Insomniac Thoughts (RAMBLE)

totally missing me granny and daddy right now while I am sleep and hafta be up in 5 1/2 hours.
DAMN INSOMNIA.

I really want to talk to her right now.  I feel disconnected.  Now that she is gone I dont really feel or really hear from that side of the family.  The very thing that I hoped wouldnt happen is happening.

It is kind of crazy that when you up and all alone at night when you are suppose to be sleep all the things that go through your mind and send your emotions into rollercoaster mode.  I am really just so all over the place.

wish he would have presented himself differently than he did.  his dirty bathroom was a dealbreaker.  I miss that old friendship even though its not worth having.

I am tired. I really want a career oriented job and have my heart set on one in particular.

 I really want the Galaxy tablet phone. played with it today and man...

maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was.  I am ready for my BREAKTHROUGH



I am going to end this post via my phone right now before I get all sorts of beside myself.

mind movement - pardon the ramble

so, i am just sort of up right now and i really should be sleep since i have to get up for work in about 5 hours. craziness. i am just laying here well not really laying but i am here nonetheless with my eyes open and my mind moving. i am all over the place emotionally, drained mentally and i am just so tired. i am just so tired. tired all of the time.  i feel emotional all of the time.  i do my best to hold it all together and i do my best to be there for everyone. it is so much easier to be for other people.  i don’t really have a focus at this moment.  i need improvements. 

things in my head tend to move fast all the time and every now and then people can catch it all over my face.  i am often so in my feelings that i cut off from people.  i pull back which is not the right thing to do all the time but i just need to be able to hear him but i feel like i am missing something. 

as grown as i am, im not which is kind of crazy too.  i often feel all alone in a world full of people. not that i am the only one going through anything but again the selfish me is on in my feelings and my self pity that i am not open.  the last time i opened my heart it got broken and i am having a hard time completely getting over it. there are times when i am just cool with it all and then there are times that i just miss what i thought we could have been. all that i wanted us to be.  that too may have been all in my head. 

i just feel alone. alone in my thoughts, feelings and my desires. i don’t really know what i am suppose to be doing with my life but i do know that i need more money and more ambition.  i need some passion and hope.  i need to not feel so alone when i am so blessed to have people in my life that love me and genuinely care about me.  that is awesome.  though some of my closest relationships feel strained or just kind of different.  have you ever just wished that things were as they use to be and/or there was really an easy button?  i need some easy.  i need some give.  i really need to stop all this damn crying.  my nose swells when i cry. 

my mother is super amazing.  she doesn’t know how strong she is and that she is so much like her mother which is funny because i am so much like her.  i am grateful to her and she keeps me from really giving up.  i owe her so much and i just have to be better.  do better.

i saw a lady that lost her husband a couple of weeks ago cry and be comforted by her daughter. everyone around seemed so caught up with the mother that they didn’t think about the daughter. losing your father changes you forever.  it makes you have to create a new normal.  i know that feeling and its tough.  i miss him every day. i would give anything to just hear his voice.  i wish that my daddy was here and that is selfish.  i swear the day that he died a piece of me did too.  it just seems so final well i suppose that it is but it has been almost 3 years.  though it is easier to deal with day to day – it’s the random moments of sadness that consume me.  they throw me off. i miss him.  i wish he was here.  i wish that i could hear his voice and sometimes i just want to talk about it but decide against it and just hold it in and keep it to myself.  how many times can any person hear me go on and on and on about my daddy? i am sure there are people in my life that wouldn’t mind but i am already enough of a burden. anyway i am tired. pardon the ramble.

Random Relationship Thought (Crush)

I want him in the worst way. It is crazy.  In conversation he tantalizes my core.  He to say things that I want to hear.  Have you just thought about someone randomly and just wonder.
Who is he? What he is like? What does he have to offer? How is he? Damn, where is he? lol. Could he? Would he? Will he? Does he even think of me?

It is kind of random but I think that I want him...NOW

RECONSTRUCTION... an Update Ramble

So, I have really been out the loop.  I have slacked on following friends, writing and making this blog be the best that it can be.  My sincere apologies.  I hope that you are not discouraged from reading.  I am trying to do better.  I desire to be better and that includes all around.

Honestly, life has happened.  I am in a place that is home trying to find my way.  I am all over the place emotionally, mentally, socially, personally.  I kind of feel full but not overwhelmed.  I need some follow through with my focus.  I have so many dreams, desires, hopes for fulfillment.  Often, there are things on my mind and my heart that do not seem to come out.  I lose my inspiration for expression.  It's strange to have so much to say but not the words to say 

Life has been changing and I have been going along for the ride.  It's amazing how one day liefe as we knew it can change in a split second.  All that was normal, mindful and comfortable errupts like a volcano seeming taking all hope for continuance.  Somewhere along they way some of my motivation, encouragement and some of my inspiraIt is one of those situations where you thought that you made adequate preparations for plans A-B-C to find out out that there should have been a plan D-E-F.  I am certain that someone out there, feels me.  I am not the only person going through some changes and the valley gets dark... sometimes it's hard to encourage yourself.  The economy has changed.  The world has changed. People have changed.  All along with the seasons.  It's already September... Fall is among us.

In fact, I have become better in tune with other people.  Sometimes you have to step away from self and see someone or some thing else. 

There's no danger of developing eyestrain from looking on the brighter side of things.

I am in a strange place in my life right now.  I am not unhappy but I am not completely happy either.  I am working on redefining my future.  Nowhere near complacement but peaking towards contentment.  Contentment for the woman that I am becoming.  I see her and she is not so bad.

Every now and then the mountains feel as if they are closing in on me and the ground shakes so hard that i can barely tell which direction is North/ Up - Storm.  Sometimes the storms of life get us off kilter but sometimes its easier to help, love on, encourage and be of service to someone else.  Take your focus off self.  It is amazing the words that come in a time when a friend needs them.  I am thankful that through this storm of life that I have had the right words at the right time.  I am constantly trying to be uplift my friends, trying to be a better sister, better daughter, better friend... as well as a better more consistent writer.  So please be patient with me.  I am trying...

LOVE ALWAYS,

FRECKLES

PS. My prayer is for all of you to be thankful in your life no matter the circumstance.  Keep in mind that your sharing may help someone else.  Be in tune with your gifts...

Peace, Blessings and Wonderful Words...