my broken heart

So much life has been happening and I am having a hard time keeping my head and my heart in sync.  There are so many things to be thankful for and I am grateful that I don’t look like all of what is going on within me.  It all feels like a constant struggle to keep up with my happiness and still feel the pain.  My heart hurts and I am tired. 

Death has a way of bringing on so many emotions and while it is bittersweet the bitter tends to linger a while.  Heartbreak is a real thing but I only wish that it was not as strong as I feel that I have given it credit.   It looms over my spirit and I fight so hard to not succumb to it suffrage.  I wish to not be captive to but it has taken up residency.

Heartbreak became very real when my daddy died yet he looked so peaceful.  It was final.  There was nothing to be said of felt again.  I can still feel that moment when it occurred.  It took my breath away and I felt my heart break.  The release was too much as I couldn’t catch my breath.  Every emotion came over me at one time and it was too much.  That cry still scares me to this day.  I do not wish that on anyone.  It just hurts real bad and there is nothing you can do but just feel it.  It absolutely sucks and sucks everything out of you for a period and never goes away.  There comes a point where it is just bearable for a time until it feels up for release.  I miss my daddy every day and it was time to not cry and hurt like that every day.

In January, my grandmother died after a period with Alzheimer.  I watched her change but she was still here.  There were still moments where she was herself all the way to the end.  When I got that phone call, my heart broke again.  I couldn’t believe it.  I thought that I had a little more time and I couldn’t get myself together.  My knees gave out and I was paralyzed with grief. I could feel my heart break piece by piece and there was nothing I could do about it.  This feeling reminded me of losing my daddy which brought a myriad of emotions yet this was centered.  It hurt and continues to hurt and at this point I almost cannot cipher between which break I feel moment to moment.

These two people were my everything.  They were a source of strength, my wise counsel, my spirit builders, truth givers and peace makers.  The world feels very different without them in it.  I can completely feel the lack of their presence especially in my life.  I miss them deeply and as go through this journey I know they gave me some great things to carry with me yet I miss their beings.  That part is still hard to handle from moment to moment.

Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

RIP Grandma Freckles

Saturday morning my phone rang at 4:53 am.  I cracked my right eye open to check out the caller ID and it said my cousin’s name.  I was awaken by her trembling voice as she heard herself say the words out loud.  It’s ironic how real situations are when they are spoken out loud.  Then she said it with full emotional break, “Granny passed this morning”. Oh no.

I instantly felt paralyzed knowing the reality was full frontal.   In that moment I immediately went back to the moment that I learned that my father (her son) had died.  I needed to hear it then as now.  I am so grateful that we spoke the previous week.  I am grateful for the conversation with my auntie that lead to the opportunity to say “I love you” just one last time.  I am grateful for the words that she spoke to me that gave me comfort and left me reassured that we would laugh again.  In the reflection of that moment I now see how final it was.  I didn’t have that when my daddy died.  There was/is so much guilt consuming my heart for that.  I grateful that God didn’t see it necessary to put that on me again.

It’s ironic when you folks (i.e. ME) say that there are some things/people that I will not being taking into the new year not really considering what that statement really means.  I had no clue that it included my grandmother who I thought had some more time.  We do not always take into consideration that time is not always of us.  It’s more precious than we give credit.  It does not wait or linger.  It just constantly moves (with or without).  There is nothing like death to put some things into perspective encouraging you to put your priorities and people in order.

My heart is full and my mind is cluttered.  In my frustration I am hurt that I will not be able to attend her funeral.  I am grateful that I was able to assist with my sister’s fare to Illinois so she could attend for us.  My cousin put together our grandmother’s obituary and thought of me to assist her.  I shared with her that I truly appreciated her for including me.  It gives me joy to be apart in some minute way.  She assured me that I was her baby too and it was only right.  She asked me to write something for grandma’s obituary and I did so.  This is what I wrote:

With bowed heads and closed eyes, we give thanks to Thee. We thank Him for the blessing of your warm spirit, caring nature and jubilant smile. Your warm spirit calmed each heart and allowed so many to fall in love.  Every person that has ever been in your presence is better because of you.  The right words at the right time, always comforting and always sincere.  Always teaching what’s right and what’s wrong while rising to meet every challenge.

Oh, how your legacy sings!

With bowed heads and closed eyes, we give thanks to Thee.  Thankful for the root where our foundation begins and acknowledging that you are the inspiration of our dreams and our strength to succeed.  Ever so thankful for your faith that kept us all going.  Your character kept strong with your integrity in tact never being told what couldn’t be done.

Oh, how your legacy sings!

With bowed heads and closed eyes, we give thanks to Thee.  Thankful for your light that will brighten our journey at even the darkest hours.  We will not only celebrate your love for us but the love we all have for you.   We will celebrate your strength, your character, self confidence along with your hard work.

Oh, how your legacy sings!

With bowed heads and closed eyes, we give thanks to Thee.  We thank Him for allowing us to have you for as long as we did so that we may be able to see your example of spirit and spunk.  We love you and know that you will Rest in Paradise Grandma BB.

At this moment...

At this moment I am feeling all over the place. Tomorrow is Monday and it may be life changing. We shall see. I am nervous and uncomfortable. I am frustrated and overwhelmed. I am praying for a miracle. pray with me. peace and blessings - Freckles Today My father passed. I hurt - please pray for me.