Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

Head, Anyone?

Head. Give. Get. Take. Ask or Not.

DISCLAIMER:  This is a touchy subject and I thought long and hard (no pun intended) about stimulating this conversation amongst adults but I deem it necessary.  Again, this is only one interpretation that should offer some assistance and thought to all parties.  Some will agree and others will disagree – all are ok and accepted.  This is a two sided conversation and is more than the initial attention grabber.  Please take into consideration that this conversation is meant for mature adults that can handle all verbiage being used.  Thank you and shall we proceed.

Speak into the mic, just kiss it or lick it a little bit, puff the pipe – it won’t make you choke, say hello to my lil friend (yes some are smaller than others), blow the whistle, it won’t get hard if you don’t help it out,  or simply can I get some head?  All said while trying to guide head to head.  I am sure that there are several ladies that could create a list that would both be ridiculous and ironic.  It is amazing the things that some men come up with saying in order to get some “head”.  I do not understand some men’s desire or need to ask for some head, penis suckage or fellatio. 

There is nothing wrong with a little head.  We all like to receive it but honestly we don’t all like to give it.  Most importantly there are women that don’t always think that it is the sexiest thing to do.  Some like it, love, adore it, can’t stand it and would rather just do it regular.  Generally the point of us hooking up would be for enjoyment unless you’re selfish which many are (both sides).  It should not have to be negotiated after all, we all profess to be adults right? Don’t get me wrong I get it.  I understand that it feels good and possibly looks very sexy to feel the warmth and wetness along with the softness of her lips along your man muscle. The pleasure of laying back, relaxing and not having to take control of the sexual situation.  I get it.  I also understand that is a part of sex and yes I like it done to me of course when done correctly.  Both, like less biting and teeth used – we agree. However, question is why ask or why are you ok with asking for some head?

For some, oral sex is more intimate than actual intercourse and is a bigger leap of faith.  After all its all right there and it’s your mouth and we both… well, we will just say that it is something to think about if you are a not so clean person.  We don’t always ask the necessary questions outside of are you disease free.  Does she brush her teeth or take care of her mouth – does he use soap and clean down under his balls?  And vice versa. I mean really – we all need to be a bit more selective and more concerned.  The world is a very crazy place these days. {JUST A THOUGHT – you cannot suck or lick on every or anybody}.  Then there is the matter of what am I getting out of the deal especially if we are not a long term situation?  Seriously, after you nut, if you get to that point, do you have come back, is that it, will you be returning the favor and do you expect this all the time? I would like to believe that it can be more of the preliminary step, a kind of foreplay, rather than the main event and it’s not always done accordingly but each and every situation is different.  Govern yourself according.

Just a few thoughts that run through mind quickly after the initial inquiry but my main point of thought is, Why are you even asking?  I don’t get that.  It seems like if it is going to happen it’s going to happen and it should not be expected but moreso appreciated. If we are random to each other or not necessarily exclusive what makes it be necessary.  After all if it didn’t automatically happen, what makes you think that you are worth the service?  Now, I don’t want to hurt any feelings or even offend anyone but did you consider that this service is given to some and only a privilege to others or that you just don’t meet the desire.  A woman will initiate her desires, please believe – have you thought about that?  Have you ever sat back and considered the willingness of some and the reluctance of others.  Think about it!!!  I have often wondered if the inquiry comes from a selfish a place or is it one of those activities that should be added to my resume under the skill section.  Should a chick be flattered that you thought of her enough to ask her to suck you off or get you started?  Should she feel privileged that you say that she is so good that you just want it all the time?  Should she think that it is in the best interest of her health and womanhood to proceed or that you may not attracted otherwise?  When you ask do you consider that you may be taking the joy or desire from her?  Do you even think with your actual head before asking for head?

It’s funny that this seems to be an ongoing debate or even a conversation that is always not agreed upon.  It’s one of those touchy subjects that is sometimes felt uncalled for or uncivilized.  Us all being grown has nothing to do with giving or even receiving.  It is the comfort to all parties involved.  The real inquiry here is we don’t all think about what we are doing before we do it.  We do not always take into consideration the reactions to our actions.  Like a man once told me pouting, sulking and dropping hints are not good strategies when you don’t get your way.  True gratification is mental so please give it some head.

Freckles' Thought for this day... Logic vs. Imagnination