90 Days...

Today we celebrate our probation period. We have survived, grown and learn a lot about each other. The benefits far out weigh my expectations. My expectations were more than happily ever after but I can honestly say that for the first time in life I am truly just happy with life. We are simply sweet and sometimes sexy. The sexy is the greatest of the benefits.

I am grateful that though it has not been easy with my transition, you've been super accommodating. Thank you. It is not always easy and with this journey we are definitely learning each other. I'm dealing with you single man ways and you try to adjust to all my girly ways but somehow we just make it all work.

I'm so in love with you and being your wife is my greatest joy. I'm glad that you found me when you did. The timing couldn't have been better. We were on the same page at the same time.  Our communication still amazes me. I have never had this kind of mental stimulation consistently before you and love the way that you are so into me, my heart and my spirit. Your encouragement has been monumental and it makes me strive to be better every day. I love the way you make me feel even when you're on my last nerve. Those times challenge me most since we are so in this and I feel like the Lord surely is teaching me patience. Merciful Lord.

I believe in us and our future. I believe that we are suppose to be together. I believe that this 90 days are the first of many to come.  I believe that we will be able to endure all the storms and love each through it.  I am so blessed to be able to continue to live life as your friend, your lover and your wife.  

Dude, I hella love you. Happy 90 days!

Bittersweet Transparency

In this moment, right now, I am feeling all sorts of stuff and I do not quite know where to begin.  All in my head with so much on my mind and plenty of time to think and even over think. I tend to think this way and that way from every point of view with cause and effect and how it will or can affect.  There is just so much on my mind.  I am feeling love, curiosity and all sorts of doubt.  I am simply feeling.  

I spent so much of my adulthood praying, hoping and loving love and now I have it.  It is such a beautiful place to be and while there is not suppose to be a but there is a but that is so bittersweet.  I have the absolute pleasure of living life with the love of my life.  I get to see him every day and love him, encourage him and kiss him every day.  I try my best to make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him, his love and his care. He is such an amazing person with a beautiful spirit that listens to my heart.  That's the easy part.  After we got married in July, I moved from Los Angeles back to Atlanta to be my husband's wife.  This transition has been rather bittersweet.  While I love and truly adore being with him, I left all that was my normal and even once my reality.  My heart and spirit misses those connections and interactions deeply.  The convenience of those interactions sprinkled with a multitude of smiles, infectious laughs, precious moments of love and just genuine friendship.  These friends have become family along with my immediate family being my mother and my sister.  The family that I chose and have grown accustom to having instant access to at most times to not physically at all have been tougher than I would have or could have imagined. After all this is not the first time that I have moved away or even gone away.  This move was not all of a sudden and was very well planned and known for a long while BUT it is very real.  What I feel is very real and it is painful to tears at points.  I often feel very much alone with only myself to comfort.  I just have to feel it and endure each moment without the physical connection.  My love is genuine and very real.  It is whole and complete without fault and all sorts of faith. I am so grateful and yet I feel so guilty for feeling while I am so blessed with all this love. I am human. A human simply feeling.

so much on my mind...

I truly just hate to see bad things to happen to good people especially those that I love.  The kind of people that simply are just good and nice people that seems to not have a malicious bone in their body.  The kind of people that you just want the absolute best for them just because they are simply awesome.  I can’t stand it.  It makes me wanna holler. I mean truly holler because there is nothing I can do to truly help or be able to take the pain away. Nobody wants to hear I am praying for you or Trust and believe that God will not give you more than you can handle.  Ha.  Because in the moment all you can feel is the shit that you are dealing with and wondering if He blinked.  My only bright side is the faith that I almost tend to question.  How can I an awesome God allow these folks to endure such pain then it is faith of a mustard seed and the logic of through is an action word.  My heart aches and seemingly bleeds for those that I love going through life changing, character building and sometimes devastating experiences.  My heart goes to them and I feel pain, hurt and injustice.  Along with that pain goes into all the matters of the world.  ALL of them that go spoken and unspoken with anger and chaos.  I simply feel.  I feel for my friend and her husband dealing with the legal system, dealing with their family strife and the day to say struggles of being black in America.  I feel for my friend's friend that lost her husband to cancer with two small boys to raise with her tribe.  I feel for my friend that is trying her best to be productive and be the best mother she can be with all that matters of her mind holding her captive.  I feel for the friend that is simply tired of keeping it together for everyone else and that feels as if she has nothing left to give.  I feel for every friend that had lost someone that they love and are left putting the pieces together and simply trying to hold on taking it minute by minute.  I feel for those that are just in the world lost and trying to find their place.  I simply feel... and there is so much on my mind.

So much on my mind...

Along with all this change, I must change and change no matter how much for the better it is, it is hard.  It feels like I am constantly in battle with myself as if I am trying to resist that change that I have always wanted yet I want to remain in the comfort.  Love is easy but marriage is hard.  There is so much trust that goes into this yet it is so rewarding.  I try to be patient with myself and kind to him in the process.  I am very imperfect and my intentions are good (most of the time) yet I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated.  Too many feelings and not enough outlets.  Too many feelings and not enough comfort.  I often wish that I didn't feel so deeply for so many as well as myself.  The desire is real.  I want the most and I am just trying to release and purge some of this.  

so much on my mind...

The world is a very scary place which seems to ironic when there is so much love in that feels as

if it should cure so much.  Race Relations are real and I feel the pain of being a black woman often and try not to give into the frustration of anger.  In my head being the change I would like to see is not enough.  I feel that pain of loving a black man in America and hoping that he comes home every day as well as my sons.  Be respectful and kind yet be black at the same time. hard and I am feeling.  I strive to be a good person that doesn't allow all the matters of the world to make me bitter yet it is hard.  I feel so many things and I am not sure how to voice it without sounding as if it is woe is me.  There just has to be more.  It takes too much energy to be angry and that is energy that I just don't feel like I have to give because I am already consumed.  My emotions have me full and at my limit.  

In my Fantasies, Love is...

In my fantasies, love is supposed to feel more than wonderful.  Full of warm fuzzy feelings and fireworks of chemistry.  It’s supposed to be mutual without limitations or boundaries.  It lasts through good days and bad days.  Days that I can’t stand him and he may not like me.  It’s laughter and tears.  It is incomplete sentences, conversational looks, inside jokes and confirmed l high fives.  Love is improperly improper, sometimes weird and a little immature.

Realistically, Love isn’t always patient and not always kind but it is understanding and filled with compromise.  It’s special, sweet and sometimes sexy.  It is intimate kisses, sensual touches  and comforting hugs.  Love is honor and loyalty.   It is simple truth and alternative facts.  It is trust and friendship.  Love is compiled of long walks, long talks upon a multitude of subjects and simply enjoying each other’s company.  Love is two imperfectly whole people uniting into completion. 

In my fantasies, love is supposed to be open to the possibilities and potential excitement about the future.  It is the desire to be in his space and he invading mine.  It is being relaxed in my skin and being ok with him seeing me not always being at my absolute best.  It’s being mindful of what’s said while trying to articulate what is being felt.  Love is not always being right and being ok with no ego.    It is powerfully courageous, constantly growing and deeply devoted with our devotion to spiritually cover each other solidifying that our team is solid with the Most High lighting our path.  It is some doubt mixed with some curiosity and always acknowledging the love.   

In my fantasies, love is truly knowing without a doubt that he loves me in spite of me, my flaws and even my petty.  He loving to be in my presence and hold me close, and I wanting to be as close as much as possible.  Love is quality time with each other and families as well as friendship introductions.  Love is his relationship with my mother, my family and friends that have become family.  Love is his dedication to know them and love their love for me and then us as a unit.  Love is me not having children and embracing his as my own.  Love is peace and prayer with his ability to read me scripture and relate it to us.  Love is praying over that point of scripture together as we converse about our forever.   It is knowing that He leads us and covers our union.  Love is praying for him prior to meeting him and seeing God bless me with the desire of my heart. Love is scriptures written to be read.  Love is Ruth to Boaz. 

In my fantasies, love is not knowing how much I needed him until he entirely gave me his heart and in spite of my “independence” acknowledging that we all have a past.   It is surrendering my being with no regret.  It is being careful who I share my soul with but being able to recognize the God in him to exhale.  Love is being consciously aware and him mentally taking me there.  Love is being free to be vulnerable with him and knowing that it is respected, protected and appreciated.  It is that I know that he is willing to teach but more importantly willing to learn. After all nobody knows it all.  Love is genuinely knowing without a shadow of doubt that I am his chosen one and only as well as the end all be all. It is never questioning how he feels and always acknowledging that God’s love, grace and mercy is our foundation.

Love is recognizing that my fantasy has become my reality.  I am so in love and he loves me back.  I have waited, not always patiently, for the right kind of love from the right man that was truly meant to be man enough to love me and still be the man.  I couldn’t imagine that love could be so wonderful and such a blessing to my existence and I am truly looking forward to loving us and keeping the fantasy alive. 

***Cues up LOVE ALL OVER ME by Monica ***

Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

Take Off Your Cool (to Him inspired by Outkast: Speakerbox/The Love Below)

Take Off Your Cool – Andre 3000 (OutKast) f. Norah Jones

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Dedicated to Him...

See me, Hear me, Feel me…

This is me transparently displaying more than just action with you in regard.  I wanna know all of you.  Know you in the most intimate of your thoughts, pleasures and desires.   I wanna know you all the way through.  Your concepts, ideas, points of view alongside your ambitions and fears.  With that all in my mind, I deliver me unto you.  Open and fully aware, inhibited, freely showing you all of me in return or even prior to. 

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

See me grow, mature and even make some mistakes that may make you somewhat not pleased.  May be hard to watch but knowing I will get through it.  See me excel in my dreams as they come true one by one.  See my expectation to rejoice together.  See me want to be with you and please you.  See me show you without feeling as there is a need to prove.  See us be great, growing together but still keeping each piece in tact.

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Hear me when I say what I feel and desire whether pain, love or randomness.  Hear my honesty, being me in its entirety (good, fab, not so amusing, desirably sexy, and mildly mannish however it be).  Hear my desire for you and us.  Hear my point of view that may not always agree with yours, though respectable that there is a line at disagree.  Hear my heart speak directly to yours in more than just passion, exhilarating spiritual compassion for what’s within.  Hear the expression of soul to soul with no words audibly spoken though full conversations were heard.  Hear me declare us a team, knowing that I am your advocate and never intentionally your adversary.

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Feel my femininity as I am sincerely comfortable being a woman.  I love my features and know what works where with this/that and where it all should be.  Feel that I choose to display my features how I choose to which makes me happy to be me.  Feel that I love me enough to love you.  Feel my flaws as they are in existence in tune with the rest of me even when they’re showcase not some of my best moments.  Feel that it is ok to not particularly be fond of those attributes acknowledging that they are mere parts that should not impact heavier than the things that you adore.  Feel me love hard, completely without restriction.  Feel me allow you into my spaces freely and especially. 

Baby, take off your cool because all I want is to know you.

Confessions, Enlightment and Simple Truth

Recently I had the opportunity to deal with my love/lover/relationship baggage.  I am fairly opposed to referring to it as baggage but it is the tidbit of feeling that seems to have been holding my relationship mojo captive in my present love life expectancies or potentials.  It is the kind of surreal baggage that isn’t known to exist until it comes across the country and sits on your couch looking you in the face.  This kind of baggage is deeply mind blowing leaving me breathless and speechless at the same damn time.  Yet is the baggage that is still wanted and desired to be willing. Heavily deeper than expected, however it was sort of necessary and to be quite frank… It felt real good, even if it was just for the moment.  The moment was especially treasured.  This opportunistic moment spanned in the measurement of 4 days or equivalent to a long weekend.  The opportunity to listen and hear the reflection of the same situations per a different point of view is priceless. I am truly thankful for growth.  The grown woman that I am now is able to listen and truly comprehend while that grown girl that I was would just be like “I hear you”.

SIDEBAR: One of the most wonderful things about people are that we all have a point of view and given any given situation my view point may not be the same as another, however neither one has to be wrong or even right.  It is all in the interpretation and though it can be agreed upon that the situation happened, the way that it happened, both were impacted differently allowing both to feel differently. [INSERT DEEP REFLECTION HERE]

I am a single woman.  I am a single woman that is 35 (almost 36) years old.  I am a single woman that is 35 (almost 36) years old single in a big city full of men in every aspect of the word.  At this point I am not for the bullshit nor am I for the games, though nobody can play and/or run game like this woman right here [POINTS TO SELF] but luckily I attempt to use my super powers for good and not evil.  I am in a place in my life that I am comfortable in my own skin, for the most part.  I am aware of my strengths and weakness as well able to celebrate my fabs and flaws.  I know me.  All of me which includes the not so attractive and unpleasant that still exist and consist of me.  I choose not to share them but do know that I am aware. I am single black woman.  While this fact may not mean much to some, it is my reality.  I am a single black woman that in theory wants to be open to all but have a special love and appreciation for brothas.  I am single woman that is aware and while there are options, I prefer not to be the aggressor or the seeker.  Not only am I single, but I would go as far as to say that I am EXTREMELY SINGLE.  Drastic right?  Kind of but it is not as bad as it seems.  I promise it is not.

THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS… [INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE] I am the kind of single that has some life experiences under my belt and some of those experiences have had experiences.  I have dated and dated and what we like to refer to as dating [INSERT SIDE EYE HERE].  I have seen and felt potential and even almost settled for potential.  I have loved, liked, lusted and even sexed.  I have known right away when he wasn’t, would never be and wondered why I even gave him my number.  I have one night stands that turned into months of what are we doing and I am not ready.  I have experienced that why won’t you love yourself enough to love me the way I deserve to be loved.  That also concluded in a Once Upon a Time… I thought that young infatuation was worth the time but it is now thought of as time wasted trying to hope that he wanted all the things that he stated out of life.  However it was another learned character building experience.  I have dumbed myself down, dealt with PRIDE and EGO, been better to than received, wanted more and not given, been all when it didn’t matter and sat back when there was a she thinking my milkshake was better, felt alone whenever he was around, been excited for nothing, been in the way, wanted more while settling for less, allowed myself to be used and abused, mistreated and unappreciated yet I have had my toes curled, mind fucked, booty caressed and ego stroked, been needed wanted and appreciated.  I have pleased, happy and sad.  I have cried and celebrated. I have needed and wanted closure… [STICK A PIN IN THAT WE MAY REVISIT THAT ANOTHER TIME]

Then there was that one guy that had so much potential and he goals and ambition but lacked drive and got very complacent but his potential.  But that “thang” made me forget all his lack thereof and yes he was around a lot longer than he should have been but for real that “thang”… (smh).  The things he could and would do with his… [INSERT OOOHHH HERE] that made me just want to [INSERT AHHH HERE]. Just being honest.

There was even one who belonged to another.  I was kept and went home to another every night.  He referred to himself as my “special friend” and I agreed.  It always sounds better than it feels in the end.  I have been that and it was an experience.  Sometimes IF one is honest about what they need, they get what they want. THAT STATEMENT JUST WENT OVER SOMEONE’S HEAD.

I thought he was it and I moved and shaked and changed to accommodate.  I chose. I wanted him more than he really wanted to be wanted but at this point in my life I now know it was the NEED that was missing.  It wasn’t just his disconnect; it was that he needed me more than I needed him.  I needed him for all the wrong reasons.  I also was able to see that he wasn’t sure of his absolute desires, needs and/or how to recognize.  It is said that a man knows when she is the one but his timing isn’t always right when he meets her.  I could not be good to me and wait for his time and I wasn’t that woman I needed to be for him.  Thankful for discernment.

There was that one fella that was suppose to but never did. [INSERT PISSED OFF IN MY FEELINGS GLARE HERE] Yeah he doesn’t really deserve a shout out but for real dude…  who you are makes me want to spit on thee.  I chose to listen to you and give into your bullshit packaged in an empty blue box.  I chose and I lost.  I accept my part in that and I own it. I even thank you. Fucking with you allowed me to see something in me that I hadn’t paid attention and/or acknowledged before you and your lies and your pretend trust and pretend loyalty with all the lust. Yeah I did that and I chose.

I digress.

There were several instances and times that I felt needed and or wanted but always still incomplete because it just an experience for preparation.  Even my last actual boyfriend/girlfriend relationship was with a man that I dated in high school.  We tried and our potential was possible however we weren’t on the same page at the same time.  His baggage actually outweighed mine but in my reflection my baggage may have tipped the scales a bit more than I gave credit at the time.  I did believe him to be the end all be all at the time and the love that I felt for him made me want to do things that I hadn’t considered in a long time.  I really wanted us to be we but more than he.  That relationship has been over for 3 ½ years and it took a bit to get over and move all the way past it with all the hurt.  All of these bring back to the baggage that came for closure yet spoke of maybe shoulda, woulda couldas but now all seems to be closure.  The brighter side of closure is that once it is dealt with it brings ENLIGHTMENT.

ENLIGHTMENT MOMENT:  I am single and I am ok with that for now but I am now officially in a place of ready.  I am ready to truly love completely and thoroughly.  I am ready to be patient and kind with my pride aside to be able to honor.  I am ready to be a participant, partner and have the privilege of allowing him to love me in spite of me and all of me.  I am ready for be able to just be, coexist and live this life … together. I don’t have a list.  I don’t have any major obtainable.  I do have a deserve level which needs to be increased.  Those 4 days of moment brought me to this point of confirmation.  I am ready.  I am more ready right now than I have ever been. I am ready for long term.  I am ready and the goal is to be more than sex. 

TO BE CONTINUED…

I still WANT...

I want to be his friend, his lover and his confidant. I want him to feel as if he can talk to me about anything and everything. I want to him to know that sometimes there are no words needed and we can just be silent without it being a problem.  I want to there for him, encourage him and pray for him maybe even more than I pray for myself. I want to see the God in him as he in me.

 

I want a selfless kind of love. I want the kind of love that is worth fighting for. I want the kind that requires immediate and constant attention. I want the kind that makes you wanna disagree so that we can come to agree. I want the kind of love that is hard but doesn’t hurt. I want the kind of love that is full of passion and some pain. I want the kind that weathers the storm and keeps us focused.

I want love.  I want patience.  I want devotion.  I want passion and romance.  I want peace.  I want friendship.  I want kindness.  I want backbone.  I want communication.  I want good eye contact.  I want growth.  I want anticipation.  I want spontaneity.  I want fire and desire.  I want pleasure.  I want emotional, physical and mental penetration.  I want satisfaction.  I want compatibility and accountability.  I want respect and fidelity.  I want humor. I want sympathy/empathy and concern.  I want to be supported and taken care of.  I want balance.  I want to be wanted.  I want good, enjoyable and consistent sex often.   I want monogamy.  I want it all and it doesn't have to be in that order with even a little more.

I want to spend my life with him.  I want to be able to smell him when he’s not around and reach him when he is close. I want to wake up next to him and smile.  I want to be the one. I want to be the only.  I want to be the last thing on his mind.  I want to go to sleep in his arms almost every night.  I want to be able to feel his eyes on me from a distance.  I want to hug him as often as possible.  I want to kiss him. I want to be able to have moments where I touch him there and there and here and there and oh yes, right there.   I want us to cherish our time apart just so we can come together or even cum together.  I want it to feel like the first time each and every time or at least every 3rd, 4th or 5th time.   

I want to have the ability to miss him when he is away. Have the ability to grow when we are together. I want to be on the same page but be able to turn the page – together. I want to be able to set aside my issues and imperfections so there is enough room for him in my heart.  I want be able to understand him when the weight of the world is on his shoulders.  I want him to know that I am there to share some of the load.  I want him to know that he is never alone and that I will always be there as long as he allows me to be.  I want him to allow me to be.

I want to be able to complete his sentences.  I want to be his period, exclamation point and even his comma.  I want us to be poetry in motion. I want us to be more than a beautiful haiku, romantic sonnet or a smooth ballad. I want us to be the combined words that create something wonderful.

I want to be the melody in his tune and the inspiration of his art while being the motivation of his desires. I want him to know that I am in his corner (his front and his back).  I want to know that he knows that I am his #1 fan, his supporter and his encourager. I want to be the one that made him comfortable enough to stop being an I and want to be a “we”.

I want to continue to be patient until we cross paths. I want to continue working on being everything that he will need me to be for we.  I want to be the woman that God has intended me to be.  I want to know the moment when he realizes that I am his one.  I want to be his chosen one.  I want him to be confident in his choice.  I want him to be able to hear God when he says, I created her for you. 

I want to be able to wait for all that I want.  I want to be content with my expectations of want. I want to continue to learn more of what I want.  I want to not mind wanting...

Damn, this is a helluva want.

THANKFUL for LOVE

I am THANKFUL for LOVE.  I am THANKFUL that LOVE is a plethora of emotions.  I have come to terms with the fact that I am in LOVE with LOVE.  I am THANKFUL that LOVE can be authentic, genuine and not delusional. I am THANKFUL that LOVE is what you make it.  I LOVE LOVE.  I LOVE that there are so many forms of LOVE and so many things to LOVE, ways to LOVE...  I LOVE the thoughts associated with LOVE. I am in LOVE with the possibilities of LOVE. I LOVE the desire to LOVE. I LOVE the thought of being in LOVE. I LOVE falling in LOVE.  I LOVE expressing my LOVE (mentally, emotionally and physically and even spiritually). I even LOVE what it takes to be in LOVE and stay in LOVE.  I am THANKFUL that though I am “happily” single (to an extent) that I know that I am capable of LOVE and have the desire to LOVE. I LOVE hard.  I LOVE deep.  I LOVE tough.   I LOVE efficiently and sometimes too much.  I LOVE completely and sometimes effortlessly.  I am THANKFUL for LOVE songs, LOVE stories, LOVE poems, LOVE letters (though I haven’t received one of those in a while).  I am THANKFUL that I am in LOVE me and being in LOVE with me.  I have not always been this woman. I am and have been a true work in progress. In this journey I am THANKFUL that I have learned that you must LOVE yourself in or order to LOVE LOVE or a possibly have a LOVER.  I am THANKFUL that I feel like I have so much LOVE in me and that sometimes though I feel that LOVE has given up on me that I haven’t given up on LOVE.  There are so many reasons why I am THANKFUL for LOVE. 

Ready For Love by India Arie

Merry Love Week!

I am ready for love

Why are you hiding from me

I'd quickly give my freedom

To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love

All of the joy and the pain

And all the time that it takes

Just to stay in your good grace

Lately I've been thinking

Maybe you're not ready for me

Maybe you think I need to learn maturity

They say watch what you ask for 

Cause you might receive 

But if you ask me tomorrow 

I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love

Would you please lend me your ear?

I promise I won't complain 

I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance

I'll prove this to you 

I will be patient, kind, faithful and true

To a man who loves music

A man who loves art

Respects the spirit world

And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love

If you'll take me in your hands

I will learn what you teach

And do the best that I can

I am ready for love

Here with an offering of 

My voice

My eyes

My soul

My mind

Tell me what is enough

To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

LOVE MIXTAPE 50

LOVE MIXTAPE 50 

In no particular order

1. Adore - Prince <----- class="apple-converted-space" span=""> THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG!!!

2. End of the Road – Boyz II Men
3. The Body that Loves You – Janet Jackson

4. For You I Will – Monica

5. I’ll Make Love to You – Boyz II Men (please and thank you)
6. You're Always on My Mind – SWV
7. Piece of My LOVE - Guy 

8. LOVES Holiday – EWF
9. I’m in Love – Mary J. Blige
10. Forever My Lady – Jodeci

11. He Loves Me – Jill Scott (I LOVE THIS SONG)

12. LOVE You Down – Ready for the World
13. Vision of Love – Mariah Carey
14. When Can I See You? – Babyface (when would you like?)

15. If I Ever Fall in Love – Shai
16. Love Takes Time – Mariah Carey
17. Weak – SWV
18. In LOVE with You – Erykah Badu feat. Stephen Marley
19. At Your Best (You Are Love) – Aaliyah

20. Love Wont Let Me Wait – Luther Vandross
21. On Bended Knee – Boyz II Men
22. Anytime – Brian McKnight (often and more than sometimes, anytime)
23. Anniversary – Tony! Toni! Tone!
24. Someone to Love – Jon B. feat. Babyface

25. Happily Ever After – Case (guess what I did today…)
26. All My Life – K-Ci & JoJo
27. Love You - Maxwell
28. Cupid – 112 (and they day he doesn’t lie – hmph)

29. That’s the Way Love Goes – Janet Jackson
30. I’ll Give All My Love to You – Keith Sweat
31. Love All Over Me - Monica
32. Lovin You – Minnie Riperton (waiting on that dream come true)

33. Guess Who Loves You More – Raheem Devaughn

34. Somebody Loves You Baby – Patti LaBelle (and that somebody is me)
35. By Your Side - Sade
36. I will always LOVE you - Whitney Houston
37. I’d Die Without You – PM Dawn

38. All This Love – El DeBarge
39. 143 - Musiq
40. Hey You - Floetry
41. For Real – Amel Larrieux
42. Sweet Love – Anita Baker
43. Getting Late - Floetry  (let's not take our time playing...)

44. I love You – Mary J Blige

45. YOU - Raheem Devaughn
46.  Love – Musiq

47. LOVE Come Down – Evelyn “Champagne” King 
48. I Love You More Than You’ll Ever Know – Donny Hathaway
49. The Way – Jill Scott
50. Because I LOVE you - Lenny Williams