Unloaded: Betrayal of the "best" dude

Betrayal has a way with toying with your psychological process of dealing with people and sometimes takes you out of your character.  It not only hurts but is painful in a way that changes the dynamic of your spirit.  It is the slow uncomfortable screw that tends to linger without hope of pushing through the surface.  There so many questions and not enough answers.  It is the effect without any cause.  It is the lack of logic the taints your emotions.  I have been betrayed and taken for granted in the worse way by a person that I not only loved and cared about but someone that held in high regard as my extended family.  This person has taken my heartfelt love as a weakness and disrespected it in a way that cannot be forgotten at this moment is not forgiven.  Now I need to release these emotions.  They are no longer conducive to my being.  Again, it is a process that it is not taken lightly as this baggage is unloaded.

UNLOADED:  After over 20 years of so called friendship, I will no longer be needing your presence in my life.  I will accept and recognize it all for what it was, a moment in time when I thought that you were a stand up dude.  A dude that was supposed to be the best in all attributes of what was known as friendship.    Once upon a time you were respected and appreciated.  There were times that you were the one that turned to for guidance and/or a listening ear.   I was your secret keeper, voice of reason and even good for a long walk.  There was a time when taking care of the body was important.  There was a time when the heart was real.  There was a time that I never questioned your intentions.  We confided in each other in a way that more family the friend.  There were what I thought were real heart to hearts of aspirations, dreams and desires.  I thought you were better than this and I expected better than this with you.   There were plenty of family events, birthdays, wedding planning and even the tears when I moved to Atlanta.  It all feels like it was a fallacy.

 

We were the dynamic duo for time and even had some deep heart to hearts about what were suppose to be future endeavors. We went through life with a few bumps in the road but found our way back to friendship.  I missed you in that time and found a way to let you back in.  We were family.  Our family was family.  It was suppose to be all good.  We were supposed to be a forever kind of good, so I thought.  Your blatant disrespect for my family is a new all time low for you and I have to admit that I am more than surprised.  I would have never believed that you were such a liar, manipulator and deceiver. I do not know what is going on in your head but I cannot believe that your heart is any good.  Your word means nothing and I just do not understand.  Somewhere you got lost.  The connection drifted and you changed or maybe you didn’t change but became comfortable with your faulty character.  You lost your moral integrity.  You got the game twisted.  You lost the love and the respect and in return there is no respect.

I reached out on more than one occasion expressing how I felt and tried to see if the dude that was my best dude for so many years was still there and nothing came from it.  Even once you claimed to be sorry and that you were going to move forward you did not and have not.  It sucks that this is who you are but most of all it hurts.  My forever friend who would never do anything to hurt me or my family did just that in a major way and has managed to show no remorse once however.  Wow.  I hope that it was worth it.  I hope that you move on with your life and continue to disregard my being.  I no longer wish to know you or your representative.  There is no need to ever have any additional dialogue about anything ever. I am releasing you and all of this unnecessary drama that you have created.  I hope that all recognize you for who you are and avoid any interaction with your bull.  Thank you for showing me who you are. Peace out dude.

Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

Dear Heartache

Dear Heartache,

You made a fool of me.  Allowed me to feel so many amazing things at one point and then took it all away to make me feel broken alone and defeated.  I don’t like to play games and cannot fathom the reason as to why you felt the need to play with my heart and complicated my emotions.  My heart was so fragile and my emotions confuse my logic. 

Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.  The laughter of pain is a tearful shame.  The shame fills up the pain of the heart and wounds the soul.  The hurt turns to anger that soon exacerbates the stomach’s pit. Constant tears drained night after night in an attempt to purge the array of emotions that consume the spirit that was once full of happiness.  Attempting to make sense of that has transpired to brought to this point to be engulfed you and this heartbreak.  The crying doesn’t heal and doesn’t fix the void you have caused.  You, heartache, promote so much pain.

Hurt, anger, confusion, mild rage, sadness brings me closer to you.  Wishing not to hold onto you in my dreams and move past your selfish intentions to hold me captive.  I want to believe this not forever and that one day moving forward and past will bring light to the end of this dark tunnel.   

I slowly feel you unwrapping me and leaving me apart and alone.  All these emotions at once, completely numb with no way to run.  The desire for you to go away is so real and unshakable at the same time.  Yearning for the love but we keep bumping into you like this.  Not able to shake you and frustration settles your deep ache and continual burn.

I refuse to give into you.  You will not continue to consume me.  I have faith and favor.  I have belief in the great good and will depart from you.  I just have to hope for better.  It can happen and it will.  I will be stronger and you will not last always. 

Goodbye Heartache

Random Relationship Reflection: Happy Birthday Old Love

I thought about you all day.

On this day - your birthday. I couldn’t decide whether or not I should contact you especially after our last conversation which didn’t go as I had envisioned. I am still not quite sure if I am suppose to feel some kind of way about it but either way it was what I wanted, to hear your voice. I guess this is how this is suppose to be.

I never really knew what it meant to let go of you and for you to let go of me since once upon a time there was so much love in my heart for you which hasn’t completely left me. I couldn't comprehend at the time how it was going to feel or how much I was going to miss you.

To this day you have not ever really been too far from my thoughts and I always hope the best of God's blessings for you. I continue to pray for you, your heart and your dreams. I want nothing but the best for you in life.

I am continually thankful that I was blessed to experience us and had it been another time it may have been more successful. I learned so much about myself due to you and for that I am so thankful. I hope that today was good for you.

Happy Birthday Old Love.

Day 19: Something I want to say to an Ex

EX 1:  I held you, your thoughts, your feelings, your ambition, your lust and your passion close along with your lack of drive, all of your pride and that sad excuse for love that you had for me.  We went day by day after all those years.  I gave all that I could to you and for you.  I embrace your dreams and your hope and tried to do all I could to uplift you, encourage you and keep you focused on our future.  I am so busy loving and caring and trying to be all for you that I lose track of my own happiness and what I needed.  How long must I set myself aside and possibly miss out on someone that may be for me for the fact that I love you more than it seems that you love yourself. Rhetorical.  Day after day I loved you regardless of you being mine to love.  I love you regardless of what it has cost.  I tried to love you enough to compensate for this world that is so cruel and seems too unfair to you so you said.  I loved until it hurt when I don’t know if you are ok because you are not answering the phone when I am called.  Not knowing where you were, if something had happened or if your karma has caught up with you.  I love you until it hurts from worry and tears that wet my pillow where I lay scared that something has happened to you or wondering how I can help you. My tears have filled and now my cup runneth over.  It’s time for a release but I can’t seem to let go.  I love you and it hurts so badly when once upon a time it was so good and it gave me multiples. When fucking you made me feel close and safe and that it was us sharing our love with each other.  Now I can’t seem to release.  Release all the emotions, thoughts feelings that hold me hostage to you.  I can’t let go and it hurts so bad. I loved you so much that prayed for you almost more than I prayed for myself as if my salvation was enough for the both of us.  All of this and for what?  I cannot seem to get a return on my investment and now I can’t seem to let go but now I'm leaving.  It hurts as bad as I feel the words of Ms. Hill and it coincides with Jill’s slowly surely. Slowly surely. Slowly surely.  I walked away.  If only you believed in you as I believe in you and you would see yourself worth as I see that loving you has always been worth it even though you have never been mine to love.  I try to love you enough for the both us but it turns out that it is never really enough. Woe is me and I can stand this shit and all I really want you to do is man up but again I love you as you are full of flaws and with too much love for them same streets that keep me up at night worried about you and knowing that you may not even be thinking about me.  How long do I compromise my heart and my happiness for love that only truly exist in my heart alone and empty all by myself?  The kind of love I do not deserve but hold onto because it’s apart of you and I settle to have a piece of you with no true purpose. 

EX 2:  My love for you was bottomless and is years and years and years long with no real purpose or desire but it was passionate and it was full of fireworks and it penetrates me deep to climax each and every time. Thank goodness but at the end of the day there is no true release and even after I cum my love is still with me and I am still alone trying to maintain what I hope we will be or what we have in my fantasy world but now this is reality and the this love hurts and it is one sided and I can’t carry the burden for the both of us. It’s not fair and it’s not enough.  So now as you go and give up on us, know that once you leave, you cannot come back, I am closed and there will be no more.  This is your decision and I need you say good bye and let me go so that we can conclude this novel.  All of the chapters have been written and the preface did not have enough detail.  This story must come to an end with no happy ending.  The curtain must fall and I will watch you exit stage left.  I cry and reflect on the fact that there is not wrong or any right, no fault, no good or bad involved.  We are just two hearts on different beats to different tunes no longer playing together in harmony.  I sit here purging.  Letting go of all the things of my heart for you and the love is still there but this is confirmation that it has never been enough.  You have to love love before you can love me but you need to love yourself before that.  I love you but it’s not enough and I know that but through it all it doesn’t make me stop loving you. Love loving you and being in love with the thought of you loving me back, the way that I need you too-unconditional and unquestioned and uncompromising.  Loving you has not always been easy and there is times when it beautiful.  I love how you look when you are feeling my love and we are making love and you are just being my lover - Over and over and over. But again, it’s not enough and it’s ok.  I am ok and in fact I am thankful for the opportunity to love and hope that one day it will love me back in a way that does not hurt.  One day it will be my turn but now that I am letting you go maybe it will find me.

Random Relationship Thoughts (Goodbye)

it’s kind of ironic that this time last year i allowed you back into my life after all of that time. it had been over 15 years since our last relationship and over 6 years since the last time i put my eyes on you.  i seeked you initially just to check in and that is probably when i first went wrong yet there are no regrets.  we conversed and caught up.  it was nice. it all seemed to flow easily.  i was gitty yet no expectations.  2011 Easter weekend was beautiful. we were awesome.  you seemed to be sure.  then you said that i was what you wanted. i heard you and felt you and thought that this was the beginning. it now seems that all of what i thought was in my head yet my heart said otherwise. we went hard and we went fast and somehow didn’t stay on the same page.  it was a good ride. i learned some things that have made me stronger, smarter and more aware. i felt some things that i didn’t know to be as powerful, real and deep. i loved. i hurt. i grew. i embraced and now let go. maybe you weren't really meant for me and maybe i wasn’t really meant for you though i did love what we were. here is it is Easter again and we are no longer a “we”. there is you and an i. separate. completely apart. what difference a year makes?

Dear Mr. Unavailable (an open letter)

Dear Mr. Unavailable,

It has always been a matter of time. The time has always been bad but for a moment I thought that this time was going to be the best time to finally be the right time instead of next time. Silly me. Not really but it is all relative.

It is very sad for me that our time has ended. Our friendship seems to be completely at a lost and it hurts more than I can articulate at this moment to say good bye, especially since you have been in my life for so long. We have watched ourselves grow up and now apart with all things in between. Honestly, I miss you already but I will always have the moments, conversation with no words and smiles across the room full of inside jokes. You moved me. Made me smile and feel some things that I hadn’t in a while. Thank you for making me capable of feeling again. You were once honest, caring and adoring. Like Donnie, Giving up is so hard to do but my light of hope is burning dim.  I appreciate that you were there. It feels strange to not have you as a go to but as some say, it is what it is. There are so many things that need to be said face to face. There are even some things that should probably not be said too. I hope that one day we will have that conversation of closure and when you are ready I will be available of course unlike yourself.

I am thankful to have had a friend like you in my life. I meant and to an extent continue to mean all things said. I wish we coulda woulda shoulda but at this time again, it is what it is as you are who/what/how/where you are. I’m going to accept it all as is and choose to let you go. Do know we were friends and our friendship was to be admired and appreciated. The timing may come around one day but that was not this day but until then I will just see you next lifetime.

Good Luck with Life’s Journey Old Friend.

Freckles

Goodbye Atlanta...for now of course

It is 2:30 AM EST and I am awake.  I am taking up every last minute possible to suck up every last drop of this place.  Diggin my core to feel all that has been home - happiness.  However home is where you make it. I have fallen in love with this city.  It has a feel good vibe to it.  It encouraged alot of growth.  It has been good - not all good but good nonetheless.  3 years ago almost to the day I packed up my car (along with my roomie) and traveled southeast for a change and it has been great!!!  We traveled 4 days and no nights to get to Atlanta.  We survived my frantic all my life is in that car and I am freaking out in El Paso moment. TOTALLY SCARY...  We made it here and built a good life.  As much as we have been through we stayed in this together - I LOVE YOU ROOMIE & ever so thankful for all you have done.  You have been a wonderful friend - though it all - THANK YOU!!!

MOMENTS: Atlanta...Sweetauburn Festival, Spring Polin, polin count, seasons, Mall of Georgia, Perimeter, Greenbriar, Taste of Atlanta, Football Classics, Dinners, Lounges, Clubs, Slice, MBAR, Loca Luna, COI, Paschals, J. Christopher's, intentions to attend Six Flags, 400, 285, 20, 75, 85, Decatur where its greater, Stone Mountain, Goodie Mob, Djangles, Verve, Velvet Room, Taboo 2, Norcoss, Outlets - boring ass buford (lol), Cumberland, Guthries, Vortex, leopard lounge, Sutra, Andre 3000, Jill Scott, Dave Chapelle, Little Five Points, Snapfinger Rd, Lenox, Buckhead Station, North Hills, Chattsworth, Broadstone, 50 cent toll,  Roswell, Zion MBC, Dunwoody, Art Shows and plenty of trips searching for the best shoe possible.

The people that I have met here and built friendships with have been a blessing.  It is so wonderful to have genuine people in my life.  We went to dinner last weekend and it was wonderful.  Just tobe around a group of women that were just happy to be around each other and passing gril compliments.  (my boots were a big hit)  I honestly love the ladies that were there.  Love them and grateful for our paths crossing.  Thank you friends. 

Anway, things around me have changed and there have plenty of good friendships made.  I am so optimistic for the future.  We shall see what happens. I am leaving in the morning.  Well hopefully, its raining outside. So, I hope that the weather lets up so that I can fly out.  All my stuff has already gone and the moving company called and stated that they will be able to deliver my stuff on Monday.  That is very exciting. Everything fell in line today.  We ran some errands and got something to eat at the Vortex (awesome).  Then we sat on the couch and watched movies, mildly silent and realizing the time is drawing near.  I am a little sad at this moment.  I am really leaving.  Bittersweet. It has been great and we shall meet again.

Well, it is 4:37am, I suppose that I should be preparing for the airport.

Hello Change (Los Angeles)

Goodbye Atlanta, I shall miss you for now.