Day 6: I am THANKFUL for WRITING...

I am thankful for WORDS to WRITE.   I write about all sorts of stuff and I don’t necessarily write for anyone else.  I just write.  I write my thoughts.  I write what's on my mind, something that happened, something someone said, something someone did, a response to conversations had, my feelings, dealing and getting to know myself and my love for love.  I write because it frees me of some of the thoughts frolicking in my head.

I have been in the process of writing a book or four for the last 2 years.  Initially, I began writing, in no real order just writing.  A few different concepts and per some of my past blog posts.  I talked to some friends and they were all about it and kept saying yeah, yeah, yeah - that’s good.  I can’t wait to buy your book.  They pumped me up and I went hard... simply writing.  THEN, I lost my inspiration.  I couldn’t write anything.  NOTHING came from pen to paper.  Nothing for 20 days.  I sat up all night reading books, other blogs, newspapers, my old WRITINGS and more books.  I watched movies, listened to music and even made special play lists for some inspiration.  I had some great conversations with friends and even talked to God to mildly beg Him to give me some inspiration and/or direction.  NOTHING for 20 days. NO blogs and NO book. NOTHING. [INSERT FRUSTRATED FACE HERE] I was blocked along with all the words that were in me.  I think I just got overwhelmed with the concept of book.  Folks would ask "how's the book coming?" and I would have nothing to say.  It was a masterpiece of minimalism (from my favorite movie of course).   

I am THANKFUL that WRITING is my outlet.  I think that I WRITE well.  I think that I tell a story well.  I love the conversations and accolades that come from folks that know me.  I believe that I have a something to say although sometimes it is rather random.  I think that I have experiences to share that people can relate to.  I even have people that support my WRITING and tell me how good I am all the time attempting to keep me encouraged. [INSERT SMILE HERE]  All wonderful things and I appreciate it but I AM NOT SURE IF I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO WRITE A BOOK yet I still WRITE.  I am THANKFUL that I am not a quitter – though I am a procrastinator [INSERT EMBARRASSMENT HERE].  I WRITE all the time and it is not always for public eyes.  I WRITE to let go of some feelings that tend to linger.  I WRITE to free frustrations and worry and sometimes doubt.  I still WRITE letters and cards to be special.  I WRITE and I am do refer to myself as a WRITER.

I am THANKFUL for WRITING because it makes me feel closer to my daddy.  My father was talented with his words.  He had a way with them and wrote music.  Upon reflection, his way with words was powerful and captivating.  He wrote all the time.  I sometimes wish that I was mature enough to be around when my daddy was WRITING.  I wish that I would have known more about his process.  I wish that I could have understood more about his inspiration.  Since I am not able, I just WRITE and try to channel him and allow him to part of my INSPIRATION.

May 30: A Picture of myself and 5 good things that have happened since this challenge

Honestly this challenge has allowed me to learn so much about some people that I know and do not know directly.  It has encouraged some thoughts that have encouraged some good writing while reflecting on some missed feelings.  This challenge has sparked somed wonderful things in me that will produce some great writings and even make my writing better as I have read some great blog posts lately.  This challenge has made me understand people more - how and what they are feeling.  Even though I fell off at the end I believe that this May Blog Challenge will make me a bit more dedicated to my craft.

Update - Im Above Ground (2011 edition)

First. let me begin this post by saying that I am so thankful that you have taken the time to come back to my lil place here onthe web even though I have not been posting in months.  I appreciate you.  I am going to do better. 

I am alive.  I am above ground again.  I've been off balance and I am a LIBRA, so I have a hard time managing.  I just needed to hibernate for a moment and get my thoughts in order with my heart.  There has been too much on my mind and I hadn't the heart to share it without the right words.  I have not even been putting ink to paper.  I have been so uninspired with words.  The words just seemed not to come into my spirit from which I write.

However, things are a changing and I am coming into a good place.  I have had some ideas and situations that have come into focus view to cleverly speak (write).  I am truly looking forward to the new year.  2011 has sent me on a roller coaster of emotions that I am currently writing about and should be posting in the next couple of days - Roller coaster 2011 (regarding re meeting someone special the love heartbreak missing my dad friendships new old and dead seeing family for who they are, really ...life as i experienced it this year)

Just wanted to share this with you in hope that you will come back and I am looking forward to consistently reading my faves and reconnecting through words with you.  Don't give up on the connection with my words, stories and point of view.  I am coming home.  Im back for good (consistently).

Am I good enough? (pardon the ramble)

So, I am writing a book.  Yeah, I am trying to write a book.  I have mixed feelings upon this endeavor but it is more of a personal accomplishment endeavor.  When I initially indulged into this quest it was encouraged by friends, family and others saying you write so well and you have such a voice.  I will agree.  I have so many stories in my head.  I have so many life experiences that may be beneficial to someone else.  I am so in love with LOVE that there is always a story there. I let the hype of others get into my spirit and I went with it.  Then it was the contact of a publisher, another writer and an editor that said I came across your blog from twitter via another person or from another blogger.  I read through past posts and was very impressed with what you had to say and/or how you said it.  Have you ever considered writing a book?  I was way geeked.  Yes, I said geeked.  Then there were the couple of articles here and a couple of articles there.  It was money for my words and it was hella cool. So yeah, I am gonna write this book. [INSERT GREAT ATTITUDE AND MOTIVATION HERE]

I began to think about what to write.  What am I suppose to write about?  When I spoke to the "professionals" they all said write from your blog or use your blog as the inspiration.  You have something good going there and I responded ok but my blog is all over the place. [INSERT CONFUSED FACE AND RANDOM THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD HERE]  I write about all sorts of stuff and I don't necessarily write for anyone else.  I just write.  I write my thoughts.  I write what's on my mind, something that happened, something someone said, something someone did, a response to conversations had, my feelings, dealing and getting to know myself and my love for love.  So again, I ask, what am I suppose to write about?  I was told write about love, curiosity and doubt per my blog and have 60 pages by this date. Seriously.  [INSERT SERIOUSLY FACE HERE] This is a great opportunity so let's get it done were my thoughts.

So, I began writing, in no real order just writing.  A few different concepts and per some of my blog posts.  I talked to some friends and they were all about it and kept saying yeah, yeah, yeah - that's good.  I can't wait to buy your book.  They pumped me up and I went hard... simply writing.  THEN, I lost my inspiration.  I couldn't write anything.  NOTHING came from pen to paper.  Nothing for 20 days.  I sat up all night reading books, other blogs, newspapers, my old writings from college and more books.  I watched movies, listened to music and even made special play lists for some inspiration.  I had some great conversation with friends and even talked to God to mildly beg Him to give me some inspiration and/or direction.  NOTHING for 20 days. NO blogs and No book. NOTHING. [INSERT FRUSTRATED FACE HERE] I was blocked along with all the words that were in me.  I think I just got overwhelmed with the concept of book.  Folks would ask "how's the book coming?" and I would have nothing to say.  It was a masterpiece of minimalism (from my favorite movie of course).

After I made it past the initial block I wrote and wrote.  I even put something together to turn in and it was sent back bleeding of purple and red ink.  I read through the notes with good criticisms and tossed it to the side feeling somewhat defeated.  The critiques were concrete and precise but encouraged the doubt that festers inside of me. Honestly, It was a bunch of BS that I threw together to meet the deadline.  There was no real direction and it was not well thought out.  They saw that.  I knew that.  However, they are still pulling for me and even gave me some sources to self publish when I am ready.  [INSERT DEFEAT AND SELF DOUBT HERE]

All of this to say, I don't think that I am good enough.  I think that I write well.  I think that I tell a story well in my blog posts.  I love the conversations and accolades that come from folks that know me on FB and sometimes twitter from strangers (my blog uploads onto FB and Twitter as soon as I hit publish - AWESOME).  I believe that I have a something to say although sometimes it is rather random.  I think that I have experiences to share that people can relate to.  I even have people that support this endeavor and tell me how good I am all the time attempting to keep me encouraged. [INSERT SMILE HERE]  All wonderful things and I appreciate it but I AM NOT SURE IF I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO WRITE A BOOK.

I get anxious every time I think about the book; begin to write it and even when I am asked about it in any sort of way.  I try to stay encouraged with all the good people that I have in my life that constantly say, Girl, you need to write a book or when is the book coming?  They believe in me so why don't I completely believe in me?  I do not completely doubt my ability but I just don't know if I have it in me all the time.  There are times when I am geeked, crunk, pumped, jazzed etc [INSERT WHATEVER WORD YOU WOULD USE HERE] but then there are times when I am all alone in my house up late at night sitting with my notebook in lap, with pen in hand - nothing.  I did a good outline and I can even sometimes vision the book complete and printed in my hand but it's the process there that I am having trouble with.  Am I telling the right story?  Will they get it?  Will they really want to read it?  What is the direction that I am supposed to be taking?  Where are the damn words and why are they not coming out?  [INSERT FRUSTRATION IN TONE] This book project is more than I expected or even could have imagined.  REALISTICALLY, I thought that it was going to be easy.  Easy like when you're watching Oprah and the lady that wrote twilight says I just wrote what I dreamed or the chick that wrote all the Harry Potter books says it just came to me or when Terry McMillan says that I knew these characters already and/ or it was an experience.  Why is that not happening for me? [INSERT WHY FACE HERE] Maybe, I am just not good enough.  Maybe I am not meant to be a writer.  BUT I want to do this and I feel like I need to do this.

THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS… yes, like Usher.

CONFESSION #1:  I am very creative.  I like stuff.  People that truly know me know that I am a little scattered.  They do not always say it to me but I know this about me and I am sure they see it.  I start lots of projects all the time.  I have several projects going around my house right now (pillows, sewing, earrings, building a closet, shelves as a shoe rack, fixing my kitchen, bartending stuff, painting refurbishing, writings all over the place in several notebooks but they are well organized projects etc).  I know where everything is minus my clothing but that is another something. [NSERT INVENTORY LOOK AROUND HOUSE HERE] As I was saying, I start lots of projects and to this date MANY of them are incomplete.  Everything is a great idea and I start off hella strong with lots of motivation.  Then it happens and I get sidetracked and start another project.  I do not want this book to be one of those "projects".

CONFESSION #2: [INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE] I am scared.  I have a fear of not being good enough or my book not being worth it.  If it's not good then I am not as good as "they" believe me to be and then I am a disappointment.  I will be an accomplished disappointment though. [NLOL - NERVOUS LAUGHTER OUT LOUD]  I have a huge fear of failure.  Always have. [INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE] Though I know one that truly has faith shouldn't fear.  It's my constant battle with self and I always hope that I will grow out of it but it has yet to happen.  You can't fear what you don't know.  My intelligent self knows that. [INSERT SHOULDER SHRUG HERE] 

FINALLY, CONFESSION #3:  I write because it makes me feel closer to my daddy.  Silly but true.  He was so gifted with his words.  He told a good story with song.  I am still amazed how dedicated he was to his craft though I believe he had a fear of success but again, that is another something for another time.  When I write I feel as if he is with me and sometimes guiding my words.  I feel safe in my words and I felt that this book would be no different.  When I attempt to go to the book - I don't feel him.  I don't know that he is there guiding my words. Then this sparks a whole slew of emotions that are hard to bare. [INSERT BREAKDOWN-MELTDOWN HERE] If he were here I could talk to him about it but he is not.  So then I back away because my tears overwhelm my eyes and have bled the lines on the paper.  Ugh.  [WIPES FACE]

I'm a scattered, organized mess and maybe I am just not good enough to do this or maybe not right now.  Though, I believe this to be the best time for me to do this. Maybe I am just feeling a little discouraged and something will give. I have a couple of people that I would sincerely call friends that I care about dearly that I believe would be completely honest with me say that I am good enough and I need to just move past this all and just write BUT I am not so sure. [INSERT SHAKE OF HEAD HERE WITH SOME DOUBT] 

Well this is all that I have at this moment and please pardon the ramble of this mildly doubtful freckle faced woman.  I am just not sure if I am good enough and needed to write it out for reference.

lacklustermotivation

Lackin motivation to write.  I feel like there are some things to be said but not sure if this is the forum.  I  suppose to each their own.  I kind of want to talk about something but dont want to offend - as always I dont use names or even time stamps.  In fact some inspiration is not even mine.  Although I would like to take credit.  I have several blogs in the belly but none are ready for birth.  Sometimes you have to hold it in and once their ready they will come.

So look forward to Single in this City (LA) series... me dating and such in a place that is home but hasnt been home for a while.  Men are different everywhere but LA is a totally different beast.

There will be more about Mr. Unavailable as I have things to get out of my system as far as that is concerned.

I am thinking about starting another blog to voice some of my inhibitions but not truly motivated to do that either.  I guess I dont want to be judged.  That may be it.  It is just an idea right now but hell, I may just let it flow possibly once a week.  We shall see when it hits, it hits.   You see people have  way of trying to tell you what they dont like or dont think you should say or what to feel or that you are not carrying yourself in this manner and you are this or that.  I just am not in the mood for it.

I am going to be more into my writing as I am finally getting settled in this city.  I just need to be motivated or possibly inspired.  I will get past this mere emotion and get it together but it is what is right at this moment or at least my writing is what it aint.

damn.