Doubt

Today one of my daily devotions shared:

…doubt is the rust of life

Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not alive. So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now.

 

Doubt /dout/

Noun: A feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction

Verb: Feel uncertain about

Synonyms: Question, Uncertainty, Qualm, Suspect, Mistrust, Query

After I read it, I read it again and again allowing the words to seep into my spirit.  Sooooo dead on and so true to this very moment.  Doubt and I have a sordid love/hate affair.  We tend to bump heads like bulls in heat.  It’s always overwhelming and/or frustrating when Doubt rears its ugly head. 

 

There are times when doubt creeps in and tries to steal my joy.  Sometimes there are thoughts of the past, shoulda, coulda & wouldas followed by some self inadequacies.  Why am I not doing this or that?  Why am I still in this same situation?  When is it my turn to cceed?  Why am failing to an extent?  It’s always some kind of crazy how the mind works.  How in a moment pleasantries turn and vulnerability sets in.  I am in a strange point in my life.  I am about to be a year older and still not completely moving into the direction of upgrade.  I need a life upgrade.  I need to know where and what I am suppose to be doing with my life.  What I want to be doing vs. What I should be doing.  Just a few of the questions flood my mind and corrupt my thoughts – doubt enters.  I begin having a bunch of conflicting thoughts.  Am I good enough?  Am I worthy? Am I this or that?  I am so all over the place mentally/emotionally/financially.  I am still working through it all and I know that I am not the only one that fools around with doubt but like any unworthy relationship, its short term.

 

I’m STILL not that chick but if I was...

I find this to be neccessary again as it seems some may not have gotten the point the last time.  I will get off this soapbox when it is no longer valid.

No, I am STILL not that chick but if I was you should be nervous but bitches like you that make wish that I were.

It is a shame when a woman has a good man and doesn't know what to do with him. A man that is not afraid of being a man and loves her in spite of her.  He takes care of home and his family in it.  He loves, honors and respects all her wishes even when he disagrees. He spends time, adores her and even waits patiently for her to decide when the time is right to make it all good on paper.  He allows her to be who she is and tones himself down a bit by not kicking it as much and even cutting off the female friends that may make her uncomfortable. His life is all about her and their family.  I am sure that are problems but in the big picture he is a good man who has room for improvement but we all should be works in progress.

It is funny how that woman cannot appreciate what she has and spends way too much time pointing out imperfections and minor details of who his friends are and what he is doing with them and why it is not time to tie the knot. It is a shame when that "good man" feels the need to vent about his love for this woman and profess to be patient. He shares his frustration and still manages to bring it home to her. He sees that it is not as good as it could but makes an effort to work at his relationship with her. It's ironic that bitches women like that feel the need to try to find something wrong sabotage with her "good man" by going all through his email and showing her insecurities to other people.  She would take the time to contact those women that may of threat instead of talking to him. She would try to find a reason to give up on him instead of being thankful. It is sad that women like this make a good man wanna leave the one he's with like Usher.  It is a shame when this woman cannot find the time to ask her "good man" how his day was or what's on his mind or simply say "baby, I was thinking about you and want to cater to you in appreciation for all that you do".  It's funny how that woman that has that "good man" feels the need to parade herself as that man to try to find something that is not there. 

There are women out there that wait for women like this to make a mistake and slip up.  There are women out there that know how to take care of a good man and uplift him and please him at the same time.  There are women out there that could show a good man how wonderful he is and not second guess his any move.  These women are friends and there waiting for their opportunity and chance to make that good man theirs.  They see him and the big picture. They feel his frustrations and know how to cure it and want to have what you have. She will do whatever it takes as soon as possible so be careful.  Watch out and proceed with caution. This is a warning. There is always another waiting in the wings and hoping that you continue to go through his phone and calling/ texting via his phone pretending to be him. I know this woman and I often wish to be her but I am not. 

I respect him and I even respect you although at this moment you don't really deserve it. I am not one that you have to worry about at all but if I were that chick you made your one mistake and the ball could have been in my court.  I see how this could have played out if I was that chick. It would have been so easy but lucky for you, I am really just his friend and I'm not that chick.

Am I good enough? (pardon the ramble)

So, I am writing a book.  Yeah, I am trying to write a book.  I have mixed feelings upon this endeavor but it is more of a personal accomplishment endeavor.  When I initially indulged into this quest it was encouraged by friends, family and others saying you write so well and you have such a voice.  I will agree.  I have so many stories in my head.  I have so many life experiences that may be beneficial to someone else.  I am so in love with LOVE that there is always a story there. I let the hype of others get into my spirit and I went with it.  Then it was the contact of a publisher, another writer and an editor that said I came across your blog from twitter via another person or from another blogger.  I read through past posts and was very impressed with what you had to say and/or how you said it.  Have you ever considered writing a book?  I was way geeked.  Yes, I said geeked.  Then there were the couple of articles here and a couple of articles there.  It was money for my words and it was hella cool. So yeah, I am gonna write this book. [INSERT GREAT ATTITUDE AND MOTIVATION HERE]

I began to think about what to write.  What am I suppose to write about?  When I spoke to the "professionals" they all said write from your blog or use your blog as the inspiration.  You have something good going there and I responded ok but my blog is all over the place. [INSERT CONFUSED FACE AND RANDOM THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD HERE]  I write about all sorts of stuff and I don't necessarily write for anyone else.  I just write.  I write my thoughts.  I write what's on my mind, something that happened, something someone said, something someone did, a response to conversations had, my feelings, dealing and getting to know myself and my love for love.  So again, I ask, what am I suppose to write about?  I was told write about love, curiosity and doubt per my blog and have 60 pages by this date. Seriously.  [INSERT SERIOUSLY FACE HERE] This is a great opportunity so let's get it done were my thoughts.

So, I began writing, in no real order just writing.  A few different concepts and per some of my blog posts.  I talked to some friends and they were all about it and kept saying yeah, yeah, yeah - that's good.  I can't wait to buy your book.  They pumped me up and I went hard... simply writing.  THEN, I lost my inspiration.  I couldn't write anything.  NOTHING came from pen to paper.  Nothing for 20 days.  I sat up all night reading books, other blogs, newspapers, my old writings from college and more books.  I watched movies, listened to music and even made special play lists for some inspiration.  I had some great conversation with friends and even talked to God to mildly beg Him to give me some inspiration and/or direction.  NOTHING for 20 days. NO blogs and No book. NOTHING. [INSERT FRUSTRATED FACE HERE] I was blocked along with all the words that were in me.  I think I just got overwhelmed with the concept of book.  Folks would ask "how's the book coming?" and I would have nothing to say.  It was a masterpiece of minimalism (from my favorite movie of course).

After I made it past the initial block I wrote and wrote.  I even put something together to turn in and it was sent back bleeding of purple and red ink.  I read through the notes with good criticisms and tossed it to the side feeling somewhat defeated.  The critiques were concrete and precise but encouraged the doubt that festers inside of me. Honestly, It was a bunch of BS that I threw together to meet the deadline.  There was no real direction and it was not well thought out.  They saw that.  I knew that.  However, they are still pulling for me and even gave me some sources to self publish when I am ready.  [INSERT DEFEAT AND SELF DOUBT HERE]

All of this to say, I don't think that I am good enough.  I think that I write well.  I think that I tell a story well in my blog posts.  I love the conversations and accolades that come from folks that know me on FB and sometimes twitter from strangers (my blog uploads onto FB and Twitter as soon as I hit publish - AWESOME).  I believe that I have a something to say although sometimes it is rather random.  I think that I have experiences to share that people can relate to.  I even have people that support this endeavor and tell me how good I am all the time attempting to keep me encouraged. [INSERT SMILE HERE]  All wonderful things and I appreciate it but I AM NOT SURE IF I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO WRITE A BOOK.

I get anxious every time I think about the book; begin to write it and even when I am asked about it in any sort of way.  I try to stay encouraged with all the good people that I have in my life that constantly say, Girl, you need to write a book or when is the book coming?  They believe in me so why don't I completely believe in me?  I do not completely doubt my ability but I just don't know if I have it in me all the time.  There are times when I am geeked, crunk, pumped, jazzed etc [INSERT WHATEVER WORD YOU WOULD USE HERE] but then there are times when I am all alone in my house up late at night sitting with my notebook in lap, with pen in hand - nothing.  I did a good outline and I can even sometimes vision the book complete and printed in my hand but it's the process there that I am having trouble with.  Am I telling the right story?  Will they get it?  Will they really want to read it?  What is the direction that I am supposed to be taking?  Where are the damn words and why are they not coming out?  [INSERT FRUSTRATION IN TONE] This book project is more than I expected or even could have imagined.  REALISTICALLY, I thought that it was going to be easy.  Easy like when you're watching Oprah and the lady that wrote twilight says I just wrote what I dreamed or the chick that wrote all the Harry Potter books says it just came to me or when Terry McMillan says that I knew these characters already and/ or it was an experience.  Why is that not happening for me? [INSERT WHY FACE HERE] Maybe, I am just not good enough.  Maybe I am not meant to be a writer.  BUT I want to do this and I feel like I need to do this.

THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS… yes, like Usher.

CONFESSION #1:  I am very creative.  I like stuff.  People that truly know me know that I am a little scattered.  They do not always say it to me but I know this about me and I am sure they see it.  I start lots of projects all the time.  I have several projects going around my house right now (pillows, sewing, earrings, building a closet, shelves as a shoe rack, fixing my kitchen, bartending stuff, painting refurbishing, writings all over the place in several notebooks but they are well organized projects etc).  I know where everything is minus my clothing but that is another something. [NSERT INVENTORY LOOK AROUND HOUSE HERE] As I was saying, I start lots of projects and to this date MANY of them are incomplete.  Everything is a great idea and I start off hella strong with lots of motivation.  Then it happens and I get sidetracked and start another project.  I do not want this book to be one of those "projects".

CONFESSION #2: [INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE] I am scared.  I have a fear of not being good enough or my book not being worth it.  If it's not good then I am not as good as "they" believe me to be and then I am a disappointment.  I will be an accomplished disappointment though. [NLOL - NERVOUS LAUGHTER OUT LOUD]  I have a huge fear of failure.  Always have. [INSERT DEEP BREATH HERE] Though I know one that truly has faith shouldn't fear.  It's my constant battle with self and I always hope that I will grow out of it but it has yet to happen.  You can't fear what you don't know.  My intelligent self knows that. [INSERT SHOULDER SHRUG HERE] 

FINALLY, CONFESSION #3:  I write because it makes me feel closer to my daddy.  Silly but true.  He was so gifted with his words.  He told a good story with song.  I am still amazed how dedicated he was to his craft though I believe he had a fear of success but again, that is another something for another time.  When I write I feel as if he is with me and sometimes guiding my words.  I feel safe in my words and I felt that this book would be no different.  When I attempt to go to the book - I don't feel him.  I don't know that he is there guiding my words. Then this sparks a whole slew of emotions that are hard to bare. [INSERT BREAKDOWN-MELTDOWN HERE] If he were here I could talk to him about it but he is not.  So then I back away because my tears overwhelm my eyes and have bled the lines on the paper.  Ugh.  [WIPES FACE]

I'm a scattered, organized mess and maybe I am just not good enough to do this or maybe not right now.  Though, I believe this to be the best time for me to do this. Maybe I am just feeling a little discouraged and something will give. I have a couple of people that I would sincerely call friends that I care about dearly that I believe would be completely honest with me say that I am good enough and I need to just move past this all and just write BUT I am not so sure. [INSERT SHAKE OF HEAD HERE WITH SOME DOUBT] 

Well this is all that I have at this moment and please pardon the ramble of this mildly doubtful freckle faced woman.  I am just not sure if I am good enough and needed to write it out for reference.