Unloaded: Betrayal of the "best" dude

Betrayal has a way with toying with your psychological process of dealing with people and sometimes takes you out of your character.  It not only hurts but is painful in a way that changes the dynamic of your spirit.  It is the slow uncomfortable screw that tends to linger without hope of pushing through the surface.  There so many questions and not enough answers.  It is the effect without any cause.  It is the lack of logic the taints your emotions.  I have been betrayed and taken for granted in the worse way by a person that I not only loved and cared about but someone that held in high regard as my extended family.  This person has taken my heartfelt love as a weakness and disrespected it in a way that cannot be forgotten at this moment is not forgiven.  Now I need to release these emotions.  They are no longer conducive to my being.  Again, it is a process that it is not taken lightly as this baggage is unloaded.

UNLOADED:  After over 20 years of so called friendship, I will no longer be needing your presence in my life.  I will accept and recognize it all for what it was, a moment in time when I thought that you were a stand up dude.  A dude that was supposed to be the best in all attributes of what was known as friendship.    Once upon a time you were respected and appreciated.  There were times that you were the one that turned to for guidance and/or a listening ear.   I was your secret keeper, voice of reason and even good for a long walk.  There was a time when taking care of the body was important.  There was a time when the heart was real.  There was a time that I never questioned your intentions.  We confided in each other in a way that more family the friend.  There were what I thought were real heart to hearts of aspirations, dreams and desires.  I thought you were better than this and I expected better than this with you.   There were plenty of family events, birthdays, wedding planning and even the tears when I moved to Atlanta.  It all feels like it was a fallacy.

 

We were the dynamic duo for time and even had some deep heart to hearts about what were suppose to be future endeavors. We went through life with a few bumps in the road but found our way back to friendship.  I missed you in that time and found a way to let you back in.  We were family.  Our family was family.  It was suppose to be all good.  We were supposed to be a forever kind of good, so I thought.  Your blatant disrespect for my family is a new all time low for you and I have to admit that I am more than surprised.  I would have never believed that you were such a liar, manipulator and deceiver. I do not know what is going on in your head but I cannot believe that your heart is any good.  Your word means nothing and I just do not understand.  Somewhere you got lost.  The connection drifted and you changed or maybe you didn’t change but became comfortable with your faulty character.  You lost your moral integrity.  You got the game twisted.  You lost the love and the respect and in return there is no respect.

I reached out on more than one occasion expressing how I felt and tried to see if the dude that was my best dude for so many years was still there and nothing came from it.  Even once you claimed to be sorry and that you were going to move forward you did not and have not.  It sucks that this is who you are but most of all it hurts.  My forever friend who would never do anything to hurt me or my family did just that in a major way and has managed to show no remorse once however.  Wow.  I hope that it was worth it.  I hope that you move on with your life and continue to disregard my being.  I no longer wish to know you or your representative.  There is no need to ever have any additional dialogue about anything ever. I am releasing you and all of this unnecessary drama that you have created.  I hope that all recognize you for who you are and avoid any interaction with your bull.  Thank you for showing me who you are. Peace out dude.

my broken heart

So much life has been happening and I am having a hard time keeping my head and my heart in sync.  There are so many things to be thankful for and I am grateful that I don’t look like all of what is going on within me.  It all feels like a constant struggle to keep up with my happiness and still feel the pain.  My heart hurts and I am tired. 

Death has a way of bringing on so many emotions and while it is bittersweet the bitter tends to linger a while.  Heartbreak is a real thing but I only wish that it was not as strong as I feel that I have given it credit.   It looms over my spirit and I fight so hard to not succumb to it suffrage.  I wish to not be captive to but it has taken up residency.

Heartbreak became very real when my daddy died yet he looked so peaceful.  It was final.  There was nothing to be said of felt again.  I can still feel that moment when it occurred.  It took my breath away and I felt my heart break.  The release was too much as I couldn’t catch my breath.  Every emotion came over me at one time and it was too much.  That cry still scares me to this day.  I do not wish that on anyone.  It just hurts real bad and there is nothing you can do but just feel it.  It absolutely sucks and sucks everything out of you for a period and never goes away.  There comes a point where it is just bearable for a time until it feels up for release.  I miss my daddy every day and it was time to not cry and hurt like that every day.

In January, my grandmother died after a period with Alzheimer.  I watched her change but she was still here.  There were still moments where she was herself all the way to the end.  When I got that phone call, my heart broke again.  I couldn’t believe it.  I thought that I had a little more time and I couldn’t get myself together.  My knees gave out and I was paralyzed with grief. I could feel my heart break piece by piece and there was nothing I could do about it.  This feeling reminded me of losing my daddy which brought a myriad of emotions yet this was centered.  It hurt and continues to hurt and at this point I almost cannot cipher between which break I feel moment to moment.

These two people were my everything.  They were a source of strength, my wise counsel, my spirit builders, truth givers and peace makers.  The world feels very different without them in it.  I can completely feel the lack of their presence especially in my life.  I miss them deeply and as go through this journey I know they gave me some great things to carry with me yet I miss their beings.  That part is still hard to handle from moment to moment.

Day 5: List 5 places that I would like to visit

5 Places that I Want to Visit

in no particular order

1. Barbados - I am guilty of loving beaches and all places warm.  Being from California, the water isn't as clear and the sand is not as white.  I love different cultures and would love to experience something different.

2. Cape Town - Of course the Motherland has to be on the list. 



3. Nashville with my husband and kids so that they can experience
my Alma Mater, the illustrious Fisk University.


4.  Fiji Momi Bay Resort - I am fascinated with the rooms on the water. I am all about an experience.

5. Jamaica of course it is all about the beaches, waterfalls and the food.

Day 4: Write about someone who inspires you.

 I am continuously inspired by those that have keep on keepin' on.  I am inspired by those that pick themselves up and simply carry on regardless of the hand that is dealt.  Life is not easy.  There is so much going on in the world, in our cities, neighborhoods and even homes.  You almost never know all of what someone is going through in their personal time (lives) unless they outright share it.  Yet in still I know so many simply going through (keyword - through).  There are the jobless and they thank goodness I have this job so that I can live some sort of life. There are the homeless and the thank goodness I have a place to lay my head even though all of this is going on around me.  There is the mad, angry and alone but yet in still let me keep this smile on my face masking all just another day.  The list goes on and on.  I am especially inspired by those that take the time to care for others.  

Presently, I am watching my mother care for her mother.  She is doing the best that she can to hold it all together and some days are a lot better than others.  My grandmother has Alzheimer disease and it has just reached a point where it is becoming just too much to handle and bare knowing that this is reality. I am listening to overwhelm and doubt set in accompanied by pain and fear.  My grandmother is the matriarch of our family (and my last grandparent).  At some point she has helped and taken care of everyone.  She has been hope, prayers, shelter, food, laughs, truth and love.  Most of all she has always been the strongest person we have all known and now she is weak.  Some days she is resistant and other days she is her joyful pleasant self yet those days are falling very far and between. She is sometimes mean and so often confused.  It is hard to see a person acknowledge that they are losing their mind.  It is hard to deal with the  reverting moments.  It is hard to try to make them drink water, walk to the bathroom and bathe.  It is hard to go to work and do a job most efficiently knowing that all of this is going on at home.  It is hard to feel alone and as if you must monitor what to share or simply mask on trying to make the world believe that it is all alright especially when you are breaking inside.  Life on hold for the most part and every attempt to steal away for a moment is filled with guilt.  It is all a myriad of emotions constantly but still standing.

I am inspired by mother taking care of her mother and still standing regardless of all that she is feeling and going through.  I have had the pleasure to be her confidante and listen when she needs to vent or a hug through the phone.  I try to be her person.  I am constantly trying to remind her of her greatness that is not weakness.  It takes a strong person to be a care giver to a loved one.  It is a lot all the time especially when you do not know which version of them they are presently.  I am inspired by her strength that she believes is nonexistent, her heart that feels already broken and her love that is absolutely endless.  I am inspired that even though and through it all she has not gotten hard.  She is still somewhat soft and she is still good to so many, even more than they deserve.  She inspires me to be a better woman every day.

Day 3: What are you top 3 Pet Peeves?

TOP 3 PET PEEVES

in no particular order

* GRAMMATICAL ERRORS  - I try my best not to be the grammar police (though I am always correcting to myself) but there is nothing like a meme that is so awesome but I WILL NOT POST because the grammar is incorrect and apparently no one knows any such tense.

* SIDE CHICK GLORIFICATIONS - I cannot with this foolery. GET YO ENTIRE LIFE!!!

*INCONSIDERATION – inconsiderate of time, feelings and people. It aint hard (I know that is not correct but someone speaks ebonics and understood). If there is an issue stay in your own lane

Day 2: Write something that someone told you about yourself that you never forgot.

GET YOUR HEART AND MIND ALIGN SO YOU CAN BE WHOLE

When my daddy dies it seemed as if my entire life rapidly fell apart.  I lost my job and my car.  I was all over the place emotionally and I cannot even share what my mental was like.  It was  crash and burn time period. I didn't know how I was going to make it or where my next anything was coming from while trying to cypher out what me new normal was to be with my daddy gone.  It was all too much so many days.  I recall the pain and heartache and the get yourself together and find a job.  After a couple of months, my mom finally said it.  pack your stuff and come home (back to LA) once your lease it up. She said that Atlanta will be there and you can always go back but you gotta get your head and your heart align so that you can be whole.  This is no way to go through life. 

And I did.

It turned out to be a wonderful decision that truly allowed me to heal (to an extent) and deal with all of the things that I was feeling in a productive manner.  I was able to take my time and be surrounded with people that loved on me in a way that I would not have experienced if I had stayed in Atlanta.  It wasn't my time and sometimes you have to give in to reach your potential.  I am grateful for that time and all of the relationships that were cultured during that time.

Day 1: List 10 Things that Make You Really Happy.

In no particular order

1. no longer being single makes me really happy.  The struggle was real and I have to admit there was a time that I wasn't sure if marriage was ever really going to happen for me.  I am happy that I was eventually receptive to this man.  He has brought a passion into my life that I didn't know was missing.

2. My husband's love and support of me and my family makes me happy.  It is not every day that a person can truly love his inlaws in a way that is like his very own. I love and appreciate that about him.  It makes me extremely happy to know that we journey through life together with such love.

3. I am happy to know that I have really wonderful people in my life that simply want the very best for me.  It has a long road to friendship which leads me to #4

4. I am happy to know and have such discernment which piggybacks on my #3.  Throughout life there are times when your  thoughts, beliefs and love for people are tested.  I have not always passed those test.  There have been times when people have stayed around a lot longer than they should have (I allowed it) and it sometimes clouded my judgement on people that were for me.  This makes me really happy.

5. fantastic eyelashes and lipstick makes me happy.  not a typical something but these girly things are awesome to me.

6. My new children make me happy in a way that I did not know was possible.  I am newly married and do not plan on having children of my own but thankfully my husband came with kids that are pretty awesome.  It is a major transition but it has proven to be fairly rewarding thus far.

7. Music makes me really happy.  Real Music with great lyrics and not just a hot beat.

8. LOVE makes me really happy.  Again, I have amazing people in my life that I genuinely love through the thick of it,  Being so far away has truly made me solidify how much these people mean to me.

9.  Brunch makes me really happy when you're amongst like minded people that believe that cocktails are necessary

10. WORDS - I always feel that I have so much to say but always want to be understood.  I try my best to use my words to the best of my ability.

30 day writing challenge

90 Days...

Today we celebrate our probation period. We have survived, grown and learn a lot about each other. The benefits far out weigh my expectations. My expectations were more than happily ever after but I can honestly say that for the first time in life I am truly just happy with life. We are simply sweet and sometimes sexy. The sexy is the greatest of the benefits.

I am grateful that though it has not been easy with my transition, you've been super accommodating. Thank you. It is not always easy and with this journey we are definitely learning each other. I'm dealing with you single man ways and you try to adjust to all my girly ways but somehow we just make it all work.

I'm so in love with you and being your wife is my greatest joy. I'm glad that you found me when you did. The timing couldn't have been better. We were on the same page at the same time.  Our communication still amazes me. I have never had this kind of mental stimulation consistently before you and love the way that you are so into me, my heart and my spirit. Your encouragement has been monumental and it makes me strive to be better every day. I love the way you make me feel even when you're on my last nerve. Those times challenge me most since we are so in this and I feel like the Lord surely is teaching me patience. Merciful Lord.

I believe in us and our future. I believe that we are suppose to be together. I believe that this 90 days are the first of many to come.  I believe that we will be able to endure all the storms and love each through it.  I am so blessed to be able to continue to live life as your friend, your lover and your wife.  

Dude, I hella love you. Happy 90 days!

Merry 38 (It's my birthday)

So, It's my birthday and I cannot help but to have mixed emotions caressing my brain.  The last

couple of months have been a lot of transition and change which are not really there same things. There are levels to these emotions.  Serious Levels.

I am so blessed and I truly do not want to take any moment for granted or not be ever so appreciative to all the wonderful things that have transpired.  I am married to one of the dopest and he is so in love with me.  It is really rather awesome and it is all that I have every truly wanted.  Being able to know that God is so real has been fantastical.  I never would have been ready before now.  He definitely readied this man just for me.  I actually married before 49 too.  #winning

However I cannot ignore the emptiness that is still a present reality.  I miss my family and my breezies.  The breezies are my hometown crew.  The friends that have truly become family.  They are the women that I have spent my birthday with for the last few years and the women that have had my back (for the most part).  My loves, my companions and my _____.  It had been quite the transition without them.  We all lived fairly close and very convenient. Not too mention, I tend to have the best functions with them all included.  They all seemed to assist wherever. It is just different but it is not in the wrong way.  It is all just very different and I am not completely sure how to handle all of these feelings.  It is truly a conflict.

i am so blessed to make it here.  I am in such a different season and there has been some real adulting happening but I am so grateful to be able to go through life with him.  I am thankful to be his wife and his friend.  We had a birthday drink at  midnight.  We sat back and talked and hella laughed.  It was so simple yet to special.  We are so cool.  We just chill.  I love that about us and just really having a friend in my boo.  It feels real good.

I am grateful to look back upon life and see the growth that has transpired.  I am a good woman with room to grow but I am a good woman nonetheless.  I am a good friend, sister, daughter and wife even stepmother (I will revisit this at some point).  i am proud of the woman that I am striving to become.  It is pretty cool.

I do not have too many plans today but I figure that i am going to go to dinner but we are planning a little function this weekend to celebrate which is definitely something to look forward to.  A time to be able to be social and possibly see some folks that I haven't had an opportunity to see since I have been back.  There are some faces that I am looking forward to seeing and hope that they show up.  We shall see.  Ia m trying to muster some excitement.

Cheers to 38...

Bittersweet Transparency

In this moment, right now, I am feeling all sorts of stuff and I do not quite know where to begin.  All in my head with so much on my mind and plenty of time to think and even over think. I tend to think this way and that way from every point of view with cause and effect and how it will or can affect.  There is just so much on my mind.  I am feeling love, curiosity and all sorts of doubt.  I am simply feeling.  

I spent so much of my adulthood praying, hoping and loving love and now I have it.  It is such a beautiful place to be and while there is not suppose to be a but there is a but that is so bittersweet.  I have the absolute pleasure of living life with the love of my life.  I get to see him every day and love him, encourage him and kiss him every day.  I try my best to make sure he knows how much I love and appreciate him, his love and his care. He is such an amazing person with a beautiful spirit that listens to my heart.  That's the easy part.  After we got married in July, I moved from Los Angeles back to Atlanta to be my husband's wife.  This transition has been rather bittersweet.  While I love and truly adore being with him, I left all that was my normal and even once my reality.  My heart and spirit misses those connections and interactions deeply.  The convenience of those interactions sprinkled with a multitude of smiles, infectious laughs, precious moments of love and just genuine friendship.  These friends have become family along with my immediate family being my mother and my sister.  The family that I chose and have grown accustom to having instant access to at most times to not physically at all have been tougher than I would have or could have imagined. After all this is not the first time that I have moved away or even gone away.  This move was not all of a sudden and was very well planned and known for a long while BUT it is very real.  What I feel is very real and it is painful to tears at points.  I often feel very much alone with only myself to comfort.  I just have to feel it and endure each moment without the physical connection.  My love is genuine and very real.  It is whole and complete without fault and all sorts of faith. I am so grateful and yet I feel so guilty for feeling while I am so blessed with all this love. I am human. A human simply feeling.

so much on my mind...

I truly just hate to see bad things to happen to good people especially those that I love.  The kind of people that simply are just good and nice people that seems to not have a malicious bone in their body.  The kind of people that you just want the absolute best for them just because they are simply awesome.  I can’t stand it.  It makes me wanna holler. I mean truly holler because there is nothing I can do to truly help or be able to take the pain away. Nobody wants to hear I am praying for you or Trust and believe that God will not give you more than you can handle.  Ha.  Because in the moment all you can feel is the shit that you are dealing with and wondering if He blinked.  My only bright side is the faith that I almost tend to question.  How can I an awesome God allow these folks to endure such pain then it is faith of a mustard seed and the logic of through is an action word.  My heart aches and seemingly bleeds for those that I love going through life changing, character building and sometimes devastating experiences.  My heart goes to them and I feel pain, hurt and injustice.  Along with that pain goes into all the matters of the world.  ALL of them that go spoken and unspoken with anger and chaos.  I simply feel.  I feel for my friend and her husband dealing with the legal system, dealing with their family strife and the day to say struggles of being black in America.  I feel for my friend's friend that lost her husband to cancer with two small boys to raise with her tribe.  I feel for my friend that is trying her best to be productive and be the best mother she can be with all that matters of her mind holding her captive.  I feel for the friend that is simply tired of keeping it together for everyone else and that feels as if she has nothing left to give.  I feel for every friend that had lost someone that they love and are left putting the pieces together and simply trying to hold on taking it minute by minute.  I feel for those that are just in the world lost and trying to find their place.  I simply feel... and there is so much on my mind.

So much on my mind...

Along with all this change, I must change and change no matter how much for the better it is, it is hard.  It feels like I am constantly in battle with myself as if I am trying to resist that change that I have always wanted yet I want to remain in the comfort.  Love is easy but marriage is hard.  There is so much trust that goes into this yet it is so rewarding.  I try to be patient with myself and kind to him in the process.  I am very imperfect and my intentions are good (most of the time) yet I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated.  Too many feelings and not enough outlets.  Too many feelings and not enough comfort.  I often wish that I didn't feel so deeply for so many as well as myself.  The desire is real.  I want the most and I am just trying to release and purge some of this.  

so much on my mind...

The world is a very scary place which seems to ironic when there is so much love in that feels as

if it should cure so much.  Race Relations are real and I feel the pain of being a black woman often and try not to give into the frustration of anger.  In my head being the change I would like to see is not enough.  I feel that pain of loving a black man in America and hoping that he comes home every day as well as my sons.  Be respectful and kind yet be black at the same time. hard and I am feeling.  I strive to be a good person that doesn't allow all the matters of the world to make me bitter yet it is hard.  I feel so many things and I am not sure how to voice it without sounding as if it is woe is me.  There just has to be more.  It takes too much energy to be angry and that is energy that I just don't feel like I have to give because I am already consumed.  My emotions have me full and at my limit.  

open to change. Am I really?

I may have to dig through the bad days just to get to the good ones. And yes I may fall, I may tumble...but I will not crumble.

It is hard..I just keep repeating the verse, "Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world." 1 John 4:4

EVERYTHING has changed and I am just trying to appreciate every moment.  

Currently collecting my thoughts.

FLASHBACK FRIDAY: Growing into me... (in the drafts)

Is God pleased with me?

This statement echoes in my mind even now. This took me in several different directions and encouraged some self reflection along with some praise.

I have made some mistakes, told some lies and have not always liked the person that I was. wow, right? Yeah, that is what I think. It is what it is and its something to put it out there like that.

You see, I once was a person that felt the need to be validated by people, things and titles. My need for validation was like a drug. It never seemed like enough. I always needed something additional to top the last high. This drug turned me into aomeone and something else. It made me forget who I was and it mildly over powered my faith in self and in God. It is a very sad place to be but in the moment it feels good and feels real.

Validation is...

Here is my testimony...

God is awesome and sometimes you have to go through alittle something in order to see how awesome He really is. I am not here to telt anyone who or what to believe in but I am here to share my testimony.

As I am slowly approaching 30, I am blessed to have the opportunity to see me in a better light. I am in a wonderful place called contentment. There are people that go their entire lives without being able to look inthe mirro and like/love the images that stares back. There are people that do nota allow themselves the opportunity to see themselves (the good the bad and the ugly)

LA inspired Respiration

[Mos Def and crew]
So much on my mind I just can't recline
Blastin holes in the night til she bled sunshine
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline
Yo how the bass ride out like an ancient mating call
I can't take it y'all, I can feel the city breathing
Chest heavin, against the flesh of the evening
Kiss the Ide's goodbye, I'm on the last train leaving

So much on my mind I just can't recline

From where I sit, I look over the hood and so much as changed.  People have changed, the feel has changed the integrity is no longer valid.  Once upon a time there was some sort of love for the hood but now it has dwindled down.  It’s not all for the better but not all for the worse.  I see planes fly across smoggy skies but on a clear day my downtown is visual.  The ghetto bird hovers most nights bringing attention to the overrated element of who’s hood is it with territories marked on sidewalks, walls, buildings, peoples garage doors and even sometimes the church.  Yes, the blatant disrespect is prevalent.  I remember a time when passing cars would turn down the music when passing a church during service.  A time when marking territory didn’t include the dwellings of God’s temples in the hood but as I stated the hood has changed.  This was a time when there was some sort of respect and someone’s house, church or neighborhood businesses were not marked by individuals claiming territory that is not necessarily theirs to claim.  When folks in the hood weren’t held captive by bars to feel safe in a place of the American dream was consumed by unemployment and foreclosures in spite of red/blue claims that don’t really belong to them without no real pride or care for the hood.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

Once upon a time Parks Market was on 92^nd and Western.  Their store

sat right off the corner as extended family watching the kids grow up and create a place that was constant and ever present force for generations.  They loved, knew neighbors by name and even employed the hood.  The Parks were the corner fresh meat and even fried fish market always open and generally available.  Now as I sit back and look over that off the corner lot all that is left is a piece of the foundation  to the building the held Mr. and Mrs. Parks for so long and was so positive.  Their place of hope lost.  The hope to rebuild didn’t give fuel to their desire.  Now a Dollar Tree but not of the growing family friendly kind.  It is just an existing presence.  All that exist is the liquor store across that makes money supplying some drunken tangents in a parking lot housing used condoms from the strawberries of the night.  The devastation with conflict of mind and giving up on all that could have been.  I see folks living for their work along with their dealing and scheming.  We all have a story but it’s just said to see my people doped up, cracked in and strung out.  Their heavily medicated souls estranged from their minds.  I look over it and across it all and my soul is disturbed.  It’s just sad seeing the hood not live to its potential.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

In the city of angels where we tend to bleed purple and gold supporting our hometown boys doesn’t keep the dope boys constantly stand watch shaking hands and staring at girls no yet old enough to understand the functions of their temple yet they speak of sharing it with each other and almost any other.  They don’t want to hold onto their innocence in hopes of growing up quick and having matchless materials or attention from what they may or may not have had.  There is now a time where sex is too often taken for granted and not so much into the pleasure.  All for more attention and even more attention confusing lust for love the some smoking and snorting to escape the reality.  The reality of babies having babies, some misusing their babies for the next high due to strung heads wandering dark sheets seeking the next hit of whatever, however with whomever only discovering forever lost innocence.  Yet the go along with their stories untold with ass cheeks hanging in site attempting to attract their next dollar but its mumbled across the hood yet there is no help or encouragement given. No love, little hope and just simply trying to make it. Damn the hood has changed or has it only just become more visible as it was all done in the dark and has all come to light.

So much on my mind I just can't recline

Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline

The large span of land surrounded by water divided by so many cities and so many ethnic groups. My hood was once white when my grandparents bought their home and then it when my mother graduated from high school in the same hood it grew very black and now as I have grown up, moved away and came back it has become more brown.  The complexions vary but the hood is still changing.  The crime is black on black and brown on brown and sometimes conflicts to black and brown.  My hood has a church on almost every other corner yet there is a need for more than a little prayer.  The overrated affiliates prey over their red and blue in my black and brown hood with no real care for the hood we all share.  Breathe in the hope that they will see the banging is not a true way of life and keepin it real will make you casualty of abnormal normality.  It won’t continue to be a place where what set you’re from won’t conclude with life taken.  Just to leave the hood to go to another is along the 405, 110, 105 and it’s simple to hop on the 207, 105, and 550 to just get away. No matter the situation there is always sunshine and gloom in the same moment.  The sky is clear and it may be a beautiful day but it never dismisses the things that go on in the hardly ever quiet hood but like Cube stated you always look forward to the opportunity to say today was a good day.

Skyscrapers is colossus, the cost of living
is preposterous, stay alive, you play or die, no options
No Batman and Robin, can't tell between
the cops and the robbers, they both partners, they all heartless
With no conscience, back streets stay darkened
Where unbeliever hearts stay hardened

Mos Def

Not knowing the ways'll get you capped like an NBA salary
Some cats be emceeing to illustrate what we be seeing
Hard to be a spiritual being when shit is shakin what you believe in
Talib Kweli

In my Fantasies, Love is...

In my fantasies, love is supposed to feel more than wonderful.  Full of warm fuzzy feelings and fireworks of chemistry.  It’s supposed to be mutual without limitations or boundaries.  It lasts through good days and bad days.  Days that I can’t stand him and he may not like me.  It’s laughter and tears.  It is incomplete sentences, conversational looks, inside jokes and confirmed l high fives.  Love is improperly improper, sometimes weird and a little immature.

Realistically, Love isn’t always patient and not always kind but it is understanding and filled with compromise.  It’s special, sweet and sometimes sexy.  It is intimate kisses, sensual touches  and comforting hugs.  Love is honor and loyalty.   It is simple truth and alternative facts.  It is trust and friendship.  Love is compiled of long walks, long talks upon a multitude of subjects and simply enjoying each other’s company.  Love is two imperfectly whole people uniting into completion. 

In my fantasies, love is supposed to be open to the possibilities and potential excitement about the future.  It is the desire to be in his space and he invading mine.  It is being relaxed in my skin and being ok with him seeing me not always being at my absolute best.  It’s being mindful of what’s said while trying to articulate what is being felt.  Love is not always being right and being ok with no ego.    It is powerfully courageous, constantly growing and deeply devoted with our devotion to spiritually cover each other solidifying that our team is solid with the Most High lighting our path.  It is some doubt mixed with some curiosity and always acknowledging the love.   

In my fantasies, love is truly knowing without a doubt that he loves me in spite of me, my flaws and even my petty.  He loving to be in my presence and hold me close, and I wanting to be as close as much as possible.  Love is quality time with each other and families as well as friendship introductions.  Love is his relationship with my mother, my family and friends that have become family.  Love is his dedication to know them and love their love for me and then us as a unit.  Love is me not having children and embracing his as my own.  Love is peace and prayer with his ability to read me scripture and relate it to us.  Love is praying over that point of scripture together as we converse about our forever.   It is knowing that He leads us and covers our union.  Love is praying for him prior to meeting him and seeing God bless me with the desire of my heart. Love is scriptures written to be read.  Love is Ruth to Boaz. 

In my fantasies, love is not knowing how much I needed him until he entirely gave me his heart and in spite of my “independence” acknowledging that we all have a past.   It is surrendering my being with no regret.  It is being careful who I share my soul with but being able to recognize the God in him to exhale.  Love is being consciously aware and him mentally taking me there.  Love is being free to be vulnerable with him and knowing that it is respected, protected and appreciated.  It is that I know that he is willing to teach but more importantly willing to learn. After all nobody knows it all.  Love is genuinely knowing without a shadow of doubt that I am his chosen one and only as well as the end all be all. It is never questioning how he feels and always acknowledging that God’s love, grace and mercy is our foundation.

Love is recognizing that my fantasy has become my reality.  I am so in love and he loves me back.  I have waited, not always patiently, for the right kind of love from the right man that was truly meant to be man enough to love me and still be the man.  I couldn’t imagine that love could be so wonderful and such a blessing to my existence and I am truly looking forward to loving us and keeping the fantasy alive. 

***Cues up LOVE ALL OVER ME by Monica ***

It was Storming...

The wind blew and the trees swayed while the rain began to fall. The rain was cold in competition with the crispiness of the air.  The sky grew dark and the colors were many shades of gray.  The feel was somber and my spirit felt a nervous calmness.  The storm was coming.  The clouds were full of despair and at the capacity with only the ability to release all of sadness, frustration, anger and most of all fear.  Fear of the absolute unexpected and the realization that destruction looms. 

Destruction has been a constant the last few years.  It has been surrounding and affecting so many people as well as impacting all that has been obtained, collected, built and established.  The storm has no regard to these matters and is insistent on releasing all the pressure.  As the sky begins to cry slowly the air continues to chill.  The shift in the temperature unsettles the spirit and seeking a refuge is the initial thought with worry straddling behind.  The wind becomes fierce and the tree sway becomes more of an uncoordinated rock.  There was a brief calm before the sky let loose and the anger unconstrained in the form of rain.  The roar was reminiscent of a train and the lighting lit the sky almost like a fireworks show.  It is kind of amazing how poetic darkness and light can be in the midst.  In that moment I could relate to the storm.  It is almost scary how relevant the storm is to life.

Life is happening and can be a constant cyclone of emotion, a hurricane of disasters and more than enough rain to either have overflow of feelings.  Far too often I feel alone in the storm without a direction or any sort of peace.  All the matters of my heart conflict and rage into a frenzy that works me up and out without any regard to an outlet.  I don’t know which way to turn, who to talk to or if anyone tends to care about all the shit that is currently going in my head.  There is no regard for wrong right or indifferent.  There are only feelings.  Not enough this or desire for more of that, too much distance, family and friends under and over attack, not knowing where the next is coming from.  To not be sure if love is enough and if the transition will make me or break me down and if I will crumble under the pressures.  I miss my daddy and I need him to help put all of this into perspective.

My heart is heavy and full.  I tend to hold it all within but far too often the load gets heavy and there’s need for release.  Sometimes it doesn’t all make sense and everything is everywhere.  There have been so many natural disasters in the form of storms happening and life still continues.  No one is exempt from the storm no matter the race, orientation, and sex or other.  We all go and grow through things.  We all have a tendency to feel overwhelmed with life and the storm sometimes seems to be the most destructive circumstances.  I’m grateful that I am able to endure the storms of life and watch the aftermath flourish.  We can survive.

Back at this

Dear Daddy, It has been 7 Years...

Dear Daddy,

I cannot believe that it has been 7 entire years.  There was once a  moment when I did not know how I was going to be able to go on without you being present on this earth.  There was a time that I was not able to function and chose to dwell in my own sadness.  Those were the early days when my guilt and grief conflicted far too often to even be able to fully function.  I miss you and the days have gotten easier.  My heart is full of you more than not but I can maint my composure but there are still moments where my heart is full and broken and allI want to do is hear your voice, feel your strength and acknowledge that you were my hero.  Your easy going demeanor, as it relates to me allowed me to think and hear my desires in a differnt way.  The connection was one of the most beautiful things in the world.  You allowed me to come to you upon a multitudes of subjects and just be and feel and then challenged me to think.  It was never about you.  You listened and passed no judgements.  You allowed me to be for a moment even it was all in my emotions.  You then asked questions that were open ended and told me to hear myself.  I miss that from you. 

In the last 7 years so much has changed and change is a constant right now.  While I am trying to roll, I feel a strong need for some of your wise council.  I need your workds, your heart and your soul.  I need to talk to you but I need you to repond in your words of your heart and of your soul.  I need that and at this very moment I feel very much incomplete which takes me back to the moment that I was told that you took your last breath.  I that moment is all to real to me often and I sometimes wonder why the good Lord thought I was strong enough to be able to handle you no longer being here, of course that is my selfish self becuase of course it all about me.  My logical self was truly at peace when I first saw you laid there well dress and simply sleeping.  I hadnt seen that sort of peace upon your face any many years - 15 to exact.  It was ok.  You were frinally no longer in battle or conflict or unhappiness.  You were whole.

While your departure gives me knowledge of great heartbreak, it has made me stronger in some ways.  In these 7 years, I have been available to many that have lost their fathers.  I have been given the right words and they heart to be there and available.  There was a time that could not even imagine and I wish I couldnt feel their grief.  It is the kind of pain that I do not wish on anyone yet it is ineveitable. 

There are moments that I just wish and try to talk to you but I still get overwhelmed in emotions.  I wonder and wish and then just break.  There are times when I do not even allow myself to go into these moments because it is hard to come out.  These are the moment when it is hard to breath and the shortness of breath holds me captive to my hurt.  I miss you and even as a grown woman I need you.  I need you so bad and I have such a hard time with that because I know it is not gonna happen.  I wish you into my dreams just so that I can hear you voice and I hope you to be in the hallways to just see your face.  That unbelievable eye contact that confirmed your love for me.  Sometimes I stand in the mirror, not because I am vain but because these freckles in the mirror sometimes feel as if you are looking back at me.  I was so in love with you.  You are... or were... my first love. 

Since you died, I feel men differently. In all honesty, there were moments where I thought that a man would feel some of your void but that was short lived.  I developed a short toerance for BS and I would like to believe that you put that on me.  I was so blessed to have you talk to me as if I was your son so to speak.  You were, well seemingly comfortable with me coming to you upon my situations.  You kept it real and though I didnt know it at the time you showed me how a man should love me.  I always thought that you would be around and when you left love changed for me.  I needed your guidance but I believe that you and the Most High sent him into my life.  He is like you in many ways and I know you would have liked him.  Thank you.  I hurts now that you will never but I believe, wish and wonder what you had to do with the love that I have now.  It warms my heart.

I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy. I never had to question or doubt your love for me. EVER.  You were flawed and no, you were not perfect but the love you had for us was unquestionable. I miss you. I miss your life and all of our opportunities and potential. It is sometimes scares me that I cannot hear your voice. My mom has set aside some old VHS family videos that I am ready to watch.  I need your voice again.  I need to hear you.  I am grateful to have that.  There are times that I do not feel  you and there are even times that I hate that you are gone.  While I know that you will physically never come back I still hope, wish, wonder and pray you into my heart and dreams.  I yearn to feel you, see you and hear you.  I wish to hear you tell me you love me or you're proud of me.  I wish you could see how awesome sissy's kids are.  I wonder if you see me and truly see me. 

Daddy, it has been 7 years and I am still here.  Grateful fo you and still mourning you.  I miss you.  I need you I love you.

Loving you Forever and Ever,

Freckles 

My Birthday Eve – Reflection

TIME is an amazing thing.  The things that are learned and gone through in time.  At this point in TIME in my life… Where do I start? 

The chick that I was in my 20s was not comfortable in her own skin.  She didn’t love herself the way she should of and looked to people and titles and status for validation.  It ruled and ran her.  She lived in her own fantasy world where the lies kept her whole and established.  She didn’t have to deal with herself or just be herself.  One day it all came to an end.  People made it about them but it wasn’t.  It was only about her and shoe she needed to be which is me.   The woman that I am now and steadily striving to become is still flawed.  She still makes mistakes.  She has some wonderful attributes. She is a fighter and survivor.  

I have gone through some things.  They say that you are always going in, through or coming out of something.  There is always something going on.  While there was a time that it was always and never about me in the same time.  I have been blessed to have been in apposition that I had to deal with me.  Learn me acknowledge me and just get comfortable with me and being me… with and without…    I am grateful for that transition.  Within that I finally found a happy medium with me esteem of self and my body image.  I lost about 75-85 pounds and up and down at the last 15.  I have started gaining weight again but that is due to some other stuff but that is another situation for another TIME.  The struggle is a constant real thing but I am finally comfortable in my own skin. GRATEFUL.

Life has a way of happening with TIME and putting things in perspective and realizations.  I live in my emotions.  It is who I am and I do not apologize for it.  I try to be a good person.  I make mistakes.  I am human and I am not perfect but then again no one is but HE.  I have flaws that I am in tune with that I am working on and some I am not.  I do not apologize for that either.  I am grateful that I am in a place where I can realize and recognize my good with my not so pleasant that I refuse to call bad but moreso human.  I shut down and try my best not to react.   When I do react, it is often not in that situation but in a compiled matter of things that have built up in my shut down to conflict. I do not do conflict.  I can’t and choose not to.  All that will come will not belong to that individual situation.  Not the best but it is who I am.  I grew up with people (family) that maliciously said things in moment that will never be able to be taken back.  I heard them in those moments.  They hurt and I refuse to hurt someone else with words that cannot be take back once spoke.  This tongue can get malicious and I am a beast with my words and I know how to use them.  I choose not to.  CHOICE.

 I am often scared to let go and release all my emotions but I am in need of cry… a release on so many levels.  I am sure that there are so many places that I can take this but I will save it for a few more post.  TO BE CONTINUED.

Since my daddy died, I feel men differently.  I am not sure that I am ready for that post but it out there and I will have to commit to completing that thought.  I am waiting for the words.  I was blessed to have a father that was my daddy.  I never had to question or doubt his love for me.  EVER.  He was flawed and he was not perfect but he was and will always be my hero.  I miss him.  I miss his life and all of our opportunities and potential.  It is sometimes scary to me that I cannot hear his voice anymore.  There are times that I do not feel him and there are even times that I hate that he is gone.  He left me and took pieces of me with him that will forever be incomplete.  He was the man of my life and just pray that though I believe that I am ready for love.  Thanks to my father I know that there is a type of love that I deserve.  In my life upgrade, I am upgrading my deserve level.  I deserve so much more than I accept.

OK… Here I am raw and transparently in my emotions.

Drinking.

It’s getting late and it is almost my birthday…

36

FUmissindependentCK

I am sure that there will be some positive and negative spins on this subject but it is what it is and I feel how I feel. However you are all entitled to your own opinions but I do hope for a discussion. Fuck Miss Independent! At the end of the day I am single and am only INDEPENDENT due to circumstance. Yea I said it and I only partially mean it. I have to work and take care of myself (with occasional help from the parental units). I have to go to work so I have to pay my bills and possibly purchase a fabulously sexy pair of shoes for that off the banger shoe-gasm instead of my B.O.B. Yes, sometimes it is like that when a sista is on a drought like California.

                               I digress…

I am only truly independent because I have to be and because my mother and father taught me to depend on myself. My father taught me the discipline of martial arts and sports (soccer and track). He encouraged my mom to keep it feminine. My mother was strict about education and even encouraged college out of state so that I would have new experiences. While my parents were together, I watched my father provide for our family. He made sure we were all well taken care of. He was a man that tried to honor is role as a man, a father, a husband. I also saw my mother struggle to get her degree, work a full time job and raise two daughter while trying to find her independence. She never really had to work because she was provided for and when her life changed she had to make some changes as well. While my father was involved in our lives, he was no longer in our home. It changed me and I always wanted to be sure that I wouldn’t have the shift of roles or be so dependent on a man but when we know better we do better. All of that and I am still a single lady that doesn't have a ring on her or a love that is my very own.

                     
                            Again, I digress...

I have said this before when the question of my "status" comes up. I need a man to be my man and be able assume the role of being a man. If I had a man that was man enough to be my man it would be about him being head of household. Yeah I said it and it is ordained by God (read your good book sometimes). I would love the opportunity to work and not have to be completely responsible for keeping our household. Frankly, I am not all that responsible but I do my best. I had a conversation with a potential husband applicant and he said that if we were to get married I should be happy that all the bills were paid = roof over your head, all utilities paid including cable and internet so I could talk to you all that our home was fully furnished. I was listening to him thinking hell yeah sounds like a plan and where do I sign. Not really but honestly it sounds good to me. He went on to share with me that my shoe habit was not really an issue but I would have to work to maintain habit (in my head that was truly make it a habit) but nonetheless I heard what he was saying. He explained to me that he was a man and if I were his wife it was his duty to provide the necessities of living (i.e. home, car and good love and communication etc.) and return he would hope that I would respect our home by keeping it clean and kept, his desire to work (he drives trucks so he is gone for long periods at a time but he loves his work) and make sure that we maintained our relationship and kept it sexily nasty not necessarily only in the bedroom but you get the point. Hell, I can do that daddy went through my head as I heard my favorite Luther wedding song in my head and imagined this wonderful party because we eloped and decided to have a party after the fact. We just wanted to be married. :)

Seriously, I heard him and truly listened to what he had to say upon the subject. The conversation went more in depth but it's truly known of your business or relevant to this matter. However I did wonder if I truly have the ability to let my man (future husband) be my man in every aspect of the word and if that is why I am single.  I would like to believe that I am sincerely ready to let go of my singularly independent ways and become part of partnership. Although, I have been taking care of myself for a long time. I like being able to come and go as I please. I can appreciate that when I am irresponsible it only impacts me for the most part. I like that I do not have children and don’t have to care after anyone but me. I like that I don’t have to communicate my desires to someone or be conscious of how they feel about things and even compromise on life changing situations. All of that sounds good but aren't some of these things contradicting attributes of marriage?

I understand that I must be able to bring something to the table. I have to have something to offer besides that wonderful gift between my legs. I have to be there for him, support him, nourish him, love him, stroke (not only in the sexual sense) but I have to allow my man to be a man. I must respect his place as my man and I as his woman. We all have our roles in relationships and I sometimes see us all not respecting our positions (roles). Again, I say read your good book). Women sometimes get too caught up with being independent that we sometimes feel like we can be a man and cross that line. Then there are men that want to be men but do not want hold the title in its entirety.

Honestly, I can deal with that and I want that. I want a man that is man enough to be my man. A man that has a back bone, good communication, doesn’t mind telling me the truth even when there is a chance that my feelings may get hurt (though Imma need him to find a tactful way of saying it to me). A man that believes that being a man is taking care of his family and being a provider (emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially). It is his role as head of household and it is divine order (God, Man than Woman). However we live in a society where there are not too many two parent households and where a mother sometimes has to do her best to teach a boy to be a man when it is not her role to do so. We live in a society where it is ok for a woman to carry both roles of mother and father where she does as much as possible to provide for her family and bear the burden of possibly not having enough time, money, help, love etc. We live in a society where it is ok for men to make babies and be completely responsible for them (full time or otherwise). Where there are dudes that are boys trying to be men by whatever example they find. It is a cycle that continues and not completely understood. So yeah, that sister considers herself independent and it is idolized which is not a bad thing but she is something else when she not capable of appreciating a good man when he comes her way because she is conditioned to take care of self. She doesn’t know any different. She builds walls and doesn’t allow herself to let a man be a man and may not be able to recognize it at all because she can do it all herself because she is Miss Independent or goes back to her being Miss Independent – Yes there is something about her and no she cannot spend any time. I love Ne-Yo and don’t get me wrong but is there really something about her. All through the song he doesn’t really say anything truly positive or uplifting. However it does sound good and I have nothing against a woman that is her own boss. In fact I embrace it but I am not really referring to a woman being her person. I am more so referring the dynamic of roles in relationships and how we play them.

Let’s be honest for a second even if we agree to disagree, it is cool. No one wants to be alone and we all want to have our own identities. We want to be able to fend for ourselves and take care of ourselves. We want to be all that we can be. I am thankful for the day where a woman can have jobs that were once looked upon as man’s work. I embrace that fact that women as a whole embrace being able to get an education, work for themselves and purchase their own homes. It is wonderful that we live in a country where a woman can run for president. Yes all of these things are wonderful especially when once upon a time women were not able to do so. YAY LADIES!!! It is indeed a blessing and with all of that in mind that we can be liberated/ independent. We can do it all but we are not men. We are women that should conduct ourselves as such. Men and women are different. We not only have different parts but different views. This woman just happens to believe that INDEPENDENCE doesn’t have to define me. Whereas I don’t believe that I need a man to define me I would like to have one that I can say that is evenly yoked. I believe that Jill Scott said best when she “And even though I can do all these things, I need you…” It is so true.

The Fact Is (I Need You) - Jill Scott