May 16: MY opinion on MY body and how comfortable I am in it

A few years ago I was over 200 pounds.  I thought I was real cute and the weight wasn’t much of a factor.  So I thought.  I carried it well and I wasn’t sloppy but I was heavy.  I began to feel heavy and it was starting to really think about it.  It was the moment when I almost had to buy a size 18.  I was about an 18 and it began to feel a little tight.  I didn’t want to buy bigger jeans and one point I began not to wear pants due to the size.  I am only 5’2 ¼.

I have always been rather athletic.  I grew up running track and playing soccer.  I did some karate for while.  My Daddy was way into martial arts and the discipline factor.  I had an amazing body in my teens and it carried somewhat into college but then I stopped running and that freshmen 15 turned into 25 but it was still not too bad.  I believe the weight gain happened after college when I began working.  I was working as a manager for EXPRESS and I fell off a ladder.  My left ankle swell hugely and it left me unable to walk.  I did everything but break it (hairline heel strain, torn ligaments and tendons.  I laid up for while and not very much exercise.  I wasn’t able to wear heels.  I got really sad during this time as well.  I was on workers comp for a while.  I blew up some then to on top of the additional that I already additionally carried.  My mother typed me a letter detailing her concerns about my weight.  She said that the letter was better to my defense.  There wasn’t a conversation needed.  I still have the letter.

While in Atlanta I got a little bigger then I finally saw a picture.  Pictures do not lie and I finally saw me in a different light.  Life has a way of happening.  I finally saw me as me and needed to be a better me.  I began being a bit more conscious.  I began to lose.  Then my daddy died and the devastation allowed me to see me more.  Grief gave me insomnia and insomnia gave me working out.  They say exercise is an anti depressant and I needed all that I could get.  As of today, two years later,  I have lost about 50 pounds.  I am down to a good weight which was better before the holidays where I dived into some bad habits and gained about 10 pounds and it gained back rather funky. 

I am in the process in getting that under control and I would like to lose an additional 15 pounds but 20 would be more ideal.  I need to tap into my discipline.  I feel good about me.  I am more comfortable in my skin again.  I am feeling my sexy again.  It was more genuine.  I am getting into a good place.  Thankfully, I was once an athlete and legs never leave you.  They are toned up again.  I have great legs.  My legs are one of my strongest attributes besides these freckles. 

His Shallow "Potential" Point of My View

I was conversing with a man "friend" from my past. I use the term friend lightly but either way I dated him in high school. We were chatting and he shared that my weight was a minor issue for him since we had once been together.

[INSERT WHO SAID HUH? FACE HERE]

So of course I inquired as to what his issue was. For my own understanding of course. He went on to tell me that I am such a wonderful person but I have such “potential”. I had to laugh to keep from getting mad initially but asked him to elaborate. He went on to explain that with a little more work I will be where I need to be. I questioned that statement a bit as I had recently lost a good amount of weight but then again he hasn’t seen me as an adult either. The last time he saw me I was 19 and I am now 30. The conversation went on and he mentioned that somewhere along the way he thought that I had stopped caring and must of let myself go but if I needed motivation he would be there for me – DUDE WHAT?!

[INSERT WTF FACE HERE]

I kindly gave him my self esteem speech as so: I embrace the body I have and I do not look to be validated by anyone. I am not going to be as small as I was in high school again. I could be but I not working that hard right now. I am fine the way that I am with my healthy improvements and I may just not be for him and I appreciated his encouragement though.

[INSERT OUT LOUD LAUGH HERE]

Then he hit me with the independent woman crap which began to piss me of a bit but I wanted to understand where he was coming from because he may not be the only person that feels this way or be this shallow. So I remained open to the conversation.

[INSERT ANNOYED EYEROLL WITH MF YOU GOT YOUR MFING NERVE FACE HERE]

So, I kindly rebutted with: it has nothing to do with being an independent woman - I am just in a place of embracing who I am now and the body that I have now. That is all. I hear you and I respect your opinion. My potential is to be healthy and happy with who I am and what I look like. There are plenty of people that like me the way that I am. Either way my self esteem is what is important. If I can let go of some of this stress, I am sure the weight loss would be easier. I work out because it makes me feel good about myself not to look good for someone other than myself and anyone else would be an added bonus. Some people (men) think that I am good as I am as do I. Some like a thicker woman which seems to be what I am these days. I am not plus size by any means but I am thick. Can I lose more weight = yes. Do I have potential as you say = yes but I am consumed by it = NO! I love the woman that I am today. It doesn’t define me as long as I am healthy.

[INSERT PAT ON BACK HERE]

Our conversation continued and he inquired if I had stopped caring somewhere along the way again and hope that I got back on track because he know what I really am.

[INSERT AMAZED FACE HERE]

All of this to say that I am glad that I understand his shallow point of view and truly acknowledge that he is not the only man that feels this way or women. I am glad that I am goof place mentally so this conversation didn’t feed into my insecurities. After all, if I was truly blunt and malicious I would have gone for his insecurities or hit him with the no wonder you are going through a divorce. That would have been bitchy and totally uncalled for but it did cross my mind. Not to mention he has always been such a jealous natured person that lacked the ability to deal with a woman having an opinion that didn’t coincide with his or she being sexy, confident and/or both.  He has always had a narrow minded point of view on most subjects but I thought that was because he was a kid and he would possibly grow out of it as he traveled the world and grown up. I know these about him and some things never change. I suppose not. I saw a lot of what he showed me in him back then but never tried to change him. I accepted him as he was and with all of his flaws. There were things that were tolerated because there were so many other things that I like about him. It is a shame that he doesn’t see the shallow aspect in his approach to women. However, I will respect his opinion. He is completely entitled to like what he likes and feel the way that he feels. It’s like I said before people will show who they are and it is up to you to believe them.

[SHAKING MY HEAD HERE AND KINDLY GIVING THE MDDLE FINGER]

Thankfully all people (men) dont feel the same way and thankfully I have enough confidence in myself to not play into his insecuritites of what he believes I should be.  Especially since we will not be a "we" truly for sure not.  I am truly motivated and even told him thank you.  I am motivated to be sure to listen and let people be who they feel they need to be outside of me.  I am motivated and encouraged to be open to a mate that will accept me for who I am and not strictly for what I look like or to be so invested in my weight that he can not move past it.  I even motivated to get my ass up and go to the gym. 

[INSERT TWO FINGERS HERE AS I CONSIDER HEADING TO THE GYM]

Embracing this Body

too fat. too skinny.

too dark. too light.

bigger breast. itty bitty titties. 

smaller this, bigger that, lipo this and tuck and plump that. This is too Big, that is too small. I dont like this and surely don't like that. Not enough ass or too much ass.

Muffin Top. Love Handles.

There is an epidemic among us that stresses that skinny frames are what is beautiful an/or healthy compared to the fuller frame.  This thing we call Body Image goes right along with her friend Self-Esteem.  Their relationship is bittersweet just like many of us today.  I say us because it is not just a female epidemic.  My brothas indulge in these ladies as well.  In fact it seems that it is some men's point of view that impact some women's view of self.  Think about it.

Self-esteem is all about how much people value themselves, the pride they feel in themselves, and how worthwhile they feel. Self-esteem is important because feeling good about yourself can affect how you act. A person who has high self-esteem will make friends easily, is more in control of his or her behavior, and will enjoy life more.  Body image is how someone feels about his or her own physical appearance.

Once upon a time I was petite yet curvaceous.  I was fly little track bodied girl of yesteryear in South LA.  That was a time when I just knew I was cute and the boys were a looking.  All the boys were running to the yard.  Damn if I had the ass that I had at 16... I held onto it for a while and then I went to college down south and got a lil taste of the country boy and that ass spread. however no regrets. College was good times...

Since then I have been every size from a 8-18.  My weight has yo-yo'd up and down and back up for the last few years.  I could not seem to control it but tried to make it work.  I fell in love with shoes because my feet have never made me cry.  It is something about going into fitting rooms and having your meat not be tucked where it should be tucked and have extra where you didnt imagine was possible.  I hated fitting rooms.  Once in there I felt inadequate, unhappy and not beautiful.  It didnt help that I met some dudes that said I was cute for a thickems and there were dudes that thought I was cool but I wasn't their ideal body type.  I allowed it to play into my mind and developed an insecure nature. I didnt want to be naked and tried my best to avoid mirrors while dressing.  I even had a hard time pleasing with the lights on. Then I met a man that knew me when I smaller and he embrace my fuller frame. He told me that I was awesome but couldn't be with me because I had issues with my body. It made me think.

During this time of fat girl itis I tried it all and had to fall in love with who I am.  My mother wrote me a letter once stating that she was concerned. Not because I was overweight but because I wasn't healthy.  I have my father's sides' body type which comes along with a plethora of health issues such as diabetes, hypertension, cholesterol, and high blood pressure as well as a few others.  In fact my father was  diabetic which encourages me to get regular sugar testing to make sure that I have that under control.  It was quote a journey - Embrace the body you have today and some other life changes that made me recognize how awesome I was.  the importance is on healthiness and away from being vain. 

I am not going to be a size 2, 4 or 6 and that is ok.  I had to find my security and my strong body attributes.  I have an awesome personality that is enhanced by great legs and big perky breast.  The rest is lost in translation... LOL! However now I am alot healthier and have lost some good weight. I have finally found a good balance and confidence is my new friend instead of Insecure.  I have a positive body image and have decided to embrace the body that I have now.  it can get better and some improvements may be good but health is the neccessary. 

Some of us need to check our body image and get in tune with our self esteem.  Learn to love and respect your body and to work with what you have. After all it is so much sexier than lack their of.  Recognize that “fat-ism” is a form of discrimination similar to sexism, racism, and classism. Assumptions that body shape determines attractiveness, personality, and success are incorrect and unjust. Combat discrimination when possible. Question assumptions and generalizations which promote the belief that one “type” of person is better than another.  We have to find a place of positivity in our own image and attempt to not spend so much time invested in the validation of others. Dont get me wrong.  I like to be noticed and like for a man to say "hey sexy" or "looing good lil mama". However I know what I have to offer so it is what it is.  Go ahead and EMBRACE THE BODY YOU HAVE TODAY INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU WISH YOU HAD.

What are strongest body attributes?