Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

Wednesday's Words & Lyrics: Closer by Goapele

Closer To My Dreams

Coming Over Me

I’m Higher
Closer To My Dreams
I’m GettinGettin’ g Higher And Higher
Feel It In My Sleep

Sometimes It Feels Like I’ll Never Gon Pass From Here
Sometimes It Feels Like I’m Stuck Forever, Ever

When I’m Going Higher
Closer To My Dreams
I’m Goin’ Higher And Higher
I Can Almost Reach

Sometimes You Just Have To Let It Go (Let It Go, Let It Go)
Leaving All My Fears To Burn Down
Push Them All Away So I Can Move On
Closer To My Dreams

Feel It All Over My Being (In My Being)

Close Your Eyes And See What You Believe

I’m Moving Higher (Higher), Oh...
I’m Going Higher And Higher And Higher (Higher And Higher)
Closer To My Dreams (Higher And Higher, Oh...Oh...)
I’m Moving Upward And Onward And Beyond All I Can See
Stretching Out My Arms So I Can Breathe

 

I'm So Close
It's Like I Can Just Reach
I Can Feel My Dreams (Closer To My Dreams)
I’m Moving Closer To My Dreams
Sometimes It Feels Like You Never Gon’ Change (Never Gon’ Change)
But You Never Choose To Walk Away

 

Crush...

I still crush at this ripe age of 32 (though I will be 33 in a little over a week).  I love men especially black men.  There are so many different complexions, shapes and sizes of… men.  I love the walk of a man, of course his shoes.  You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes.  It is all in the small details.  I love the way a man looks at the world.  I sometimes find myself watching man and wondering what’s on their minds.  I have a curious spirit.  I particularly love a way a man smells.  A good smelling man is just all sorts of wonderful.  Have you ever been involved with someone and just sometimes just smell them when they weren’t around?  I use to love the way my ex smelled and would spray my sheets with some of his everyday cologne when he was away.  It was special for me to lay in my bed and just smell him in my sheets.  He was a truck driver so he was a way a lot but it made me feel close to him.  I love a good dressing man.  He doesn’t have to be all suited and booted but one that cares of his appearance is nice.  The standard jeans and tshirt are overrated.  There has got to be a bit more or more refined to his style.  Versatility is key.  A man that has that has my attention.   

I think a good crush is healthy and keeps me soft.  The healthy is that I know that I can feel something for someone that I am not directly involved with and have that school girl giddy feeling (butterflies by Starrla).  There is something sexy about a woman being soft.  I think that there are too many hard women in the world.  Don’t get me wrong I understand that life has a way of happening and how we choose to deal with it is what it is.  We have been used, abused, betrayed, hurts, frustrated amongst other things.  There has been a one that has made us rethink how we interact and/or that moment of “you are so not who I thought you were”.    It’s emotional.  We don’t always directly deal with our emotions and how they impact us sometimes changes our demeanor.   I have been that woman.  I have been hurt but I choose to still believe in love and that all men aren’t like that one or three that may have been no so pleasant in my life.  Why generalize all by those few that don’t understand my worth hence why they’re in the past?  Soft. 

Just a thought.

Stick a pen in that, we may come back to that one day for another post.

I don’t see nothing wrong with a little crush.  [Yeah, I said nothing and I know it should be anything but in this moment I am channeling R. Kelly]  In fact it can be harmless or it could be something conquered.   I have a few harmless crushes such as the fedex guy.  He is a cutie and has an awesome personality but there is nothing really to it.  Then there is the crush that makes me wanna just…just… be recognized.  Recognized as to say hey dude, do you see me and my awesomeness.  I kind of just let it take its course and await an opportunity to present itself to have a personally intimate conversation.  I believe that he may need to know me and yes it is moreso about me than he.  Yeah, it’s kind of selfish but after all it is MY crush…initially.  I have a mouthpiece.   I am blessed with words and I have a way with using them.  I speak direct for the most part and say something that may not be thought to be said out loud.  (sometimes manish but it’s in the MOJO). Talking my way into things/situations has been a gift but it has been a curse when not used constructively or wisely but thank goodness I have grown from that portion of my me.  However there have been times when it is true that “you need to know me” but then I realize that I don’t really need to know him in the mental sense. Conquest.

So, yeah there is something wonderful about a crush.

She Heard It All

She heard it all. The rhythm of our melody vibrating through the wall. Each sexy explosion. She heard it all.  The way that you traveled across grass laid plains all the way to mountain peaks slowly rowing down running streams.

Yeah, she heard it all.  Slowly anxiously waiting the next stroke, next thrust, next sensation. Spoken words between deliveries of ooohs followed by a plethora of awwws.

She heard it all.  Open wider than the Pacific and stretched longer than the Nile. Bodies intertwined on top, underneath, overlapped always dwelling inside. Each shriek, mild scream, brief moment of mental escape with husky moans of satisfaction.

She heard it all.  Lips undressing your eyes as you smack thick thighs. The slurping and dripping of candy in your hand yet all over your mouth.  The creattion of two, together or all in my head yet it was all to be heard.

Wednesday's Words and Lyrics: Sometimes by Bilal

Sometimes by Bilal
This is a song that makes me spill out all my guts
Sometimes

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't me
Sometimes, I wish I was drug free
Sometimes, wish I saw the exit sign first
Sometimes, wish I knew the truth without search
Sometimes, I wish I could go where I never been
See what I never saw, do what I never did
Or walk before I could crawl

Sometimes, I wish my eyes wasn't so red
Sometimes, I wish I had breakfast in bed
Sometimes, I mean it's worth it
Since I did all the work last night
Sometimes, you ain't good to me, yes
I am good to you
And you don't see my attention the way that I do

Sometimes, hey slim, you should be nicer than you are
Sometimes, you take that complaining shit way too far
I mean, I thought it was cute in the beginning but now
I think you only do it cuz you know I hate it
Sometimes, you got me wishing I didn't have home training
Sometimes, then it wouldn't hurt me so bad
With dreams of knocking you in your head
Then it wouldn't hurt me so bad
With our kitchen knife put up your ass

Sometimes, wish I knew life with no pain, yeah
Wish I held the keys to this game
Sometimes, I pretend cuz I'm afraid to be, afriad to be
Sometimes, I hope I live to see twenty five
Sometimes, I wish I could be like Moses
Round up my people, move out the ghetto
And live a better life
Sometimes, I wish I didn't try so hard
Sometimes, who knows truth any way
They don't know nothing, who needs that approval

The sun in your hands player
Move at your own pace, listen to your own mind
Do your own thing, yeah yeah
I'm saying it because I love ya
And I wanna grow with you, yeah yeah
But you wanna run in the other direction
So I got to stay on my path until I win
I win, I win, I win
I wanna win, I wanna win, I wanna win, I wanna win

Oh sometimes, sing it with me I wish
(I wish in love) And I wish, oh I wish
(I wish in peace) Oh sometimes
(I wish in hope) I wish hope
(I wish true) I wish true
(I wish clearly) Hey I wish so clearly sometimes
(Wish with no fear) I wish with no fear
(I have no fear) I have no fear
(Have no doubt) I have no doubt

(I don't doubt) I don't doubt
(Have no doubt) No, I don't doubt
(Have no doubt, I wish love)
I wish love, hey hey

 

 

 

UNINSPIRATION (S/O to DianaBoss)

(Uninspiration - made up by my buddy – DianaBoss - she likes to make up words)

Im in a strange place in my life right now.  I am so not where I want to be in my life.  I am grateful to have a job though that is all that it is, just a job – not a career.  I thought that things were going to work out at my current job and it would turn into a career opportunity but it has not.  Honestly, I like what I do but I am not passionate about it.  In fact, I am not quite sure what my real passion is or even what my purpose may be.  I am good at several different things and there are several things that I would like to do but not sure what I really want to do with my life.  I am not sure what the something is that prompts my personal plateau of success.

My sense of direction seems to be pointing in several different directions.  My Libra scales are off balance which has me all out of wack and off kilter.  My heart is all out of sorts of unfulfilled.  My relationships are kind of crazy at the moment.  There are some ups and downs.  There are some strong points and there is some room for rectification.  I am grateful to have good people in my life.  They are patient and understanding which is such a blessing.

As for the writing – so much started but not much completed.  I am passionate about it but my procrastination has a way of interfering my production.  I have allowed it a bit too long.  Though writing is like having a baby.  You have to give birth to words but before you can do that you have to carry/nurture them for a while.  This is my story and sticking to it.

In one of my daily devotionals it spoke of expecting deliverance when you feel you are at the dead end.  It spoke to me so I shared it with friends. I tend to do that from time to time.  I refer to them as daily inspirations.  I had two friends respond to this email and it was a blessing to me.  Though I know that I am not the only one feeling delayed in my dreams, it sometimes is encouraging to have people in my immediate life share that they are in the same place and they were encouraged by me.  

So the UNINSPIRATION IS SLOWLY BECOMING INSPIRED.

May 18: Something I Miss...

I miss the days of not having to worry.  I miss the days that I didnt have to be grown.  You  know this being grown is rather overrated.  I miss love and being in it.  I miss Nashville.  I miss Atlanta.  I miss driving - I do not currently have a car but that too is a work in progess.  I miss my independence.  I miss ice cream.  I miss bartending.  I miss being frivolous & spontaneous.  I miss some of my friendships.  I miss college - gym parties, drinking on the yard, homecoming... College was the best 4 years of my life.

May 13: GOALS - 35 before 35 (delayed)

I will be 35 in a little over 2 years so these goals are realistic and I am hoping to be able to make them all happen that time. 

35 BEFORE 35

1.     Get a new passport – I plan on doing this as soon as possible.  I have some big plans and it is necessary to have.

2.     Hookah Lounge - this may happen sooner than later. I have gotta go and try it.

3.     Step Class (ole school Chicago stepping)

4.     See Jill Scott in Concert again (she is amazing and I love her).  It would be awesome to see her in Philly and then go to an Eagles game (perfect)

5.     Go to a Eagles game in Philly - long term I want to got at least 10 NFL Stadiums.  I LOVE FOOTBALL!

6.     Host a wine tasting event

7.     Go on a cruise – stamps on my passport

8.     Get involved in a cause (preferably Diabetes in honor of my daddy)

9.     Host a brunch start to finish at my house (garden party) – I love to cook so I want to plan the menu, decorate, make real invitations – the full event (I’m crafty).  I wanna get my Martha Stewart/ B. Smith on.

10.   Build my savings

11.   Attend the Essence Festival and actually attend the concerts

12.   Develop a creative business for myself that I will actually grow

13.   Put a dent in my student loans – That awesomely wonderful  HBCU education is/was expensive

14.   Complete my book(s) and publish them

15.   Move out of Los Angeles again (improve my quality of life by growing up)

16.   Vacation with a man that I love (hopefully but we shall see – this is an entire post of its own)

17.   Start bartending again – I miss it.  I miss the social aspect the intensity and if you don’t use it you lose it)

18.   Stay involved with my Alumni Association (Fisk University) where ever I am

19.   See a Broadway Show in NY

20.   Take a craft class (possibly beading)

21.   Build another scrapbook of something monumental event

22.   Purchase a fantastic pair of Designer shoes

23.   I would like to be married or at least engaged

24.   Go to the Taste of Chicago and Essence


25.   Go Camping with all the specialties. I am not really and outdoors chick but I have had some conversations that make it sound fun.  It will be a group outing that I will have to coordinate.  I am getting kind of excited about it.

26.   Learn more about wine and sangria

27.   Start sewing (using the machine that I already have for real – I need to make something good.  My mom has these awesome patterns from the 70s when she made all her clothing.  I admire that about her.  She tried to teach me when I was younger but I lacked interest).

28.   Take my mother and grandmother on a vacation

29.   Road Trip by way a Diners, Drive in and Dives – I love Guy

30.   Ride in  Hot Air Balloon with someone special

31.   Grow a garden.  Not truly my thing but I hear that it is relaxing.

32.   Sky Dive

33.   Become more involved with Diabetes Prevention Charity

34.   Visit Daddy’s grave – still haven’t had the desire to go.  I need to make that happen.

35.   Convince my friends to hold me to this list.

Daddy, My First Love (part 2)

One of the great things about a blog challenge is that it makes you think about things that you may not really write about otherwise.  It holds you accountable.  I like to have a group doing the challenge so that I can stay inspired.  It amazing how someone’s words can make you feel.  To be able to receive confirmation that others are going through things in their lives to aspire their own growth.  Today’s challenge was simple to me.  A blogger that I know personally is doing the challenge and he inquired as to how much I was I going to share.  I replied that I was going to keep it simple.  After further review of today’s challenge I am going to further elaborate upon my first love.

I haven’t written much about my daddy lately but he hasn’t been further from my thoughts.  He is always in my thoughts.  I think of him every time I look in the mirror.  I look so much like him as I get older or just see him in me more.  There are moments when I just look into the mirror for him.    I can sometimes feel him.  It’s kind of ironic, seemingly so that I cannot hear his voice.  I yearn to hear him.  I search through my memory rolodex for his voice clearly to hear it and I am often devastated when I can hear him.  I can’t reach the point that I can hear him but I know what was said but not in his tone.  That’s scary to me.  It makes me sad and it brings me into mourning again.  I just want to hear him say something. Anything.  Especially when there are things going on in my head that I need help conveying into words.  My daddy was a writer.  He wrote lyrics and produced music.  He had a genius way with words.  I just wish that I could hear him again.  One of the most special things about conversations with my dad was that he listened and very rarely gave me actual advice.  He had a way about him that made me think for myself and understand my concrete point of view.  He inquired to all the specifics, my feelings (my emotional point of view) and the facts (pros vs. the cons).  He made me figure my own way most times.  He never really told me his expectations of me which leaves me wanting it now.  He never really shared his plan for me from his point of view.  My mother is different in that aspect but not in a bad way.  Mainly, she is not my daddy.  I was daddy’s girl.  I love him and that is never past tense.  He was my first real love.  The man that I lightweight compare all men to.  Not just his purely wonderful qualities but some of his not pleasant attributes as well.  I examine these things as such that I care not to deal with. When you truly love a person you love them in their entirety.  The love I have for him is that way and unconditional. 

Everyone has flaws and there is not perfect being outside of God.  We are all constant works in progress always aspiring to be better.  We all go through things that make us feel, learn and hopefully grow.  We each deal with life’s happenings in different ways.  It’s the part of each being an individual.  Love is one of those things that just sort of happen and makes you feel all sorts of things.  So I am thankful to writing and those that write and keep me inspired, encouraged and accountable.  Thank you.  Thank you to Daddy Freckles for the love that just keeps on giving.

21 Questions

can you answer one?

1. why is it that what we feel and what we think not on the same most times?

2. Why is that love can complicate the simplest situation?

3. Where is the love of my life?

4. why does that good guy not give me warm fuzzies?

5.  why is success sometimes scary?

6.  What does it really mean to grow apart?

7.  Why do fear and failure both start with F?

8.  Why was I in such a rush to be grown?

9. how does one claim that their feelings have not changed but their actions do?

10.  Why not forgive?

12. What is it that I am suppose to be doing with my life? 

13.  What’s my supreme purpose?

14. how does one feel lonely in a world full of people?

15.  why do folks overuse LOL – are they really?

16.  why is opening yourself up sometimes smack you in the face?

17. is there really such a thing as complacency?

18.  Who came up with the grass being greener  and why does it make so much sense?

19.  why do we always want what is not always good for us or to us?

20.  Why cant some folks handle the truth bluntly?

21. Do you have any answers to any of these questions?