For Your HEAD Service

WARNING: This is a touchy subject and I thought long and hard (no pun intended) about stimulating this conversation amongst adults but I deem it necessary. Again, this is only one interpretation that should offer some assistance and thought to all parties. Some will agree and others will disagree – all are ok and accepted. This is a two sided conversation and is more than the initial attention grabber. Please take into consideration that this conversation is meant for mature adults that can handle all verbiage being used. If you are sensitive to sexual matters, please do not read this post. Thank you.

Shall we proceed?

Speak into the mic, just kiss it or lick it a little bit, puff the pipe – it won’t make you choke, say hello to my lil friend (yes some are smaller than others), blow the whistle, it won’t get hard if you don’t help it out, or simply can I get some head? 

All said while trying to guide head to head. I am sure that there are several ladies that could create a list that would both be ridiculous and ironic.  It is amazing the things that some men come up with in order to get some “head”.  I do not understand some men’s desire or need to ask for some head, penis suckage or fellatio. Now do not get me wrong there is nothing wrong with a little head.  It is, depending on the situation and/or relationship, essential to a moment.  Let’s all be honest here. We all like to receive it but honestly we don’t all like to give it or give our best. Most importantly there are women that don’t always think that it is the sexiest thing to do. Some like it, love, adore it, can’t stand it and would rather just do it regular.  Generally the point of “hooking up” would be for enjoyment unless he’s selfish, which many are (both sides).  Back to the point.  Head shouldn’t be a negotiation or a bargaining tool.  One shouldn’t feel the need to beg for it or act as if it is life or death without.  Yeah, I said it and some just make it feel that way especially when we all profess to be adult, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I get it, to an extent.  I understand that it feels real good. I understand that it may possibly look very sexy to watch and feel the warmth and wetness along with the softness of her lips along your man muscle. [GO AHEAD, HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE].  The pleasure of laying back, relaxing and not having to take control of the sexual situation.  I get it.  I also understand that it is a part of sex and yes head is to be enjoyed by most but of course when done correctly [STICK A PEN IN THAT WE MAY NEED TO REVISIT THAT ANOTHER TIME]. Both, like less biting and teeth used – we agree. However, question is why must you ask or use some sort of not so sexy verbiage to insinuate your desire?  Why are you ok with asking for head in the first place?

For some oral sex is more intimate than actual intercourse and is a bigger leap of faith. After all it is all right there and it’s your mouth and we both… well, we will just say that it is something to think about if you are a not so  and/or fresh person. We don’t always ask the necessary questions outside of are you disease free. Does she brush her teeth or take care of her mouth – does he use soap and clean down under his balls? And such as. I mean really – we all need to be a bit more selective and more concerned. The world is a very crazy place these days. [JUST A THOUGHT – you cannot suck or lick on every and/or anybody]. Then there is the matter of what am I getting out of the deal especially if we are not a long term situation? Seriously, after you nut, if you get to that point, do you have come back, is that it or will you be returning the favor and do you expect this all the time? I would like to believe that it can be more of the preliminary step, a kind of foreplay, rather than the main event and it’s not always done accordingly but each and every situation is different. Govern yourself accordingly.

Just a few thoughts that run through mind quickly after the initial inquiry but my main point of thought is, why are you even asking? I don’t get that. It seems like if it is going to happen it’s going to happen and it should not be expected but moreso appreciated.  If we are random to each other or not necessarily exclusive what makes it be necessary.  After all if it didn’t automatically happen, what makes you think that you are worth the service? Now, I don’t want to hurt any feelings or even offend anyone but did you consider that this service is given to some and only a privilege to others or that you just don’t meet the desire.  Sometimes it just doesn’t feel right or feel pleasured upon the part of the giver.  A woman will initiate her desires, please believe – have you thought about that? Have you ever sat back and considered the willingness of some and the reluctance of others. Think about it!!!

I have often wondered if the inquiry comes from a selfish a place or is it one of those activities that should be added to my resume under the skill section.  Should a chick be flattered that you thought of her enough to ask her to suck you off or get you started? Should she feel privileged that you say that she is so good that you just want it all the time? Should she think that it is in the best interest of her health and womanhood to proceed or that you may not be attracted and/or interested otherwise? Did you have Wendys or did you have McCormick and Schmitt's? When you ask do you consider that you may be taking the joy or desire from her? Do you even think with your actual head before asking for head?

It’s funny that this seems to be an ongoing debate or even a conversation that is always not agreed upon. It’s one of those touchy subjects that is sometimes felt uncalled for or uncivilized.  Us all being grown has nothing to do with giving or even receiving.  It is the comfort to all parties involved. The real inquiry here is not asking for head but the matter we don’t all think about what we are doing before we do it. DID YOU CATCH THAT?

We do not always take into consideration the reactions to our actions in advance or thought. Like a man once told me pouting, sulking and dropping hints are not good strategies when you don’t get your way. True gratification is mental so please give it some head.

Dear Daddy, I miss you

Dear Daddy,
I often feel alone since you have been gone.  It seems to be a constant conflict.  I cannot replace duplicate create.  There’s so much that I wish that I could change.  I wish that I was there.  I still harvest some of the guilt of not being there.  I just really miss you.  There are so many things that I want to talk to you about and things that I would love to have your feedback on.  Look you in your face and see my reflection in you knowing that there is nothing but love behind our eyes.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would be like to hear your voice.  What it is would be lie to truly listen to your questions in a conversation that make me pull from the inside to solve any of life’s dilemmas.  I would give anything to have a moment with you right now.  Its ironic how much you want something when you know there is no way that it is possible.  I suppose that is just instilled in humans.  Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror staring at your image looking back at me hoping to just hear your voice for a moment.  It’s amazing how much I look like you as I get older.  Often in that moment I wish that it was really you. 

I know it has been 2 years but the pain of heartbreak is still on me.  I am not crying everyday anymore and I accept that you are gone but once Grandma died this overwhelming feeling of hurt has been on me.  I can’t really describe it or really have the words to express it.  It just hurts and sometimes my heart just hurts.  I’m sad.  I miss you.  I miss grandma.  I need to continue to grieve but it just seems to be a bit much for me.  I just feel like it’s one of those times when crying may not be helpful.  Honestly, it all makes me feel kind of crazy that I am still redefining me after all this time.  I suppose you being gone is just not one of those things that you just get over.  I love you and really want you to be proud of me.  I want you to know that I am trying to be a better person, better woman.  I want you to know that I am tired, frustrated and often feel very much alone with all my feelings.  I feel like you are the only one that would be able to understand.  I miss you daddy.

I love you,

Your Freckled Daughter

Am I good enough? (pardon the ramble)

So, I am writing a book.  Yeah, I am trying to write a book.  I have mixed feelings upon this endeavor but it is more of a personal accomplishment endeavor.  When I initially indulged into this quest it was encouraged by friends, family and others saying you write so well and you have such a voice.  I will agree.  I have so many stories in my head.  I have so many life experiences that may be beneficial to someone else.  I am so in love with LOVE that there is always a story there. I let the hype of others get into my spirit and I went with it.  Then it was the contact of a publisher, another writer and an editor that said I came across your blog from twitter via another person or from another blogger.  I read through past posts and was very impressed with what you had to say and/or how you said it.  Have you ever considered writing a book?  I was way geeked.  Yes, I said geeked.  Then there were the couple of articles here and a couple of articles there.  It was money for my words and it was hella cool. So yeah, I am gonna write this book. [INSERT GREAT ATTITUDE AND MOTIVATION HERE]

I began to think about what to write.  What am I suppose to write about?  When I spoke to the "professionals" they all said write from your blog or use your blog as the inspiration.  You have something good going there and I responded ok but my blog is all over the place. [INSERT CONFUSED FACE AND RANDOM THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD HERE]  I write about all sorts of stuff and I don't necessarily write for anyone else.  I just write.  I write my thoughts.  I write what's on my mind, something that happened, something someone said, something someone did, a response to conversations had, my feelings, dealing and getting to know myself and my love for love.  So again, I ask, what am I suppose to write about?  I was told write about love, curiosity and doubt per my blog and have 60 pages by this date. Seriously.  [INSERT SERIOUSLY FACE HERE] This is a great opportunity so let's get it done were my thoughts.

So, I began writing, in no real order just writing.  A few different concepts and per some of my blog posts.  I talked to some friends and they were all about it and kept saying yeah, yeah, yeah - that's good.  I can't wait to buy your book.  They pumped me up and I went hard... simply writing.  THEN, I lost my inspiration.  I couldn't write anything.  NOTHING came from pen to paper.  Nothing for 20 days.  I sat up all night reading books, other blogs, newspapers, my old writings from college and more books.  I watched movies, listened to music and even made special play lists for some inspiration.  I had some great conversation with friends and even talked to God to mildly beg Him to give me some inspiration and/or direction.  NOTHING for 20 days. NO blogs and No book. NOTHING. [INSERT FRUSTRATED FACE HERE] I was blocked along with all the words that were in me.  I think I just got overwhelmed with the concept of book.  Folks would ask "how's the book coming?" and I would have nothing to say.  It was a masterpiece of minimalism (from my favorite movie of course).

After I made it past the initial block I wrote and wrote.  I even put something together to turn in and it was sent back bleeding of purple and red ink.  I read through the notes with good criticisms and tossed it to the side feeling somewhat defeated.  The critiques were concrete and precise but encouraged the doubt that festers inside of me. Honestly, It was a bunch of BS that I threw together to meet the deadline.  There was no real direction and it was not well thought out.  They saw that.  I knew that.  However, they are still pulling for me and even gave me some sources to self publish when I am ready.  [INSERT DEFEAT AND SELF DOUBT HERE]

All of this to say, I don't think that I am good enough.  I think that I write well.  I think that I tell a story well in my blog posts.  I love the conversations and accolades that come from folks that know me on FB and sometimes twitter from strangers (my blog uploads onto FB and Twitter as soon as I hit publish - AWESOME).  I believe that I have a something to say although sometimes it is rather random.  I think that I have experiences to share that people can relate to.  I even have people that support this endeavor and tell me how good I am all the time attempting to keep me encouraged. [INSERT SMILE HERE]  All wonderful things and I appreciate it but I AM NOT SURE IF I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO WRITE A BOOK.

I get anxious every time I think about the book; begin to write it and even when I am asked about it in any sort of way.  I try to stay encouraged with all the good people that I have in my life that constantly say, Girl, you need to write a book or when is the book coming?  They believe in me so why don't I completely believe in me?  I do not completely doubt my ability but I just don't know if I have it in me all the time.  There are times when I am geeked, crunk, pumped, jazzed etc [INSERT WHATEVER WORD YOU WOULD USE HERE] but then there are times when I am all alone in my house up late at night sitting with my notebook in lap, with pen in hand - nothing.  I did a good outline and I can even sometimes vision the book complete and printed in my hand but it's the process there that I am having trouble with.  Am I telling the right story?  Will they get it?  Will they really want to read it?  What is the direction that I am supposed to be taking?  Where are the damn words and why are they not coming out?  [INSERT FRUSTRATION IN TONE] This book project is more than I expected or even could have imagined.  REALISTICALLY, I thought that it was going to be easy.  Easy like when you're watching Oprah and the lady that wrote twilight says I just wrote what I dreamed or the chick that wrote all the Harry Potter books says it just came to me or when Terry McMillan says that I knew these characters already and/ or it was an experience.  Why is that not happening for me? [INSERT WHY FACE HERE] Maybe, I am just not good enough.  Maybe I am not meant to be a writer.  BUT I want to do this and I feel like I need to do this.

THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS… yes, like Usher.

CONFESSION #1:  I am very creative.  I like stuff.  People that truly know me know that I am a little scattered.  They do not always say it to me but I know this about me and I am sure they see it.  I start lots of projects all the time.  I have several projects going around my house right now (pillows, sewing, earrings, building a closet, shelves as a shoe rack, fixing my kitchen, bartending stuff, painting refurbishing, writings all over the place in several notebooks but they are well organized projects etc).  I know where everything is minus my clothing but that is another something. [NSERT INVENTORY LOOK AROUND HOUSE HERE] As I was saying, I start lots of projects and to this date MANY of them are incomplete.  Everything is a great idea and I start off hella strong with lots of motivation.  Then it happens and I get sidetracked and start another project.  I do not want this book to be one of those "projects".

CONFESSION #2: [INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE] I am scared.  I have a fear of not being good enough or my book not being worth it.  If it's not good then I am not as good as "they" believe me to be and then I am a disappointment.  I will be an accomplished disappointment though. [NLOL - NERVOUS LAUGHTER OUT LOUD]  I have a huge fear of failure.  Always have. [INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE] Though I know one that truly has faith shouldn't fear.  It's my constant battle with self and I always hope that I will grow out of it but it has yet to happen.  You can't fear what you don't know.  My intelligent self knows that. [INSERT SHOULDER SHRUG HERE] 

FINALLY, CONFESSION #3:  I write because it makes me feel closer to my daddy.  Silly but true.  He was so gifted with his words.  He told a good story with song.  I am still amazed how dedicated he was to his craft though I believe he had a fear of success but again, that is another something for another time.  When I write I feel as if he is with me and sometimes guiding my words.  I feel safe in my words and I felt that this book would be no different.  When I attempt to go to the book - I don't feel him.  I don't know that he is there guiding my words. Then this sparks a whole slew of emotions that are hard to bare. [INSERT BREAKDOWN-MELTDOWN HERE] If he were here I could talk to him about it but he is not.  So then I back away because my tears overwhelm my eyes and have bled the lines on the paper.  Ugh.  [WIPES FACE]

I'm a scattered, organized mess and maybe I am just not good enough to do this or maybe not right now.  Though, I believe this to be the best time for me to do this. Maybe I am just feeling a little discouraged and something will give. I have a couple of people that I would sincerely call friends that I care about dearly that I believe would be completely honest with me say that I am good enough and I need to just move past this all and just write BUT I am not so sure. [INSERT SHAKE OF HEAD HERE WITH SOME DOUBT] 

Well this is all that I have at this moment and please pardon the ramble of this mildly doubtful freckle faced woman.  I am just not sure if I am good enough and needed to write it out for reference.

RECONSTRUCTION... an Update Ramble

So, I have really been out the loop.  I have slacked on following friends, writing and making this blog be the best that it can be.  My sincere apologies.  I hope that you are not discouraged from reading.  I am trying to do better.  I desire to be better and that includes all around.

Honestly, life has happened.  I am in a place that is home trying to find my way.  I am all over the place emotionally, mentally, socially, personally.  I kind of feel full but not overwhelmed.  I need some follow through with my focus.  I have so many dreams, desires, hopes for fulfillment.  Often, there are things on my mind and my heart that do not seem to come out.  I lose my inspiration for expression.  It's strange to have so much to say but not the words to say 

Life has been changing and I have been going along for the ride.  It's amazing how one day liefe as we knew it can change in a split second.  All that was normal, mindful and comfortable errupts like a volcano seeming taking all hope for continuance.  Somewhere along they way some of my motivation, encouragement and some of my inspiraIt is one of those situations where you thought that you made adequate preparations for plans A-B-C to find out out that there should have been a plan D-E-F.  I am certain that someone out there, feels me.  I am not the only person going through some changes and the valley gets dark... sometimes it's hard to encourage yourself.  The economy has changed.  The world has changed. People have changed.  All along with the seasons.  It's already September... Fall is among us.

In fact, I have become better in tune with other people.  Sometimes you have to step away from self and see someone or some thing else. 

There's no danger of developing eyestrain from looking on the brighter side of things.

I am in a strange place in my life right now.  I am not unhappy but I am not completely happy either.  I am working on redefining my future.  Nowhere near complacement but peaking towards contentment.  Contentment for the woman that I am becoming.  I see her and she is not so bad.

Every now and then the mountains feel as if they are closing in on me and the ground shakes so hard that i can barely tell which direction is North/ Up - Storm.  Sometimes the storms of life get us off kilter but sometimes its easier to help, love on, encourage and be of service to someone else.  Take your focus off self.  It is amazing the words that come in a time when a friend needs them.  I am thankful that through this storm of life that I have had the right words at the right time.  I am constantly trying to be uplift my friends, trying to be a better sister, better daughter, better friend... as well as a better more consistent writer.  So please be patient with me.  I am trying...

LOVE ALWAYS,

FRECKLES

PS. My prayer is for all of you to be thankful in your life no matter the circumstance.  Keep in mind that your sharing may help someone else.  Be in tune with your gifts...

Peace, Blessings and Wonderful Words...

Single in This City (LA): WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?

Why are you single?

 

 

Shit dude, I don’t know

Once Upon a time I said it’s just not my turn but after further review it may be that

I have not met a man that is man enough to be my man.

 

Please do not take me out of context. I am not attempting to low key derogatory at all. It is a simple statement that makes some men instantly defensive. I try to not offend folks but I am also entitled to feel how I feel. So let me explain a bit.

 

At this point in my life, I am very much in tune with my strengths and my weaknesses. I know my flaws and some of them I am working on and some of them I am not. Just being honest. Very rarely, am I able to hear someone tell me something about me that I do not already know about myself. I pretty much know when I am as wrong as two left shoes and what is worth fighting for. I believe in picking my battles and making sure that I am heard. All this to say, I have a strong personality and a strong disposition. I have some old school attributes. I respect my role as a woman. I have been through some character building experiences that have blessed me to be comfortable in my own skin. I understand where I come from and I trust God to guide me where I am going. I understand and believe that there is a divine order in life – check your guide to life (The Bible, of course).

 

I need a man that is all of the above too. I need a man that will be strong where I am weak and want pull me up – vice versa. I need a man that loves himself enough to love me. One that loves the concept and work that love has to offer. He should want to take care of me – not only financially but spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. One that is secure in his role as a man and all that it entails. He should want to be the head and not the tail. He should want to be my man and eventually my husband. I need a man that has a backbone, zest and zeal. He should be ambitious and not desire to be complacent. He should truly want to be a we with me. I should be able to encourage him, uplift him and motivate him to be a better man for not only me but for himself. I should be able to be his best friend and his lover. He should feel the divine order of our existence and want to be together through all of life’s trials and tribulations and be able to be thankful for it all not only when it is good. He should believe in God and want to pray for me and with me. 

• I am single because that man has not been sent to me from the Creator just yet but I know he is coming. I am single because I choose not to settle for less than I am entitled to for the sake of having someone.
• I am single because I am whole and complete without one though I would love to have one that perfectly created just for me.
•  I am single because he hasn’t found me yet.

I meet men all the time and everywhere. I generally like to go with the flow. No pressure and a little pleasure. Take the time to get to know someone and feel them out. Spend some time and learn each other. I don’t immediately go for the lockdown conversation nor do I continually bring up commitment. I like for it to just happen mutually and on its own timing. Again, No pressure. Let’s just enjoy the ride. Let’s enjoy some beer, chicken wings and possibly some football. CHILLAX! Then I get, you are so cool. I didn’t know you were so cool. I am not ready for a relationship. It’s complicated. In my head it doesn’t have to be. Then there is a need for a break. However the next women, is apparently the right one and he is ready. I again have made a man wonderful for someone else. It’s frustrating. One man even said thank you. Thank you for what??? But whatever. He wasn’t meant for me and that is ok.

 

Please do not misunderstand me again, I am not complaining and I am so not a woman scorned or any of that. I just see things in a realistic sense. I am ok with being single. There are some things that I prefer not to deal with. I like that I am able to come and go as I please. I love that I am able to feel up my closet with as many shoes as possible with no regards to sharing any of the space. As a friend once said, I love that I can clap my hands when Cameo says Single Ladies Clap Your Hands.

NO LIFETIME PUSSY PASS FOR YOU (repost)

So what I told you that you were the love of my life and so what you are in my top 3 - you decided to walk out of my life and along with your exit was your pussy pass. So what I can recall almost ever unbelievable orgasmic service you provided and I told you were the best. Finally, so what I said that I would always be here. I meant it at the time but then I got tired and ALL of that went out the door. This pussy could have had your name on it whenever, wherever and however forever. Could have should have would have -You could have been but you were not man enough to be in it or have such privileges to stay up in it. I want a man that is man enough to be my man. So, you proved that you were not the man for me or hold onto the pass.

NO MORE PUSSY PASS FOR YOU!

and YES I mean that in the nicest most sincere way possible. It’s a negative for you buddy. I am no longer interested in the opportunity to have any parts of this body touched by you at this time. Your Pussy pass has been revoked. You had your opportunity and you did not man up when it counted. The thought of you no longer moistens my area. So, I am going to share this with you just this once and I hope that we do not have to have this conversation again anytime soon.After all this time that is all that we have - all this time. You didn’t hold the arrangement and it’s not all your fault. One minute you are there and consistent and you want to be there and its all good. Then something doesn’t go your way and you get mad and take a time out. Then you get over it and want back and I let you back in. After all, that dick was good. Then you want more and then you decide you want less. We can’t be this but you don’t want anyone else to hit it. And still I let you be there.

What’s your deal?

All the times of yes, yes and yes but when you get a no you forget all the times that I said yes. You should have known better. You should have realized and recognized. At this moment it is what it is but please do not feel that you have got it like that to come back after all this time. This here belongs to me and does not have you name on it no matter how good you think that you are. Though, I cannot take that from you. Boy, you had a stroke on you... mmmmmhmmmm.... high five to that but there is no more to you than that. You are a good dick. A good rise to the occasion keep my back arched, close my eyes and see the stars around me and know that the river does not run dry. A good thick dick. It is all that you are and that my dear that is not enough... anymore.

There has got to more.

I feel like those men that say that she is nothing more than a piece of good ass when my dick is hard and now I feel the same about you. All you are is good dick when I need to get one off but now I would much rather have B.O.B. There has got to be more to a man for me. Some sort of passion, ambition, motivation or a simple foundation. You cannot love the streets more than yourself forever baby, especially at this adult age.

At what point do you set those childish attributes behind you?When do realize that you can be more than a street thug? Don’t get me wrong - I don’t knock the hustle about you. In fact it is admired but when do you do something legit and keep your hustle as additional?I don’t get it. It’s hard to live straight but it can reap benefits. When do you recognize that you are more than that?

I can’t want more for you than you want for yourself and even though you said you were going to do be, you didn’t. I wanted to believe in you but you didn’t believe in you. I don’t want to stop you from being you but I have stopped being me to satisfy you. You have always been you and I am over you so, please continue being you and know that I am no longer available for any sort of interest. Truth is you were never really good for me and I was never really good for and we just need to remember what we use to do. It was good and it was such a ride.

So, please feel free to pass go, collect $200 and try not to go to jail. I am tired of playing this game and will opt out. One more thing before I go let me remind that your pussy pass is now null and void. All of your services have been declined. It has been revoked and it will not last lifetime.

You are the weakest link - goodbye!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Daddy, I am thinking of you. Each and every day and every time I look in the mirror. I long to hear your voice and receive your advice and it would be great to have a hug too. I would love to hear you say how much you love me and would love to hear you tell me that you are proud of me. However none of that is going to happen. I am feeling so many different things right now. I am frustrated and feeling some regret. I should have been there and I could have done this or that. I wish I could have said this and said that but I must let go of these feelings. I would like to share what has happened and what knowledge I gained. I would love to be able to tell you that I am sorry and explain my point of view. I would love to be able to share all things that I have felt over the last 15 years. All the wrongs and rights along with the ups and downs – this has been a process for not only you but all of us that love you.

I watched you and felt you not want to go on and not seem to understand the impact it had on the people around you. You were mean and stubborn. You always knew it all but could not take what you often dished out. You made no regard for your life as the others around you fought to keep you alive. Overtake, undertake and mistake while suffering and not sharing what you were feeling. The selfish part of me hates that you are gone but at the same time I am so glad that you are not longer in all of the pain. I feel like you could have tried harder but you didn’t. I feel like you could have still worked hard and for yourself but you didn’t. I feel like you still had a great work to do but you didn’t. You gave up on yourself without ever giving you a chance to succeed. You were such a genius and one of the smartest people that I have ever met. I listened to all of the things that people had to say about you and they all believed alike. I wish that you knew the impact that you had on so many people. I wish there could have been a moment where you realized that your life was so valuable even without legs. I wish you would have reached your potential.

So on this day, the day of your birthday, I am overwhelmed and my heart is heavy. I am unable to make this special phone call and let you know that I am thinking of you and loving you more than I can truly express. I would love to hear you say that you love me too but I know that you did. It just would be nice to hear you say it. However in my heart I say Happy Birthday and I love you so much!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY FRECKLES

and

Rest In Peace