I want to kiss him

I want to kiss him and feel his breath so close to my face that I can feel his spirit.  Feel his lips against mine with excitement coming across us together in our kiss.  The fervor that keeps us motivated to learn our delight.  Our kiss is more than powerful and not a game.  It’s just us lip to lip, close, interlocked and neither able to get enough of the luscious taste. 

Kissing him makes me feel the need to be close to him in an intimate way.  Be able to breathe him in and breathe out all doubt.  In that same breath it is our escape of all the worries of the world.  It is just he and I and me and he. Together in a kiss of passion and pain to sorrow and joy – experiencing an overabundance of emotions.  Just he and I experiencing each other in a kiss. 

I want to kiss him gently until he feels my heart beat his name in unison with his thoughts.  Thinking of all the conversation yet to be had and already anticipating our next kiss.  Within a moment there is only two. two arms to touch two hearts holding two souls that caress two lips in one kiss followed by another then another then another. It all feels so good and oh so right. It is safe, secure, uncomplicated, uncompromising.  It’s just a kiss. 

Each kiss penetrating my thoughts and stimulating our expectancy. Kissing him makes me feel he joined with me equaling us in plethora of kisses. One here, one there and one here followed by another there and there.  Our ability to be one with self to another. Mutually beneficial, sensationally sweet, delectably passionate, particularly intimate and sensual but not always sexual.  

I want to kiss him generously in thankfulness of our ancestors that worked so hard praising Him for another day allowing us this moment to be together to learn what it feels to be free.  Free to kiss each other privately or publicly displaying our affection of admiration towards each other.  Be able to look into his eyes knowing that our kiss will move mountains, make nature stand still and change the color of the sky.

Kissing him makes me feel special and gives me the ability to hear his words without ever being spoken.  It is honest, true and sincere which makes me think of the most High where it is written to focus your mind on whatsoever is pure.  His lips make me understand that passage and I purely want to kiss him.

I want to kiss him in real life and in all of my dreams.  Be able to wake up and know that my dreams were as real as real can be.  In my dreams he will kiss me and me only not to be compared to any other as our kiss is all our own and never to be shared or even duplicated.

Kissing him makes me want to be there for him - be his friend and one day his companion but in this moment we just kiss. No expectations. No immediate motives. No questions. Just the magic of a kiss that leaves me wanting more.  More time to kiss him until lemons are sweet and gravity defies physics. 

I want to kiss him. Just kiss him.  Learn him. Breathe him. Hold him. Know him. Kiss him, Lip to lip, eyes closed with no worries. Passionate. Whole. Sweet. Sensual. Just our kiss. Together intertwined. Tasting our joy. Just kissing him making me feel my desire to just be in this moment in our kiss.  One day, he will be there and we will have that moment of magic.Our kiss wont have words or definitions.  

~Love, Curiosity and my Freckled Thoughts~

Random Relationship Rant: Thoughts of you

I heard a song today that took me to a place of loving you.  Well when I felt the love from you.  A place where we were on one accord and in sync.  It was a happier time for me when we were an us. We were we and speaking of a long term contract that would hopefully turn into nuptials at some point.  We moved past and lived in the moment not truly coming into a complete now.  We allowed our past to fuel and drive us but maybe I was the closure you needed.  

I often wonder about you and how your life is now.  I guess it is more to your mindset.  Are you happy?  Do you ever think of me?  I have always cared about your well being.  You will always be a special person in my heart no matter the circumstance.  You were a bright light in some dark times. 

I heard a song today that made me think of you.  The song brought me joy.  It made me smile and it made a warm feeling come over me.  In the moment I wanted to call you and tell you all about it.  Share in the same moment and possibly bring a smile to your face.  I wanted to erase the time that has seperated us and just be in that moment.  It was melody of us never sharp and never flat.  the harmony was smooth and sultry and the lyrics were soothing.  It was us.  Then I came back to me as the song ended.  We are no longer and neither was the song playing.  It was just over but I could still hear it in my mind.  It is wonderful to have a memory of when.  I miss it.  all of it. and you.

Thinking...

So, yeah I am up when I should be sleep.  I have to be up in about 5 hours but there is so much on my mind but nothing really all in the same thought.

·         I have kind of been lonely in a world full of people but not really.  I guess it is the companion aspect that I miss a bit.  There phone conversations and confessions of the next time whispered across the line.  The desire to want to be close or simply in the same space just being.   It has all been on my mind especially after my single post which has a bunch of new thoughts.  So here I be… thinking

·         I have some good people in my life that have lives of their own which is what it is (when did I start overusing that line – It is what it is – yet is just makes sense and it be.  Everyone has stuff going on and no really going on. There are so many matters of the world that consume our spirits and time just seems to go on.

·         Damnit October is just bout over. TIME just moves and goes.   The seconds turn into minutes to hours, then the days go into months and the year is over.  I was so excited about my birthday and it just sort of came and went. Now its almost November – Thanksgiving, Christmas and just like that a New Year with new goals. (There is a Thanksgiving Challenge if anyone is interested – SEE NEXT POST)

 

·         I am trying to stay optimistic that a breakthrough is upon me.  The valley gets dark but I just need to stay in tune with my FAITH.  I feel like God is truly moving in my life yet I don’t know what is going on so I guess I just need to rely on FAITH.

·         I have started gaining some weight and it has made me feel some kind of way yet I know what I need to do. I just need to do it and before the holidays come around.  Again that damn TIME is just a ticking.

·         I sometimes wonder what I am suppose to be learning in this process of going through and why is it that I am not as productive as I want to be,  why I have so many good unexecuted ideas and why the demon of procrastination and I stay connected like a ball and chain.

·         I wish worry and fear didn’t exist.

·         Why? Just a thought that I do not think that I ready to share.

·         Boo for analization.  Ever think about scenarios and/or situations and wonder if there was something that you could have done differently? I have been thinkin about that too

·         I need to mend some friendships.  Not there is anything that happened directly but I think that there are some people that I need to remind that I care.

·         I miss conversations and technology has stymied some relationship or at least I have allowed it to.  I remember a time when I use to write letters, send cards and talk on the phone nonstop.  I have bundles of stationary and cards that I have not taken out the package and there is a box full of hallmark cards that I have not sent.  Smh.

·         I have a package for a friend that has decided that we are no longer friends.  I procrastinated on mailing it and it is just sitting.  I am tired of looking at it and I do not feel that it is appropriate to recycle it.  What to do?  It’s kind of funny that I am not as hurt as I thought I would be.  I guess the season was up and life goes on with and without.

·         It sucks to care about someone more than they seem to care about themselves.

·         He didn’t call me for my birthday.

·         There is another friend that is not much of a friend to me anymore that seems to take advantage of the length of the “friendship”.  I cannot make anyone do anything that they do not want to do – still an incomplete thought

·         I love that my niece is crazy about me.  She makes me smile and it is a nice feeling.

·         I have a crush.

·         I need to upgrade my deserve level.

·         I am so not where I want to be in my life – it’s an ongoing battle.

·         Why is it so easy for one to be good for sex but not good enough for a relationship?

·         Being grown is overrated.

·         I haven’t had a real date in a while.  The kind that is whirlwind and full of butterflies.  A real dinner, movie, walk on the beach and endless verses of conversation. Just coffee, quick bite and maybe a movie at the house.

·         My cell phone is a piece of sh!t and cannot wait to get a new one.

·         While there is so much to be thankful for why is it so easy to be concerned with what one doesn’t have.  I never want to deem ungrateful but I know there has got to be more.  I once had more and I am still learning being content with what I have now.  Human Nature is a BEAST.

·         What about the one that got away or wasn’t completely recognized until it was too late?

·         There are so many folks that are married that shouldn’t be married because they still pretend to be single.  It makes me more comfortable being single not to have to worry about the politics.  I am glad that I have been able to see happy marriages but it seems to be so many that are ugh.  I get hit on by married me all the time and I am not sure what it is about me that makes them think that I would be ok with being the other woman.  Karma is something.

·         Lust and Love are terrible conflicts.

·         I wish some relationship were stronger than they are currently.  How do you really deal with the past and leave it be when it constantly haunts you or randomly floats in and out of you subconscious?

·         TRUST vs LOYALTY – incomplete thought but a thought nonetheless

·         I thought that I had found my MOJO but I was deceived.

·         I miss him and I am over this grief and heartbreak.  It’s kind of strange how I have noticed that I have begun to see men differently since my daddy passed.

Just some thoughts...

Remembering...

 

 

 

May 20: Something you wonder WHAT IF about

WHAT IF…

§  I would have chosen a different major or a different college?

§  I would have become his wife and had his baby

§  I would have kept it all to myself

§  My daddy was still here

§  I would have fought a little harder for us

§  He would have made the effort and not sabotaged us

§  I would have told the truth

§  I would have been comfortable in my own skin a little sooner

§  I wouldn’t have put myself in that situation

§  I decide to share me with him

§  My relationships change for the worse

§  Something were to happen to me

§  I didn’t care to feel or love

§  I didn’t have freckles

§  She wasn’t there for me what would have happened

§  I am not forgiven

§  I become successful

§  Pandora’s box opens

§  I never moved to Atlanta

§  She never figured out who I was

§  He couldn’t appreciate who I am now

§  She lets go of his bs

§  He walks away from her baggage

 There is always a WHAT IF…

mind movement - pardon the ramble

so, i am just sort of up right now and i really should be sleep since i have to get up for work in about 5 hours. craziness. i am just laying here well not really laying but i am here nonetheless with my eyes open and my mind moving. i am all over the place emotionally, drained mentally and i am just so tired. i am just so tired. tired all of the time.  i feel emotional all of the time.  i do my best to hold it all together and i do my best to be there for everyone. it is so much easier to be for other people.  i don’t really have a focus at this moment.  i need improvements. 

things in my head tend to move fast all the time and every now and then people can catch it all over my face.  i am often so in my feelings that i cut off from people.  i pull back which is not the right thing to do all the time but i just need to be able to hear him but i feel like i am missing something. 

as grown as i am, im not which is kind of crazy too.  i often feel all alone in a world full of people. not that i am the only one going through anything but again the selfish me is on in my feelings and my self pity that i am not open.  the last time i opened my heart it got broken and i am having a hard time completely getting over it. there are times when i am just cool with it all and then there are times that i just miss what i thought we could have been. all that i wanted us to be.  that too may have been all in my head. 

i just feel alone. alone in my thoughts, feelings and my desires. i don’t really know what i am suppose to be doing with my life but i do know that i need more money and more ambition.  i need some passion and hope.  i need to not feel so alone when i am so blessed to have people in my life that love me and genuinely care about me.  that is awesome.  though some of my closest relationships feel strained or just kind of different.  have you ever just wished that things were as they use to be and/or there was really an easy button?  i need some easy.  i need some give.  i really need to stop all this damn crying.  my nose swells when i cry. 

my mother is super amazing.  she doesn’t know how strong she is and that she is so much like her mother which is funny because i am so much like her.  i am grateful to her and she keeps me from really giving up.  i owe her so much and i just have to be better.  do better.

i saw a lady that lost her husband a couple of weeks ago cry and be comforted by her daughter. everyone around seemed so caught up with the mother that they didn’t think about the daughter. losing your father changes you forever.  it makes you have to create a new normal.  i know that feeling and its tough.  i miss him every day. i would give anything to just hear his voice.  i wish that my daddy was here and that is selfish.  i swear the day that he died a piece of me did too.  it just seems so final well i suppose that it is but it has been almost 3 years.  though it is easier to deal with day to day – it’s the random moments of sadness that consume me.  they throw me off. i miss him.  i wish he was here.  i wish that i could hear his voice and sometimes i just want to talk about it but decide against it and just hold it in and keep it to myself.  how many times can any person hear me go on and on and on about my daddy? i am sure there are people in my life that wouldn’t mind but i am already enough of a burden. anyway i am tired. pardon the ramble.

Random Relationship Thought

I use to wonder how it would feel to be over the thought of us. I was curious to know if over, really had an emotional connection with my being.  The distance of heart use to grow fonder but now is strangely becoming complacently comfortable.  I no longer hear your voice in my spirit expressing your yearning for me and when we reconnect I no longer feel the passion that once upon a time made me exude love.  I suppose this is the beginning of our end.  

No more forever?

Random Relationship Thought...

 

When I thought about being in love I didn’t know it was going to be you.  I didn’t know it was going to feels so good and hurt so bad.  I didn’t realize that there was a beginning and end.  I thought that love was suppose to be forever and that it was only going to grow.  Sure, I expected there to be some rough times sprinkled in there but I felt that our foundation would allow us to endure any and all tribulations. What I thought and believed doesn’t seem as clear as it once was.  My thought of loving you has changed my perception of what is for me to be in love. Maybe just silly me.

Freckles' Thought For This Day...

Once you replace negative thoughts

with positive ones,

you'll start having positive results.

-Willie Nelson

Freckles' Thought For This Day...

Your life is your garden
 and your thoughts are your seeds,
  so if your life isn't awesome
    you've been watering the weeds.

walk on by

Slowly walking past to the beat of my heart that eyes feel me as I glide across your mind like ur favorite tune only because you are watching.

I know, you know that I know you are looking and anticipating my next and every move as the hips swing from left to right in sync with the music that coincides with the beat of your heart pit pat pit

Sweetly awaiting

Awaiting the thought, the thought of satisfaction of me with you in a game of mental gratification along with some physical definition only because the emotions of mind are keeping me upon and you know that I know that I am what you are thinking.

It’s on your mind

Looking at you, looking at me makes me smile glide my tongue across my lips, hot and moist like the wonders of your mind. Pleasures of your soul like once said or even asked, do you dig it?

Is it me on your mind?

I like the way I see you, seeing me, see you diggin me. As I go on and do my thing while looking at you thinking of me all in a thought but instead you let me walk on by