Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

35 by 35 (hopefully before 36)

Now I am knocking on 35 in just 3 months.  There is still some hope.  Some of these things I am still hoping to make good on.  Ha.  There is some interesting commentary below.  It is amazing how my thought process was when I created this list and how I see it now.  There are some not gonna happen things below that I will exchange for something else and there is some things that I hope will happen before I turn 36.

35 BY 35

1.       Get a new passport – I plan on doing this as soon as possible.  I have some big plans and it is necessary to have. In the process

2.       Hookah Lounge

3.       Step Class (ole school Chicago stepping) maybe a Pole Class instead

4.       See Jill Scott in Concert again (she is amazing and I love her).  Almost went to see her this past weekend but my work schedule didn’t allow it but there is still hope.

5.       Go to a Philadelphia Eagles game

6.       Host a wine tasting event

7.       Go on a cruise – stamps on my passport uhm…. Im not sure about this one anymore after all those boats were having all those issues but I am thinking that I can still make this happen while 35 – we shall see

8.       Vacation with my girls – a real girlfriend getaway – well… technically this happened last year  (Vegas) but all my girls didn’t make it – DO OVER TRIP

9.       Host a brunch start to finish at my house (garden party) – I love to cook so I want to plan the menu, decorate, make real invitations – the full event (I’m crafty). – technically I sent invitation and we went to brunch.  It was awesome but I havent hosted one at my house yet.

10.     Build my savings – uhm…. Yeah… still a work in progress

11.     Attend the Essence Festival and actually attend the concerts

12.     Develop a creative business for myself that I will actually grow

13.     Put a dent in my student loans – That awesomely wonderful HBCU education is/was expensive - uhm…. Yeah… still a work in progress

14.     Complete my book(s) and publish them - uhm…. Yeah… still a work in progress

15.     Move out of Los Angeles again (improve my quality of life by growing up)

16.     Vacation with a man that I love (hopefully but we shall see – this is an entire post of its own) - smh

17.     Start bartending again – I miss it.  I miss the social aspect the intensity and if you don’t use it you lose it

18.     Stay involved with my Alumni Association (Fisk University) where ever I am

19.     See a Broadway Show in NY

20.     Take a craft class (possibly beading)

21.     Build another scrapbook of something monumental event

22.     Purchase a fantastic pair of Designer shoes

23.     I would like to be married or at least engaged – yeah that’s not looking good but that’s ok. I sure wish…

24.     Visit some of my blog buddies or at least one (there are a couple that I would like to meet in person – they already know who they are) – may happen soon.

25.     Go Camping with all the specialties. I am not really and outdoorsy chick but I have had some conversations that make it sound fun.  It will be a group outing that I will have to coordinate but I may be up for the challenge. 

26.     Learn more about wine and sangria

27.     Start sewing (using the machine that I already have for real – I need to make something good.  My mom has these awesome patterns from the 70s when she made all her clothing.  I admire that about her.  She tried to teach me when I was younger but I lacked interest).

28.     Take my mother and grandmother on a vacation

29.     Road Trip by way a Diners, Drive in and Dives – I love Guy

30.     Ride in Hot Air Balloon with someone special

31.     Grow a garden.  Not truly my thing but I hear that it is relaxing.

32.     Get to a healthy me (workout and eat better and lose some weight) - still a work in progress

33.     Become more involved with Diabetes Prevention Charity

34.     Visit Daddy’s grave – still not sure if I am read go.  I need to make that happen.

35.     Convince my friends to hold me to this list. – Everyone seems to be going through and dealing with something.  It tough but let’s see what I can get crossed off the list by October – December.

May 28: What Stresses Me Off

I’m too blessed to be stressed, right?  Well my spiritual self knows this but in my humanness there are a few things that stress me out… (in no particular order)

·         My Faith – sometimes I am conflicted. I know better but in moments it just seems or feels kind of stifled.  I trust and believe in Him so much. I know He has me in spite of me.  For that I am so grateful.  I am working on being a better woman and a better Christian.  There are times that I fall short but I am a work in progress.  I think I just need to believe in me more and seek Him more.

·         Things (Situations) that I cannot control. 

·         My current situation. I want so much more for me and though I know God is moving and He will move in His time. I sometimes tend to get a little anxious and somewhat overwhelmed.

·         My desires not being met.

·         LOVE.

·         Hope and my Heart.  I struggle with my hope in the greater good.

·         Not being able to hear my Daddy’s voice and sometimes I stress over how much I miss him.  In those times I get overwhelmed and I don’t really have an outlet.  It has been almost two years and it sometimes doesn’t seem to easier.

·         Not letting the past go.

·         My weight – It’s a struggle for me and has been.  I am not as disciplined as I should be nor am I always as focused.  I do not want to go back to the way I was.

·         Ants. I cannot stand those boogers and when they get into everything and you have to try to get them cleared out. Then you feel like they are crawling all over you. Gracious.

·         Inconsiderate and inconsistent behaviors – again things that I cannot control.

·         Temptation.

MO to my JO

My last relationship was all sorts of beautiful. In the moment I often believed in giving him my forever and it was easy and simple.  It all felt all kinds of right.  I thought he was the one. The end all, be all. The final key to my lock. The ball to my chain.  He was the perfect verse over a tight beat (BROWNSUGAR).  Until… he decided otherwise.  Though I cannot truly fault him for being all in his head and not in sync with his heart <HOWEVER THAT’S ANOTHER SOMETHING FOR ANOTHER TIME…POSSIBLY MAYBE>

A N Y W A Y S…

During this time I let go of the team and made him my FRANCHISE PLAYER. There were no backups or substitutions. I didn’t believe it to be necessary.  I cut off all alternative options.  Also in this time I began all of the us associations. We can do this, we will do that, do we want… We, we, we with not much regard to I.  It was ok initially because I was suppose to have further need for it but when that changed I needed to be reacquainted with HER.  My supreme individuality of being me but better.  SHE is the very essence of me without attributing and alter ego.  We are one in the same.  She is the MO to the JO better known as my MOJO.

mo·jo/ˈmōˌjō/

Noun:

1.     A magic charm, hex, or spell. I got my mojo workin'.

2.     Magic power

3.     Style. I've got my mojo goin' on!

4.     Sex appeal. I've got serious mojo. 

Honestly, there was a large part of me that hoped that He would recognize that I was all the things that I felt he was to me so I kept the communication open along with my heart.  Then one day it all just made sense. It clicked and it was affirmed that I needed to move forward and let him go.  No need to just stick your toe in the water when you can cannon ball. 

MO is uber feminine.  She is way girly.  She is into stilettos, dresses, skirts, mascara and lip gloss. MO is womanly polite and allows a man to be a man.  She enjoys chivalry and being treated the way a woman should.  She holds her head up and appreciates her best assets.  MO is smart and well aware of her surroundings.  She is nice but not naïve which sometimes get confused by some as a weakness but she embraces it as her strength.  She is not into conflict, strife or unnecessary roughness.  MO is the girl in the woman that believes in love and feeling good in the midst.  She is well put together and all into her presentation which makes ME feel good.

aggressive, militant, assertive, self-assertive mean obtrusively energetic especially in pursuing particular goals. aggressive implies a disposition to dominate often in disregard of others' rights or in determined and energetic pursuit of one's ends <aggressive in his business dealings>

assertive suggests bold self-confidence in expression of opinion assertive speakers dominated the forum>. self-assertive connotes forwardness or brash self-confidence self-assertive young upstart>.

JO is an extension of my MO that plays into her femininity.  JO is more shaken than stirred.  She is the perfect cocktail with equal parts spicy, savory and sweet over ice.  JO is sometimes mannish in her approach in a way that is sometimes overly sensual with several sexual undertones.  She has a way with words and uses them to her advantage to be boldly direct and sort of forward.  She says it like she feels is and leads with her physical emotions.  JO is a bit more aggressive in her dealings.  While she thinks before she speaks she tends to be a bit blunt compared to MO.    JO sometimes inserts random cuss word to get her point across and enjoys flirting though it’s not always intentionally to her benefit.  When she sees something or someone she wants she is focused, confident and self assured.  JO is very comfortable around men and is a lover of men.  She is a guys a girl.  JO loves football, chicken wings and an occasional imported dark beer.  JO unites with MO to become a total package of balance.

My MO to my JO is more in me than I previously noticed.  I thought that I was out of touch with her.   I just need to feel my way through and put it to use to see how far we can go.  We will spend some time out and get to know each other.  I guess it is sort of like riding a bike… you never really forget.  

Do you know your MOJO?

30 Day Blog Challenge Day #18: Something I Crave

Something I Crave

2 years ago my daddy died.  A week after we buried him, I lost my job.  I picked up part time jobs and worked out all the time to hold it together.  That is the year that I turned 30 but it did not seem to happy.  6 months after that I moved back to Los Angeles from Atlanta.  My mother said that I needed to deal with everything and get myself back together.  Thankful for my mother.  My heart has been broken yet to mend but the days have gotten easier.  I do not cry everyday anymore but when I do cry... Some days are just better than others.  Once back in LA, I worked a plethora of temp jobs while going to countless interviews with no avail.  Then I did not work for 6 months.  Nothing.  Not working and being alone will play on your psyche.  I ended up getting a permanent part time job which I am grateful to have but it is not ideal.  The struggle is a little different.  However the light is now flickering.  My living situation has changed and its for the best but now I lack space but its for the best.  New Year's Eve my paternal grandmother died.  In that instant I felt that heartbreak again.  My chest hurts and the pain lingers.  I was unable to attend due to my finances but I was able to go half on my sister's ticket which was the brighter side.  right?  I am glad that I spoke to her and she knew that I loved her.  She told me how much she loved me too.  I didnt know then but now I see it was the final goodbye.  I wish that I would have been able to speak to my daddy and tell him that I love him ( amongst other things).  I wish there was some sort of goodbye.  I hold some guilt (which use to be alot of guilt) with my grief that I sometimes dont let me off the hook for.  There are moments when I feel more than inadequate if there is such a thing.  I am not utilizing my potential.  I am not where I figure that I am suppose to be in my life - well more so where I want to be since apparently this is my plan.  My emotions are up and down and I sometimes feel the need to pull away from those that love me most. I know there has got to be light at the end but as of now its just flickering. Of course there are people that are going through a lot more and have a lot less but sometimes I cant care about them because I am only thinking about me.  (kind of ugly and selfish, huh?) Sometimes in reflection I wonder what God really has in store for me and what it is that He wants me to learn.  Ive been in this holding pattern for a long time and yet in still I am still blessed. (thankful)  I sometimes I am not able to be thankful that He chose me to go through this all right now bute in the large scope of things I am.   sometimes dont know what to pray for so I just thank Him.  My HOPE gives me FAITH that all shall come pass. Learning to PATIENT though sometimes I feel like I am failing.  Honestly right now all I crave is PEACE.





I'm back

So, I have been gone for a while.  It was not initially intentional but it was deeply needed. I feel like I am on repeat but the last 2 years things have been incredibly challenging for me.  I know that I am not the only person going through but sometimes going through becomes an utterly lonely place.  There have been times that I have felt alone in a world full of people. I have not completely been present in my hope.  I have several moments where I thought that I wanted to give up in this place.  This was a place that made me take a deep look within myself to find my strength, trust in my faith and recognize my desire for hope.

There is always hope and I have it.  After all that I have been through and after all that I have battled and conquered, there’s renewed hope, desire and faith.  I hope that I will continue to grow into this new normal.  I hope to continually grow into a better woman that will be a better person, a better daughter and granddaughter, a better sister, a better friend and better lover.  I hope that God will continually share His renewed grace and mercy on me each day.  I hope that my words will encourage someone else to go on and not give up on their hope for life, strength and faith.  I hope that my writing will be more dedicated and focused for my love of pen to paper.

So, I am back and better.  I am feeling more dedicated and completely present.  There are so many wonderful things going on in my life right now.  I feel God truly moving and I am so hopeful.

Please ride with me as I continue to Freckles’ Thought For this Day, Wednesday’s Words and Lyrics and my NEW I to WE editions – COMING SOON.

Freckles Thought For This Day...

There are many fine things which you mean to do some day, under what you think will be more favorable circumstances. But the only time that is surely yours is the present, hence this is the time to speak the word of appreciation and sympathy, to do the generous deed, to forgive the fault of a thoughtful friend, to sacrifice self a little more for others. Today is the day in which to express your noblest qualities of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing which you have long postponed, and to use your God-given abilities for the enrichment of some less fortunate fellow traveler.

Grenville Kleiser, 1868-1953

My Respiration

So much on my mind I just can't recline

From where I sit, I look over the hood and so much as changed. People have changed, the feel has changed and the integrity is no longer valid. Once upon a time there was some sort of love for the hood but now it has dwindled down. It's not all for the better but not all for the worse. I see planes fly across smoggy skies but on a clear day my downtown is visually shines. The ghetto bird hovers most nights bringing attention to the overrated element of who's hood is it with territories marked on sidewalks, walls, buildings, garage doors and even sometimes the church. Yes, the blatant disrespect is prevalent. I remember a time when passing cars would turn down the music when passing a church especially during service. A time when marking territory didn't include the dwellings of God's temples in the hood but as I stated the hood has changed. This was a time when there was some sort of respect and someone's house, church or neighborhood business was not marked by individuals claiming territory that is not necessarily theirs to claim. When folks in the hood weren't held captive by bars to feel safe in a place of the "American Dream" which is now consumed by unemployment and foreclosures in spite of red/blue claims that don't really belong to them without no real pride or care for the hood.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

Once upon a time Parks was on 92^nd and Western. Their store sat right off the corner as extended family watching kids grow up and create a place that was constant and ever present force for generations. They loved, knew all the neighbors by name and even employed the hood. The Parks were there as the aaccessible corner, fresh meat and even fried fish market always open and generally available. Now as I sit back and look over that off the corner lot all that is left is a piece of the foundation to the building that held Mr. and Mrs. Parks for so long and was so positive. Their place of hope lost. The hope to rebuild didn't give fuel to their desire. All that exist is the liquor store across the street that makes money supplying some drunken tangents in a parking lot housing used condoms from the strawberries of the night. The devastation with conflict of mind and giving up on all that could have been. I see folks living for their work along with their dealing and scheming. We all have a story but it's just sad to see my people doped up, cracked in and strung out. Their heavily medicated souls estranged from their minds. I look over it and across it all and my soul is disturbed. It's just sad seeing the hood not live to its potential.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

In the city of angels where we tend to bleed purple and gold supporting our hometown boys doesn't keep the dope boys constantly standing watch shaking hands and staring at girls not yet old enough to understand the functions of their temple yet they speak of sharing it with each other and almost any other. They don't want to hold onto their innocence in hopes of growing up quick and having matchless materials or attention from what they may or may not have had at home. There is now a time where sex is too often taken for granted and not so much into the pleasure. All for more attention and even more attention confusing lust for love. Some smoking and snorting to escape the reality. The reality of babies having babies, some misusing their babies for the next high due to strung heads wandering dark sheets seeking the next hit of whatever, however with whomever only discovering forever lost innocence. Yet the go along with their stories untold with ass cheeks hanging in site attempting to attract their next dollar but its mumbled across the hood yet there is no help or encouragement given. No love, little hope and just simply trying to make it. Damn the hood has changed or has it only just become more visible as it was all done in the dark and has all come to light.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

The large span of land surrounded by water divided by so many cities and so many ethnic groups. My hood was once white when my grandparents bought their home and then when my mother graduated from high school in the same hood it grew very black and now as I have grown up, moved away and came back it has become more brown. The complexions vary but the hood is still changing. The crime is black on black and brown on brown and sometimes conflicts to black and brown. My hood has a church on almost every other corner yet there is a need for more than a little prayer. The overrated affiliates prey over their red and blue in my black and brown hood with no real care for the hood we all share. Breathe in, the hope that they will see the banging is not a true way of life and keepin it real will make you casualty of abnormal normality. It won't continue to be a place where what set you're from won't conclude with life taken. Just to leave the hood to go to another is along the 405, 110, 105 and it's simple to hop on the 207, 105, and 550 to just get away. No matter the situation there is always sunshine and gloom in the same moment. The sky is clear and it may be a beautiful day but it never dismisses the things that go on in the hardly ever quiet hood but like Cube stated you always look forward to the opportunity to say today was a good day.

Skyscrapers is colossus, the cost of living
is preposterous, stay alive, you play or die, no options
No Batman and Robin, can't tell between
the cops and the robbers, they both partners, they all heartless
With no conscience, back streets stay darkened
Where unbeliever hearts stay hardened

Mos Def (Respiration)

Not knowing the ways'll get you capped like an NBA salary
Some cats be emceeing to illustrate what we be seeing
Hard to be a spiritual being when shit is shakin what you believe inTalib Kweli (Respiration)

It's deep, I heard the city breathe in its sleep
Of reality I touch, but for me it's hard to keep
Deep, I heard my man breathe in his sleep
Of reality I touch, but for me it's hard to keep
Common (Respiration)

Flowing Kindness in Secret

I ran across this story in one of my daily devotionals. Thought that it was so wonderful that I just had to share. Imagine how wonderful the world would be if we got out of our own ways and paid it forward.

LATE one evening while studying at the seminary library, I overheard a conversation at a table near mine. The mother of one of the students was ill. He wanted to go home to visit her but could not afford to lose the money he would have earned at his part-time job. I was touched by the story and so, quietly, I found out the student's name. Quite sure that he did not know me, I looked forward to a chance to do something good in secret.

That afternoon I cashed a check for the amount he had mentioned and folded the money in a piece of paper with these words typed on it: "Go see your mother. Love, Jesus." The money and the letter went in an envelope that I placed in the student's campus mailbox. It felt good to know that perhaps I had made a difference in the life of the son and his mother.

An endless stream of kindness could flow from each of us to make the world around us a gentler place. Someday when I am in need, the Lord who has seen what I have done in secret may reward me with just what I need, given by a perfect stranger.

Anonymous

Scripture says: When you help a needy person, do it in such a way that even your closest friend will not know about it. Then it will be a private matter. And your Father, who sees what you do in private, will reward you. --- Matthew 6:34

Far too often do you hear people state what they did and who they did it for. They want accolades and attention. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with either but sometimes the deed goes unnoticed or becomes insincere. I am sometimes guilty of this too. I do not take into consideration that it's not that I did the deed but more so about the deed itself. When I take away from the deed by boastfully sharing, I take away from the blessing a bit. Then there are those that do something because of what they will receive in return. This is almost worst than being boastful. We should not do things for recognition; we should do them because it is the right thing to do to make someone else better. It may just make you feel wonderful.

After my father died, I lost my job and I was working a couple of part time jobs. I was thankful to be a part of church family that was very compassionate. I received a number of cards from people that I didn't know sharing their love and sympathy. When things got tough my church was helpful. My Pastor at the time called and text me every day for 3 weeks checking on my well being. When I finally decided to move back to Los Angeles, I wrote my pastor a letter sharing that I would be moving back home and provided him with all of my contact information. When he saw me on my final Sunday, he asked if he could share with the congregation that I was moving and of course I obliged. When the time came, he asked me to come up to the pulpit and told the church my situation. Of course many people did not know several of the particulars of the situation but they all seemed to care and prayed for me. When I got back to my seat I received an envelope that said God Bless Sister and I will be praying for you with no name. It was sent by an usher and inside was $100. There was no name and no one to say thank you to but I recall being so grateful. Grateful that God had put it on someone's heart to bless me. That anonymous angel did something nice for me in secret and trusted that God would reward their compassion. I still have that envelope, it still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I am still ever so grateful.

Here is a little HOPE and TRUST for someone.

This Christmas...

New pajamas. Candy filled stockings. Jingle Bells. Snowflakes and Snow Angels. Christmas Trees dressed in lights and tinsel. Santa Hats and holiday sweaters. Cookies for Santa. Anticipation of the much regarded Christmas list. Rolls of wrapping paper and lots of tape. Trying to stay up as late as possible in hopes of seeing Santa Clause or Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Waking up as early as possible Christmas morning to see Barbie’s dream house, playhouses and kitchens, bikes and motor classic cars. Video Cameras catching all the excitement. New clothes. New toys. Anxiously waiting the opportunity to get out to be amongst the neighborhood friends comparing and contrasting gifts.

All the excitement. All the joy. All the love.

Christmas just isn’t what it use to be for me but I still have FAITH, HOPE and LOVE. It no longer has much anticipation for me but it is still Christmas and like each day I am thankful for the time and do my best to TRUST in my FAITH and BELIEVE in what this time really means to me. It is not so much about the presents but more so of a time to appreciate, reflect and love those closest to me. I have a new appreciation for life this Christmas. There are many that were present last year that are no longer. Someone knows the feeling of missing someone that use to once share this day with all the joy, love and anticipation. Someone knows the emptiness that is felt missing someone that you love and wanting nothong more than to have them back.  I MISS MY DADDY ON THIS DAY as well as every other. To those people I pray your strength, comfort and peace in knowing that you were loved and blessed to have had that love as well as that person. It is alot easier said than done but TRUST and BELIEVE that your FAITH can move mountains.  I am thankful to be working and to be able to do more than what I could for my family and friends than last year. I am thankful to just to wake up in my right mind when I sometimes feel overwhelmed with all the matters of my heart. This Christmas I am with my family. I am able to love on them and still grieve comfortably but still be able to smile. This year we are blessed with our new little person (my sister’s daughter). My sister found out she was pregnant right before our daddy died. Life taken and given within the same year = Blessing. I still have HOPE and am learning to appreciate the little things. HOPE is real. Hold onto it as if it were your last breath. Each day is a blessing. Each moment is monumental. Don’t take for granted this day or any other after this one. Use this Christmas holiday and every day after to feel the genuine reason for the season. As long as God is still God…

Merry Christmas

Love like no other

and

do not forget to pay it forward.

Peace and Blessings,

Freckles

I want...

I want to be his friend, his lover and his confidant. I want him to feel as if he can talk to me about anything and everything. I want to him to know that sometimes there are no words needed and we can just be silent without it being a problem.  I want to there for him, encourage him and pray for him maybe even more than I pray for myself. I want to see the God in him as he in me.

I want a selfless kind of love. I want the kind of love that is worth fighting for. I want the kind that requires immediate and constant attention. I want the kind that makes you wanna disagree so that we can come to agree. I want the kind of love that is hard but doesn’t hurt. I want the kind of love that is full of passion and some pain. I want the kind that weathers the storm and keeps us focused.

I want love.  I want patience.  I want devotion.  I want passion and romance.  I want peace.  I want friendship.  I want kindness.  I want backbone.  I want communication.  I want good eye contact.  I want growth.  I want anticipation.  I want spontaneity.  I want fire and desire.  I want pleasure.  I want emotional, physical and mental penetration.  I want satisfaction.  I want compatibility and accountability.  I want respect and fidelity.  I want humor. I want sympathy/empathy and concern.  I want to be supported and taken care of.  I want balance.  I want good, enjoyable and consistent sex often.   I want monogamy.  I want it all and it doesn't have to be in that order with even a little more.

I want to spend my life with him.  I want to be able to smell him when he’s not around and reach him when he is close. I want to wake up next to him and smile.  I want to go to sleep in his arms almost every night.  I want to be able to feel his eyes on me from a distance.  I want to hug and/ or him as often as possible.  I want to be able to have moments where I touch him there and there and here and there and oh yes, right there.   I want us to cherish our time apart just so we can come together or even cum together. I want it to feel like the first time each and every time or at least every 3rd, 4th or 5th time.   

I want to have the ability to miss him when he is away. Have the ability to grow when we are together. I want to be on the same page but be able to turn the page – together. I want to be able to set aside my issues and imperfections so there is enough room for him in my heart.  I want be able to understand when the world is on his shoulders.  I want him to know that I am there to share some of the load.  I want him to know that he is never alone and that I will always be there as long as he allows me to be.  I want him to allow me to be.

I want to be able to complete his sentences.  I want to be his period, exclamation point and even his comma.  I want us to be poetry in motion. I want us to be more than a beautiful haiku, romantic sonnet or a smooth ballad. I want us to be the combined words that create something wonderful.

I want to be the melody in his tune and the inspiration of his art while being the motivation of his desires. I want him to know that I am in his corner (his front and his back).  I want to know that he knows that I am his #1 fan, his supporter and his encourager. I want to be the one that made him comfortable enough to stop being an I and want to be a we.

I want to continue to be patient until we cross paths. I want to continue working on being everything that he will need me to be for we.  I want to be the woman that God has intended me to be.  I want to know the moment when he realizes that I am his one.  I want to be his chosen one.  I want him to be confident in his choice.  I want him to be able to hear God when he says, I created her for you. 

I want to be able to wait for all that I want.  I want to be content with my expectations of want. I want to continue to learn more of what I want.  I want to not mind wanting...

Damn, this is a helluva want.