LA inspired Respiration

[Mos Def and crew]
So much on my mind I just can't recline
Blastin holes in the night til she bled sunshine
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline
Yo how the bass ride out like an ancient mating call
I can't take it y'all, I can feel the city breathing
Chest heavin, against the flesh of the evening
Kiss the Ide's goodbye, I'm on the last train leaving

So much on my mind I just can't recline

From where I sit, I look over the hood and so much as changed.  People have changed, the feel has changed the integrity is no longer valid.  Once upon a time there was some sort of love for the hood but now it has dwindled down.  It’s not all for the better but not all for the worse.  I see planes fly across smoggy skies but on a clear day my downtown is visual.  The ghetto bird hovers most nights bringing attention to the overrated element of who’s hood is it with territories marked on sidewalks, walls, buildings, peoples garage doors and even sometimes the church.  Yes, the blatant disrespect is prevalent.  I remember a time when passing cars would turn down the music when passing a church during service.  A time when marking territory didn’t include the dwellings of God’s temples in the hood but as I stated the hood has changed.  This was a time when there was some sort of respect and someone’s house, church or neighborhood businesses were not marked by individuals claiming territory that is not necessarily theirs to claim.  When folks in the hood weren’t held captive by bars to feel safe in a place of the American dream was consumed by unemployment and foreclosures in spite of red/blue claims that don’t really belong to them without no real pride or care for the hood.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

Once upon a time Parks Market was on 92^nd and Western.  Their store

sat right off the corner as extended family watching the kids grow up and create a place that was constant and ever present force for generations.  They loved, knew neighbors by name and even employed the hood.  The Parks were the corner fresh meat and even fried fish market always open and generally available.  Now as I sit back and look over that off the corner lot all that is left is a piece of the foundation  to the building the held Mr. and Mrs. Parks for so long and was so positive.  Their place of hope lost.  The hope to rebuild didn’t give fuel to their desire.  Now a Dollar Tree but not of the growing family friendly kind.  It is just an existing presence.  All that exist is the liquor store across that makes money supplying some drunken tangents in a parking lot housing used condoms from the strawberries of the night.  The devastation with conflict of mind and giving up on all that could have been.  I see folks living for their work along with their dealing and scheming.  We all have a story but it’s just said to see my people doped up, cracked in and strung out.  Their heavily medicated souls estranged from their minds.  I look over it and across it all and my soul is disturbed.  It’s just sad seeing the hood not live to its potential.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

In the city of angels where we tend to bleed purple and gold supporting our hometown boys doesn’t keep the dope boys constantly stand watch shaking hands and staring at girls no yet old enough to understand the functions of their temple yet they speak of sharing it with each other and almost any other.  They don’t want to hold onto their innocence in hopes of growing up quick and having matchless materials or attention from what they may or may not have had.  There is now a time where sex is too often taken for granted and not so much into the pleasure.  All for more attention and even more attention confusing lust for love the some smoking and snorting to escape the reality.  The reality of babies having babies, some misusing their babies for the next high due to strung heads wandering dark sheets seeking the next hit of whatever, however with whomever only discovering forever lost innocence.  Yet the go along with their stories untold with ass cheeks hanging in site attempting to attract their next dollar but its mumbled across the hood yet there is no help or encouragement given. No love, little hope and just simply trying to make it. Damn the hood has changed or has it only just become more visible as it was all done in the dark and has all come to light.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

The large span of land surrounded by water divided by so many cities and so many ethnic groups. My hood was once white when my grandparents bought their home and then it when my mother graduated from high school in the same hood it grew very black and now as I have grown up, moved away and came back it has become more brown.  The complexions vary but the hood is still changing.  The crime is black on black and brown on brown and sometimes conflicts to black and brown.  My hood has a church on almost every other corner yet there is a need for more than a little prayer.  The overrated affiliates prey over their red and blue in my black and brown hood with no real care for the hood we all share.  Breathe in the hope that they will see the banging is not a true way of life and keepin it real will make you casualty of abnormal normality.  It won’t continue to be a place where what set you’re from won’t conclude with life taken.  Just to leave the hood to go to another is along the 405, 110, 105 and it’s simple to hop on the 207, 105, and 550 to just get away. No matter the situation there is always sunshine and gloom in the same moment.  The sky is clear and it may be a beautiful day but it never dismisses the things that go on in the hardly ever quiet hood but like Cube stated you always look forward to the opportunity to say today was a good day.

Skyscrapers is colossus, the cost of living
is preposterous, stay alive, you play or die, no options
No Batman and Robin, can't tell between
the cops and the robbers, they both partners, they all heartless
With no conscience, back streets stay darkened
Where unbeliever hearts stay hardened

Mos Def

Not knowing the ways'll get you capped like an NBA salary
Some cats be emceeing to illustrate what we be seeing
Hard to be a spiritual being when shit is shakin what you believe in
Talib Kweli

Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

May 6: Pet Peeves

Pet Peeves: (in no particular order)

Ø  Inconsistent people

Ø  Inconsideration for one’s time or feelings

Ø  Folks that straddle the fence. Either it is or it isn’t.  It can’t really both nor can you have both.

Ø  Multiple personalities

Ø  People that feel it is ok to pop up with out and preface

Ø  Heels that need taps. I hate the sound of nail scraping up against the concrete.  Just take them to get repaired or don’t wear them

Ø  Having an itch that you can’t scratch

Ø  Speaking out of your neck instead of your head.  Think about your statement before you speak it.  Once it’s said… Mean what you say when you say it.

Ø  When people call you and then do not answer when you call them right back.

Ø  When things are not urgent and I am rushed.

Ø  When people generalize me into a category before they know me.

Ø  Helpful people aren’t helpful. Do not say it as if you only mean it. Don’t offer assistance if it’s conditional.

Ø  People that do not respect customer service people.  I know some folks that work customer service are not always the happiest of people but some that responsibility is on the customer.  Some hold the cliché to heart.  The customer is not always right.  Just because you feel like you are paying for a service does not give you a free pass to talk crazy, belittle or even pass out threats.

Ø  I hate to see children on leashes.  It doesn’t impact me directly but I do not like to see it.

Ø  Incorrect uses of THEIR/THEY’RE/THERE, ACCEPT/EXCEPT, SPECIFIC AND PACIFIC – these are two completely words.  Btw, CONVERSATE is not a word and the correct usage is CONVERSE but some of yall are going to say the latter than the correct anyhow but it’s one my pet peeves.

Random Relationship Thought

I use to wonder how it would feel to be over the thought of us. I was curious to know if over, really had an emotional connection with my being.  The distance of heart use to grow fonder but now is strangely becoming complacently comfortable.  I no longer hear your voice in my spirit expressing your yearning for me and when we reconnect I no longer feel the passion that once upon a time made me exude love.  I suppose this is the beginning of our end.  

No more forever?

30 Day Blog Challenge Day #18: Something I Crave

Something I Crave

2 years ago my daddy died.  A week after we buried him, I lost my job.  I picked up part time jobs and worked out all the time to hold it together.  That is the year that I turned 30 but it did not seem to happy.  6 months after that I moved back to Los Angeles from Atlanta.  My mother said that I needed to deal with everything and get myself back together.  Thankful for my mother.  My heart has been broken yet to mend but the days have gotten easier.  I do not cry everyday anymore but when I do cry... Some days are just better than others.  Once back in LA, I worked a plethora of temp jobs while going to countless interviews with no avail.  Then I did not work for 6 months.  Nothing.  Not working and being alone will play on your psyche.  I ended up getting a permanent part time job which I am grateful to have but it is not ideal.  The struggle is a little different.  However the light is now flickering.  My living situation has changed and its for the best but now I lack space but its for the best.  New Year's Eve my paternal grandmother died.  In that instant I felt that heartbreak again.  My chest hurts and the pain lingers.  I was unable to attend due to my finances but I was able to go half on my sister's ticket which was the brighter side.  right?  I am glad that I spoke to her and she knew that I loved her.  She told me how much she loved me too.  I didnt know then but now I see it was the final goodbye.  I wish that I would have been able to speak to my daddy and tell him that I love him ( amongst other things).  I wish there was some sort of goodbye.  I hold some guilt (which use to be alot of guilt) with my grief that I sometimes dont let me off the hook for.  There are moments when I feel more than inadequate if there is such a thing.  I am not utilizing my potential.  I am not where I figure that I am suppose to be in my life - well more so where I want to be since apparently this is my plan.  My emotions are up and down and I sometimes feel the need to pull away from those that love me most. I know there has got to be light at the end but as of now its just flickering. Of course there are people that are going through a lot more and have a lot less but sometimes I cant care about them because I am only thinking about me.  (kind of ugly and selfish, huh?) Sometimes in reflection I wonder what God really has in store for me and what it is that He wants me to learn.  Ive been in this holding pattern for a long time and yet in still I am still blessed. (thankful)  I sometimes I am not able to be thankful that He chose me to go through this all right now bute in the large scope of things I am.   sometimes dont know what to pray for so I just thank Him.  My HOPE gives me FAITH that all shall come pass. Learning to PATIENT though sometimes I feel like I am failing.  Honestly right now all I crave is PEACE.





Tag, Now Im it…

Well… Starrla tagged me so here we go.

Rules:

1.   You must post 11 random things yourself.
2.   Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
3.   Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

4.   Go to their blog and tell them that you've tagged them.

Let's get started!

MY 11 RANDOM THINGS

1.      I always notice new freckles on my face.

2.      I love hard

3.      I am obsessed with bright colors (this season of fashion is in my favor)

4.      Bartender is one of my professions

5.      I hella love mascara

6.      I prefer men to have facial hair

7.      I don’t like to polish my finger nails because I feel like they sweat

8.      I enjoy watching South Park and Family Guy

9.      I enjoy eating pancakes at all hours of the day especially at night when I need something sweet.

10.  I generally like to get “designer” coffee from TJ Maxx, Marshalls or Ross

11.I’m crafty (I make earrings, pillows and love any sort of picture)

Questions from Starrla…

1. What inspires you?  Soul Music and love of course

2. What is your earliest childhood memory?  When I was 3 my parents came home with a baby one day and I thought it was pretty cool though I do not recall my mother being pregnant to this day.

3. What is your favorite thing to cook/eat?  I love to cook and I make an awesome pot of greens and I love to eat fries.

4. What's the name of your favorite book?  Coffee Will Make You Black

5. Do you remember your first love?  Yeah and that is sort of that.

6. What is your dream job?  I would love to be fashion stylist and considering pursuing it.

7. Do you have any phobias?  Elevators (getting stuck)

8. If you had to lose one of your five senses, which one would it be? Uhm… well... If I have to choose 1, I am going to have to say sight - I would like to believe that I would be able to have a better undertanding of words if I could hear them better with my eyes closed (lol)

9. Are you left handed or right handed? RIGHT

10. Do you have any hidden talent? Uhm…

11. If you won $500,000 what would you do with it? Pay off my student loans and any current debt, buy a car and 5 pairs of awesome shoes, stocks & savings.

My Freckled Questions…

1.     What’s your favorite cereal?

2.    How was your first kiss?

3.    What is one of your guilty pressure?

4.    What is your favorite song?

5.    Who’s your Celebrity Crush?

6.    What is one thing that you fear?

7.    What inspires you to write?

8.    What is something that you want to write about and havent?

9.    What are you tempted by most?

10.Television or Radio, what’s your preference?

11.What’s your favorite Ice cream?

TAG NOW YOURE IT ( I dont have 11 but these I actually read that Starrla hadnt already tagged)

sweetinsanityandsarcasm.blogspot.com

http://msjstar1275.blogspot.com/

speakwritelove.wordpress.com

www.loving-mahogany.com

ioncesawforever.blogspot.com

www.unscriptedmusings.com

www.ifcurvescouldtalk.com


 

Freckles Thought for THIS Day... Uncertain Times

Freckles' Thought for This Day...

We are all going through something in one form or another. Who am I to say that my situation is worst than yours or is harder. That is just not fair. I have noticed that while going through things people like to say it could always be worst. However what happens when I'm at my worst? What Now? I read this and was immediately convicted. I have been in a woe is me more than a few times not concerned about what the next person or a person across the country may be feeling or dealing with. I am reminded that my faith is sufficient and that there are always angels of mercy around me praying for me or just simply helping me. How awesome is that to just be thought of? So even if you faith is weak or you are not quote a believer, I hope that you take something from this or at least know that you are not the only one going through.

 Be Encouraged Today!!!

WE live in uncertain times. Both the news and our personal situations may fill us with anxiety. Recently while I was recovering from back surgery and the complications of an infection, my company eliminated my job. I wondered how is my family going to survive until I get a new job. What will happen to our plans for the future?

My mother and many friends reminded me that I was on their prayer circle's list of concerns and that God hears the prayers of the righteous, those who want to be close to God and try to live their life accordingly. People I did not even know were praying for me.

I began to see that God's blessings were flowing to me through many people, some I never would have imagined. A friend reminded me that God created all things good. God continues to create, and all things will be good again. Each time uncertainty creeps in; I remind myself that God is all-loving, all-powerful, and all-knowing. God is ever present at the potter's wheel, using our good times and bad to mold us into the people God wants us to be.

Mark H. Anderson (Pennsylvania, USA)

Prayer: In you, O God of hope and joy, all things came into being, including each of us. Help us to be mindful of your presence and to walk with you in hope and faith, seeking your will, not our own. Amen.

Freckles Thought For This Day...

There are many fine things which you mean to do some day, under what you think will be more favorable circumstances. But the only time that is surely yours is the present, hence this is the time to speak the word of appreciation and sympathy, to do the generous deed, to forgive the fault of a thoughtful friend, to sacrifice self a little more for others. Today is the day in which to express your noblest qualities of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing which you have long postponed, and to use your God-given abilities for the enrichment of some less fortunate fellow traveler.

Grenville Kleiser, 1868-1953

My Respiration

So much on my mind I just can't recline

From where I sit, I look over the hood and so much as changed. People have changed, the feel has changed and the integrity is no longer valid. Once upon a time there was some sort of love for the hood but now it has dwindled down. It's not all for the better but not all for the worse. I see planes fly across smoggy skies but on a clear day my downtown is visually shines. The ghetto bird hovers most nights bringing attention to the overrated element of who's hood is it with territories marked on sidewalks, walls, buildings, garage doors and even sometimes the church. Yes, the blatant disrespect is prevalent. I remember a time when passing cars would turn down the music when passing a church especially during service. A time when marking territory didn't include the dwellings of God's temples in the hood but as I stated the hood has changed. This was a time when there was some sort of respect and someone's house, church or neighborhood business was not marked by individuals claiming territory that is not necessarily theirs to claim. When folks in the hood weren't held captive by bars to feel safe in a place of the "American Dream" which is now consumed by unemployment and foreclosures in spite of red/blue claims that don't really belong to them without no real pride or care for the hood.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

Once upon a time Parks was on 92^nd and Western. Their store sat right off the corner as extended family watching kids grow up and create a place that was constant and ever present force for generations. They loved, knew all the neighbors by name and even employed the hood. The Parks were there as the aaccessible corner, fresh meat and even fried fish market always open and generally available. Now as I sit back and look over that off the corner lot all that is left is a piece of the foundation to the building that held Mr. and Mrs. Parks for so long and was so positive. Their place of hope lost. The hope to rebuild didn't give fuel to their desire. All that exist is the liquor store across the street that makes money supplying some drunken tangents in a parking lot housing used condoms from the strawberries of the night. The devastation with conflict of mind and giving up on all that could have been. I see folks living for their work along with their dealing and scheming. We all have a story but it's just sad to see my people doped up, cracked in and strung out. Their heavily medicated souls estranged from their minds. I look over it and across it all and my soul is disturbed. It's just sad seeing the hood not live to its potential.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

In the city of angels where we tend to bleed purple and gold supporting our hometown boys doesn't keep the dope boys constantly standing watch shaking hands and staring at girls not yet old enough to understand the functions of their temple yet they speak of sharing it with each other and almost any other. They don't want to hold onto their innocence in hopes of growing up quick and having matchless materials or attention from what they may or may not have had at home. There is now a time where sex is too often taken for granted and not so much into the pleasure. All for more attention and even more attention confusing lust for love. Some smoking and snorting to escape the reality. The reality of babies having babies, some misusing their babies for the next high due to strung heads wandering dark sheets seeking the next hit of whatever, however with whomever only discovering forever lost innocence. Yet the go along with their stories untold with ass cheeks hanging in site attempting to attract their next dollar but its mumbled across the hood yet there is no help or encouragement given. No love, little hope and just simply trying to make it. Damn the hood has changed or has it only just become more visible as it was all done in the dark and has all come to light.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

The large span of land surrounded by water divided by so many cities and so many ethnic groups. My hood was once white when my grandparents bought their home and then when my mother graduated from high school in the same hood it grew very black and now as I have grown up, moved away and came back it has become more brown. The complexions vary but the hood is still changing. The crime is black on black and brown on brown and sometimes conflicts to black and brown. My hood has a church on almost every other corner yet there is a need for more than a little prayer. The overrated affiliates prey over their red and blue in my black and brown hood with no real care for the hood we all share. Breathe in, the hope that they will see the banging is not a true way of life and keepin it real will make you casualty of abnormal normality. It won't continue to be a place where what set you're from won't conclude with life taken. Just to leave the hood to go to another is along the 405, 110, 105 and it's simple to hop on the 207, 105, and 550 to just get away. No matter the situation there is always sunshine and gloom in the same moment. The sky is clear and it may be a beautiful day but it never dismisses the things that go on in the hardly ever quiet hood but like Cube stated you always look forward to the opportunity to say today was a good day.

Skyscrapers is colossus, the cost of living
is preposterous, stay alive, you play or die, no options
No Batman and Robin, can't tell between
the cops and the robbers, they both partners, they all heartless
With no conscience, back streets stay darkened
Where unbeliever hearts stay hardened

Mos Def (Respiration)

Not knowing the ways'll get you capped like an NBA salary
Some cats be emceeing to illustrate what we be seeing
Hard to be a spiritual being when shit is shakin what you believe inTalib Kweli (Respiration)

It's deep, I heard the city breathe in its sleep
Of reality I touch, but for me it's hard to keep
Deep, I heard my man breathe in his sleep
Of reality I touch, but for me it's hard to keep
Common (Respiration)

Flowing Kindness in Secret

I ran across this story in one of my daily devotionals. Thought that it was so wonderful that I just had to share. Imagine how wonderful the world would be if we got out of our own ways and paid it forward.

LATE one evening while studying at the seminary library, I overheard a conversation at a table near mine. The mother of one of the students was ill. He wanted to go home to visit her but could not afford to lose the money he would have earned at his part-time job. I was touched by the story and so, quietly, I found out the student's name. Quite sure that he did not know me, I looked forward to a chance to do something good in secret.

That afternoon I cashed a check for the amount he had mentioned and folded the money in a piece of paper with these words typed on it: "Go see your mother. Love, Jesus." The money and the letter went in an envelope that I placed in the student's campus mailbox. It felt good to know that perhaps I had made a difference in the life of the son and his mother.

An endless stream of kindness could flow from each of us to make the world around us a gentler place. Someday when I am in need, the Lord who has seen what I have done in secret may reward me with just what I need, given by a perfect stranger.

Anonymous

Scripture says: When you help a needy person, do it in such a way that even your closest friend will not know about it. Then it will be a private matter. And your Father, who sees what you do in private, will reward you. --- Matthew 6:34

Far too often do you hear people state what they did and who they did it for. They want accolades and attention. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with either but sometimes the deed goes unnoticed or becomes insincere. I am sometimes guilty of this too. I do not take into consideration that it's not that I did the deed but more so about the deed itself. When I take away from the deed by boastfully sharing, I take away from the blessing a bit. Then there are those that do something because of what they will receive in return. This is almost worst than being boastful. We should not do things for recognition; we should do them because it is the right thing to do to make someone else better. It may just make you feel wonderful.

After my father died, I lost my job and I was working a couple of part time jobs. I was thankful to be a part of church family that was very compassionate. I received a number of cards from people that I didn't know sharing their love and sympathy. When things got tough my church was helpful. My Pastor at the time called and text me every day for 3 weeks checking on my well being. When I finally decided to move back to Los Angeles, I wrote my pastor a letter sharing that I would be moving back home and provided him with all of my contact information. When he saw me on my final Sunday, he asked if he could share with the congregation that I was moving and of course I obliged. When the time came, he asked me to come up to the pulpit and told the church my situation. Of course many people did not know several of the particulars of the situation but they all seemed to care and prayed for me. When I got back to my seat I received an envelope that said God Bless Sister and I will be praying for you with no name. It was sent by an usher and inside was $100. There was no name and no one to say thank you to but I recall being so grateful. Grateful that God had put it on someone's heart to bless me. That anonymous angel did something nice for me in secret and trusted that God would reward their compassion. I still have that envelope, it still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I am still ever so grateful.

Here is a little HOPE and TRUST for someone.

QOTD: Mistakes...

Mistakes are part of life, everyone makes them, everyone regrets them. But, some learn from them and some end up making them again. It's up to you to decide if you'll use your mistakes to your advantage just a thought...

Not the Mama, Not the Mama!

Every little girl doesn’t grow up wanting to be a mother. While some little girls play with dolls and kitchen sets others play with cars and climb trees. Some grow up seeking adventure, designer suits and corporate jobs while traveling the world while others prefer to be soccer moms and staying home raising their children. Either way, it’s their prerogative. Some women love kids but don’t desire to have any of their own. Not to mention you don’t have to have a baby to be a mother (mother figure). Giving birth and having the responsibility of motherhood doesn’t make you more of a woman than one that decides not to. I am one of those girls that not only had my fair share of cabbage patch kids, Barbie’s, legos, hot wheels, skateboards, sports and now designer shoes, dresses, makeup, always ready to pack up onto my next adventure and I do not desire to be a mother.

I am constantly asked, “So, when are you going to have a baby?” or “why don’t you have any kids?” When I respond I do not plan on it some people tend to get instantly offended or defensive. **blank stare** Then the convincing begins as if I am being sold something. I don’t have any children and I do not aspire to have a baby though I would like to be married one day. I would marry a man with children and I believe that I could be a good step mother but that is a totally different situation that may not be as easy as having my own. It’s not like I do not like kids, I just do not want to do that. I do not have that aspiration and that so called clock is not ticking until forever. Not to mention, I enjoy being the most awesomest auntie (TT) ever!!!

Please let me further explain…

My younger sister has wanted to be a wife and mother since she was a teenager. She knew that is what she wanted and aspire to be such. When she met the man that was her forever, they conversed and planned their family. They now have 2 very gorgeous kids (a boy 6 and a girl 8 months), though I may be a little biased but they are gorgeous kids. She is very much into her kids and is a wonderful mother. I have watched her with her children and see the love all over her. It is in the way that she looks at them and holds them. I can see the love in the way that she simply watches over them. It is beautiful. However I do not yearn for that feeling.

One of my oldest girlfriend’s from high school is a mother of a two year old beauty that I have truly bonded with which is pretty cool. I am so in love with her. In a conversation, she shared that she was just felt ready. She wanted to be a mother and loves each and every minute of it accept when her daughter wants to be all up on her when she is not in the mood but technically still in those moments too. I have seen she and her daughter interact while we are at functions or in large groups and its adorable to see them involved with only each other as if the world does not exist. They are so in love with each other and just simply marvelous yet I am not particularly interested for myself.

There is a friend that I went to college with that use to be on the no motherhood crusade with me once upon a time. After we graduated, she got married to a man that already had a child. She said that it was difficult but it was still ideal. A few years later, she had a handsome son. Every now and then we have a conversation on the phone and he seems to truly enjoy talking to me. It’s kind of cool. I have heard her speak of not really knowing life without him and I cannot easily relate. She has stated several time that she could imagine her life without him even though he gets on her nerves and is always right there talking to her about whatever all the time. He is a mama’s boy. She is crazy about him. She says that it is different when it is your own child and it is a lot of work being a wife, mother and friend while still remaining an individual in the process. She also proclaims that when I meet the right man that I may change my mind. – blank stare-

She could be right. I suppose that it could happen and it would explain my single status thus far in life. I haven’t met him yet and honestly, I do not really see how he would encourage me to change my mind or consider having a baby. IF it happens, I am ok (uhm, yeah that sounds good but I really prefer not to). I would like to not be single the rest of my days and I do not have an issue with men that already have kids (1-4, which is pushing it but given the circumstance) especially since it is my preference to not have any kid of my own. A man shouldn't miss on fatherhood by being with me however babies once we are already together are a deal breaker. Let’s not get crazy.

I think that I have the potential to be a good mother. I do not have a major issue with children at all in fact I really like little people. I just don’t wanna and it is not on my TO DO LIST by any means. However I do not knock women that want to do that. It’s cool and seems to be a wonderful experience. To each her own. I just do not feel that I should have to explain myself or get the lecture on how I am doing my role as woman such a disservice by not creating a life. I do not feel as if I should be scrutinized, ridiculed, chastised or any other thing because I’m not the mama... It’s just my choice – my choice.

These Freckles: Perfect Imperfections pt 1

These Freckles: Perfect Imperfection

Definition: a small brownish spot on the skin often turning darker or increasing in number upon exposure to the sun.

They define me and allow me to be close to him. I see him and he is me as I am he.

Each one has its own story, own purpose, own location. Not to be removed. Perfectly permanent.

Each has more hope, more faith the size of a mustard seed.

Keep me wonderfully original and unlike anyone else.

Special blessings with the kiss of the creator.

“Four be the things I'd have been better without:

love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.”

Dorothy Parks

“I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.”

Bill Cosby

“If you're asking whether I intentionally mess up my hair, no, I don't.

And certain things, like my freckles, they're just there.

I don't do anything consciously.

I suppose I could get contact lenses.

I suppose I could comb my hair more often.”

Bill Gates

“If a man also or a woman have in the skin of their flesh bright spots, even white bright spots; / Then the priest shall look: and, behold, if the bright spots in the skin of their flesh be darkish white; it is a freckled spot that groweth in the skin; he is clean.

unknown

Freckled Faced girl – I haven’t always had them. As a child I didn’t have any and as I got older they began to speckle across my nose and apple of my cheeks. My auntie once told me that once I get about 20 they would take on a mind of their own and boy did they. Spread clear across my face.

When I got to college my freshmen dorm mother asked me if I wanted to some cream to get rid of them. I found that to be very strange but she said that so many people disliked having them on their face since they messed up the complexion. Blank stare.

Cause a face without freckles is like a sky without stars

why wastea second not loving who you are

those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable

they show your personality inside your heart reflecting who you are

natasha bedingfield