Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

FUmissindependentCK

I am sure that there will be some positive and negative spins on this subject but it is what it is and I feel how I feel. However you are all entitled to your own opinions but I do hope for a discussion. Fuck Miss Independent! At the end of the day I am single and am only INDEPENDENT due to circumstance. Yea I said it and I only partially mean it. I have to work and take care of myself (with occasional help from the parental units). I have to go to work so I have to pay my bills and possibly purchase a fabulously sexy pair of shoes for that off the banger shoe-gasm instead of my B.O.B. Yes, sometimes it is like that when a sista is on a drought like California.

                               I digress…

I am only truly independent because I have to be and because my mother and father taught me to depend on myself. My father taught me the discipline of martial arts and sports (soccer and track). He encouraged my mom to keep it feminine. My mother was strict about education and even encouraged college out of state so that I would have new experiences. While my parents were together, I watched my father provide for our family. He made sure we were all well taken care of. He was a man that tried to honor is role as a man, a father, a husband. I also saw my mother struggle to get her degree, work a full time job and raise two daughter while trying to find her independence. She never really had to work because she was provided for and when her life changed she had to make some changes as well. While my father was involved in our lives, he was no longer in our home. It changed me and I always wanted to be sure that I wouldn’t have the shift of roles or be so dependent on a man but when we know better we do better. All of that and I am still a single lady that doesn't have a ring on her or a love that is my very own.

                     
                            Again, I digress...

I have said this before when the question of my "status" comes up. I need a man to be my man and be able assume the role of being a man. If I had a man that was man enough to be my man it would be about him being head of household. Yeah I said it and it is ordained by God (read your good book sometimes). I would love the opportunity to work and not have to be completely responsible for keeping our household. Frankly, I am not all that responsible but I do my best. I had a conversation with a potential husband applicant and he said that if we were to get married I should be happy that all the bills were paid = roof over your head, all utilities paid including cable and internet so I could talk to you all that our home was fully furnished. I was listening to him thinking hell yeah sounds like a plan and where do I sign. Not really but honestly it sounds good to me. He went on to share with me that my shoe habit was not really an issue but I would have to work to maintain habit (in my head that was truly make it a habit) but nonetheless I heard what he was saying. He explained to me that he was a man and if I were his wife it was his duty to provide the necessities of living (i.e. home, car and good love and communication etc.) and return he would hope that I would respect our home by keeping it clean and kept, his desire to work (he drives trucks so he is gone for long periods at a time but he loves his work) and make sure that we maintained our relationship and kept it sexily nasty not necessarily only in the bedroom but you get the point. Hell, I can do that daddy went through my head as I heard my favorite Luther wedding song in my head and imagined this wonderful party because we eloped and decided to have a party after the fact. We just wanted to be married. :)

Seriously, I heard him and truly listened to what he had to say upon the subject. The conversation went more in depth but it's truly known of your business or relevant to this matter. However I did wonder if I truly have the ability to let my man (future husband) be my man in every aspect of the word and if that is why I am single.  I would like to believe that I am sincerely ready to let go of my singularly independent ways and become part of partnership. Although, I have been taking care of myself for a long time. I like being able to come and go as I please. I can appreciate that when I am irresponsible it only impacts me for the most part. I like that I do not have children and don’t have to care after anyone but me. I like that I don’t have to communicate my desires to someone or be conscious of how they feel about things and even compromise on life changing situations. All of that sounds good but aren't some of these things contradicting attributes of marriage?

I understand that I must be able to bring something to the table. I have to have something to offer besides that wonderful gift between my legs. I have to be there for him, support him, nourish him, love him, stroke (not only in the sexual sense) but I have to allow my man to be a man. I must respect his place as my man and I as his woman. We all have our roles in relationships and I sometimes see us all not respecting our positions (roles). Again, I say read your good book). Women sometimes get too caught up with being independent that we sometimes feel like we can be a man and cross that line. Then there are men that want to be men but do not want hold the title in its entirety.

Honestly, I can deal with that and I want that. I want a man that is man enough to be my man. A man that has a back bone, good communication, doesn’t mind telling me the truth even when there is a chance that my feelings may get hurt (though Imma need him to find a tactful way of saying it to me). A man that believes that being a man is taking care of his family and being a provider (emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially). It is his role as head of household and it is divine order (God, Man than Woman). However we live in a society where there are not too many two parent households and where a mother sometimes has to do her best to teach a boy to be a man when it is not her role to do so. We live in a society where it is ok for a woman to carry both roles of mother and father where she does as much as possible to provide for her family and bear the burden of possibly not having enough time, money, help, love etc. We live in a society where it is ok for men to make babies and be completely responsible for them (full time or otherwise). Where there are dudes that are boys trying to be men by whatever example they find. It is a cycle that continues and not completely understood. So yeah, that sister considers herself independent and it is idolized which is not a bad thing but she is something else when she not capable of appreciating a good man when he comes her way because she is conditioned to take care of self. She doesn’t know any different. She builds walls and doesn’t allow herself to let a man be a man and may not be able to recognize it at all because she can do it all herself because she is Miss Independent or goes back to her being Miss Independent – Yes there is something about her and no she cannot spend any time. I love Ne-Yo and don’t get me wrong but is there really something about her. All through the song he doesn’t really say anything truly positive or uplifting. However it does sound good and I have nothing against a woman that is her own boss. In fact I embrace it but I am not really referring to a woman being her person. I am more so referring the dynamic of roles in relationships and how we play them.

Let’s be honest for a second even if we agree to disagree, it is cool. No one wants to be alone and we all want to have our own identities. We want to be able to fend for ourselves and take care of ourselves. We want to be all that we can be. I am thankful for the day where a woman can have jobs that were once looked upon as man’s work. I embrace that fact that women as a whole embrace being able to get an education, work for themselves and purchase their own homes. It is wonderful that we live in a country where a woman can run for president. Yes all of these things are wonderful especially when once upon a time women were not able to do so. YAY LADIES!!! It is indeed a blessing and with all of that in mind that we can be liberated/ independent. We can do it all but we are not men. We are women that should conduct ourselves as such. Men and women are different. We not only have different parts but different views. This woman just happens to believe that INDEPENDENCE doesn’t have to define me. Whereas I don’t believe that I need a man to define me I would like to have one that I can say that is evenly yoked. I believe that Jill Scott said best when she “And even though I can do all these things, I need you…” It is so true.

The Fact Is (I Need You) - Jill Scott

Happy 2013 - The Year of the BREAKTHROUGH

2013 will be a great year. 

EPIC. 

It is the year of the BREAKTHROUGH (Im claiming it).  Financial BREAKTHROUGH, Emotional BREAKTHROUGH, Mental BREAKTHROUGH, Heartache BREAKTHROUGH, The PAST is just that and FORWARD thinking BREAKTHROUGH - Positive affirmations and thoughts. Whatever strongholds in life will not hold me captive any longer - in order to GROW to the NEXT LEVEL there must be CHANGE - CHANGE isnt easy but it is necessary.

I have dwelled in this place long enough.  I have had more than enough pity parties, woe is me, complaint sessions and Lord, do you see me moments.  I have unconciously pushed away some friends by not allowing them to there for me or support me while I have been going through these moments.  I have neglected some important relationships.  I have held onto the past far too long.  It is done.   It happened and there is nothing that I can do change any of that now.  I can only change those not so great attributes that allowed those moments that are in the past. BREAKTHROUGH

There will be good days and there will be not so good days.  That is alright.  As long as I continue to wake up in my right mind... I know that God is moving in my life.  I can feel him strengthening me and preparing me.  I am not sure for what but I am going to be patient and more aware of Him.  I am going to be more in tune with my strengths.  I am going to write more and say it like I feel it regardless who reads it.  I will still not use names to protect the innocent or the guilty. I am going to read more blogs especially from my favorite bloggers who have built some amazing relationships with - looking forward to meeting so many of you in the new year (Let's make it happen).

 

This year is going to be awesome.  I cannot wait to see how I am going to be blessed and moved to my next level.  I cannot wait to experience my BREAKTHROUGH.  I am so excited and feel an amazing release on my spirit.  I am so grateful for this peace that is slowly coming over me.

Praying PEACE, LOVE and BLESSING in the NEW YEAR for all who have read this blog, shared it with someone and shared a comment. 

I appreciate you more than you know.  It is encouraging to hear from you, read your emails and tweets.

Happy New Year! 

Everything is going to be AMAZING!!!!

Smooches,

Freckles

Day 19: Something given by a loved one

I am THANKFUL that DADDY GAVE ME FRECKLES

Freckles' Halloween 5 Points

·         I do not dress up for Halloween to often – not really my thing.

·         I love that all the candy will be on sale the day after.

·         I do not like to be scared.  I do not watch scary movies.  I have tried going to haunted houses but its kind of a mess but it depends on who I go with but I haven’t been to one in years.

·         I do not like clowns.  Watching IT at a young age ruined them for me.

·         I love to see kids in costumes.

Happy Birthday Daddy (Rest In Peace)

Dear Daddy,

Sometimes I sit real still and quietly hope to hear your voice.  These are the moments that I realize how grateful I am that I had a wonderful man in my life.  A man that always made me feel special and loved me more than I have words to describe.  I am so blessed.  There are so many young ladies out there that are not blessed to have such and I will always be continually thankful that God chose you to be my daddy.

You know I wish that you were here.  There are a few things that I would like to run by you for your guidance.  I miss that about you.  You were a good listener and you didnt really say much until I got it all out.  It's funny looking back at some of those late night calls when I was paniced or freaking out how calm you were.  I took for granted that you would always be there to comfort me or even save me from myself.  I need that right now.

 I often wonder if you can hear me when I talk to you.  You see so much has changed since you died.  I have changed. I am not as outgoing as I was to an extent.  My emotions are hot and cold. I am still heartbroken.  My relationships have changed due to the my rollercoaster dynamic.  I am still having a hard time redefining me.  A hard time developing a new normal.  I didnt know that going on without you was going to be this hard and some days are better than others. I miss you more than anything and I just want to not be broken.  I want to hear your voice. see your smile. feel your love.  If only once more. I wish that you would come to me in my dreams and just tell me that you love one last time.  I wish that I didnt feel as alone as I do without you.  I wish that a piece of me wasnt gone with you.  I wish that some thoughts of you didnt take my breath away.  I wish that I could tell you Happy Birthday to your face.

I know better and I am going to do better.  I am going to do my best not be sad today.  I am going to do my best to not just dwell in my grief. So, on this day I honor you and your memory.  I cherish what I had and hope to see you in my dreams.  I look forward to seeing you again and hope that I make you proud. I miss you and love you. 

I love you daddy, Happy Birthday!!!

Rest In Paradise.

Freckles

May 1: Introduce, recent picture of Yourself & 15 interesting facts

I am Freckles 

 I love love. I am short woman with a big personality. Great legs and a serious shoe game.  I enjoy stimulating conversation, long walks and good music with a side of cocktail.

1.      I overuse bleach when cleaning. It is to the point that all the windows and doors should be open. I really like the smell.  I suppose that is what clean smells like.

2.      I sometimes get lust confused with infatuation

3.      I believe in being creative in all capacities.

4.      I love music that has heavy bass which is generally strip club music. I don’t much care what they say for the most part. It’s all in the beat

5.      Im very rarely speechless

6.      I miss phone conversations. Technology has held us all captive and allowed us to not be direct in our dealings.  We are so impersonal.

7.      I have a few standard picture poses.

8.      I always have a camera in my purse

9.      Mascara is a must

10.  I wear a size 8 shoe

11.  I am a bit of a perv in my thoughts

12.  I am 5’2 ¼

13.  I love music

14.  Discernment is something I seek

15.  I love my blog buddies and our relationships

30 Day Blog Challenge Day #24: Whats in my purse

What's in MY purse?

well....

my wallet, everyday makeup bag, sunglasses, a mirror, petroleum jelly, earbuds, a brush, my notebook (never know when writing will come - inspiration).

30 Day Blog Challenge Day #19: Another Picture of Me

Me looking into Me.

Dear Daddy, I miss you

Dear Daddy,
I often feel alone since you have been gone.  It seems to be a constant conflict.  I cannot replace duplicate create.  There’s so much that I wish that I could change.  I wish that I was there.  I still harvest some of the guilt of not being there.  I just really miss you.  There are so many things that I want to talk to you about and things that I would love to have your feedback on.  Look you in your face and see my reflection in you knowing that there is nothing but love behind our eyes.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would be like to hear your voice.  What it is would be lie to truly listen to your questions in a conversation that make me pull from the inside to solve any of life’s dilemmas.  I would give anything to have a moment with you right now.  Its ironic how much you want something when you know there is no way that it is possible.  I suppose that is just instilled in humans.  Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror staring at your image looking back at me hoping to just hear your voice for a moment.  It’s amazing how much I look like you as I get older.  Often in that moment I wish that it was really you. 

I know it has been 2 years but the pain of heartbreak is still on me.  I am not crying everyday anymore and I accept that you are gone but once Grandma died this overwhelming feeling of hurt has been on me.  I can’t really describe it or really have the words to express it.  It just hurts and sometimes my heart just hurts.  I’m sad.  I miss you.  I miss grandma.  I need to continue to grieve but it just seems to be a bit much for me.  I just feel like it’s one of those times when crying may not be helpful.  Honestly, it all makes me feel kind of crazy that I am still redefining me after all this time.  I suppose you being gone is just not one of those things that you just get over.  I love you and really want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that I am trying to be a better person, better woman.  I want you to know that I am tired, frustrated and often feel very much alone with all my feelings.  I feel like you are the only one that would be able to understand.  I miss you daddy.

I love you,

Your Freckled Daughter

Update - Im Above Ground (2011 edition)

First. let me begin this post by saying that I am so thankful that you have taken the time to come back to my lil place here onthe web even though I have not been posting in months.  I appreciate you.  I am going to do better. 

I am alive.  I am above ground again.  I've been off balance and I am a LIBRA, so I have a hard time managing.  I just needed to hibernate for a moment and get my thoughts in order with my heart.  There has been too much on my mind and I hadn't the heart to share it without the right words.  I have not even been putting ink to paper.  I have been so uninspired with words.  The words just seemed not to come into my spirit from which I write.

However, things are a changing and I am coming into a good place.  I have had some ideas and situations that have come into focus view to cleverly speak (write).  I am truly looking forward to the new year.  2011 has sent me on a roller coaster of emotions that I am currently writing about and should be posting in the next couple of days - Roller coaster 2011 (regarding re meeting someone special the love heartbreak missing my dad friendships new old and dead seeing family for who they are, really ...life as i experienced it this year)

Just wanted to share this with you in hope that you will come back and I am looking forward to consistently reading my faves and reconnecting through words with you.  Don't give up on the connection with my words, stories and point of view.  I am coming home.  Im back for good (consistently).

Love, Like and Not a Fan

Love
As we all know – I love everything love (emotions, physical, mental, music, movies, books
These freckles – kind of dope and are apart me
Shoes (the higher the better)
Beach (one of the great things about being in LA is the beach. The relaxation of it, the sound, the feeling of freedom. Some God's good work.
Cards (I should own stock in Hallmark. All occasions.
Writing (it's my passion)
God, Family & Friends (of course)
Music – all kind sorts of music but I am huge R&B and Soul Music. I love the art of telling a good story through music
Books and Magazines
Football
All things chocolate: Bars, Ice Cream, Cake, Men
Potatoes (mainly French Fries - OMG)
		Like
		STUFF – all kinds of stuff. SMILE.
		Crafts (making earrings, sewing-working on advancing my skills, making pillows, gifts,
		Taking Pictures – I am the designated camera lady of the group. I like to be able to catch all the moments – any moment.
		Bright Colors (Orange, Yellow, Green, Red, Hot Pink (Fuchsia), Purple
		To cuss (say bad words). I know not very lady like but as soon as I was able, I did and do it on a regular. I am working on it somewhat.
		Body wash – got a strange obsession with all things that smell good
		Candles/ Oil Burners
		Jewelry (I cannot go anywhere without earrings)
				Not a Fan
				Gravy (it's just stupid)
				Judgmental people
				Men with bad teeth & shoes
				Holes in my clothes & shoes (not my kind of trend but to each her/his own).
				Stupidness.
				Oooh, sandal boots – not my thing.
				Cats (I am allergic and they are just not really all that great)
				Peep-toe flats
				1-ply toilet paper

These Freckles: Perfect Imperfections pt 1

These Freckles: Perfect Imperfection

Definition: a small brownish spot on the skin often turning darker or increasing in number upon exposure to the sun.

They define me and allow me to be close to him. I see him and he is me as I am he.

Each one has its own story, own purpose, own location. Not to be removed. Perfectly permanent.

Each has more hope, more faith the size of a mustard seed.

Keep me wonderfully original and unlike anyone else.

Special blessings with the kiss of the creator.

“Four be the things I'd have been better without:

love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.”

Dorothy Parks

“I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.”

Bill Cosby

“If you're asking whether I intentionally mess up my hair, no, I don't.

And certain things, like my freckles, they're just there.

I don't do anything consciously.

I suppose I could get contact lenses.

I suppose I could comb my hair more often.”

Bill Gates

“If a man also or a woman have in the skin of their flesh bright spots, even white bright spots; / Then the priest shall look: and, behold, if the bright spots in the skin of their flesh be darkish white; it is a freckled spot that groweth in the skin; he is clean.

unknown

Freckled Faced girl – I haven’t always had them. As a child I didn’t have any and as I got older they began to speckle across my nose and apple of my cheeks. My auntie once told me that once I get about 20 they would take on a mind of their own and boy did they. Spread clear across my face.

When I got to college my freshmen dorm mother asked me if I wanted to some cream to get rid of them. I found that to be very strange but she said that so many people disliked having them on their face since they messed up the complexion. Blank stare.

Cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars

why wastea second not loving who you are

those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable

they show your personality inside your heart reflecting who you are

natasha bedingfield

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIL (Younger) SIS!!!

Today is my sister's birthday.  I have spoken of her before.

I say my lil younger sister because she is taller than me.  I am shorty of the family.  I am not quite sure where my height when but the parental unit didn't give me that.  tsk tsk!!! 

She is one the most special people in my life and I ever so thankful that God chose me to be her sister.  So on this day,  I say HAPPY BIRTHDAY & know that someone in Atlanta loves you.  See you soon.

I love you so much!!!

peep show fantasy

I wish that I could watch you watch me. 

See my every little move and all of the things in between. 

Watch me desire you and type you a naughtly little something. 

Then possibly touch me there as you feel you here.

I would feel all the words typed across the screen

trickle down the back of my neck then down my spine. 

It makes me twinge a bit and offers mild chills

that make the hairs on my arm erect with curiosity. 

I would look into your eyes and share pieces of me

with naughty words that make you blush with satisfaction.
you know i love it when you type real slow to me

 to know what you are thinking as you see me. 

Are you paying attention or are you having your own fantasy of me?
looking at you, looking at me makes me dream

rubbing, touching, carressing and you watching
tell me what you are thinking as you see traces of me
as I wish that I could hear you want me
peep the show.

Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt

INVENTORY

Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I’d been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.

~ Dorothy Parker ~

I named my blog this because it reigns true in my spirit. It was a play on words and inspiration. My life is full of love, curiosity and plenty of doubt. Not too mention I have these freckles across my face and most of my body. They are more prominent on my face and they can't be missed. I can not speak for anyone but me but I have had my moment where I felt that I would be better off with any of those. Well maybe not the freckles. I have embraced them. In fact, I am not me without them and I am not sure if I would be better without them. They seem to work for me and encourage my individuality. They keep me inspired and most of all they keep me close to my daddy... RIP Daddy Freckles

Thankfulness: Genuine Friendships

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart,

chaff and grain together,

knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it,

keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."

THANKFULNESS

I have some friends in particular that have really been there for me.  They mean the world to me.  I try to tell them as much as possible. They make me better.  They have held me together.  I pray for them all the time.  I am so thankful that they are in my life.  They are such wonderful people that deserve much more than my gratitude.  I do not have the words to sincerely express my love and/or appreciation for them.  I can only hope that they can feel my heart and the honor that hold for each of them. 

THANKFULNESS

I have a couple of girlfriends from highschool/college that have offered hugs, words of encourage, vent sessions, love and support as I have been dealing with the passing of my father.  There were people that I hadn't really known cared as much as they did.  They didnt pry or ask alot of questions being nosey.  They sporatically check in to just make sure that I am ok and say hey, I was just thinking about you.  It warms my heart especially when there were people that I thought were closer.  I had not spoken to them on the regular but they were genuine in their care.

THANKFULLNESS

Recently, I recieved a card that touched me and it is amazing how on time it was.  It said (Outside): "Time for a God loves you beak in your day (Inside): you are loved, valued, honored and special-today and always.  I am so grateful that this person thought enough of me to share a moment and a thought.  I didn't quite have words to sincerely describe how wonderful it was to read those words.  It made me smile from the inside out.  It made me feel so special and also made me tear up a bit - although I am just an emotional rollercoaster but that is a totally other something.  It was nice to hear (read).  

THANKFULNESS

Sometimes we need to be encouraged.  Sometimes we have good, bad and so so days.  There are times when we just feel some kind of way and we sometimes where the mask to not show our hearts to the world.

THANKFULNESS

Recently, I got a phone call from a friend that I hadnt spoken to in a while.  She simply said, I was thinking about you and thought that I would call you right now.  She didnt really have much to share about her but wanted to talk about me.  It was nice to just chat.  She was sincere and cared to listen. It was special.

THANKFULNESS

I have a friend that has been like brother to me.  He has always been there for me and always will be.  Even though he has some serious stuff going on in his life, he takes the time to make sure that I am ok.  He sometimes sends me a text saying hey lil sis, thinking about you and love you - which are always on time.  He is special to me and I hold him so close to my heart.  It is so amazing to me that one can have life happening to them but set themselves aside to consider someone else as he does me. 

THANKFULNESS

Recently, I made some pillows for a friend and when she came by to get them. we conversed - caught up and it was nice.  She slipped me something and said she just wanted to help and that she loved me.  She then said she didn't want to hear anything about it.  I just laughed and said whatever.  It was so kind and so special and sincere.  I only hope that she knows how much I appreciate her friendship.

THANKFULNESS

I have a new friend that reminds me that she is here for me all the time. She reads my blog from time to time and always reminds me that she is available if I need her. We share and it just feels genuine.  She cares just because and it is always nice to have someone that just wants to be there.  She knows that I am here for her too - well at least I hope she does.

THANKFULNESS

It is a blessing to have people in your life that hold you so close to their hearts that they can feel when  you are not so much yourself.  They feel the desire to contact you, reach out and share their thoughts of you with you.  That is something to truly be thankful for.   It is a blessing to know that someone is for you when it seems that the world is against you or when your world seems to be falling apart.  It's even more special when they do not even know that you are going through some things in your head or your heart and they just so happen to provide a word of encouragement.  When the care enough to care about you with no strings.  No expectations.  No boundaries.  That is when its truly genuine - authenticity at its best.

Just feeling thankful for my friendships -
no matter how big or small.

Peace & Blessings,
FRECKLES...

Twenty-Ten or 0-10

Either way HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

I may write something more profound and deep later but I am ready for bed but I did cook some Collard Greens, Macc and Cheese, Cornbread (roommate made some candied yams and baked turkey breast). 
It was good.

Enjoy and be safe.

my small portion.

Perfect Peace, Contentment, Blessings and of course

Love and Freckles.

Paper + Purge = Peace

New Year is among us and time to get rid of some of the clutter. I have been cleaning up, minimizing, downsizing, throwing out and letting go. I have gone through all the bags of old papers –

SIDEBAR: I do not know where all of these papers come from.

There are so many papers and they keep accumulating in such a short period of time.

Gee. Oh, all the papers.

While trying to see what’s going to be available to throw away and shred/burn them when I came across a bunch of old cards, letters and notes some high school but mostly from college (1997-2000). These were thank you cards and letters, birthday cards, over the summer letters, valentines and just because.

It is amazing how much communication has changed and/or evolved over the years. It is just not at all personal. There was a time when I collected special stickers, stencils, stamps and colored markers to decorate my letters and envelopes so that they knew it was from me. I use to love to check the mail and have that special correspondence from friends while we were apart. I even found some old stickers

I sat back and read each and every letter, opened each and every card. I smiled and even teared over all the warm regards (they liked me they really liked me). Not tooting my own horn but there was a common tone in most of my correspondence which was “...don’t ever change...”, “...stay the diva that you are...,” and “...you are truly a good friend...”. I will have to agree - I am a good friend

(poppin my collar).

SELF REFLECTION: As I look back over that time in my life up to now and see who I was then compared to who I am now. The many mistakes, the many accomplishments, the many life changing experiences endured through the years due to the choices made (wrong or right). I see now that I lost the essence of me at some point and did the one thing that many asked me not to do. I changed a bit and didn’t allow myself to see me for who I already was. I felt like I wasn’t enough. I did run across a letter from a friend that I had lost touch with (adunwag) until facebook of course. She stated that she was thankful that I cared when she thought no one did (it was genuine) and she closed the letter with “learn to love yourself entirely and love will come to you.”

AHHH HAA!

(light bulb moment)

IF only I had been able to read that then and truly understood it with the knowledge that I know now. I didn’t and it took for me to make some bad choices and go through some life changing character building experiences to understand what that meant. Damn. I am thankful for that letter from her now, at this very moment – 10 years later. GRATEFULNESS.

I love all of those cards – my 18th birthday when the 3rd floor divas of Crosthwaite gave me a birthday party (thanks ladies) and lots of birthday cards, 19th birthday in Jubilee Hall and My 20th birthday at Riverbend. My 21st birthday with my FISKITES at Fridays when it was on Elliston Place. The friendships made, built, lost, redefined, changed and re-established over the years. The love lost, found and deleted over the years.

Yes, there are some things that I would have done differently and some friendships that I would have fought harder for but if I had, I may not be the woman that I am today (and steadily try to be) with this thankful spirit.

(FB FRIENDS: So, know that you are so appreciated. Each of you have made me be a better person. Each of you have impacted my life in a different way. Each of you, though I may not express it to you singularly but know that I recognize and appreciate. Thank you for the reason and the season).

Well sharing is caring,

Freckles