allowed himself to be blinded by self centered curiosity.  Just the one time they both concluded but that it was all that it took.  The maximum side of hurt was that he was not man enough to tell me about the result of his discretion which she was all too pleased to share at 16 weeks.  The snide delivery of news made my neck hurt and my face hot.  My blood boiled and fury ran through my veins.  She felt that I needed to know and since he hadn’t spoke of it she believed she to be the one.  He was angry but said we could move forward as if it was much to do about nothing but his baby was not my concern and it was done.  He made a choice which not only changed his life but mine too without so much of a choice for me.  It hurt and he hurt me.  He crumpled my love like the condom package that was supposedly used.  I could not and would not be able to continue with us because it hurt too bad.

Once upon a time he hurt me, though he didn’t see it that way and it wasn’t even his intent.  He had a thing for fast money and street projects that was far greater than his desire to be the man he spoke of being for me.  I never tried to change him but attempted to uplift and encourage him that the streets won’t continue to love him.  He did his best to keep his secular life away from me and when we were together I could feel his potential followed by multiples.  He was good. Damn good.  The love I had for him was blinded by his potential and my blurred point of view kept me satisfied until it didn’t.  His struggles were unfamiliar.  His desires weren’t his ambition.  Constantly investing in so many and never in or for himself.  If only he would but he never did.  There were points of discontent and fear when he didn’t answer his phone or when the phone would ring with an unfamiliar number.  It was not the life I wished but it was my choice to stick around and the judgment behind that decision caused sleepless nights and a supreme yearning for more of my regard and his love.  At the end of the day I couldn’t love him more than he loved himself.  I couldn’t continue to want more for him than he wanted for himself.  He had to decide what he was worth to himself before he continued to fill me with empty promises of letting go.  I could not be the side chick any longer and I couldn’t compete with his hustle.  He chose to do as he had done for so long and I wasn’t worth his ambition.

Once upon a time he hurt me, though he was only thinking of himself to be better for me.  However it hurt nonetheless.  After many years of life lived we were reconnected.  I had no initial expectation but figured at least we could spread wide for old time sake.  We caught up, spoke and decided to rekindle an old flame.  It was hot, sweet, passionate and very honest.  He shared his desires and asked me to be open to the future.  Initially hesitant I gave in and us became we.  We went fast and hard.  He was hard fast and he deeply stroked my mind multiple times in each and every session.  We began to speak of the future and I exhaled believing that God had finally heard my heart blessing me with His Adam to my Eve.  I was in.  He was in.  I began to fall in.  Somewhere he halted. “I love you but I don’t think that I am in love with you.”  Those words left his lips and slowly serenaded my ear before entering and making connection with my brain.  I felt my heart drop before tuning into the rest of the verbiage supporting his initial statement.  There were several concrete details and facts supporting his feelings.  There was no wrong or right.  He was all in his head and was not able to be with me and work on him too.  Though I understood and I knew this circumstance was not due to anything that I had done in particular.  It hurt. It hurt badly.  Those tears came from deep within and the sting of the words spoken caught me off guard though there was no malicious intent.  I felt broken.  How can one be so full of love one moment and then decide to make a decision that impacts us for me with no regard to my heart.  Selfish he admitted but it was how he felt and I respect that to an extent.  We as people are fully entitled to feel as we feel.  I try not to minimize how one feels whether I agree or not.  There was no true comfort. I began to feel all my emotions come to the surface.  I cried. Cried hard exploding heartbreak, hurt, anger mixed with overwhelming frustration.  I cried so hard that breath couldn’t catch up to the tears.  My chest wanted to burst open to free the emotions, yet instead they trickled slowly holding me captive to relive his words over and over in my head.  The thing about being all in my heart and not in my head is that the break is paralyzing.  I don’t want to feel regret especially after I was at a point where I was wide open and feeling completely free to explore all of loves options with him in mind.  I love him and he doesn’t love me enough to fight for us. 

Most great love stories or shall I say fairytales begin with Once upon a time.  Followed by some overcoming circumstance where the conclusion only ends happily ever after.  I would be lying if I said that my love for love doesn’t makes me want to believe in happily ever after.  I still want to believe in fairytales and sometimes it’s hard to feel the joys of love when hurt sneaks in the mix.  I still believe and I have learned that every experience is character building and will bring one step closer to be prepared for the love of my life.  I just have to stay open and one day my once upon at time will have my very own happy ending.