Monday, October 1, 2012

reinventing the woman that I was in my 20's

My birthday is tomorrow and I am almost excited.  I love birthdays - they are a blessing.  Right before my birthday I generally do an inventory of my life and get my goals in order and remind myself of where we have come from.  Not that kind that makes you feel all woe is me but the kind that makes me appreciate His hand over my life. Getting a year older tends to have this affect on me.  Stroll with me a sec.  The reflection is good because there are times when I feel stagnant and complacent but when I look over my life, I feel pretty good about the woman that I am becoming in my 30s oppose to my 20s.
 My 21st birthday was on a Monday and it was a drunken stupor of a night.  It was my introduction to Jagermeister and I didn’t call Earl – ha.  I graduated from the illustrious Fisk University and thought that I was way grown which I now know is way overrated.  My 25th birthday was spent in Vegas with people that were for a season.  that trip is a bit of blur but there were pictures and I looked as if I had a great time.  It was a good time but all of my 20s were not spent fully in love with me and I took myself through some situations that were not completely healthy or happy.   Looking back I see that they were necessary for me to be broken down for a breakthrough.  Sometimes God takes out of comfort to bring you into contentment.
Somewhere along the way I lost me and thought I wanted and needed to be more than I was.  I was captivated by quantity instead of quality.  I felt that needed to please and be what others thought of me instead of being honest and true to myself.  There were people hurt and somewhat betrayed by the fa├žade that was me but no one more than me.  It was never really about them but about me and it took me a long time to get to that point but I am so grateful that I did.  I grew up and dealt with me directly.  God has such a sense of humor.  I purely, honestly and directly asked Him to show me, me – the good, the bad and the ugly and boy did He.  There were things that I hadn’t truly understood about myself or even noticed to be flawed.   There were issues that I didn’t know were issues.  There were strengths that I believed to be weaknesses and vice versa.  In my broken down state when I felt that my world was over, that moment where everything that had made me be what I thought I wanted to be was stripped away and the multitudes were gone – I saw me and my ways.  The woman that God had not ordained me to be and woman that I couldn’t be proud of regardless of all the accomplishments.  There was just me to deal with and to be honest with and become reacquainted with.  I needed to learn to look in the mirror and like the person who looked back at me.  So I did and it was not easy and there were some very rocky moments but I made it.  I found a place of contentment.  I learned to be honest with who I am and truly striving to be.  I learned that I was pretty damn awesome without all of the foolishness of what others thought or wanted me to be.  I fell in love me.
At 30, I was faced with new challenges and character building experiences that I haven’t completely recovered from.  My daddy died, lost my job and my car.  My stability was rocked but in a complete different direction as before which brought about the same thought provoking self reflection.  I learned that I had a PRIDE issue that almost kept me from helping me help me get though.  Thankfully I had some really good friends in my life at the time (thanks KBCVD).  With all the life changes I moved back to LA filled with a spirit of failure with a side of grief, guilt, sadness, heartbreak and uncertainty.  It’s funny how a proclamation made would smack me in the face.  I never thought that I would move back when I left.  I was surely not the same which wasn’t a bad thing.  It just was.  I didn’t have very much established here and life has a way of going on with or without you around.  My relationships were different while other no longer existed.  Luckily, FB connected me with some restored and recreated friendships.  God will always give you who and what you need with you need.  I am truly grateful for some of these relationships/friendships/associations.
Even though I am no where I would like to be, want to be or thought I should be in my life..  I’m in a good place in my 30s and better than my 20s.  I’m just grateful for where I came from and thankful to where I am going.

31 was my 10th anniversary celebration of my 21st birthday, 32 was Birthday Backyard Boogie and 33 will be…. Full of Cocktails and possibly a sipper at my house – possibly.




Stephanie said...

Wow. Giiirl, I saw so much of me in this post! I definitely have a pride issue and I'm also trying to "see myself" from the outside, because I tend to have bad relationships with people (family, friends...etc). 30s are somethin else, huh? Lol. Happy early Birthday!

Freckles said...

I am glad that you were able to feel me in this post. I am so grateful that I have grown up. My 30s are already so much better than my 20s but I cannot help but to wonder if my karma is what keeps me within this place I am in now but I know that its just a test.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. It was a great time.

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