Saturday, August 15, 2009

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Daddy, I am thinking of you. Each and every day and every time I look in the mirror. I long to hear your voice and receive your advice and it would be great to have a hug too. I would love to hear you say how much you love me and would love to hear you tell me that you are proud of me. However none of that is going to happen. I am feeling so many different things right now. I am frustrated and feeling some regret. I should have been there and I could have done this or that. I wish I could have said this and said that but I must let go of these feelings. I would like to share what has happened and what knowledge I gained. I would love to be able to tell you that I am sorry and explain my point of view. I would love to be able to share all things that I have felt over the last 15 years. All the wrongs and rights along with the ups and downs – this has been a process for not only you but all of us that love you.
I watched you and felt you not want to go on and not seem to understand the impact it had on the people around you. You were mean and stubborn. You always knew it all but could not take what you often dished out. You made no regard for your life as the others around you fought to keep you alive. Overtake, undertake and mistake while suffering and not sharing what you were feeling. The selfish part of me hates that you are gone but at the same time I am so glad that you are not longer in all of the pain. I feel like you could have tried harder but you didn’t. I feel like you could have still worked hard and for yourself but you didn’t. I feel like you still had a great work to do but you didn’t. You gave up on yourself without ever giving you a chance to succeed. You were such a genius and one of the smartest people that I have ever met. I listened to all of the things that people had to say about you and they all believed alike. I wish that you knew the impact that you had on so many people. I wish there could have been a moment where you realized that your life was so valuable even without legs. I wish you would have reached your potential.
So on this day, the day of your birthday, I am overwhelmed and my heart is heavy. I am unable to make this special phone call and let you know that I am thinking of you and loving you more than I can truly express. I would love to hear you say that you love me too but I know that you did. It just would be nice to hear you say it. However in my heart I say Happy Birthday and I love you so much!!!
Rest In Peace

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