Monday, April 27, 2009

does it have to be complicated? still feeling some kind of way...

It's complicated. It's kind of scary that you can feel so much and not know what to do with it. I am in standstill moment. Not the kind that makes you uneasy and complacent but the kind where I can do nothing but try to make my peace be still. However my mind is being counteractive. My thoughts are keeping me up at night and I know that sleep is a good time to receive a blessing. Sometimes God is able to do a good work on and in us while we are sleeping so that we can wholeheartedly be receptive. I have missing that the last few nights. My thoughts have kept my mind occupied and in return have not allowed me to peaceful in my sleep. The thoughts, questions, concerns, panic and the beauty of we flow from one scene to the next scene in full color. The last time I had a moment like this, I was blessed but that was some time after the storm. All of these things keep flowing through my mind. Thoughts flowing through my veins and seeps deep into me. I just can’t seem to drain it out of me or just let it so I let it though. Flow out of my finger and onto the keys. I want to understand why I will understand Is it at all necessary what is the point is there a purpose what is the purpose does it make a difference is there any real care is it worth it how much will it cost me is there trust can there be honesty can I handle the truth what if this and what if that why this and why not that does that matter or doesn’t it matter what are the feelings are they real and true is it enough when will it be known how come why come does it have potential can this be is it ok was that too much or is this too little will it be What can be done did that get missed was this noticed can this be will it be may it be is it the same what happened what’s next do i will I can I what am I could I did I Oh my Someone once told me that transparency was good or being transparent is beautiful. I initially agreed but now I am having second thoughts. They are not complete but I do have questions. Initially I felt safe, desired, encouraged and restored. It seemed ok and truly beneficial. I thought way ahead instead of only that moment. All the talking. talking in circles. Talking dusk to dawn practically. Being transparent. This is where conflict begins. See the problem with being transparent is that you have nothing to cover up. It’s all out there for all to see. touch. feel. listen. have. You give it out and then you can pull it back. My mind and my heart are parallel at this point of conflict. The don’t even have the nerve to meet. They leave enough room between for things to float. The messed up thing about it is that I did not even see it happen. and I cannot see all of the stuff between but I feel it. It hits hard and stings deep. It has allowed me to question who I am _________________________ where I am _______________ and why I am _________________________________. This thought is incomplete but I think that I may actually be able to get some sleep. However I am doubtful Freckles.

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