Unloaded: Betrayal of the "best" dude

Betrayal has a way with toying with your psychological process of dealing with people and sometimes takes you out of your character.  It not only hurts but is painful in a way that changes the dynamic of your spirit.  It is the slow uncomfortable screw that tends to linger without hope of pushing through the surface.  There so many questions and not enough answers.  It is the effect without any cause.  It is the lack of logic the taints your emotions.  I have been betrayed and taken for granted in the worse way by a person that I not only loved and cared about but someone that held in high regard as my extended family.  This person has taken my heartfelt love as a weakness and disrespected it in a way that cannot be forgotten at this moment is not forgiven.  Now I need to release these emotions.  They are no longer conducive to my being.  Again, it is a process that it is not taken lightly as this baggage is unloaded.

UNLOADED:  After over 20 years of so called friendship, I will no longer be needing your presence in my life.  I will accept and recognize it all for what it was, a moment in time when I thought that you were a stand up dude.  A dude that was supposed to be the best in all attributes of what was known as friendship.    Once upon a time you were respected and appreciated.  There were times that you were the one that turned to for guidance and/or a listening ear.   I was your secret keeper, voice of reason and even good for a long walk.  There was a time when taking care of the body was important.  There was a time when the heart was real.  There was a time that I never questioned your intentions.  We confided in each other in a way that more family the friend.  There were what I thought were real heart to hearts of aspirations, dreams and desires.  I thought you were better than this and I expected better than this with you.   There were plenty of family events, birthdays, wedding planning and even the tears when I moved to Atlanta.  It all feels like it was a fallacy.

 

We were the dynamic duo for time and even had some deep heart to hearts about what were suppose to be future endeavors. We went through life with a few bumps in the road but found our way back to friendship.  I missed you in that time and found a way to let you back in.  We were family.  Our family was family.  It was suppose to be all good.  We were supposed to be a forever kind of good, so I thought.  Your blatant disrespect for my family is a new all time low for you and I have to admit that I am more than surprised.  I would have never believed that you were such a liar, manipulator and deceiver. I do not know what is going on in your head but I cannot believe that your heart is any good.  Your word means nothing and I just do not understand.  Somewhere you got lost.  The connection drifted and you changed or maybe you didn’t change but became comfortable with your faulty character.  You lost your moral integrity.  You got the game twisted.  You lost the love and the respect and in return there is no respect.

I reached out on more than one occasion expressing how I felt and tried to see if the dude that was my best dude for so many years was still there and nothing came from it.  Even once you claimed to be sorry and that you were going to move forward you did not and have not.  It sucks that this is who you are but most of all it hurts.  My forever friend who would never do anything to hurt me or my family did just that in a major way and has managed to show no remorse once however.  Wow.  I hope that it was worth it.  I hope that you move on with your life and continue to disregard my being.  I no longer wish to know you or your representative.  There is no need to ever have any additional dialogue about anything ever. I am releasing you and all of this unnecessary drama that you have created.  I hope that all recognize you for who you are and avoid any interaction with your bull.  Thank you for showing me who you are. Peace out dude.

Take Off Your Cool (to Him inspired by Outkast: Speakerbox/The Love Below)

Take Off Your Cool – Andre 3000 (OutKast) f. Norah Jones

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Dedicated to Him...

See me, Hear me, Feel me…

This is me transparently displaying more than just action with you in regard.  I wanna know all of you.  Know you in the most intimate of your thoughts, pleasures and desires.   I wanna know you all the way through.  Your concepts, ideas, points of view alongside your ambitions and fears.  With that all in my mind, I deliver me unto you.  Open and fully aware, inhibited, freely showing you all of me in return or even prior to. 

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

See me grow, mature and even make some mistakes that may make you somewhat not pleased.  May be hard to watch but knowing I will get through it.  See me excel in my dreams as they come true one by one.  See my expectation to rejoice together.  See me want to be with you and please you.  See me show you without feeling as there is a need to prove.  See us be great, growing together but still keeping each piece in tact.

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Hear me when I say what I feel and desire whether pain, love or randomness.  Hear my honesty, being me in its entirety (good, fab, not so amusing, desirably sexy, and mildly mannish however it be).  Hear my desire for you and us.  Hear my point of view that may not always agree with yours, though respectable that there is a line at disagree.  Hear my heart speak directly to yours in more than just passion, exhilarating spiritual compassion for what’s within.  Hear the expression of soul to soul with no words audibly spoken though full conversations were heard.  Hear me declare us a team, knowing that I am your advocate and never intentionally your adversary.

Baby, take off your cool

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Baby, don’t be so cool,

I wanna see you, I wanna see you

Feel my femininity as I am sincerely comfortable being a woman.  I love my features and know what works where with this/that and where it all should be.  Feel that I choose to display my features how I choose to which makes me happy to be me.  Feel that I love me enough to love you.  Feel my flaws as they are in existence in tune with the rest of me even when they’re showcase not some of my best moments.  Feel that it is ok to not particularly be fond of those attributes acknowledging that they are mere parts that should not impact heavier than the things that you adore.  Feel me love hard, completely without restriction.  Feel me allow you into my spaces freely and especially. 

Baby, take off your cool because all I want is to know you.

Check Yoself Before You Wreck Yoself

I have been known to be the guys girl.  I have several male friends and always have.  I am cool, laid back, not hard on the eyes (toot toot), love football, fond of the random pointless cuss word and can even toss them back with the best of them.  This was a bit of problem in high school which was often perceived as being more than it was which made girls play on my phone and whisper behind my back.  Now 15 years later I am still comfortable with men and love to be around them. Most of my male/guy friends have been around since high school (circa 1994).  We have grown up, apart and together again in this time.  Several are in relationships, some are married or just involved but point is I know my role in their lives.  I try to be as respectful as possible often introducing myself to their others when possible.  I like to ensure them that I am not that chick and that I know my place.  I do my best to never confuse what our friendship is but do try to be a good friend.  I do not do a bunch of calling, texting or asking for time.  I do randomly check in via text, call and sometimes facebook (if  we are allowed to be friends on the book). 

All of this to say...

I need my friend's girlfriends, wives, baby mommas, main chicks, jump offs, chicks that think that they are #1, cuddle buddies, f-partners, one night stands etc to ALL play their roles and stay in their lanes.  I need them to go to their dude when they believe that they have  a problem.  I need them to stay off my phone, out of my text messages and my fb inbox with the BS.  CHECK YOSELF!  I need these broads to not be grown doing the same mess that was not even ok in high school.  CHECK YOSELF!  I need these so called women to grow up and stop being so insecure that they feel the need to play on the phone and inquire about their male companion.  I need them to realize that all of this keeping track of a man is not worth it and that some women do not feel obligated to play this game of check up. CHECK YOSELF! I do not wish to play this game and I would so sincerely appreciate it if women that are oh so insecure, women that are not  completely involved,, women that are mothers and should be taking care of their children oppose to screening calls/ text messages, forwarding his phone calls to her phone so that they can keep track of all his comings and going, who he is conversing with and why.  Who actually has time for that? CHECK YOSELF! 

You better check yo self before you wreck yo self - I cannot appreciate the foolery and just needed to get this bit off my chest. 

EXamples of He – Not for Me

PART 1

EX 1:  I held you, your thoughts, your feelings, your ambition, your lust and your passion close along with your lack of drive, all of your pride and that sad excuse for love that you had for me.  We went day by day after all those years.  I gave all that I could to you and for you.  I embrace your dreams and your hope and tried to do all I could to uplift you, encourage you and keep you focused on our future.  I am so busy loving and caring and trying to be all for you that I lose track of my own happiness and what I needed.  How long must I set myself aside and possibly miss out on someone that may be for me for the fact that I love you more than it seems that you love yourself. Rhetorical.  Day after day I loved you regardless of you being mine to love.  I love you regardless of what it has cost.  I tried to love you enough to compensate for this world that is so cruel and seems too unfair to you so you said.  I loved until it hurt when I don’t know if you are ok because you are not answering the phone when I called.  Not knowing where you were, if something had happened or if your karma has caught up with you.  I love you until it hurts from worry and tears that wet my pillow where I lay scared that something has happened to you or wondering how I can help you. My tears have filled and now my cup runneth over.  It’s time for a release but I can’t seem to let go.  I love you and it hurts so badly when once upon a time it was so good and it gave me multiples. When fucking you made me feel close and safe and that it was us sharing our love with each other.  Now I can’t seem to release.  Release all the emotions, thoughts feelings that hold me hostage to the possibilities of who I thought you were.  I can’t let go and it hurts so bad. I loved you so much that prayed for you almost more than I prayed for myself as if my salvation was enough for the both of us.  All of this and for what?  I cannot seem to get a return on my investment and now I can’t seem to let go but now I'm leaving.  It hurts as bad as I feel the words of Ms. Hill and it coincides with Jill’s slowly surely. Slowly surely. Slowly surely.  I walk away.  If only you believed in you as I believe in you and you would see yourself worth as I see that loving you has always been worth it even though you have never been mine to love.  I try to love you enough for the both us but it turns out that it is never really enough. Woe is me and I can stand this shit and all I really want you to do is man up but again I love you as you are full of flaws and with too much love for them same streets that keep me up at night worried about you and knowing that you may not even be thinking about me.  How long do I compromise my heart and my happiness for love that only truly exist in my heart alone and leaves me empty all by myself?  The kind of love I do not deserve but hold onto because it’s apart of you and I settled to have a piece of you with no true purpose.  Then one day it all just clicked.  I grew into me and recognized my own worth. 

~LOVE, Curiosity and My Freckled Words...~

Happy Heart Day

The HEART is a very sensitive instrument.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is a vital organ that is synonymous with love.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is more than a metaphor.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is the seat of the soul.  I am THANKFUL that you cannot live without the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART pumps and beats.  I am THANKFUL that the average HEART beats 72 times per minute and it beats over 100,000 times a day.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART beats almost 38 million times a year.

My HEART has been used, abused, adorned, held, embraced, sacrificed, loved, hated, pumped, broken, mended... I have made it through.  With all of that involvement, it still remains hopeful and open to the possibility of LOVE.

I am THANKFUL that I have a HEART to be merciful.  I am THANKFUL that I can have a change of HEART to change your mind.  I am THANKFUL that I can know something by HEART which isn’t phone numbers due to technology making me lazy minded.  I am THANKFUL that I have had my HEART in the right place to help ENCOURAGE people.  I am THANKFUL that being kind has been HEARTfelt.  I am THANKFUL that I can have my HEART set on something such as a life upgrade (Lord, I am ready when You are).  I am THANKFUL that I can WRITE allowing things to flow from my HEART.  I am THANKFUL that I have been able to cry my HEART out because release is important when my HEART has been heavy. 

My HEART is often full. I wear my emotions for all to see even when they don't know me from the next.  My HEART is real deep and runs though all sorts of emotion.  My HEART is ready for LOVE.

                   

I am THANKFUL that HEART heals from HEARTbreak.  I believe that we have all experienced it in one way or another.  We have loved and been broken no matter what the relationship may have been.  We have lost and been broken and we have had all experienced some sort of matter of the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that all matters of the HEART make us stronger and define us to be better people. ~Love, Curiosity and my Freckled Thoughts~

HEART

I have desired a relief for my HEART.  I have desired LOVE and my HEART has been open yet it has not come.  Repeatedly HEARTbreak pays hommage to my being continually uninvited yet ever present. I am THANKFUL.  All my HEART wants is to be free.

The HEART is a very sensitive instrument.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is a vital organ that is synonymous with love.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is more than a metaphor.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is the seat of the soul.  I am THANKFUL that you cannot live without the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART pumps and beats.  I am THANKFUL that the average HEART beats 72 times per minute and it beats over 100,000 times a day.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART beats almost 38 million times a year.

My HEART has been used, abused, adorned, held, embraced, sacrificed, loved, hated, pumped, broken, mended... I have made it through.  With all of that involvement, it still remains hopeful and open to the possibility of LOVE.

I am THANKFUL that I have a HEART to be merciful.  I am THANKFUL that I can have a change of HEART to change your mind.  I am THANKFUL that I can know something by HEART which isn’t phone numbers due to technology making me lazy minded.  I am THANKFUL that I have had my HEART in the right place to help ENCOURAGE people.  I am THANKFUL that being kind has been HEARTfelt.  I am THANKFUL that I can have my HEART set on something such as a life upgrade (Lord, I am ready when You are).  I am THANKFUL that I can WRITE allowing things to flow from my HEART.  I am THANKFUL that I have been able to cry my HEART out because release is important when my HEART has been heavy. 

My HEART is often full. I wear my emotions for all to see even when they don't know me from the next.  My HEART is real deep and runs though all sorts of emotion.  My HEART is ready for LOVE.

I am THANKFUL that HEART heals from HEARTbreak.  I believe that we have all experienced it in one way or another.  We have loved and been broken no matter what the relationship may have been.  We have lost and been broken and we have had all experienced some sort of matter of the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that all matters of the HEART make us stronger and define us to be better people.

Today’s HEART Thought: Many of us have at some time dreamt of owning one of those magic purses that would never be empty. No matter how much money we would draw from it, it would remain full! As it turns out, we already have such a contraption in us and this one's worth a lot more than a trillion enchanted wallets. Our HEART can love 24-hours a day without ever running empty. As a matter of fact, the more love we pass to others, the more love we'll have!

Author Unknown

But Greatly Appreciated!

 HAPPY HEART WEEK!!!

Final Post of 2012: Flowing from my heart

Novemebr and December have been a challenging month.  It has been a rollercoaster of emotions that have impacted so many that I care about. 

My friend's wife lost her father all of a sudden.  He hadn't been sick.  I reached out to her with my Peace and Comfort post.  I always feel lead to be there for people who lose a father as I know what it is like.  I do not take away from anyone who has lost someone but I the lost of a father seems to really impact a girl/woman.  Then another friend lost her father/daddy.  She had mentioned in October that he had a stroke but last I had heard he was rehabbing and doing well.  Our mutual friend text me saying the funeral was Monday and I was like what... *blankstare at text message* We agreed we would go and be there for her.  She was surprised to see us and it was good to be there for her.  Her father was in the army so they saluted him and folded the flag presenting it to her mother.  I have to say that in that moment as the folded the flag something came over me.  I began to ger really warm and I could feel me go into the moment when my daddy's flag was being folded for meme very emotional.  I turned my head and fanned uncontrolably.  It has been almost 3 years since my daddy died and I didnt know that this was going to impact me as it did.  I have had a good few months (moments but no down pour of tears).  I tried to get it together as this was not about me. My friend that was sitting next to me asked me if I was ok and and began to console me and I begged her not to rub me.  There is something about rubbing that makes the tears flow and again this was not about me.  After the funeral, she came over to me and thanked me for being there.  We went to the repass and we chatted.  I told her to call me if she ever needed to talk.  My heart was full and I shared some things with her.  She seemed appreciative.  I check on her often.  I knew the holidays were going to be hard.

My grandmother's best friend of over 50 years passed after 2 year health battle.  It was sort of sudden since we all believed she was getting better.  My grandmother has taken it kind of hard.  She will be 80 in February (God willing) and this was one of her last close friends to pass.  In my mind I know my grandmother will not be here forever and I know that I am so blessed to still have her.  She is fairly healthy though this year has been rather turbulent with her health but honestly it is more mental with her.  I think that she kind of feels alone.  I am so glad to see my mother really be there for her without taking away her independance.  It is awesome and it really makes my grandmother feel good.  I am so proud of my mother.  My grandmother has lost so many people in her lifetime.  I often cannot believe how strong she presents herself to the world.  She keeps so much toherself.  She is a very private person which we as her family respects.  I hope she will open up more.

One year ago today, My dad's mother (grandmother) died.  She had been on dialysis for over 10 years and battled chemo two times around.  She was tired and I recall our last conversation.  It felt final and I made sure that she knew how I felt unlike when my dad died.   I woke up this morning wanting to call her.  I caught myself and smiled.  I was truly felt at peace.

Our Christmas was amazing.  We went to church at 8 am for our testimony service which was awesome.  We had a good turn out.  I am often amazed that with a church on almost every corner in Los Angeles so many of them are not open on Christmas.  Our service is about an hour and half with refreshments and fellowship following.  Of course I said a little something.  I was even spoke of.  In my Christmas cards to my church family I wrote some personal notes. One of my favs acknowledged that in her testimony which was nice.  She is always encouraging me and sharing little somethings with me.  She sometimes calls me just to say hey lil sis I am thinking about you.  Have a good day.  I am thankful for that.  I cooked non traditional dinner (turkey and spinach lazagna which was delicious with garlic bread).  My mother made some hot mulled cider (tasty).  My sister, brother-in-law and kids came over and after we exchanged gifts, we played games the rest of the evening.  Good times with my family.  We do not spend this kind of time together enough but in the new year we are hoping to make it a weekly event.

Today (NYE), I went to work and ironically enough the people were super nice.  There is something special about NYE that makes people just be nice.  Which was very refreshing since the holiday season was uhm... uhm... well let's just say that I am glad that survived it and that I am still employed - THANK YOU LORD.

In this year, I have strayed as a friend a bit.  I know it is not always easy to be my friend.  I am grateful that they understand.  I am going to be better.  I have accepted that some relationship/friendships have concluded which is somewhat tough but it is what it is.  It is true what they say that some people are in your life for a reason and/or a season.  Hopefully there are some lessons learned and growth experienced.  However my door and spirit remains open.

There were some wonderful post written, read and encouraged.  The still so many thing that have remained unsaid and I am ready to birth their existence.  I am have realized that I write for me and for many of you (that actually read and/or write).  I like the conversations and thoughts shared.  I appreciate all points of view.  I hope that there will be more shared next year.  I am anticipating wonderful things in the new year.  I am optimistic like never before.  I am hopeful and full of warm fuzzy feelings.  I am open and ready to receive all that is due me.  I am ready to create new. I am grateful for this outlet to share the things that flow from my heart.

NYE POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS:

Keep Your Hands Open.  You cant receive if your hands arent open.

Whatever your past is, your future is spotless. (thanks VR)

Yall Be SAFE and Write Ya NEXT YEAR.

See you in 2013

Day 13: I am THANKFUL for the HEART (late edition)

The HEART is a very sensitive instrument.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is a vital organ that is synonymous with love.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is more than a metaphor.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART is the seat of the soul.  I am THANKFUL that you cannot live without the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART pumps and beats.  I am THANKFUL that the average HEART beats 72 times per minute and it beats over 100,000 times a day.  I am THANKFUL that the HEART beats almost 38 million times a year. 

I am THANKFUL that I have a HEART to be merciful.  I am THANKFUL that I can have a change of HEART to change your mind.  I am THANKFUL that I can know something by HEART which isn’t phone numbers due to technology making me lazy minded.  I am THANKFUL that I have had my HEART in the right place to help ENCOURAGE people.  I am THANKFUL that being kind has been HEARTfelt.  I am THANKFUL that I can have my HEART set on something such a life upgrade (Lord, I am ready when You are).  I am THANKFUL that I can WRITE allowing things to flow from my HEART.  I am THANKFUL that I have been able to cry my HEART out because release is important when my HEART has been heavy. 

I am THANKFUL that HEART heals from HEARTbreak.  I believe that we have all experienced it in one way or another.  We have loved and been broken no matter what the relationship may have been.  We have lost and been broken and we have had all experienced some sort of matter of the HEART.  I am THANKFUL that all matters of the HEART make us stronger and define us to be better people.

Today’s HEART Thought: Many of us have at some time dreamt of owning one of those magic purses that would never be empty. No matter how much money we would draw from it, it would remain full! As it turns out, we already have such a contraption in us and this one's worth a lot more than a trillion enchanted wallets. Our HEART can love 24-hours a day without ever running empty. As a matter of fact, the more love we pass to others, the more love we'll have!

Author Unknown

But Greatly Appreciated!

 

 

Daddy, My First Love (part 2)

One of the great things about a blog challenge is that it makes you think about things that you may not really write about otherwise.  It holds you accountable.  I like to have a group doing the challenge so that I can stay inspired.  It amazing how someone’s words can make you feel.  To be able to receive confirmation that others are going through things in their lives to aspire their own growth.  Today’s challenge was simple to me.  A blogger that I know personally is doing the challenge and he inquired as to how much I was I going to share.  I replied that I was going to keep it simple.  After further review of today’s challenge I am going to further elaborate upon my first love.

I haven’t written much about my daddy lately but he hasn’t been further from my thoughts.  He is always in my thoughts.  I think of him every time I look in the mirror.  I look so much like him as I get older or just see him in me more.  There are moments when I just look into the mirror for him.    I can sometimes feel him.  It’s kind of ironic, seemingly so that I cannot hear his voice.  I yearn to hear him.  I search through my memory rolodex for his voice clearly to hear it and I am often devastated when I can hear him.  I can’t reach the point that I can hear him but I know what was said but not in his tone.  That’s scary to me.  It makes me sad and it brings me into mourning again.  I just want to hear him say something. Anything.  Especially when there are things going on in my head that I need help conveying into words.  My daddy was a writer.  He wrote lyrics and produced music.  He had a genius way with words.  I just wish that I could hear him again.  One of the most special things about conversations with my dad was that he listened and very rarely gave me actual advice.  He had a way about him that made me think for myself and understand my concrete point of view.  He inquired to all the specifics, my feelings (my emotional point of view) and the facts (pros vs. the cons).  He made me figure my own way most times.  He never really told me his expectations of me which leaves me wanting it now.  He never really shared his plan for me from his point of view.  My mother is different in that aspect but not in a bad way.  Mainly, she is not my daddy.  I was daddy’s girl.  I love him and that is never past tense.  He was my first real love.  The man that I lightweight compare all men to.  Not just his purely wonderful qualities but some of his not pleasant attributes as well.  I examine these things as such that I care not to deal with. When you truly love a person you love them in their entirety.  The love I have for him is that way and unconditional. 

Everyone has flaws and there is not perfect being outside of God.  We are all constant works in progress always aspiring to be better.  We all go through things that make us feel, learn and hopefully grow.  We each deal with life’s happenings in different ways.  It’s the part of each being an individual.  Love is one of those things that just sort of happen and makes you feel all sorts of things.  So I am thankful to writing and those that write and keep me inspired, encouraged and accountable.  Thank you.  Thank you to Daddy Freckles for the love that just keeps on giving.

Rest In Paradise Brothers and Sisters

Random Relationship Thought...

 

When I thought about being in love I didn’t know it was going to be you.  I didn’t know it was going to feels so good and hurt so bad.  I didn’t realize that there was a beginning and end.  I thought that love was suppose to be forever and that it was only going to grow.  Sure, I expected there to be some rough times sprinkled in there but I felt that our foundation would allow us to endure any and all tribulations. What I thought and believed doesn’t seem as clear as it once was.  My thought of loving you has changed my perception of what is for me to be in love. Maybe just silly me.

Freckles' Thought For This Day...

It is easy to love the people far away.

It is not always easy to love those close to us.

It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home.

Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.

Flowing Kindness in Secret

I ran across this story in one of my daily devotionals. Thought that it was so wonderful that I just had to share. Imagine how wonderful the world would be if we got out of our own ways and paid it forward.

LATE one evening while studying at the seminary library, I overheard a conversation at a table near mine. The mother of one of the students was ill. He wanted to go home to visit her but could not afford to lose the money he would have earned at his part-time job. I was touched by the story and so, quietly, I found out the student's name. Quite sure that he did not know me, I looked forward to a chance to do something good in secret.

That afternoon I cashed a check for the amount he had mentioned and folded the money in a piece of paper with these words typed on it: "Go see your mother. Love, Jesus." The money and the letter went in an envelope that I placed in the student's campus mailbox. It felt good to know that perhaps I had made a difference in the life of the son and his mother.

An endless stream of kindness could flow from each of us to make the world around us a gentler place. Someday when I am in need, the Lord who has seen what I have done in secret may reward me with just what I need, given by a perfect stranger.

Anonymous

Scripture says: When you help a needy person, do it in such a way that even your closest friend will not know about it. Then it will be a private matter. And your Father, who sees what you do in private, will reward you. --- Matthew 6:34

Far too often do you hear people state what they did and who they did it for. They want accolades and attention. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with either but sometimes the deed goes unnoticed or becomes insincere. I am sometimes guilty of this too. I do not take into consideration that it's not that I did the deed but more so about the deed itself. When I take away from the deed by boastfully sharing, I take away from the blessing a bit. Then there are those that do something because of what they will receive in return. This is almost worst than being boastful. We should not do things for recognition; we should do them because it is the right thing to do to make someone else better. It may just make you feel wonderful.

After my father died, I lost my job and I was working a couple of part time jobs. I was thankful to be a part of church family that was very compassionate. I received a number of cards from people that I didn't know sharing their love and sympathy. When things got tough my church was helpful. My Pastor at the time called and text me every day for 3 weeks checking on my well being. When I finally decided to move back to Los Angeles, I wrote my pastor a letter sharing that I would be moving back home and provided him with all of my contact information. When he saw me on my final Sunday, he asked if he could share with the congregation that I was moving and of course I obliged. When the time came, he asked me to come up to the pulpit and told the church my situation. Of course many people did not know several of the particulars of the situation but they all seemed to care and prayed for me. When I got back to my seat I received an envelope that said God Bless Sister and I will be praying for you with no name. It was sent by an usher and inside was $100. There was no name and no one to say thank you to but I recall being so grateful. Grateful that God had put it on someone's heart to bless me. That anonymous angel did something nice for me in secret and trusted that God would reward their compassion. I still have that envelope, it still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I am still ever so grateful.

Here is a little HOPE and TRUST for someone.

i miss my daddy

it has been a moment since I have said anything about him.  I kind of keep it to myself. for a while that seemed to be all that I had to talk about.  i miss him.  I miss him alot.  I am just having a moment and needed to go ahead and get it out so why not share it here with all of you.  this blog is personal and it makes me feel close to him.  He was a writer.  very talented and I have heard from my family that

I am so much like him. 

it is funny that the older that I get the more of him I see in me.  I sometimes stare at me in the mirror to see him.  I am looking more and more like him everyday.  every freckle reminds me of him. 

I love him and miss him so much. 

I generally try not to give into these moments often but tonight... 

tonight I read a blog by a friend and

he spoke of quality time with his child and

BOOM!

waterworks.

greif flowing rapidly down my face.

I yearn for quality time with him and I know I can have it but its not the same.  I want to hear his voice and I need his advice.  there have been so many things going on and He use to be great to talk to.  Daddy's generally dont want to about boy/men problems but my daddy always wanted me to talk to him about men in my life.  with the recent developments, I want to talk to him and I know that I can but I need to hear him back.  He listened and gave great advice.  I want Him to hold me like He use to and love on me.  I need to hear his voice.  I miss him so much right now.

next week will be my first father's day without him and next month will be 1 year that he has been gone.  honestly it has gotten a bit more peaceful.  I am notcrying everyday anymore but I am more aware that He is gone and never coming back.  I get it. I swear but I have these moments when I imagine Him coming through a door or just being there.  I know its my imagination or moreso my heart connecting with His spirit.

I have another friend that I love dearly who recently lost his mother.  my heart immediately broke for him.  I know how it feels to lose a parent.  It brought me back to the moment when I found out that my daddy had died.  I will never forget that moment and I can feel the pain as if I was in that moment. I sincerely try not to give into that moment. it gets to be a bit much. I want to hear his voice.  my mom says that she has some videos but I am not sure if I am ready for that.  it may be a good thing. 

I just know that I feel fatherless right now and its a very uncomfortable feeling.  

 I miss him and this was just a moment.

this too shall pass.