my broken heart

So much life has been happening and I am having a hard time keeping my head and my heart in sync.  There are so many things to be thankful for and I am grateful that I don’t look like all of what is going on within me.  It all feels like a constant struggle to keep up with my happiness and still feel the pain.  My heart hurts and I am tired. 

Death has a way of bringing on so many emotions and while it is bittersweet the bitter tends to linger a while.  Heartbreak is a real thing but I only wish that it was not as strong as I feel that I have given it credit.   It looms over my spirit and I fight so hard to not succumb to it suffrage.  I wish to not be captive to but it has taken up residency.

Heartbreak became very real when my daddy died yet he looked so peaceful.  It was final.  There was nothing to be said of felt again.  I can still feel that moment when it occurred.  It took my breath away and I felt my heart break.  The release was too much as I couldn’t catch my breath.  Every emotion came over me at one time and it was too much.  That cry still scares me to this day.  I do not wish that on anyone.  It just hurts real bad and there is nothing you can do but just feel it.  It absolutely sucks and sucks everything out of you for a period and never goes away.  There comes a point where it is just bearable for a time until it feels up for release.  I miss my daddy every day and it was time to not cry and hurt like that every day.

In January, my grandmother died after a period with Alzheimer.  I watched her change but she was still here.  There were still moments where she was herself all the way to the end.  When I got that phone call, my heart broke again.  I couldn’t believe it.  I thought that I had a little more time and I couldn’t get myself together.  My knees gave out and I was paralyzed with grief. I could feel my heart break piece by piece and there was nothing I could do about it.  This feeling reminded me of losing my daddy which brought a myriad of emotions yet this was centered.  It hurt and continues to hurt and at this point I almost cannot cipher between which break I feel moment to moment.

These two people were my everything.  They were a source of strength, my wise counsel, my spirit builders, truth givers and peace makers.  The world feels very different without them in it.  I can completely feel the lack of their presence especially in my life.  I miss them deeply and as go through this journey I know they gave me some great things to carry with me yet I miss their beings.  That part is still hard to handle from moment to moment.

open to change. Am I really?

I may have to dig through the bad days just to get to the good ones. And yes I may fall, I may tumble...but I will not crumble.

It is hard..I just keep repeating the verse, "Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4

EVERYTHING has changed and I am just trying to appreciate every moment.  

Currently collecting my thoughts.

It was Storming...

The wind blew and the trees swayed while the rain began to fall. The rain was cold in competition with the crispiness of the air.  The sky grew dark and the colors were many shades of gray.  The feel was somber and my spirit felt a nervous calmness.  The storm was coming.  The clouds were full of despair and at the capacity with only the ability to release all of sadness, frustration, anger and most of all fear.  Fear of the absolute unexpected and the realization that destruction looms. 

Destruction has been a constant the last few years.  It has been surrounding and affecting so many people as well as impacting all that has been obtained, collected, built and established.  The storm has no regard to these matters and is insistent on releasing all the pressure.  As the sky begins to cry slowly the air continues to chill.  The shift in the temperature unsettles the spirit and seeking a refuge is the initial thought with worry straddling behind.  The wind becomes fierce and the tree sway becomes more of an uncoordinated rock.  There was a brief calm before the sky let loose and the anger unconstrained in the form of rain.  The roar was reminiscent of a train and the lighting lit the sky almost like a fireworks show.  It is kind of amazing how poetic darkness and light can be in the midst.  In that moment I could relate to the storm.  It is almost scary how relevant the storm is to life.

Life is happening and can be a constant cyclone of emotion, a hurricane of disasters and more than enough rain to either have overflow of feelings.  Far too often I feel alone in the storm without a direction or any sort of peace.  All the matters of my heart conflict and rage into a frenzy that works me up and out without any regard to an outlet.  I don’t know which way to turn, who to talk to or if anyone tends to care about all the shit that is currently going in my head.  There is no regard for wrong right or indifferent.  There are only feelings.  Not enough this or desire for more of that, too much distance, family and friends under and over attack, not knowing where the next is coming from.  To not be sure if love is enough and if the transition will make me or break me down and if I will crumble under the pressures.  I miss my daddy and I need him to help put all of this into perspective.

My heart is heavy and full.  I tend to hold it all within but far too often the load gets heavy and there’s need for release.  Sometimes it doesn’t all make sense and everything is everywhere.  There have been so many natural disasters in the form of storms happening and life still continues.  No one is exempt from the storm no matter the race, orientation, and sex or other.  We all go and grow through things.  We all have a tendency to feel overwhelmed with life and the storm sometimes seems to be the most destructive circumstances.  I’m grateful that I am able to endure the storms of life and watch the aftermath flourish.  We can survive.

FUmissindependentCK

I am sure that there will be some positive and negative spins on this subject but it is what it is and I feel how I feel. However you are all entitled to your own opinions but I do hope for a discussion. Fuck Miss Independent! At the end of the day I am single and am only INDEPENDENT due to circumstance. Yea I said it and I only partially mean it. I have to work and take care of myself (with occasional help from the parental units). I have to go to work so I have to pay my bills and possibly purchase a fabulously sexy pair of shoes for that off the banger shoe-gasm instead of my B.O.B. Yes, sometimes it is like that when a sista is on a drought like California.

                               I digress…

I am only truly independent because I have to be and because my mother and father taught me to depend on myself. My father taught me the discipline of martial arts and sports (soccer and track). He encouraged my mom to keep it feminine. My mother was strict about education and even encouraged college out of state so that I would have new experiences. While my parents were together, I watched my father provide for our family. He made sure we were all well taken care of. He was a man that tried to honor is role as a man, a father, a husband. I also saw my mother struggle to get her degree, work a full time job and raise two daughter while trying to find her independence. She never really had to work because she was provided for and when her life changed she had to make some changes as well. While my father was involved in our lives, he was no longer in our home. It changed me and I always wanted to be sure that I wouldn’t have the shift of roles or be so dependent on a man but when we know better we do better. All of that and I am still a single lady that doesn't have a ring on her or a love that is my very own.

                     
                            Again, I digress...

I have said this before when the question of my "status" comes up. I need a man to be my man and be able assume the role of being a man. If I had a man that was man enough to be my man it would be about him being head of household. Yeah I said it and it is ordained by God (read your good book sometimes). I would love the opportunity to work and not have to be completely responsible for keeping our household. Frankly, I am not all that responsible but I do my best. I had a conversation with a potential husband applicant and he said that if we were to get married I should be happy that all the bills were paid = roof over your head, all utilities paid including cable and internet so I could talk to you all that our home was fully furnished. I was listening to him thinking hell yeah sounds like a plan and where do I sign. Not really but honestly it sounds good to me. He went on to share with me that my shoe habit was not really an issue but I would have to work to maintain habit (in my head that was truly make it a habit) but nonetheless I heard what he was saying. He explained to me that he was a man and if I were his wife it was his duty to provide the necessities of living (i.e. home, car and good love and communication etc.) and return he would hope that I would respect our home by keeping it clean and kept, his desire to work (he drives trucks so he is gone for long periods at a time but he loves his work) and make sure that we maintained our relationship and kept it sexily nasty not necessarily only in the bedroom but you get the point. Hell, I can do that daddy went through my head as I heard my favorite Luther wedding song in my head and imagined this wonderful party because we eloped and decided to have a party after the fact. We just wanted to be married. :)

Seriously, I heard him and truly listened to what he had to say upon the subject. The conversation went more in depth but it's truly known of your business or relevant to this matter. However I did wonder if I truly have the ability to let my man (future husband) be my man in every aspect of the word and if that is why I am single.  I would like to believe that I am sincerely ready to let go of my singularly independent ways and become part of partnership. Although, I have been taking care of myself for a long time. I like being able to come and go as I please. I can appreciate that when I am irresponsible it only impacts me for the most part. I like that I do not have children and don’t have to care after anyone but me. I like that I don’t have to communicate my desires to someone or be conscious of how they feel about things and even compromise on life changing situations. All of that sounds good but aren't some of these things contradicting attributes of marriage?

I understand that I must be able to bring something to the table. I have to have something to offer besides that wonderful gift between my legs. I have to be there for him, support him, nourish him, love him, stroke (not only in the sexual sense) but I have to allow my man to be a man. I must respect his place as my man and I as his woman. We all have our roles in relationships and I sometimes see us all not respecting our positions (roles). Again, I say read your good book). Women sometimes get too caught up with being independent that we sometimes feel like we can be a man and cross that line. Then there are men that want to be men but do not want hold the title in its entirety.

Honestly, I can deal with that and I want that. I want a man that is man enough to be my man. A man that has a back bone, good communication, doesn’t mind telling me the truth even when there is a chance that my feelings may get hurt (though Imma need him to find a tactful way of saying it to me). A man that believes that being a man is taking care of his family and being a provider (emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially). It is his role as head of household and it is divine order (God, Man than Woman). However we live in a society where there are not too many two parent households and where a mother sometimes has to do her best to teach a boy to be a man when it is not her role to do so. We live in a society where it is ok for a woman to carry both roles of mother and father where she does as much as possible to provide for her family and bear the burden of possibly not having enough time, money, help, love etc. We live in a society where it is ok for men to make babies and be completely responsible for them (full time or otherwise). Where there are dudes that are boys trying to be men by whatever example they find. It is a cycle that continues and not completely understood. So yeah, that sister considers herself independent and it is idolized which is not a bad thing but she is something else when she not capable of appreciating a good man when he comes her way because she is conditioned to take care of self. She doesn’t know any different. She builds walls and doesn’t allow herself to let a man be a man and may not be able to recognize it at all because she can do it all herself because she is Miss Independent or goes back to her being Miss Independent – Yes there is something about her and no she cannot spend any time. I love Ne-Yo and don’t get me wrong but is there really something about her. All through the song he doesn’t really say anything truly positive or uplifting. However it does sound good and I have nothing against a woman that is her own boss. In fact I embrace it but I am not really referring to a woman being her person. I am more so referring the dynamic of roles in relationships and how we play them.

Let’s be honest for a second even if we agree to disagree, it is cool. No one wants to be alone and we all want to have our own identities. We want to be able to fend for ourselves and take care of ourselves. We want to be all that we can be. I am thankful for the day where a woman can have jobs that were once looked upon as man’s work. I embrace that fact that women as a whole embrace being able to get an education, work for themselves and purchase their own homes. It is wonderful that we live in a country where a woman can run for president. Yes all of these things are wonderful especially when once upon a time women were not able to do so. YAY LADIES!!! It is indeed a blessing and with all of that in mind that we can be liberated/ independent. We can do it all but we are not men. We are women that should conduct ourselves as such. Men and women are different. We not only have different parts but different views. This woman just happens to believe that INDEPENDENCE doesn’t have to define me. Whereas I don’t believe that I need a man to define me I would like to have one that I can say that is evenly yoked. I believe that Jill Scott said best when she “And even though I can do all these things, I need you…” It is so true.

The Fact Is (I Need You) - Jill Scott

EXamples of He – Not for Me

PART 2

EX 2:  My love for you was bottomless and is years and years and years long with no real purpose or desire but it was passionate and it was full of fireworks and it penetrates me deep to climax each and every time. Thank goodness but at the end of the day there is no true release and even after I cum my love is still with me and I am still alone trying to maintain what I hope we will be or what we have in my fantasy world but now this is reality and the this love hurts and it is one sided and I can’t carry the burden for the both of us. It’s not fair and it’s not enough.  So now as you go and give up on us, know that once you leave, you cannot come back, I am closed and there will be no more.  This is your decision and I need you say good bye and let me go so that we can conclude this novel.  All of the chapters have been written and the preface did not have enough detail.  This story must come to an end with no happy ending.  The curtain must fall and I will watch you exit stage left.  I cry and reflect on the fact that there is not wrong or any right, no fault, no good or bad involved.  We are just two hearts on different beats to different tunes no longer playing together in harmony.  I sit here purging.  Letting go of all the things of my heart for you and the love is still there but this is confirmation that it has never been enough.  You have to love love before you can love me but you need to love yourself before that.  I love you but it’s not enough and I know that but through it all it doesn’t make me stop loving you. Love loving you and being in love with the thought of you loving me back, the way that I need you too-unconditional and unquestioned and uncompromising.  Loving you has not always been easy and there is times when it beautiful.  I love how you look when you are feeling my love and we are making love and you are just being my lover - Over and over and over. But again, it’s not enough and it’s ok.  I am ok and in fact I am thankful for the opportunity to love and hope that one day it will love me back in a way that does not hurt.  One day it will be my turn but now that I am letting you go maybe it will find me.

~LOVE, Curiosity and My Freckled Words...~

Happy Heart Day

The HEART is a very sensitive instrument.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is a vital organ that is synonymous with love.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is more than a metaphor.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is the seat of the soul.  I am THANKFUL that you cannot live without the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART pumps and beats.  I am THANKFUL that the average HEART beats 72 times per minute and it beats over 100,000 times a day.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART beats almost 38 million times a year.

My HEART has been used, abused, adorned, held, embraced, sacrificed, loved, hated, pumped, broken, mended... I have made it through.  With all of that involvement, it still remains hopeful and open to the possibility of LOVE.

I am THANKFUL that I have a HEART to be merciful.  I am THANKFUL that I can have a change of HEART to change your mind.  I am THANKFUL that I can know something by HEART which isn’t phone numbers due to technology making me lazy minded.  I am THANKFUL that I have had my HEART in the right place to help ENCOURAGE people.  I am THANKFUL that being kind has been HEARTfelt.  I am THANKFUL that I can have my HEART set on something such as a life upgrade (Lord, I am ready when You are).  I am THANKFUL that I can WRITE allowing things to flow from my HEART.  I am THANKFUL that I have been able to cry my HEART out because release is important when my HEART has been heavy. 

My HEART is often full. I wear my emotions for all to see even when they don't know me from the next.  My HEART is real deep and runs though all sorts of emotion.  My HEART is ready for LOVE.

                   

I am THANKFUL that HEART heals from HEARTbreak.  I believe that we have all experienced it in one way or another.  We have loved and been broken no matter what the relationship may have been.  We have lost and been broken and we have had all experienced some sort of matter of the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that all matters of the HEART make us stronger and define us to be better people. ~Love, Curiosity and my Freckled Thoughts~

Day 13: I am THANKFUL for the HEART (late edition)

The HEART is a very sensitive instrument.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is a vital organ that is synonymous with love.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is more than a metaphor.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is the seat of the soul.  I am THANKFUL that you cannot live without the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART pumps and beats.  I am THANKFUL that the average HEART beats 72 times per minute and it beats over 100,000 times a day.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART beats almost 38 million times a year. 

I am THANKFUL that I have a HEART to be merciful.  I am THANKFUL that I can have a change of HEART to change your mind.  I am THANKFUL that I can know something by HEART which isn’t phone numbers due to technology making me lazy minded.  I am THANKFUL that I have had my HEART in the right place to help ENCOURAGE people.  I am THANKFUL that being kind has been HEARTfelt.  I am THANKFUL that I can have my HEART set on something such a life upgrade (Lord, I am ready when You are).  I am THANKFUL that I can WRITE allowing things to flow from my HEART.  I am THANKFUL that I have been able to cry my HEART out because release is important when my HEART has been heavy. 

I am THANKFUL that HEART heals from HEARTbreak.  I believe that we have all experienced it in one way or another.  We have loved and been broken no matter what the relationship may have been.  We have lost and been broken and we have had all experienced some sort of matter of the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that all matters of the HEART make us stronger and define us to be better people.

Today’s HEART Thought: Many of us have at some time dreamt of owning one of those magic purses that would never be empty. No matter how much money we would draw from it, it would remain full! As it turns out, we already have such a contraption in us and this one's worth a lot more than a trillion enchanted wallets. Our HEART can love 24-hours a day without ever running empty. As a matter of fact, the more love we pass to others, the more love we'll have!

Author Unknown

But Greatly Appreciated!

 

 

Dear Heartache

Dear Heartache,

You made a fool of me.  Allowed me to feel so many amazing things at one point and then took it all away to make me feel broken alone and defeated.  I don’t like to play games and cannot fathom the reason as to why you felt the need to play with my heart and complicated my emotions.  My heart was so fragile and my emotions confuse my logic. 

Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.  The laughter of pain is a tearful shame.  The shame fills up the pain of the heart and wounds the soul.  The hurt turns to anger that soon exacerbates the stomach’s pit. Constant tears drained night after night in an attempt to purge the array of emotions that consume the spirit that was once full of happiness.  Attempting to make sense of that has transpired to brought to this point to be engulfed you and this heartbreak.  The crying doesn’t heal and doesn’t fix the void you have caused.  You, heartache, promote so much pain.

Hurt, anger, confusion, mild rage, sadness brings me closer to you.  Wishing not to hold onto you in my dreams and move past your selfish intentions to hold me captive.  I want to believe this not forever and that one day moving forward and past will bring light to the end of this dark tunnel.   

I slowly feel you unwrapping me and leaving me apart and alone.  All these emotions at once, completely numb with no way to run.  The desire for you to go away is so real and unshakable at the same time.  Yearning for the love but we keep bumping into you like this.  Not able to shake you and frustration settles your deep ache and continual burn.

I refuse to give into you.  You will not continue to consume me.  I have faith and favor.  I have belief in the great good and will depart from you.  I just have to hope for better.  It can happen and it will.  I will be stronger and you will not last always. 

Goodbye Heartache

UNINSPIRATION (S/O to DianaBoss)

(Uninspiration - made up by my buddy – DianaBoss - she likes to make up words)

Im in a strange place in my life right now.  I am so not where I want to be in my life.  I am grateful to have a job though that is all that it is, just a job – not a career.  I thought that things were going to work out at my current job and it would turn into a career opportunity but it has not.  Honestly, I like what I do but I am not passionate about it.  In fact, I am not quite sure what my real passion is or even what my purpose may be.  I am good at several different things and there are several things that I would like to do but not sure what I really want to do with my life.  I am not sure what the something is that prompts my personal plateau of success.

My sense of direction seems to be pointing in several different directions.  My Libra scales are off balance which has me all out of wack and off kilter.  My heart is all out of sorts of unfulfilled.  My relationships are kind of crazy at the moment.  There are some ups and downs.  There are some strong points and there is some room for rectification.  I am grateful to have good people in my life.  They are patient and understanding which is such a blessing.

As for the writing – so much started but not much completed.  I am passionate about it but my procrastination has a way of interfering my production.  I have allowed it a bit too long.  Though writing is like having a baby.  You have to give birth to words but before you can do that you have to carry/nurture them for a while.  This is my story and sticking to it.

In one of my daily devotionals it spoke of expecting deliverance when you feel you are at the dead end.  It spoke to me so I shared it with friends. I tend to do that from time to time.  I refer to them as daily inspirations.  I had two friends respond to this email and it was a blessing to me.  Though I know that I am not the only one feeling delayed in my dreams, it sometimes is encouraging to have people in my immediate life share that they are in the same place and they were encouraged by me.  

So the UNINSPIRATION IS SLOWLY BECOMING INSPIRED.

once upon a time he hurt me...

Once upon a time he hurt me, though initially it was not intentional.  It happens when he wasn’t strong enough to pass on the temptation of her.  She wanted him and he was so struck by his own ego that he didn’t pay attention to the set up.  I told him to watch out for her.  He told me that I was acting green though all I saw was red in protection to my love.  He gave into her though of his own choice and they created another.  A life that was not mine to share.  The cheat wasn’t the worst of the hurt.  It was more so that fact that he didn’t heed the warning and mistook it as a jealous girlfriend which I was not.  You see women (though people in general) often disregard the warnings.  I’ve been on the other side of this scenario.  We sometimes want what we want when we want it with no regard to the included parties.  She knew he was not available and she also knew he was into his ego.  She played on that and he allowed himself to be blinded by self centered curiosity.  Just the one time they both concluded but that it was all that it took.  The maximum side of hurt was that he was not man enough to tell me about the result of his discretion which she was all too pleased to share at 16 weeks.  The snide delivery of news made my neck hurt and my face hot.  My blood boiled and fury ran through my veins.  She felt that I needed to know and since he hadn’t spoke of it she believed she to be the one.  He was angry but said we could move forward as if it was much to do about nothing but his baby was not my concern and it was done.  He made a choice which not only changed his life but mine too without so much of a choice for me.  It hurt and he hurt me.  He crumpled my love like the condom package that was supposedly used.  I could not and would not be able to continue with us because it hurt too bad.

Once upon a time he hurt me, though he didn’t see it that way and it wasn’t even his intent.  He had a thing for fast money and street projects that was far greater than his desire to be the man he spoke of being for me.  I never tried to change him but attempted to uplift and encourage him that the streets won’t continue to love him.  He did his best to keep his secular life away from me and when we were together I could feel his potential followed by multiples.  He was good. Damn good.  The love I had for him was blinded by his potential and my blurred point of view kept me satisfied until it didn’t.  His struggles were unfamiliar.  His desires weren’t his ambition.  Constantly investing in so many and never in or for himself.  If only he would but he never did.  There were points of discontent and fear when he didn’t answer his phone or when the phone would ring with an unfamiliar number.  It was not the life I wished but it was my choice to stick around and the judgment behind that decision caused sleepless nights and a supreme yearning for more of my regard and his love.  At the end of the day I couldn’t love him more than he loved himself.  I couldn’t continue to want more for him than he wanted for himself.  He had to decide what he was worth to himself before he continued to fill me with empty promises of letting go.  I could not be the side chick any longer and I couldn’t compete with his hustle.  He chose to do as he had done for so long and I wasn’t worth his ambition.

Once upon a time he hurt me, though he was only thinking of himself to be better for me.  However it hurt nonetheless.  After many years of life lived we were reconnected.  I had no initial expectation but figured at least we could spread wide for old time sake.  We caught up, spoke and decided to rekindle an old flame.  It was hot, sweet, passionate and very honest.  He shared his desires and asked me to be open to the future.  Initially hesitant I gave in and us became we.  We went fast and hard.  He was hard fast and he deeply stroked my mind multiple times in each and every session.  We began to speak of the future and I exhaled believing that God had finally heard my heart blessing me with His Adam to my Eve.  I was in.  He was in.  I began to fall in.  Somewhere he halted. “I love you but I don’t think that I am in love with you.”  Those words left his lips and slowly serenaded my ear before entering and making connection with my brain.  I felt my heart drop before tuning into the rest of the verbiage supporting his initial statement.  There were several concrete details and facts supporting his feelings.  There was no wrong or right.  He was all in his head and was not able to be with me and work on him too.  Though I understood and I knew this circumstance was not due to anything that I had done in particular.  It hurt. It hurt badly.  Those tears came from deep within and the sting of the words spoken caught me off guard though there was no malicious intent.  I felt broken.  How can one be so full of love one moment and then decide to make a decision that impacts us for me with no regard to my heart.  Selfish he admitted but it was how he felt and I respect that to an extent.  We as people are fully entitled to feel as we feel.  I try not to minimize how one feels whether I agree or not.  There was no true comfort. I began to feel all my emotions come to the surface.  I cried. Cried hard exploding heartbreak, hurt, anger mixed with overwhelming frustration.  I cried so hard that breath couldn’t catch up to the tears.  My chest wanted to burst open to free the emotions, yet instead they trickled slowly holding me captive to relive his words over and over in my head.  The thing about being all in my heart and not in my head is that the break is paralyzing.  I don’t want to feel regret especially after I was at a point where I was wide open and feeling completely free to explore all of loves options with him in mind.  I love him and he doesn’t love me enough to fight for us. 

Most great love stories or shall I say fairytales begin with Once upon a time.  Followed by some overcoming circumstance where the conclusion only ends happily ever after.  I would be lying if I said that my love for love doesn’t makes me want to believe in happily ever after.  I still want to believe in fairytales and sometimes it’s hard to feel the joys of love when hurt sneaks in the mix.  I still believe and I have learned that every experience is character building and will bring one step closer to be prepared for the love of my life.  I just have to stay open and one day my once upon at time will have my very own happy ending.

Me, He & She (reblog inspired by My Love by Jill Scott)

Me, He & She

Me + He = We. We were once a good team.  We were sweet, simple and somewhat stimulating.  We crossed paths at a good time.  Our rekindled flame took off fast and was completely unexpected.  There was a level of comfort that seemed instant that lead to everyday.  The “it” factor was absolutely evident.  Our infatuation was wonderfully creative with sweet creaminess of cherry vanilla ice cream.

My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer, didn’t you know this or didn’t you notice

Our connection was deeper than anticipated. We laughed, conversed and made the time without boundaries.  There weren’t too many limits.  He said that he liked that there was no red tape-no bullshit with me, no need to sneak – day/night to midnights with some drunken stupors. You know that drunken alcohol induced sex that was sweat funky and nastily intense. Especially spectacular.  We were good, cool, sexy… Then he changed his mine.  It was his prerogative to no longer want me or to be a “we”.

My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer, didn’t you know this or didn’t you notice

She’s not as simple.  She has baggage.  She is somewhat insecure, though he may have made her that way.  She is not as stimulating so he says.  She is all the things that he claimed not to want, so he says.  She snoops.  She tried to find something and anything when there may or may not be nothing.  She goes through his stuff.  She complains, sometimes petty and mildly confrontational.  He says he is not all the way happy with she but she has been there and has gone through some things.  He and she are still a “we”.  She’s the one that puts up with his shit in order to be a “we”.  The same shit that was not for me.  All the bad with all the good.  He is not always so good to she but she deals to have he.   He and she but then there’s always the thought me.

My love is deeper, tighter, sweeter, higher, flyer, didn’t you know this or didn’t you notice

So, in all honesty, there is a diminutive part of me that wants he but more so in the concept of what we had before she.  He always felt real good kind of like crown royal on ice.  It went down smooth and easy.  Mmm, mmm, mmm good with a side of finger licking and ass smacking.  The ideas of me and he make me warm and tingly.  He sure did smell good.  He just runs cross my mind sometimes – how we use to ooooh… yeah and kiss this and this and this and this and this and this and this and that.  We shared climaxes and indulged in a plethora of oohs and aahs to tempos of E sharp (exciting) on a very regular basis.  Damn remembering when we…

She is not me nor does he want me.  No competitions necessary.  He is not for me and the reality is that She has He and He wants to be with She more than the piece of he that desires me.  I like that he sometimes wants a piece of me.  Truth is that He was never really good for me but I often think of how we use to be.

Never allow someone to be your priority when they make you their option.

Random Relationship Thoughts...

If you love me and you want to be with me.  You love me with all my faults… truly believe in what we are developing.  What is the problem with letting me in your heart...fully? 

  Here I am – nakedly me with all my potential. 

Where are you?

RIP Grandma Freckles

Saturday morning my phone rang at 4:53 am.  I cracked my right eye open to check out the caller ID and it said my cousin’s name.  I was awaken by her trembling voice as she heard herself say the words out loud.  It’s ironic how real situations are when they are spoken out loud.  Then she said it with full emotional break, “Granny passed this morning”. Oh no.

I instantly felt paralyzed knowing the reality was full frontal.   In that moment I immediately went back to the moment that I learned that my father (her son) had died.  I needed to hear it then as now.  I am so grateful that we spoke the previous week.  I am grateful for the conversation with my auntie that lead to the opportunity to say “I love you” just one last time.  I am grateful for the words that she spoke to me that gave me comfort and left me reassured that we would laugh again.  In the reflection of that moment I now see how final it was.  I didn’t have that when my daddy died.  There was/is so much guilt consuming my heart for that.  I grateful that God didn’t see it necessary to put that on me again.

It’s ironic when you folks (i.e. ME) say that there are some things/people that I will not being taking into the new year not really considering what that statement really means.  I had no clue that it included my grandmother who I thought had some more time.  We do not always take into consideration that time is not always of us.  It’s more precious than we give credit.  It does not wait or linger.  It just constantly moves (with or without).  There is nothing like death to put some things into perspective encouraging you to put your priorities and people in order.

My heart is full and my mind is cluttered.  In my frustration I am hurt that I will not be able to attend her funeral.  I am grateful that I was able to assist with my sister’s fare to Illinois so she could attend for us.  My cousin put together our grandmother’s obituary and thought of me to assist her.  I shared with her that I truly appreciated her for including me.  It gives me joy to be apart in some minute way.  She assured me that I was her baby too and it was only right.  She asked me to write something for grandma’s obituary and I did so.  This is what I wrote:

With bowed heads and closed eyes, we give thanks to Thee. We thank Him for the blessing of your warm spirit, caring nature and jubilant smile. Your warm spirit calmed each heart and allowed so many to fall in love.  Every person that has ever been in your presence is better because of you.  The right words at the right time, always comforting and always sincere.  Always teaching what’s right and what’s wrong while rising to meet every challenge.

Oh, how your legacy sings!

With bowed heads and closed eyes, we give thanks to Thee.  Thankful for the root where our foundation begins and acknowledging that you are the inspiration of our dreams and our strength to succeed.  Ever so thankful for your faith that kept us all going.  Your character kept strong with your integrity in tact never being told what couldn’t be done.

Oh, how your legacy sings!

With bowed heads and closed eyes, we give thanks to Thee.  Thankful for your light that will brighten our journey at even the darkest hours.  We will not only celebrate your love for us but the love we all have for you.   We will celebrate your strength, your character, self confidence along with your hard work.

Oh, how your legacy sings!

With bowed heads and closed eyes, we give thanks to Thee.  We thank Him for allowing us to have you for as long as we did so that we may be able to see your example of spirit and spunk.  We love you and know that you will Rest in Paradise Grandma BB.