Peace and Comfort

All I want for Christmas is my heart to be healed.  I want my daddy to walk through the door, smile, to hear him laugh, have him hug me tight, provide me with some direction, have a conversation, tell me a story from his past, tell me how much he loves my sister and I even my mother.  I would give anything to be able to hear his voice right now.  My mother has shared that she has some home videos.  I havent felt like I was ready but I think that I am.

Not a day goes by that I do not think of him.  Not a day goes by that I do not miss him.  Not a day goes by that I don't wish that I would have done this or that differently.  Every time I look at me I see him and that is tough but it does make it a little better for those moments.  I constantly feel like I repeat myself when I reference my daddy but it is how I feel often.  I write it out in lieu of having one of those ugly moments that are hard to come from.

In the last few months, I have had a couple of friends lose the men in their lives.  Their fathers, grandfathers and father figures.  My heart instantly goes to those friends as I know how it feels.  I do my best to be there for them.  In that I go through my own emotions.  It hurts as it does not seem to go away.  I mourn for them and for myself all over again.  I always hope that they know that I am always there no matter the time.  I emphathize with them from a place of love and comfort.

A season of comfort and joy can also be a time of sadness and grief.  This holiday will be the first for several that I know without love ones.  It is very difficult to reflect on the greatness of their lives when you miss them so much.  I know this feeling first hand.  I know how it feels to have your heart broken in a million little pieces and not be able to put them together like your favorite puzzle.  I also understand that I was blessed to have the love and a relationship with my daddy.  He was not a perfect man but he was beyond great to me.  I think about all the conversations, all the things that he taught me and constantly wish to have just one more hug, one more conversation, one more I love you. Simple one more lesson to make me better, feel my strength and kno w moe more through his heart and his eyes.

I pray peace and comfort to all those that go through a season of thanksgiving feeling lost, alone and not a completely full.  I pray peace and comfort to all those that I loved and losty peace and comfort for all those that have been able to fight through the grief to see all that there is to be thankful for in life.  Peace and Comfort to all that have taken a moment to reflect and remember all those that have lost a parent(s), grandparents and  parent figure.  Know that you are not alone and that there was love.

Peace and Comfort,

Freckles

mind movement - pardon the ramble

so, i am just sort of up right now and i really should be sleep since i have to get up for work in about 5 hours. craziness. i am just laying here well not really laying but i am here nonetheless with my eyes open and my mind moving. i am all over the place emotionally, drained mentally and i am just so tired. i am just so tired. tired all of the time.  i feel emotional all of the time.  i do my best to hold it all together and i do my best to be there for everyone. it is so much easier to be for other people.  i don’t really have a focus at this moment.  i need improvements. 

things in my head tend to move fast all the time and every now and then people can catch it all over my face.  i am often so in my feelings that i cut off from people.  i pull back which is not the right thing to do all the time but i just need to be able to hear him but i feel like i am missing something. 

as grown as i am, im not which is kind of crazy too.  i often feel all alone in a world full of people. not that i am the only one going through anything but again the selfish me is on in my feelings and my self pity that i am not open.  the last time i opened my heart it got broken and i am having a hard time completely getting over it. there are times when i am just cool with it all and then there are times that i just miss what i thought we could have been. all that i wanted us to be.  that too may have been all in my head. 

i just feel alone. alone in my thoughts, feelings and my desires. i don’t really know what i am suppose to be doing with my life but i do know that i need more money and more ambition.  i need some passion and hope.  i need to not feel so alone when i am so blessed to have people in my life that love me and genuinely care about me.  that is awesome.  though some of my closest relationships feel strained or just kind of different.  have you ever just wished that things were as they use to be and/or there was really an easy button?  i need some easy.  i need some give.  i really need to stop all this damn crying.  my nose swells when i cry. 

my mother is super amazing.  she doesn’t know how strong she is and that she is so much like her mother which is funny because i am so much like her.  i am grateful to her and she keeps me from really giving up.  i owe her so much and i just have to be better.  do better.

i saw a lady that lost her husband a couple of weeks ago cry and be comforted by her daughter. everyone around seemed so caught up with the mother that they didn’t think about the daughter. losing your father changes you forever.  it makes you have to create a new normal.  i know that feeling and its tough.  i miss him every day. i would give anything to just hear his voice.  i wish that my daddy was here and that is selfish.  i swear the day that he died a piece of me did too.  it just seems so final well i suppose that it is but it has been almost 3 years.  though it is easier to deal with day to day – it’s the random moments of sadness that consume me.  they throw me off. i miss him.  i wish he was here.  i wish that i could hear his voice and sometimes i just want to talk about it but decide against it and just hold it in and keep it to myself.  how many times can any person hear me go on and on and on about my daddy? i am sure there are people in my life that wouldn’t mind but i am already enough of a burden. anyway i am tired. pardon the ramble.

Head, Anyone?

Head. Give. Get. Take. Ask or Not.

DISCLAIMER:  This is a touchy subject and I thought long and hard (no pun intended) about stimulating this conversation amongst adults but I deem it necessary.  Again, this is only one interpretation that should offer some assistance and thought to all parties.  Some will agree and others will disagree – all are ok and accepted.  This is a two sided conversation and is more than the initial attention grabber.  Please take into consideration that this conversation is meant for mature adults that can handle all verbiage being used.  Thank you and shall we proceed.

Speak into the mic, just kiss it or lick it a little bit, puff the pipe – it won’t make you choke, say hello to my lil friend (yes some are smaller than others), blow the whistle, it won’t get hard if you don’t help it out,  or simply can I get some head?  All said while trying to guide head to head.  I am sure that there are several ladies that could create a list that would both be ridiculous and ironic.  It is amazing the things that some men come up with saying in order to get some “head”.  I do not understand some men’s desire or need to ask for some head, penis suckage or fellatio. 

There is nothing wrong with a little head.  We all like to receive it but honestly we don’t all like to give it.  Most importantly there are women that don’t always think that it is the sexiest thing to do.  Some like it, love, adore it, can’t stand it and would rather just do it regular.  Generally the point of us hooking up would be for enjoyment unless you’re selfish which many are (both sides).  It should not have to be negotiated after all, we all profess to be adults right? Don’t get me wrong I get it.  I understand that it feels good and possibly looks very sexy to feel the warmth and wetness along with the softness of her lips along your man muscle. The pleasure of laying back, relaxing and not having to take control of the sexual situation.  I get it.  I also understand that is a part of sex and yes I like it done to me of course when done correctly.  Both, like less biting and teeth used – we agree. However, question is why ask or why are you ok with asking for some head?

For some, oral sex is more intimate than actual intercourse and is a bigger leap of faith.  After all its all right there and it’s your mouth and we both… well, we will just say that it is something to think about if you are a not so clean person.  We don’t always ask the necessary questions outside of are you disease free.  Does she brush her teeth or take care of her mouth – does he use soap and clean down under his balls?  And vice versa. I mean really – we all need to be a bit more selective and more concerned.  The world is a very crazy place these days. {JUST A THOUGHT – you cannot suck or lick on every or anybody}.  Then there is the matter of what am I getting out of the deal especially if we are not a long term situation?  Seriously, after you nut, if you get to that point, do you have come back, is that it, will you be returning the favor and do you expect this all the time? I would like to believe that it can be more of the preliminary step, a kind of foreplay, rather than the main event and it’s not always done accordingly but each and every situation is different.  Govern yourself according.

Just a few thoughts that run through mind quickly after the initial inquiry but my main point of thought is, Why are you even asking?  I don’t get that.  It seems like if it is going to happen it’s going to happen and it should not be expected but moreso appreciated. If we are random to each other or not necessarily exclusive what makes it be necessary.  After all if it didn’t automatically happen, what makes you think that you are worth the service?  Now, I don’t want to hurt any feelings or even offend anyone but did you consider that this service is given to some and only a privilege to others or that you just don’t meet the desire.  A woman will initiate her desires, please believe – have you thought about that?  Have you ever sat back and considered the willingness of some and the reluctance of others.  Think about it!!!  I have often wondered if the inquiry comes from a selfish a place or is it one of those activities that should be added to my resume under the skill section.  Should a chick be flattered that you thought of her enough to ask her to suck you off or get you started?  Should she feel privileged that you say that she is so good that you just want it all the time?  Should she think that it is in the best interest of her health and womanhood to proceed or that you may not attracted otherwise?  When you ask do you consider that you may be taking the joy or desire from her?  Do you even think with your actual head before asking for head?

It’s funny that this seems to be an ongoing debate or even a conversation that is always not agreed upon.  It’s one of those touchy subjects that is sometimes felt uncalled for or uncivilized.  Us all being grown has nothing to do with giving or even receiving.  It is the comfort to all parties involved.  The real inquiry here is we don’t all think about what we are doing before we do it.  We do not always take into consideration the reactions to our actions.  Like a man once told me pouting, sulking and dropping hints are not good strategies when you don’t get your way.  True gratification is mental so please give it some head.

Freckles' Thought For this Day...

There's always a little truth behind every 'just kidding.'
little knowledge behind every 'I don't know.'
A little emotion behind every 'I don't care.'
A little love behind every 'I hate you!'
A little uneasiness behind every 'I'm okay.'
A little pain behind every 'forget it.'
A little fear behind every 'leave me alone.'
A little hope behind every 'goodbye.'
And a little 'something' behind every 'nothing.'

Author Unknown But Very Much Appreciated!